Monday, January 12, 2009

Welcome to the future

Happy new year, pelicans! Hope it's treated you well thus far.

Well, 2008 was a splendid 366 days of non-stop laughs and action. Unless I'm mistaken, we saw the birth of the internet, recreational space flight, the invention of curry-flavoured dim sims, and Chicken Twisties won Australia's Next Top Model. Don Bradman hit a century in an over, Michael Jordan ran the 100 metres in 18 seconds and Fatty Vautin became Australia's Next Top Model. Pirates attacked Coogee, I love Portuguese chicken and Kevin Bloody Wilson won Australia's Next Top Model. It was a big year.

We can't keep living in the past, let's look forward to 2009, where I see the following things happening:

Bold and Beautiful leaving the 6pm time slot. Even though I'm a bit sick of The Simpsons, I'll watch every freaking episode (even the one where they just rehash all the songs they've performed over the years) than sit with this drivel. Days is better anyway, but I'd still watch The Simpsons over that as well.

TV Weathermen to be completely lost. Seriously, I thought we were meant to be having some sort of global warming phenomenon going on here - I had to pull out my beanie the other night it was so cold. And now I'm sweating like six goats in a shed. "And now onto the weather with Phillip Weatherman... Phil, what's in store for us this week?" "Fucked if I know! The whole country has gone to shit." The meteorlogical board must be shitting themselves right about now.

The whole universe to get over Gordon Ramsay. Turn on your TV, pick up a newspaper or switch on your Googlemachine and you're sure to find something relating to everyone's favourite foul-mouthed chef. And yes, I can see the irony in posting something about too much Gordon Ramsay, which adds to the Gordon Ramsay intergoogle traffic. I know what irony is.
I don’t hate Gordo, but I don’t particularly like him either. In case you’re thinking "Who the fuck is Gordon fucking Ramsay?", he’s a fucking chef who says "fuck" a lot. Big fucking deal. I swear when I cook as well, but no-one’s making seventy thousand TV shows about me as I combine baked beans and toast, are they? Ramsay is in such high demand that you can catch one of his fucking cooking shows on three different channels. And when his shows aren’t on (I’m pretty sure someone at Channel 9 got fired for not putting on another episode of Hell’s Kitchen Nightmares Celebrity Cook-Off Challenge for one night of the year), we’re berated by news stories about him having affairs or falling down a mountain while hunting puffins or the day he ran out of toothpaste.
Sorry Gramsay, I know it’s not your fault, but I’m just a bit sick of you right now. I’m sure you have millions of dollars to roll around in to soak up the tears of losing a viewer. I hope that money lasts when the world switches off, tiger.

Justin Timberlake to remain white. Despite his best intentions to try and fool everyone into thinking that he's an "African American" by saying "dog" and "izzle" a lot, JT will remain the whitest guy in the history of white people everywhere. The Beatles' White Album takes pity on Timberlake for being so damn white. Also, because his music is dog's balls and he is a girl.

Fifty-seven remakes of old movies and TV shows that were once good that now aren't will hit our screens in 2009. Michael Bay is following up his Transformers abomination with Transformers 2: More Abysmal, The Karate Kid is getting a face-lift (starring L'il Bow Wow or Will Smith's kid or someone equally as mis-matched to the part), even Friends is being translated into a movie, for fuck's sake! Not to mention every single comic ever drawn has already been given the green light to go ahead to the silver screen. Can't wait for the Wizard of Id movie to be released.

That FreeTV thing with digital channels won't be as good as people think it will be. Enough said. As long as I can still watch Letterman, I'll be happy.

Warney to punch Kevin Rudd in the head. Just because I think it would make him an even greater human being. I reckon Rudd is the kind of bloke who would hate it when you call him "Kev", and has probably never eaten a meat pie in his life. He makes me angry.

People with iPhones to shut up about them. It won't happen; I'm a realist, but it would be nice. We can dream, can't we? Speaking of dreams, I had a weird one the other night where one of my friends was in my car, and he had grey hair and was a woman. And not a particuarly attractive or convincing woman, either. Anyway, mobile phones are becoming disturbingly techy - some of them have a little kickstand on them so you can plonk it on your table to watch TV and movies. Seriously folks, if you have a table, chances are that you have a TV already - turn that on instead; it won't hurt your eyes as much and it won't run down your battery.

Ben Cousins will fuck up and get back on the drugs. Ben's cousin will be disappointed in him, as will his uncles, aunts and anyone who had faith that ol' Benny boy would give up the juice. Some idiots will talk about how bad a role model he is and should be sent to jail. People should pick their role models a bit better if they look to junkies for guidance. Then we'll all get over it and worry about Ricky Ponting's form slump.

McDonalds will continue to release shit burgers, yet remain seriously popular. Fuck it, they should just get rid of everything except cheeseburgers, and they'd still be massively successful. Cheeseburgers are my life. I had a KFC filler thing on the weekend, it was fucked; I would recommend against eating one unless it's for a dare.

Beer to remain awesome. It's been awesome for 2,000 years and if it gets fucked up now, I'm going to be SO pissed off.

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