Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Chef's surprise

Due to a recent outbreak of violent attacks involving crowbars (thank you, anonymous comment-leaver), I've decided to become a bit more circumspect in my rantings and put the crowie away for the week. However, I feel I need to get something off my chest, and instead of adding them to my infamous Crowbar List TM, I will add them to the reservation list at the Coogee Bay Hotel.

So who's munching on a shit sandwich today?

- Aussie cricket team (but mostly Ricky Ponting)

Even after the bashing I gave them last week, they still didn't improve too much. I'm pointing a big, fat finger at Ricky Ponting as the main poo-eater here. The other boys picked up their games somewhat (even Shane Watson got wickets, for fuck's sake), but Ponts didn't want a bar of it. Or maybe he wanted to go back to the bar. In any case, he wasn't too keen on playing cricket. One double-scoop cone of your finest for the captain, please!

While we're on the subject of cricket, I'm sending a slice of choc-shit-mint slice to all the journalists who use the term 'reverse swing'. There's outswing (the ball moves away from the right hander) and inswing (moves into the right hander). Reverse swing? Which fucking way is it going?

- Barack Obama

Nothing against the guy, I'm just a bit over him. For a country that everybody hates, the media sure gave the US election a lot of attention. And being a bit honest here - it means dick all to Australia. As long as there are Oreos being processed and delivered to my local shops, I'm a happy camper. Besides, Morgan Freeman was the first black president anyway. Doesn't anyone remember "Deep Impact"? Meanwhile, Kevin Rudd's going to streak at the footy just so he can get on tv again. One 'chocolate' mousse for the new President, thanks.

- People everywhere

"Wah wah wah, the stock market crashed! The world is over!" The world is not over, stop being such a wanker and eat your Coogee Shit Pie. Has anyone noticed it, really? My groceries cost me an extra 13 cents, but I'm not about to sell my good kidney for it, because I'm pretty sure I bought 13 cents worth of extra grapes. Until Woolies is paying people to shop there, everyone will complain about the price of something. Can't buy a new car? Don't get one. Can't afford Foxtel? Then watch free-to-air; they're mostly the same shows anyway. Can't afford internet? Don't get it then - I'm sure your Facebook friends will be disappointed beyond all belief (they might even say "DBAB man! LOL!" on your 'wall') that they won't know that you're either "listening to Duran Duran LOL!!" or "feeling a bit sweaty gross LOL!!".

- Baz Lurhhhman and Nicole Kidman

Baz gets the award for the most unimaginative film title ever for "Australia". Nice work, Barry. Have a poo-covered lamington, tiger. I'm also offering an eclair de shit to Nicole Kidman, just so I can see if that will get her to change her facial expression. Nom nom nom.

- Good News Week

Channel 10 took off 90210 for another serve of this torrid dirge of lameness? Seriously, this show had its run back in 1923, and it was mildly entertaining then, but now it's a sad parody of itself that doesn't even try to convince the viewers that the script is improvised. If I have to wait for Mikey Robins to stutter and stammer and rush his way through another explanation of a "crazy" news story about a cat who can count, followed by a predictable and not-entirely-clever punchline, I'm going to hide a crowbar in the Shit Pizza I'm delivering to the GNW set. Hey Paul, sing that fucking song you always do. That'll be a surprise. And get more politicians on as guests, they're a laugh riot.

Bon appetit!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Always happy to help Mr. Evil. Besides, the shift away from crowbars to turds would make my favourite song writer (Scatman John) very proud.

Auf Wiedersehen, Hund.