Not much happened off-field during the week to be perfectly honest. No arrests, no investigations, no-one assisting police with their inquiries. There wasn’t even an allegation against a player or official.
The only drama going on right now is who the next coach to be fired by their club will be – early money was on Paul “Mary” McGregor, who I thought would be fired before round 1. Strangely, the Dragons have already had their most successful season in about twelve years, and notched up their third win last weekend.
Trent Barrett’s reign of terror at Manly looked a bit sketchy, but the Sea Eagles have boldly decided to “give winning a game or two a go” and have decided that it’s “better than losing.” A 36-0 win over the shithouse Bulldogs has secured Trent’s job for another season.
Which leaves Stephen Kearney at the Warriors and Des Hasler at the Bulldogs. This week, Des has received the full support from the board at Canterbury, with the promise that he won’t be fired mid-season, which we know is code for "start cleaning your desk out – that collection of hilarious bobblehead toys won’t pack themselves away."
Kearney has flown under the radar in terms of coach firing until now, as most people kind of forgot that the Warriors still existed. He will need a few wins in the next couple of weeks to prolong his expected arrival at the Centrelink office. Not to coach the Centrelink football team, to apply for the dole. You know, because he won’t have a job.
Bulldogs ($3.25) vs Broncos ($1.36)
Bulldogs’ playmaker Moses Mbye will deliver his best performance of the year for this week as he sits on the sideline after being suspended. Without their star player, the Bulldogs might even get on the scoreboard this week. Well done. This will be the Broncos easiest game by a long shot.
Roosters ($1.42) vs Manly ($2.95)
Every win by the Roosters brings them closer to being beaten by a shithouse team. Are Manly shithouse enough to deliver the Chooks’ first loss? They surprised everyone (me) last week with a solid effort in attack and defence – can they back it up against a premiership heavyweight? Probably not.
Cowboys ($1.32) vs Rabbitohs ($3.50)
Remember when teams were petrified about playing against the Burgess brothers? Good times. The only way that the Bunnies will win this is if the Burgii don’t fucking drop everything and Reynolds has a good kicking game, two things that have not happened since 2014. Throw a motherfucking cyclone into the mix and we’ll see less ball security than Caitlyn Jenner.
Cronulla ($1.15) vs Knights ($5.75)
Last week, the Knights were winning 100-0 but then the refs overheard Trent Hodkinson making fun of them so they stripped all of Newcastle’s points and gave Panthers forty. TRUE STORY. This game will not do anything for anyone.
Raiders ($1.40) vs Parramatta ($3.05)
Hopefully Parra continue their efforts from last week where they had a competition to throw as many shit passes in the worst situations as they could. Turned out to be a 17-way tie. If they play like that against the Raiders, they could be on the receiving end of a triple-digit thrashing.
Storms ($1.60) vs Penrith ($2.40)
The Storm have an unbelievable talent of playing the worst kind of football well enough to escape with a half-assed win against the bottom-placed team. They will probably come out and play like fucking magicians this week. Put a sneaky tenner on Slater to get over the line.
Warriors ($1.50) vs Titans ($2.65)
Laurie Daley has called for the Warriors playmaker (and only good player) Shaun Johnson to get himself a reality check. No one says “reality check” any more, Loz. Earth to Laurie, like totally cowabunga that’s so raven, schwing, mike drop. Hopefully this little spray from a league legend will inspire the Warriors to actually turn up. Actually, I don’t give a shit.
Tigers ($2.35) vs St George ($1.62)
Speaking of not giving a shit, welcome to this game. I’m tipping St George to get up, but only because I have a weird obsession with the worst team in the comp being the worst team in the comp by a huge margin. I mean, if you’re going to come last, then come fucking last and don’t even bother trying. By the book though, the Dragons beat the Panthers by 32, and the Panthers beat the Tigers by 34, so in theory, the Dragons should knock off the Tigers by 66 points.
WILL THE WILD WEATHER WE'VE HAD LATELY COMPETE WITH THIS COMPLETE BULLSHIT? (bonus video of Brett Mullins itching his eye at 0:27)
A PERSONAL STORY ABOUT MY BRUSH WITH A LEAGUE LEGEND
A few years back I was in Sydney to watch a cricket match and drink beer with my mates. The day after the game, I went into to an IGA to grab a carton of chocolate milk and I saw Jarryd Hayne in the store. I spoke to him and told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a dickhead and bother him and ask him for photos or anything (also because the phone I had at the time was really shit). He said, “Oh, you don't want to bother me like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback a bit, and just said, “Huh,” and he kept cutting me off and going “Huh? Huh? Huh?” while he opened and closed his hand in front of my face. So I just kind of walked away to go to the milk fridge, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff at the checkout, I saw Hayne trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Bars in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was pretty nice and professional about it and said, “Sir, you need to pay for those first,” but Hayne just kept pretending to yawn and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. That’s not even a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag for him, she kept trying to tell him the price, but he kept interrupting her by making a ringing phone noise.