Friday, June 19, 2009

tipping the scales of breakfast

Apologies go out to all the awesomenauts who have been missing my brilliance and hilarity on a weekly basis. I’ve been busy and sick and dying and doing other things that haven’t involved being supersonically rad in all ways. I did learn how to ollie my skateboard though, and tomorrow I’m going to fight an octopus.

I’ll ease myself back into the high-rolling life of being a blogger by ignoring my regular paying job and doing some footy tips. I’m fairly sure the world will keep spinning without my paper shuffling and looking up episodes of Growing Pains on YouTube. The world did stop spinning briefly last week when I didn't post anything on here though.

According to some site that I just looked at to work out who’s playing whom this weekend, both AFL and NRL are having a split round. This is good news for everyone; it means I don’t have to struggle through a lot of stupid reasoning behind my tips and you don’t have to read too much shit about who I particularly hate in any particular team. Note that I didn’t say you wouldn’t have to read ANY shit about who I hate, I still hate a lot of people. But this week, I’m going to concentrate on how great the Raiders are/were.

Onto round twenty-eight billion and a half:

Bulldogs vs Panthers
In 1994, Canberra beat the Bulldogs in the Grand Final; it was an awesome game – John Lomax was suspended and Paul Osborne was brought in as his replacement as a surprise inclusion for the Raiders; Ozzie threw a couple of magic passes to set up two tries, before Big Mal snatched an intercept and beat Jarrod McCracken across the line. 1994 was a good year for Canberra. I’d say the Dogs might have just recovered from that by now and will probably beat Penrith this week.

Cowboys vs Roosters
It was 1990 when Canberra beat the Roosters 66-4 at Bruce Stadium, with Big Mal strolling through some turnstile defense on his way to five tries in that match. You should have heard the crowd go absolutely ballistic when the Chooks scored after a disgracefully obvious double-movement for their only score after being 60 points down. It was fucking beautiful. I reckon that the Cowboys will be able to shuffle in for at least half of that 1990 score without breaking sweat, and possibly without Jonathon Thurston, who will no doubt be having sex with his team-mates’ girlfriends while they’re not looking. His team-mates, I mean, not their girlfriends.

Storm vs Tigers
One of the greatest Grand Finals of all time was the 1989 clincher, when John "Chicka" Fergusson ducked, weaved and smoked his way over the line to send the game into extra time. It was a beautiful moment, especially when Ben Elias cried after missing a field goal attempt from about 15 metres out. As far as I know, Canberra are yet to beat the Storm at pretty much anything, so the ol’ Melbournites shouldn’t have much problem running over those Tigresses.

Sea Eagles vs Raiders
It was back in the hazy days of 1998 when all seemed lost for the Raiders one fateful afternoon. Manly were up by 18 points after about seven seconds. Laurie Daley was playing on one leg; after he lost the other one and his right arm had to be substituted, the crowd would have been forgiven for thinking, "I knew I should have just stayed at home, got drunk and yelled abuse at the tv instead of getting drunk here and yelling abuse at real live players who could probably crush me between their pecs." Enter the ‘Super Macs’ – Andrew MacFadden and Mark McLinden. They formed a partnership that the competition feared for about three rounds until everyone realised they really weren’t all that good after all; they were just really short. I’m fairly sure there’s some Mac in all of us, so look for Terry Campese to completely Mac it up for this game and lead Canberra to another crushing victory.

Sharks vs Broncos
"Chip and chase by Mullins… chip and chase again by Mullins – if this comes off, it’ll be a miracle – OH IT IS A MIRACLE!" Thank you, Ray Warren for the greatest piece of commentary ever. Brett Mullins and Darren Lockyer had a rivalry as to who could claim the title of greatest fullback in the history of sport – my money would be on the Mullet in his hey-day, but Locky has probably expanded his game somewhat more since then. But on that night, Lord Mullins stamped his authority on rugby league folklore by cracking a try that he attempted a few more times in the next couple of years without success – much like Billy Slater’s try from Origin a few years back. Anyway, Brissy should win this puppy fairly easily.

Really, only three games for the AFL this week? That can’t be right. But I’m not going to check another website just in case it’s wrong and I have to do more blogging. I’m not even going to bother putting up pictures of AFL stuff this week. I know, I have completely lost interest in the world.

Bombers vs Demons
I think the Demons are going shizzenhaus this year; shizzenhaus being a German word for "shithouse." It may not be, but I think if you said it at Oktoberfest then people would still know what you were talking about. Unless you’re me, of course, then no one in the world can understand a word I'm saying unless I'm attempting to buy a badge with the Puerto Rican flag on it and stick it into my pirate hat. I’m not sure what fake German beer, Puerto Rico and pirate hats has to do with AFL, but then, what does AFL do for fake German beer, Puerto Ricans and pirates? Nothing.

Did I tip yet? I couldn’t be bothered losing brain cells by re-reading what I just wrote, so go Bombers.

Swans vs Magpies
I’m pretty sure Eddie Maguire owns the Maggies, and I really don’t like that guy. Like, if he has a "typical Aussie bloke" on one of his shithouse (for the German translation, see above) game shows, he’ll always bring up which footy team they go for and bag them about it. If that guy is from New Zealand, he’ll make jokes about them having sex with sheep in a "laughable" manner. And he says "mate" way too much, it shits me to tears. Besides, he’s on at the same time as Deal or No Deal, and Andrew O’Keeffe is my bro. I’d totally get drunk and lie in gutters with him. In short, yay Swannies!

Dockers vs Cats
I saw an emo kid in the city a while back who had whiskers painted on his face. I thought he was just a bit retarded as all emos are, but now I realise that he is actually a mad keen Geelong supporter. I am yet to see anyone, emo or otherwise, dressed up as a Docker. I’m thinking of going to a school fete over the weekend and hitting up the free face-painting tent and asking for a "Docker" instead of my usual "Spider-Man" face paint. I’m pretty sure the face-painting attendant will just look confused for a bit and neither of us will be any closer to learning what a Docker actually fucking is. My spell checker doesn’t even know. My spell checker knows who Spider-Man is though. And that’s why I’m tipping the Cats; because of my love of Spider-Man face-paint and spell-check.

If you can’t grip it, don’t tip it.

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