Monday, December 20, 2010

Ho ho hmmmm

T’is the season to be jolly, falalalalalalalala la la la la and all that. My halls are officially decked with holly and shit, because it’s TOTALLY CHRISTMAS WOOO.

With a great Christmas comes great responsibility, and the biggest responsibility is grabbing some decent pressies for your loved ones, even though Christmas is all about spending time with your family and shit. It just turns out that it’s a lot easier to spend quality time with your family if you have a new iPod.

So what do you get your family, friends and loved ones? After perusing a handful of Chrissy catalogues over the weekend, it became apparent that there is a veritable smorgasbord of shit out there in which to stuff a stocking with, and while I can’t tell you what you should buy – you probably know your great aunt Gladys better than I do – I can tell you what NOT to buy.

Nose hair trimmers.
Some people in this world have hairier nostrils than others, but there’s probably a better time and place to tell them that than when everyone’s sitting around the Christmas tree. Little Johnny unwraps his Ninja Turtle toy, Little Sally opens her Barbie carousel, and Uncle Mike opens his nose-hair trimmers and spends the next few hours nervously sipping his Christmas beer and pretending that the fact that everyone in his family reckons he’s a big hairy munter doesn’t bother him.

Adult “gag” gifts.
As hilarious as farting garden gnomes that tell you to “Go fuck yourself” or pull their pants down and have a wank are, they should not be given as gifts unless you:
(a) are a bogan, or
(b) you want to officially announce to your family that you really don’t give a fuck & wanted to spend $20 to prove that.
Note: if you do opt for the wanking gnome toy, make sure you nick the batteries out of your host’s remote control to power the thing. It’ll really piss them off and completely top off your Xmas.

Home-made gifts.
There are two rules that dictate whether or not you should give hand-made gifts at Chrissy:
1. If you can actually make things to the point where you own a shop that sells them, you are entitled to give whatever the hell you want as gifts.
2. If you are six years old or younger, you are entitled to give your mum whatever piece of shit you constructed in the last few weeks of school.
That’s it though; no one else is allowed to try and give crappy home-made mugs, paintings or shoeboxes with glitter and macaroni glued onto it as a present. While it’s “the thought that counts,” it also might bother them that they bought you a Nintendo in exchange for a collection of ‘interestingly shaped rocks.’

Techy gear
Buying for teenagers is getting fairly tricky these days, so unless you know exactly what the little bundles of joy actually want, don’t even fucking think about it. Imagine the look on poor Emo Johnny’s face when he opens up an X-box when he really wanted a PS3, or the humiliation that Emo Sally would face when she turns up to school with an iPhone 3 instead of the iPhone 4. Your technological fuckup would be commemorated forever on Twitter as @EmoJohhny writes “mi parentz r fukin stoopid a xbox iz NOT a PS3 fukin douche I cant evn play left4dead FML”

Happy shopping, merry Christmas and have a rollickingly drunken new year!

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