Friday, February 13, 2015

How To Order a Pizza

Step 1.  
Ring pizza place.

Step 2.  
Say, “Hi, I’d like to order a pizza.”

Step 3.  
Realise you’re a dickhead and hang up.

Step 4.  
Ring up again a few minutes later and put on a different voice so the pizza guy doesn’t think that you’re the same dickhead who rang earlier for “a pizza.”

Step 5.
Be told, "It’s a Saturday night; the driver could be some time,” which is code for: "it’ll take long enough that you forget that you even thought about ordering a pizza" and so you watch another episode of something, or crack another beer, which undoubtedly means that you are going to forget about it entirely, who knows, you might even talk the wife into some impromptu sexy time. More realistically, maybe you decide to play some Mario Kart. "OK, man, you're tied. Rainbow Road. You SUCK at rainbow road. Alright, focus. You got this. Koopa Troopa all day."

And then that knock at the door. FUCK!  Pizza!  You don't have plates out, no napkins, no nothing. You also possibly don't have pants on, but more likely you were startled by the buzzer, thus dropping the controller, THUS eating shit off the edge of that fucking Rainbow Road and losing again.  I bet Princess Peach even beat me. What an absolute fuck face.

Step 6.  
Answer the door and grab your pizza.  I mean, everything is pretty much fine, but fucking hell, why does this always seem to happen?

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