Wednesday, February 11, 2015

My TV is spying on me... and it's really, really bored.

Idiots all over Australia are pissing their pants in anger over their Samsung Smart TV’s ability to recordprivate conversations and send the information to a “third party.”  I’m actually surprised that anyone who had a voice-activated television would be bothered to complain about anything, to be honest. 

It all sounds a bit scary, and even people who have never read George Orwell’s 1984 will be complaining about Big Brother (and how Lawson should never have cheated with Kat, and like, what’s going on with Leo?).  But what they’re not really getting is the fact that “Big Brother” has been recording their conversations for years so they can advertise straight to you.  You think Google doesn’t collect, use and sell your search history?  The advertising on the sidebar of Gmail literally changes within keystrokes depending on what you’re emailing someone about.  Those “recommended for you” items that appear on your Facebook wall aren’t coincidental either – funnily enough, they’re linked into your social media accounts.  If you change your status to “just got back from walking the dog! LOL!!!!111” you will most likely see ads trying to sell you shit for your dog, ads trying to sell you shit for walking, and a massive crowbar across the face from me.  People really don’t give a fuck about you shuffling around the block for 10 minutes while texting your friend and carrying a bag full of dog poo at the same time.  And if they do, then they are probably already being advertised to about that.  "HALF PRICE DOG POO FOR NEXT 48 HOURS!" 

When you record an episode of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, the information it gathers might be that you’re a fan of reality shows, celebrity shows and are slightly retarded, and recommend whichever version of the Kardashians is on.  The Smart TV is the next inevitable step – it’s just being more obvious about it.  While it will analyse your viewing habits, it will also pick up on some topics of conversation, so when you’re on the couch discussing your upcoming holiday, which sports team you like, the fact that you’re out of milk or how you need a new crowbar, your telly is paying just enough attention to pick out the important words so the next time you use social media, you’ll have ads and recommendations for flight details, the official Twitter feed of @sports_team_official, some bonus Fly Buy points for buying Coles brand moo juice and a link to my blog. 

If you’re seriously worried about all of your private information being collected, I’m afraid you’re probably too late.  But just for your own safety, you should burn your computer and phone; deactivate your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram; lose your throne as king of Four Square; let go of your Flappy Bird record; sell your Farmville farm; and for fuck’s sake, stop talking to your television, you creepy, lazy fuck.  Use your remote like the athletes among us.

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