I do enjoy going to the "cinema" to watch a "movie". It is one of life's simple pleasures. People have been doing it for thousands of years, ever since Grug motioned to his cavemen friends to "come over and watch the wall with the man painted on it." That movie was later re-released by Kevin Costner as "The Postman." I prefer the original, myself.
Since our cave-dwelling forefathers had their cave-movie nights, the art of film has come a long way; there's movement and sound and special effects and boobs to keep us all entertained. As technology improves, movie-makers have decided to throw out scripts in order to fit in more effects - if anyone saw the latest three Star Wars films, you'll know what I mean. George Lucas took the term "special effects" and reversed it so that anything that appeared on screen that wasn't computer-generated therefore became more "special" than the other things that were. I fucking hate you, George Lucas. And thanks for pissing on Indiana Jones as well; you have officially ruined that hat forever. Why not fuck up some more great films? Dipshit.
Every movie that comes out these days has a budget that could feed lobster and Johnny Walker Blue to a large nation of starving hippopotamuses for years, yet very few of these films are actually any good. Strangely, some folk opt to "save money" on movie prices by installing in-home cinema systems in their loungerooms. I'm sure that their $8,000 TV and $12,000 surround-sound unit have paid for themselves while they sit around watching Pearl Harbour in glorious plasma-flatscreen-la-de-fucking-dah quality. If a movie needs to be loud enough to create stress fractures in your walls for you to enjoy it, you're probably too retarded to appreciate a decent film anyway.
Sorry, I think I got a bit off track there. That's unlike me.
There are a lot of dicks who decide to go to the cinema, seemingly to watch the same movie in the same session that I have decided to attend. Upon entering the cinema of choice, it is apparent that most people have left their brain in the car, so in order to minimise the collateral damage the next time you venture outside of your home-cinema complex, please remember the following guidelines:
Mister Evil Breakfast's Guide To Going To The Movies And Not Annoying The Shit Out Of Me So I Don't Fuck You Up With An Axe-Sharpened Crowbar (MEBGTGTTMANATSOOMSIDFYUWAASC).
The first rule of MEBGTGTTMANATSOOMSIDFYUWAASC is not to forget to bring some cash. Hitting Hoyts for a flick didn't start out as free, and it sure as fuck isn't going to get free anytime soon. Complaining to the kid behind the counter about how expensive everything is is NOT COOL. Last time I checked, they didn't leave the pricing decisions up to the fifteen year old emos who work there. Most places these days have got everything organised - if you don't have cash, use your card. Got no funds - go for credit. No credit; go home. Don't even think about cracking out the chequebook - the kid at the counter has most likely never seen one in his life anyway. If you have no money, just piss off back to your place and watch Sea Patrol or something.
You may find that there are other people trying to buy tickets at the same time as you. This is called "a ticket queue." Don't piss and moan about the line; you're a part of the problem.
Stand in line with a friend and annoy the piss out of those around you with your loveable larrikin antics and social observations.
2. Candy Bar
I don't like the word "candy" at all. It's so hideously All-American that I expect it to have its own sitcom and at least one spin-off special and be a guest on Rove and talk about its junior baseball career. However, going to the flicks can be hungry work - the clever devils at the cinemas have realised this and catered for it by the provision of tasty treats. These are also disturbingly expensive, but if you're willing to buy a bag of chips for $8, they're willing to sell them for $8. If you're a tight-arse like me, you will be drawn to the "Value Combos" that are on offer. Drink, popcorn, bag o' chocolates. Sounds sweet, right? But don't think that the large option is the best deal though, despite the kid at the counter telling you that the large-sized combo is only 50 cents more than the medium combo. What they're not telling you is that the medium already costs $129.50 and is the size of a zepellin anyway. You will not be able to eat it all by the end of the movie, and you cannot seriously ever consider taking it home to finish later. And besides, there are only four pieces of popcorn in the box that are actually warm. Do not mention to the popcorn-dealing-candy-bar-attendant kid how much you can buy popcorn for in the supermarket; unless you brought a microwave to the cinema, that pack of popcorn kernels was a massive seventeen cent waste. Either pay the kid for your popcorn, or head back home for some Sea Patrol.
Plan ahead and buy some M&Ms from Woolies before you go in; you can buy an M&M factory cheaper than you can buy them at Hoyts. Better yet, get your friend to buy them and eat his.
As is tradition, there are small snippets, or "previews" of upcoming movies that are played before the feature film. The world is divided by the humble preview - you either love them or you hate them. Personally, I'm all for them. I like to see what's coming up so I can rag out people who bothered to see the latest piece of shit that "the producer of The Notebook" put their name to. It is also very NOT COOL to "tsk" and "nnuuuh" if there are more than three previews. If you don't like it, fuck off home and watch Sea Patrol. I'm sure the twelve thousand commercial breaks in that piece of shit will keep you entertained. I like to rate each film solely by its preview, and I'm never afraid to loudly voice my opinion on it. This can have its drawbacks if your opinion on the latest Matthew McConnaughey movie is "put a fucking shirt on, you sack of shit" and your girlfriend makes you take her to see that film two days later. Your treat.
If you don't like previews, go and take a piss. For the amount of money that you paid for your ticket, that toilet break is worth around $900.
Be prepared for humble pie if you bag out the latest shirtless wonder's romantic comedy exploits.
4. The movie
All that waiting and popcorn tossing and it's finally here. The movie is beginning! Oh boy, this sure is exciting. Try not to clap too much; as some people scare easily and they could have a heart attack and die.
It is now officially dark - whatever foodstuffs you have brought in with you are now somewhere in your lap - now is a good chance to see just how capable you are with your hands. Sure, you may be able to unclasp a bra strap one-handed, but can you find the opening of your Maltesers while stuffing popcorn into your mouth (or if your aim is bad, your ears… or if you’re hilarious, into your friend’s ears)? It's also a time for shhhh - if you must say something, make it audible only to the person next to you, and make sure that you know that person. Sometimes some smart-arsed comments are not welcomed when whispered to strangers.
Please try to keep up with the movie. Asking plot questions is NOT COOL, because while someone is explaining it to you, things continue to roll in the movie and if that person loses track of what's going on while they're explaining the last hour to you, you're both fucked and they may hate you forever. If your mobile phone isn't off yet - do it now. If it rings, I'll track you down and beat you to death with it. Unless it's a good phone, then I'll steal it and beat you to death with mine (which is switched off/not working). If you have set your phone to "vibrate", don't answer it unless you're Jack Bauer. If there was a life and death situation that only you could handle, I doubt you'd be wasting time by seeing a fucking movie.
If you didn’t pee before you came in, you might need to have a quick slash at some stage during the film. This is not a problem – you’re missing the movie, not me. But when you come back into the cinema, please don’t be yelling, “Yo Keisha! Where the fuck you at?" and then fall down the stairs. She’s actually fairly surprised that you made it back to the right cinema at all, and was secretly hoping that you got lost and starved to death.
If you must do something with your mouth, fill it up with popcorn and chocolate, or chew a pencil, or give out blowjobs or something. Just shut the fuck up.
5. After the movie
The credits roll and the house lights come back on; the movie as we know it is over. This is a tricky time during the movie experience – some people like to sit back and reflect on what they’ve just seen; others jump over seats in a fucking mad rush to get out and steal cigarettes from people at the bus interchange. Me, I like to play a game with whoever I’m with to try and get them to stay in the cinema with me for as long as possible. If I can be the last person out of the room, then my day has just got significantly better.
This is also a good time to become that old guy and the elf-chick from the SBS movie show and give the film a quick review. If you’re an idiot, this may backfire and you’ll probably give away that you couldn’t keep up with the plot and you wished that Adam Sandler at least had a cameo in it.
Throw away your rubbish on your way out – cause the kids who work at the cinemas sure as fuck won’t.
That’s about it, really. If you’ve been to the late session, you may steal whatever promotional things are hanging in the foyer, including cardboard cut-outs, drink cups, popcorn boxes and David Carradine (what, too soon?). If you’ve been to an earlier session, you should think about (but ultimately resist) sneaking into another cinema to watch half a movie that you didn’t want to see in the first place, and go and grab a beer and some hot chips instead.
Please hold onto your ticket and enjoy the movie!