a load of old beard

"Upon shaving off one's beard." The scissors cut the long-grown hair; the razor scrapes the remnant fuzz. Small-jawed, weak-chinned, bug-eyed, I stare at the forgotten boy I was.” – John Updike

We are about to witness a very important milestone in the history of the world.

Dear Readers, I have been chosen by a greater power to fulfil the destiny set out for all men. I’ve known octogenarians who have not had a chance to achieve this particular feat, but I, a mere thirty years old, will cross this single item from my list within the next fortnight.

I am about to finish a can of shaving cream, and purchase some more.

I’ve bought shaving cream before, but can’t actually remember ever finishing a can. Traditionally, shaving cream is purchased when the previous can is taken away on holidays and lost, left behind when moving, borrowed and never returned, or tossed away with the arrival of an electric razor – it is not usually used and then replaced.

I am both nervous and excited at the thought of putting a fresh can of lathering goodness into my shopping basket with the 2-minute noodles, gaffa tape, sprinkles and chicken salt that are my groceries and seeing the look on the face of the check-out operator. Their eyes will open in hope, that this customer has finished a can of shaving cream before he buys another one. And I will humbly nod in silent recognition of my achievement and accept their quiet praise.

Shaving cream – is it just a foamy substance in which to spread upon one’s face and scrape off with a thin, sharp blade, or is it a message from a higher being, congratulating me on my commitment to finish the can and thus granting me a passage from adolescence to manhood and then to a deity? Upon purchasing my can of shaving cream, I will be transformed.

If I die suddenly and unexpectedly, I want everyone to know that I died a happy man.

Also, if nothing happens, it’s probably just ‘cause God is busy and he’ll reward me later. Or, it’s just because, you know, all I did was buy some shaving cream. Either way, I’ll be happy.

This is one option of fast-tracking yourself to reaching the pinnacle of your life, but I reckon it's cheating.