Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Deeveedee review

1. Everyone loves a sport film; whether it’s the underdog victory that comes with the Mighty Ducks, the kid from the street doing everyone proud in Rocky or the mindless stupidity of Days of Thunder, people will always find something oddly compelling and watchable about others overcoming adversity and proving themselves through sporting achievements.

2. Everyone loves horror films, whether it’s Freddy Krueger haunting your dreams and ruining a franchise, Jason swinging his machete and ruining a franchise, or Chucky still trying to become human again to ruin a franchise, scary flicks are popular, cheap to make and successful.

3. Everyone loves cricket. The thought of two teams battling it out for five days with the distinct possibility of neither one winning gets people moist and sweaty in the nether regions. The very concept of the batting team “playing for a draw” for two or three days is enough to make even the most casual of cricket observers bar up. Throw in a dirty moustache and Mike Hussey’s form slump and you’ve got the world’s greatest sporting event.

With these three Play-Doh balls of magic, it was only a matter of time before someone smooshed them together to create the film “I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer”. Yes, really.

This Aussie-made hacker-slasher basically centres on a bloke who tracks down the guys from his schoolboy cricket team who teased him and gave him a massive wedgie. When two dudes on opposite sides of the world turn up deadened (one beaten to death with a cricket bat when he was in the pisser, and one impaled on a cricket stump in his garage), the only thing that links them is that they were in the same cricket team twenty years ago, so the police do the sensible thing and round up the rest of the lads and put them all in the same place.

Since being bullied by his team-mates, the Killer seems to have been sitting in a tub of “Tall Gro” and collecting stumps, as he is now about seventeen-feet tall and has an endless supply of cricketing paraphernalia with which to stab people. My personal favourite item was his modified ‘box’ - it got me thinking about Ricky Ponting and what I’m going to do when I finally manage to kidnap him.

It’s not that this movie is bad – any film that requires its hero to don full batting gear to fight the villain is worth at least a $4 DVD hire (plus a couple of bucks in late fees) in my books – it’s just that I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer is a bit retarded. The acting is shithouse, the characters are completely fucked up (such as the bloke who ducks out of the safehouse to shag his missus; but instead of just having the regular sex, he makes her blindfold, handcuff and gag-ball him. Of course he’d do that. Why wouldn’t you indulge in something that leaves you absolutely defenseless when you’re being hunted by a maniac?) and the one-liners leave you wondering whether or not it was actually meant to be funny. Incidentally, I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer is the winner of the “Golden Shower Award” for the most gratuitous nude scene in cinematic history.

After watching this film and meditating on it for a while, I am still undecided if I actually enjoyed it. It is ridiculously stupid and formulaic, yet had me reaching for another Milk Arrowroot biscuit to dunk in my coffee until the final scene. Let’s just say that this movie is the best cricketing-based horror film that I’ve ever seen and leave it at that.

I give I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer two leg byes.

With ball-tampering of this magnitude, this guy could captain Pakistan

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