The week began with a spotlight being shone onto the idea
that the NRL should be looking after its players, after several teams were
found to have left several concussed idiots on the field when they should have
been sitting on the sidelines having a spew and wondering if they were in a
tunnel or not.
Concussion is a pretty serious issue in rugby league, even
more so since the release of the Will Smith film that deals with brain
injuries, disability and long-term effects, “After Earth.” Terrible film, his son is just really shit.
Obviously the NRL are most interested in the well-being of
their most important commodities, their players (some being deemed more important than
others), and vowed to do something about it something something something...
...and then OH MY GOD FORGET ABOUT THAT SHIT, THE TIGERS FIRED JASON TAYLOR.
It was probably a bit sooner than anyone would have
anticipated, but the first coach sacking of 2017 has occurred; so tick that one
off your Bingo card. After two weeks of
not performing, the Wests Tigers merger has decided that enough is enough, and
Jason “the other JT” Taylor has been given the arse and told to clean out his
desk, take the Luke Perry poster out of his locker and fuck off out of
there.
Normally I would be on the side of the coach and say that
it’s not their fault that their players are out there dropping balls, missing
tackles, fucking up passes, kicking like shit, taking bad options and losing
games, but I don’t really like Taylor and so I’ll side with the team on this
instance. The crux of the situation is
that the “Big Four” players in the Tigers (of which three are fucking tits
useless) have said that they will not sign on past their current contracts if
Taylor is still the coach, so the management of the club decided that they’d
put more faith in Luke Brooks and Mitchell Moses – two blokes who are afraid of
(a) tackling and (b) being tackled, than put up with JT for another year. This is probably cold comfort to Robbie
Farah, who was dumped and sent to play for another club by Taylor last year – I
can see Robbie downing tools like a little bitch and heading back to the Tigers pretty soon
actually. But that’s because I don’t
like Robbie Farah much either.
 |
| Cronulla telling it like it is |
Round 4:
Souths (3.20) vs Roosters
(1.37)
I just hope that Souths have a
fun game and learn some lessons about teamwork and believing in yourself.
Penrith (1.18) vs Knights (5.10)
The Knights have really dug
deep and given 100% lately.
Unfortunately they have still lost, which just goes to show that other
teams only need to give about 70% and they will still manage to beat them.
Broncos (1.65) vs Raiders (2.30)
RAAAAAAAAAAAAIDERS WOO PEW PEW
PEW! All they need to do is run the ball
at Milford all night and rack up another easy win, then go and celebrate with a
lovely glass of ginger ale.
Manly (2.00) vs Bulldogs (1.84)
I’m tipping the Dogs for a
combination of reasons, but mainly because fuck Manly.
Eels (1.95) vs Sharks (1.85)
The salary cap cheats vs the
drug cheats. I guess this will determine
once and for all if drugs are better than money.
Titans (2.30) vs Cowboys (1.65)
Well this will be an exciting
game, as the 7th-choice wingers and centres do battle. I wonder if the World Health Organisation is
aware of the outbreak of osteoarthritis in Queensland this year?
Tigers (2.65) vs Storm (1.50)
Well, the Tigers haven’t lost a
game since they sacked their coach, so that’s a bonus for them.
St George (1.87) vs Warriors (1.97)
No one cares.
HOW TO PICK THE PERFECT TEAM
Fullback
Should be tagged by a commentator as “a future superstar of
the game” but is decidedly unpopular with supporters and his teammates and
everyone wants to punch them in the face at least once.
Wing
Reserved for the two worst players on the team. Preferably of Fijian descent. In terms of height, players can either be tall
with dick fingers like Tupou, or short, with dick fingers like Maranta. It is considered a bonus if you have a girlfriend
who is selling a detox product on Instagram.
Centre
Requires a knee injury and an inability to pass. Left centre should have ego and be generally
disliked. The right centre should be
captain and a handsome goalkicking legend.
Five-eighth
Has a terrible haircut and has massive tickets on themselves. Not big enough to be a forward, and not good
enough to play halfback. Cannot rely on
their passing game to move the ball, so they will just run it to where they
wanted to pass.
Halfback
Preferably should be from Queensland. This position is preferred for drug addicts
and those who enjoy the taste of their own urine. Enjoys the company of small dogs.
Prop
Should look like an Italian God, a Samoan Cannonball, a
Large Mutant or a Toe-Tappin' Kiwi Sex Machine.
Second row
Has no real influence on the sport now that shoulder
charges and punching people is now banned.
Will be targeted by bigger blokes because they’re bigger, and faster
blokes because they’re faster.
Lock
Need thighs that have a circumference of greater than
100cm. Should consider any time that
they haven’t tried passing the ball during a three-man tackle in which they are
being spun around, turned upside-down and have both arms pinned as a wasted opportunity.
Hooker
Should be English. Doesn’t
mind feeling other players’ eyeballs.
Most time will be spent appealing to the referee for a penalty. Is the only player on the field who can throw
shit passes 80% of the time and blame everyone else.
 |
| When the NRL is cracking down on drug use, you probably shouldn't put this shit on your Instagram. You also shouldn't involve the 130kg killing machine on your team either. |
NEXT WEEK: A PERSONAL STORY ABOUT MY BRUSH WITH A LEAGUE
LEGEND
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