Thursday, March 23, 2017

NRL 2017 - Round 4: Another one bites the dust

The week began with a spotlight being shone onto the idea that the NRL should be looking after its players, after several teams were found to have left several concussed idiots on the field when they should have been sitting on the sidelines having a spew and wondering if they were in a tunnel or not.  
Concussion is a pretty serious issue in rugby league, even more so since the release of the Will Smith film that deals with brain injuries, disability and long-term effects, “After Earth.”  Terrible film, his son is just really shit. 
Obviously the NRL are most interested in the well-being of their most important commodities, their players (some being deemed more important than others), and vowed to do something about it something something something...


It was probably a bit sooner than anyone would have anticipated, but the first coach sacking of 2017 has occurred; so tick that one off your Bingo card.  After two weeks of not performing, the Wests Tigers merger has decided that enough is enough, and Jason “the other JT” Taylor has been given the arse and told to clean out his desk, take the Luke Perry poster out of his locker and fuck off out of there. 
Normally I would be on the side of the coach and say that it’s not their fault that their players are out there dropping balls, missing tackles, fucking up passes, kicking like shit, taking bad options and losing games, but I don’t really like Taylor and so I’ll side with the team on this instance.  The crux of the situation is that the “Big Four” players in the Tigers (of which three are fucking tits useless) have said that they will not sign on past their current contracts if Taylor is still the coach, so the management of the club decided that they’d put more faith in Luke Brooks and Mitchell Moses – two blokes who are afraid of (a) tackling and (b) being tackled, than put up with JT for another year.  This is probably cold comfort to Robbie Farah, who was dumped and sent to play for another club by Taylor last year – I can see Robbie downing tools like a little bitch and heading back to the Tigers pretty soon actually.  But that’s because I don’t like Robbie Farah much either.

Cronulla telling it like it is

Round 4:

 Souths (3.20) vs Roosters (1.37)

I just hope that Souths have a fun game and learn some lessons about teamwork and believing in yourself. 

Penrith (1.18) vs Knights (5.10)

The Knights have really dug deep and given 100% lately.  Unfortunately they have still lost, which just goes to show that other teams only need to give about 70% and they will still manage to beat them.

Broncos (1.65) vs Raiders (2.30)

RAAAAAAAAAAAAIDERS WOO PEW PEW PEW!  All they need to do is run the ball at Milford all night and rack up another easy win, then go and celebrate with a lovely glass of ginger ale. 

Manly (2.00) vs Bulldogs (1.84)

I’m tipping the Dogs for a combination of reasons, but mainly because fuck Manly.

Eels (1.95) vs Sharks (1.85)

The salary cap cheats vs the drug cheats.  I guess this will determine once and for all if drugs are better than money.   

Titans (2.30) vs Cowboys (1.65)

Well this will be an exciting game, as the 7th-choice wingers and centres do battle.  I wonder if the World Health Organisation is aware of the outbreak of osteoarthritis in Queensland this year?  

Tigers (2.65) vs Storm (1.50)

Well, the Tigers haven’t lost a game since they sacked their coach, so that’s a bonus for them. 

St George (1.87) vs Warriors (1.97)

No one cares.


Should be tagged by a commentator as “a future superstar of the game” but is decidedly unpopular with supporters and his teammates and everyone wants to punch them in the face at least once.

Reserved for the two worst players on the team.  Preferably of Fijian descent.  In terms of height, players can either be tall with dick fingers like Tupou, or short, with dick fingers like Maranta.  It is considered a bonus if you have a girlfriend who is selling a detox product on Instagram.

Requires a knee injury and an inability to pass.  Left centre should have ego and be generally disliked.  The right centre should be captain and a handsome goalkicking legend. 

Has a terrible haircut and has massive tickets on themselves.  Not big enough to be a forward, and not good enough to play halfback.  Cannot rely on their passing game to move the ball, so they will just run it to where they wanted to pass.  

Preferably should be from Queensland.  This position is preferred for drug addicts and those who enjoy the taste of their own urine.  Enjoys the company of small dogs.

Should look like an Italian God, a Samoan Cannonball, a Large Mutant or a Toe-Tappin' Kiwi Sex Machine.

Second row
Has no real influence on the sport now that shoulder charges and punching people is now banned.  Will be targeted by bigger blokes because they’re bigger, and faster blokes because they’re faster. 

Need thighs that have a circumference of greater than 100cm.  Should consider any time that they haven’t tried passing the ball during a three-man tackle in which they are being spun around, turned upside-down and have both arms  pinned as a wasted opportunity.

Should be English.  Doesn’t mind feeling other players’ eyeballs.  Most time will be spent appealing to the referee for a penalty.  Is the only player on the field who can throw shit passes 80% of the time and blame everyone else.   

When the NRL is cracking down on drug use, you probably shouldn't put this shit on your Instagram.
You also shouldn't involve the 130kg killing machine on your team either.


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