Thursday, January 15, 2009

summer lovin', having a blast

Even the Death Star was feeling the summer heat. Vader really should have used Dulux Heatshield Weatherproof paint.

Dear Summer,

Thank you for finally arriving, and it appears that you're making up for your late appearance with gusto - kudos to you, and thanks for the temperatures in the high 30s. I had forgotten how it feels to stick to my couch.

If you're sticking around for the next month or so, we should catch up for a beer before you head off overseas again. Let me know when you're free! I can't do Tuesdays though.

Cheers tiger,

Mister Evil Breakfast

That's right, sportsfans; summer is here and has hit us in the butt like a fridge door that you left open as you rummage around in it looking for a jar of pickles. Here's Mister Evil Breakfast's Survival Guide to the Season That's in Everyone's Top Four List, Summer (MEBSGttSTiETFLS). I fucking love acronyms. IFLA.


Food during summer is a piece of piss - dust off your hot plate, fill up your gas bottles and fire up that barbecue. The humble 'q' is a versatile invention, and can be used to knock up a feast of sausages in the same time that it takes the butcher to ask "thick or thin?" The best thing about a bbq (other than the fact that it can be abbreviated quite beautifully, and involves a letter that doesn't actually exist in its original form), is that it doesn't matter if you burn the food you're cooking - in fact, you will become a better host and more accomplished chef if the food you supply up is at least 60% charcoal.

Serving a salad at your barbie is strictly optional, but if there are women-folk around, chances are that you'll have to provide some kind of green stuff for them. However, as women-folk are want to do, they will ask you if you would like them to bring a salad. This is women-folk code for "I don't trust you to have food that isn't meat, so I'll bring some greens." So in preparing your barbecue provisions, do not buy any unnecessary salad items, or they'll just go brown and soggy in your fridge.

If you don't actually own a barbecue, you should head down to Bunnings and pick one up. Also, you could grab 8 litres of paint and a cordless drill for a good price.


When you either invite or are invited to meet for a drink with friends, don't expect to be sipping on a coffee. The order of the day is beer, my friend. Nothing goes as well on a hot day as a tall glass of liquid gold. Beer, I mean, not really liquid gold - I don't think that would be refreshing at all, and would probably be quite hazardous to your health. If you wake up feeling a bit dodgy after a night of too much beer, I can imagine that after a few pints of melted gold, you'd be feeling a whole lot worse.

Stubbie holders

The stubbie holder is an out-and-out necessity. Carry one at all times, as summer provides ample drinking opportunities and you don't want to be caught without one. A stubbie holder is simple - it keeps your beer cold and your hand at a relatively comfortable temperature. They come in many different designs, from promotions for Jim Beam or Tooheys Extra Dry, or even a message from the Australian Government to "count your drinks" or "dial before you dig," to slogans, places, football teams or events. When given the choice at a friend's house, please pick your stubbie holder responsibly. You don't want to be subconsciously supporting Manly, do you?


Put away your winter woollies, crack out your shorts, t-shirts and thongs, baby. Rifle through your drawers and find your swimmers. If you're feeling adventurous, consider buying yourself a few tank tops. Are they still called tank tops? I haven't worn a tank since 19-dickety-two, and don't really intend on doing it again any time soon. I think they're just for girls and guys in hotted up cars with shit hair. Anyway, with all this skin that's been cooped up inside a hoodie for the last nine months suddenly being exposed to the sun, you should take care of yourself and adopt the tried-and-true concept of "Slip, slop, slap (and wrap" - I'm not a fan of the additional line myself; I think sunglasses are important and awesome [particularly since I just got a new pair], but for me, it kind of ruins the jingle. It's like when they introduced Poochie to Itchy and Scratchy). Or you could just lather yourself in baby oil, either one works fine.


I hope you're a fan of cricket and ironman competitions, because that's about all you'll be able to watch until about February. Both sports are great viewing entertainment while you're kicking back on the lounge with a beer and a bag of chips, so you can criticise the guy who's just run 40km on a beach for not paddling his kayak hard enough to catch a wave. I mean come on, the guy's just been paddling for the last 3 hours, surely he knows how to do it properly by now? Also, it's good to see Ponting bat and fail so Mike Hussey can come in and win everyone's heart. I'll drink to that.


In Australia, from mid-December through to the end of February, there are suddenly around 20 million extra insomniacs running around the streets. The windows are open, the fan is going, the sheets are off, you've got a damp towel over your face and ice cubes on your body, yet you're still sweating like a paedophile in a Humphrey suit. Add to that the fact that there seems to be a particularly noisy mosquito convention going on in your ear, you'll be happy when the sun finally rises and you can get up and don't need to try to fool yourself that you'll be able to sleep any more.

Dear Mister Evil Breakfast,

Sorry again that I was late in arriving - I really am quite embarrassed! I'm glad you're enjoying the high temperatures and lack of wind. Deodorant sales are up!

Would love to grab a beverage with you - how's next Friday? I'll give you a call during the week and we'll set something up. We should head down the pub and watch the cricket - I heard the other day that Ponting is still shit. Wait, I heard that from you. Never mind.

See you soon!

love Summer

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Go easy on Punter. He is a champion.
Luke Perry is also uber cool.

Mr Football