Thursday, November 20, 2008

Thursday bloody Thursday

Things that shit me:

Crap TV shows

Crap celebrities

Crap Australian cricketers

Things that shit me today:

Crap TV shows

Crap celebrities

Crap Australian cricketers

Let's wipe the dust off our crowbars and start whacking...

Crap TV Shows

You know who needs to see a movie called Australia? Australians, apparently. You know who would rather not be badgered by horrible marketing campaigns about a movie called Australia, set in Australia, starring Australians and made by Australians? Australians. You know who's way more excited about this film than she should be? Oprah Winfrey. I watched fourteen seconds of some crap called 'Oprah Winfrey yells at Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman for an Hour' and saw (i) Oprah Winfrey yell at Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman; (ii) Oprah mentally undress Hugh Jackman, dip him in chocolate and eat him; and (iii) Nicole Kidman struggle to look human.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I flicked over to Getaway... which had a story on Australia the movie. Dermot Brereton (I think, all AFL players look alike to me) made casual conversation with a real-life drover seem as painful as watching an actual game of AFL. The best edit they came up with for that particular story was the following gripping exchange:

Dermot Bererereton: "Nice sunsets you're got around here."

Drover: "Yep."

Dermott Beneton: "Beautiful. Absolutely perfect."

Drover: "Yep."

Kermit Bertnewton: "Sensational, mate."

Drover: "...yep."

Trust me on this one, Dermie - he didn't fucking make the sunset. He just lives in a magical place where the sun occasionally sets.

By the way, next time you make a mahoosive deal about how fucking spectacular a sunset is, don't do it in the middle of the day. Wait until, oooh I dunno... sunset.

The next story on Getaway involved some pelican wandering around Sydney drinking coffee at a bunch of different cafes. Some people have hard jobs, I reckon.

This brings me to...

Crap celebrities

Exhibit A: Ms Katriona Rowntree. I have seen her in person, and although I was well on my way to being past my best in terms of table manners at the time, I can say without a shadow of a lie that she is REALLY short, and a bit of a bitch. This was again proven in Getaway (not that she's short, that's just a fact you'll have to trust me on), but during her "job", she managed to endure a trip to Samoa and patronise everyone she met. She was as surprised as fourteen goats in a limousine to find that these people had mobile phones and(gasp) television, and that she could talk to them about general things like family and careers.

Holy shit Kaortina, it's as if these people are... human!

Which then brings me back to...

Crap TV shows

The Amazing Race. Actually, it's an enjoyable TV show, but the contestants are all pretty much idiots... if I was going on a reality game show where it entailed me to travel to foreign countries in hurried and high-pressure situations, I'd probably (i) pick up a map at some stage of my life and look at places other than my own neighbourhood; and (ii) take someone along with me who I know I'll be able to talk to and rely on.

If I had married and then divorced someone, I probably wouldn't take them. If I couldn't live with them in a house, sharing an airplane seat for the next few weeks with them probably wouldn't bode well.

I also wouldn't take someone I'd just started dating either. Nothing gets a relationship off to a strong start like yelling at your new girlfriend for spray-painting a car in India too slowly.

Then there's Bones. Fuck you, Bones. This show shits me. One-dimensional characters doing one-dimensional things who know everything about everything ("...that pollen comes from a particular typeof Japanese cherry blossom" was one of the great lines that allowed Bones and Buffyguy to catch their killer) makes the hour before Heroes feel like I've just watched another fucking documentary on Australia.

Also, I hate TV shows where they use computers that beep every time something on the monitor moves (including the cursor). That would piss me off something chronic. You know how it is when someone's mobile phone keeps beeping? Imagine that, but every single second of the day. There wouldn't be enough crowbars in the world, my friend.

Right now, I need eleven crowbars for...

The Australian Cricket Team

You guys suck. Well, I'll let Huss off, because I love him like Oprah loves a chocolate-covered Hugh Jackman, and Pup gets a reprieve for this game as well because he knuckled out 98 runs (be honest, Clarkey, you didn't deserve the ton; you edged 83% of the deliveries you faced), but everyone else gets a special delivery from the Crowbar Fairy (who is actually a pirate). Watson gets a double serving, because he's tits useless.

Wow. This is a long post. Here's a picture of a robot. If I made a robot, it sure as hell wouldn't be playing the violin. Unless, of course, playing the violin made people catch on fire.


Anonymous said...

Antonia Kidman is more usless than Rowntree and Nicole put togther.

I was with you when you saw Katrina Rowntree, you barffed everywhere that night.

Nothing wrong with Mitch!

Mr Football*, **

*Mr Football is not related to Mr Cricket.
** Mr Football also likes cricket.

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Ah memories... of passing out on a stranger's couch with a dim sim in my hand. Good times. Good times.

I also spent about $400 on Pringles from the mini-bar that night.