Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Canberra - the awesome place

Canberra is an Aboriginal word meaning “meeting place,” and I swear I heard my dog say it a few years ago when he sneezed. I think ‘meeting place’ is a fairly good translation and should be read as ‘awesome place’ because you’d never ask your friends to meet you at a shit venue, would you?

“Hey Bazza, let’s catch up!”
“Sure MEB, where should we meet?”
“How about at a funeral home?”
“That doesn’t sound awesome.”

If you changed ‘funeral home’ to ‘Viking battle on a pirate ship in space,’ it would be more appealing to Bazza, and awesomeness would ensue. And that’s what Canberra is. A Viking battle on a pirate ship in space. It is awesome.

LOL Mitter Breakfast whya do you think Canebraa is so goud LOLZORS?

The translation for that is: Why is Canberra so bloody good? I’m glad you asked.

Australia is full of hidden nasties like giant squids and sharks which could eat you, or at least have your eye out. I’m sick of reading about people in Queensland being taken by jellyfish and having their brains sucked out. Northern Territorians can’t go anywhere without being attacked by ninety-metre long crocodiles. South Australians have red-back spiders who are so adept at camouflage that they can pose as mailmen, teachers and Rice Bubbles and drain your blood without you even realising. Those in the Sydney region have to deal with cockroaches that skull-fuck you when you’re asleep; other parts of NSW are prone to explode in spontaneous fireballs. The snakes in WA have the run of the joint – they buy shoes made out of human skin, and they don’t even have feet. West Australian snakes also don’t need to make restaurant reservations; they just turn up and get the best table and then order things that aren’t on the menu and will probably eat everyone in the restaurant anyway. Tasmanians have hordes of zombies running around the street, feasting on brains and performing random acts of violence. Victorians have to put up with AFL and art students.

Canberra’s only problem is being too awesome for the rest of the world to comprehend. It’s a problem that we’re learning to deal with.

This is apparently a pirate from space. Who am I to argue with Google Images?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If it will make you look like a pirate from space, then yes, you should grow a beard.