BREAKING NEWS - the Prince formerly known as Prince Harry

This week, the world woke up to the news that Prince Harry and his missus, model-slash-actor-slash Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle, have decided to "stand down" from royal duties and will instead opt to become "financially independent" and split their time between doing sweet fuck all in England and doing even fucking less in North America.

Obviously this has created quite the panic around the globe, as we try to get used to the idea of a guy who was previously paid millions of pounds to not do anything, who is now going to do nothing and not get paid for it.  Personally, I think it's a good thing, as it means I am ever-so-slightly closer to being next in line for the throne; all I really need is a World War to break out exclusively in London, and I'll be posing for my royal portrait by the time My Kitchen Rules is over.

Harry and Meghan's decision to relinquish their duties breaks with royal tradition, I get that.  But what exactly has royal tradition brought the world, other than generations of inbreeding and a shit-tin of ponce and ceremony?  If we'd stuck with tradition, Henry VIII would probably still be chopping his wives' heads off - instead, ol' Hank 8 created a new religion in which divorce was legal.  I'm sure when this was suggested, the Axe and Guillotine Makers Union had a field day in the press too.

This may even start some kind of precedent which forces the stuffy old royal-born paedophiles and lizard-people, and all the other balding ugly buck-toothed swamp donkeys in the palace to safely remove their polo mallets from their silver-lined arseholes and become functioning members of society.

Thanks for your service, Prince Harry.  I'll never forget all those times that you did something, which was probably watching a World Cup final for free.

Married At First Sight 2019 application

Australia’s favourite secret shame of free-to-air television viewing has returned for another season of poorly-scripted reality drama and Instagram models looking for a call-up to the next season of Dancing with the Stars. 

I figured that I am ready to “find love” and go on “a journey” because I “deserve to be happy” and I’m sick of “dating” like a “normal person”, so I decided to apply to Married At First Sight to partake in this amazing “social experiment” that is in no way like putting a bunch of roosters in a box and watching them disembowel each other. 

Here is my ACTUAL application for the show.  I watched the first episode last night, so I don’t think I was successful. 

I apologise for any formatting fuck-ups, it's a pretty long application and they use different fonts and settings for it, so it really doesn't translate too well here.

Are you single and looking for the love of your life?  

No.  Wait, I mean yes.  Yes. I am very interested in finding my keys… I mean love LOVE LOVE.  I am very interested in finding love. 

Are you tired of swiping left in bars and want to find your perfect match?  

You don’t swipe left in bars.  I think you’ve mixed up “going outside” with “not going outside”.

Do you know of someone who deserves a partner to fulfill their dreams?  

I thought this was meant to be about me.  Also, do you know how to spell “fulfil”?  You don’t, by the way.

Are you ready to put your heart on the line and settle down?  

Not at all, but I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for either. 

Married at First Sight is searching for men and women of ALL ages and backgrounds and diversity who are genuinely ready to commit to love. This groundbreaking social experiment is returning and will continue to help Australian singles find their potential lifelong partner using the science of matchmaking.

The term "science of matchmaking" might just be a little bit misleading, but I am not proficient in the "science of using the word 'science' to make idiots think this is real".    

There’s just one catch.......you’ll meet for the first time on your wedding day.
Yes, I am aware of that.  It's in the title of your show.

This is not a competition and there is no cash prize.
Oh.  In that case, could I borrow $20?
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to find LOVE.
It's not though, is it?

 

---

What is your height in Centimetres ** It is important you measure yourself for an accurate reading**

Thank you, I understand how measuring something is the most accurate way of getting an accurate reading.  I’m assuming that the bar for this show isn’t being set that high.  I appreciate how exact height measurements is important when it comes to pretending to be married to someone. 

When I was at uni, there was this one time my friend and I were waiting for a class to start, and he pulls a tape measure out of his bag – I think it was like one that you get in a pack of condoms.  To pass the time, we started taking bets on how big things were – like the length of the desk, wrist circumference, etc.  For a long time, we would estimate the height of stuff, like "How tall do you think that mailbox is?" and we'd have a guess then we’d measure it (with a real tape measure).  We used to keep a tally going for years.  I was winning at last count, so I'm pretty good at measuring with my eyes.

What is your weight (in KGs)?

About 75kgs actually. There's no joke or story behind this, it's just what I weigh.  

Tell us about your upbringing and relationship with your parents.

We moved around a lot – I guess that was typical of a family of surfing bank robbers on the run from the FBI.  My dad was pretty strict; he was a police officer who threatened to send me to military school if I failed my history class.  I was able to pass thanks to the help of some friends and a magical time-travelling phone booth.  I wish I had that same phone booth when I thwarted a crazy guy from blowing up a busload of passengers, boy that would have made it easier!  Later, I would live in a different universe to a girl I met on that bus, and we’d send postcards to each other in the same house.   

What did your parents teach you about love?

My parents believed that children are the future.  “Teach them well and let them lead the way.” They showed them all the beauty they possessed inside & gave them a sense of pride to make it easier.  I let the children's laughter remind me how I used to be.  Everybody’s searching for a hero; people need someone to look up to - I never found anyone to fulfil my needs.  It was a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me.  I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadows; if I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe.  No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity.

Because the greatest love of all is happening to me.  I found the greatest love of all inside of me.  The greatest love of all is easy to achieve; learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

What will be your parent’s reaction to you being on MAFS? Will they be supportive or against the idea?

Probably against it, to be honest.  I reckon my mum will actually try to run me over. 

Who do you live with?

My wife No one.

How would your friends describe you?

Hilarious; the funniest guy in the world. Also the most handsome and athletic and dresses really well and is super rich. 

What would your family say are your worst character traits?

Lying, narcissism. 

What are you passionate about, tell us about your hobbies and life interests.

Spear fishing.  It’s seriously all I can think about some days.  Just standing there, poised at the edge of the water with my spear and trying not. to. make. any. movement so I don’t scare away the fish.  It is quite cathartic for me, to put myself into a kind of meditative frame of mind for so long just standing there with my spear gun.  Apparently the lifeguard at the pool didn’t find it quite as calming, nor did the mothers of the swim school. 

List three things about yourself that are interesting or unexpected.

1.  I still actively use my Yahoo mail address.

2.  I do my crosswords with a motherfucking pen, because fuck you, that’s why.  Also, I can never find a pencil.

3.  It took me three attempts to watch that XXX movie with Vin Diesel in it because I kept falling asleep during it.  I still don’t think I’ve seen it all, but that’s ok because I don’t think it’s actually a very good film.

What is your greatest regret / biggest mistake in life?

Undertaking this application is probably right up there.

What do you love to do in your spare time?

I’m a fairly simple guy, I like to keep in shape and eat healthily, but still find time to meet up with friends for a frosty beverage or to watch movies, read books and listen to music.  Life be too short not to enjoy thar simple things in loife, lest ye be walkin’ the plank wi’ Davy Jones n tharother landlubbin scurvy scoundrel. 

I also enjoy pirating. 

Talk me through your perfect Saturday night.

Why, are you free?  My Saturday nights usually involve a whole lot of lube and a bottle of wine.  

  

Are you someone who embraces change or do you prefer security within your comfort zones?

Let’s just say that the other day I drank milk straight out of the bottle without checking the expiration date.  Yeah, I guess you could say that I live life pretty much on the edge. 

The milk was bad, by the way, and I almost vomited in the sink, but most of it went straight into the cutlery drawer.  That reminds me, I really should clean that out.

Do you have any children?

Yes.  Some of which I will actually admit to. 

Would you like children or more children if you already have some?

Sure, as long as they’re good looking and successful and smart and shit. 

Please list links to all of your social media accounts. Eg Facebook, Twitter etc.

Facebook.com, Twitter.com etc.com  I had an Instagram.com account but it was hacked by some fucken Russian guy, so now I don’t know what to do.  I had like 5 photos on it and followed about 8 people so my life is pretty much over now. 

Tell us about your current living situation.

It’s not a tale for the faint-hearted.  I live a life of intrigue and mystery.  I have a house, and I built a wall down the middle of it, so I have like an apartment on *this* side and an apartment on *that* side.  In *this* apartment I have furniture, clothes, food, books, my cat.  In *that* apartment, I have different furniture, different clothes, different food, different books, different cat.  So I live on one side for a while until I get tired of it and I take off my clothes and put my book down on the counter and move to the other side and I plan to keep flip-flopping like this until I die. 

What is one major thing about yourself that you’ve never told anyone?

When I got an injection at the doctors, I said that it didn’t even hurt, but it really did.

Are you seeking a relationship with a man or a woman?

I’m a modern guy living in a modern world. You throw someone at me and I’ll do my best to tonk them.

What is your current relationship status?

(This answer is a drop-down selection, with “married” being included along with dating, in a relationship, engaged, de facto and other).  Naturally, I picked other.

            select Single Dating In a relationship Engaged De Facto Married Divorced Widowed Separated Other

If other, please elaborate:

Married

Help us understand why you are looking for love.

Aren’t we all just looking for love?  The yin to our yang, the Cheech to our Chong, the buttonhole to our corresponding button?  The ocean to our dolphin, the Wolverine claws to our Wolverine, the petals to our flower?  The pen to our paper, the workchair to our desk, the coffee to our mug, the staples to our stapler, the mousepad to our mouse, the “to do” list on my desk, the “final warning” email in my inbox, the meetings with human resources. 

What are some of the challenges you have faced on your search for true love.

Probably just being too good looking, you know?  Also, I went through a phase of wanting to have a man bun.  I don’t have one, by the way, but I’ve definitely thought about it, but my hair doesn’t really grow like that, you know? 

Note: this year’s season of Married At First Sight has a guy who describes himself as being “too good looking” and another guy with a man bun.

What qualities are important to you when it comes to friends and partners?

I’m a pretty simple, down-to-earth person, so I really look for easy-going, gullible rich people who are somehow still desperate for company and have a penchant for hard drugs and liquor. 

What qualities do you dislike in other people?

You know how people are rude to customer service workers, like checkout operators and waiters and flight attendants and everyone hates those people because they don’t deserve that?  I hate those people.  Fuck the waiters. Go get me a drink, or bring me salad or something.  I'm not paying for this.  

Would you like to get married one day?

Like, for real or just a pretend marriage like in this show, or when you were four years old and you dressed up and married the girl down the end of your street?  Because they both rank about equal on the “marriage” scale.

If yes, what is your ideal timeframe?

I couldn’t do anything til after 2pm. 

Are you open to talking about love honestly?

The movie is called Love Actually, you dickhead.  And I will talk about it for several minutes until I realise that I keep getting it confused with a Katherine Heigel film. 

Have you ever been married?

I’m not going to lie to you about this, beat around the bush, change the subject or steer the conversation away from answering this very, very important question, so all I will say is that I absolutely, positively, 100% can wholeheartedly say that in all honesty, there is a very high and probable chance and inevitability that at some point, in the past, that there have been people who would be likely to say that they have indeed been involved in a marriage.

When was your last relationship and how long did it last for?

It didn’t take very long, to be honest, but I’m taking pills for that. 

Approximately how many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?

As many as it takes, tiger. 

Have you ever tried to find love online?

There’s so much stuff online that it’s ridiculous.  I deadset can’t keep up with it.  You go out looking for a t-shirt, and all of a sudden you’re up to your eyeballs in porn, and then there’s an ad for some sexy singles in my area looking to hook up with me.  It’s all very flattering, and who am I to deny them?  

What other methods have you used to find love?

The rhythm method, the pull-out method.  I tried reverse cowboy but I threw out my hip.

Would you describe yourself as lonely?

Aren’t we all just a little bit lonely sometimes?  And fuck off for being so judgey.  It’s not like your life is perfect.

Tell us about the most romantic gesture you have ever made.

It was a few years back.  I was in a crowded bar, it was dark, the music was loud, I was about thirteen drinks in.  I saw the most beautiful girl standing at the bar and I knew that I would regret it if I didn’t at least try to talk to her.  So I waited for her to get her drink and I followed her across the room.  I stood next to her and stared at her, trying to catch her eye.  Eventually she succumbed to my charms and we locked our gaze.  I slowly made an O with the fingers on one hand and pointed my index finger with the other and made a “penetration” gesture to her.  She said no and I think she got a little scared.

Have you ever been unfaithful to a partner? If so can you tell us why.

HAHA you sound like my girlfriend, and my ex-girlfriend and my wife.

Have you had any medical problems eg. spinal injuries, asthma, allergies, epilepsy, diabetes or mental illness within the last 5 years?

If YES, please describe in detail:

Yeah you’d like that in detail, wouldn’t you, you sick fucks?

Have you had cosmetic surgery?

If YES, please describe in detail:

I’ve had COSMIC surgery, how about that?  I haven’t though, I don’t even know what it is.  I don’t think it exists, actually.  No, probably not.

Do you have any other health issues we should know about?

Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld, where George and Susan went to visit the Bubble Boy because Jerry was following them to Susan’s family’s holiday house in the Hamptons and they got separated?  That was a great episode.  “The Moops!”  LOL it still cracks me up.

Do you have any allergies?

If YES, please provide details:

I am allergic to paprika and coriander, but only when they are combined in the same teacup and also only on the second full moon of the cycle in Saturn’s eclipse.  It’s not usually an issue, and I’m on extensive medication for it, so it's not really an issue.   

Have you ever applied for a TV Show?

If yes, which show and what stage did you get to in the process?

Yes actually, I was selected to be in the audience for “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” in 2001 but I was deemed “too drunk” to make it through.  If they didn’t want people to pee openly in the studio, they shouldn’t have let me smuggle in a whole goon bag under my jumper. 

I also auditioned for “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” and came second. 

Have you ever appeared in the media (TV, Newspaper, Online) in any form?

If YES, please provide details.

YES, I appeared in the Classifieds section under the headline “Skinny white man seeks same” – I was attempting to find my doppelganger so I could recreate that scene from “The Parent Trap” at my workplace, but it turns out that’s not really what the classifieds are for. 

Have you ever been found guilty of or convicted of any criminal offence (other than any “spent convictions” that are no longer disclosable under applicable local law)?

If YES, please provide details:

My lawyer advises me to answer “no” to this question.  But off the record (and if I say that, then it's not even admissible in court), yes.  I have heaps of convictions.  Such is the life of a cattle-rustling bushranger with a meth lab and a penchant for jaywalking.  

Have you ever been subject to any non-judicial disciplinary hearings or tribunals (including any registered sporting body)?

If YES, please provide details:

I just don’t understand how it can be deemed a high tackle if the kid is only four feet tall.  What was I meant to do anyway, just stand there on the sidelines with the other parents and watch him score against my kid’s team again?

Have you ever been subject to an intervention or apprehended violence order (or similar)?

If YES, please provide details:

This is a trap, right?

Have you ever been declared bankrupt by a court?

I did not say that I was bankrupt, I declared it.  

Using gif memes is a great way to make people a bit dizzy

If YES, please provide details.

What details could anyone possibly provide here? 

Are you currently involved in any other dispute or court proceedings?

If yes, please provide details:

As soon as this murder charge goes away, then I can prove my innocence on the attempted murder charge (don’t worry, it’s a different case) and aggravated assault (same case), there’s only the kidnapping, arson and possession with intent to distribute to worry about.  And they barely have any evidence against me anyway, except for some CCTV footage and my fingerprints on a heap of weapons and my DNA (semen) on a whole lot of things.  A lot.  Oh, and my meth lab.  Hey, have you noticed that at no point in this application do you ask what my occupation is or where I live?   

Will you consent to undergo a Federal Police criminal record check? (this would be done at a later date).

You have my word that I am not a criminal.

Do you have any criminal charges pending?

If YES, please provide details:

I went through the self-serve checkout at Woolies the other day and accidentally pressed “red capsicum” instead of “green capsicum” and I didn’t tell anyone. 

Is there anything else you'd like to tell us?

I definitely don’t have a rash on my balls.  I think Wishing Wells are a scam and nothing is being done about them.  I hate seagulls but I always feel bad when I see one with a broken wing just kind of stuck on a beach and it's totally fucked. I'll usually just throw a towel over its dirty flying-rat head and put it in some shade so it can at least stay cool before stray cat comes along and kills it for being a fucking asshole that steals hot chips.  

  

Do you have any skeletons in your closet? if so, what are they?

Do you ever wonder what Marty McFly was thinking that after he came back from the past and his mum was trying to bang him, and his girlfriend had changed to Elizabeth Shue?  Do you think it was connected in any way?

	I have read, understood and agree to the Terms and Conditions
Yeah, like fuck I'm going to read that.  TICK. Your application is almost complete! Click next to upload your photos and videos and submit. Please upload a recent photo of yourself

I am a part-time silhouette model.  You may have seen my work as the guy on a toilet door, or the "green man walking" at the traffic lights.  

NRL 2018 - FINALS WEEK 1

Well, we made it through another year of the NRL without too many indiscretions. Luckily the Bulldogs players were all available for Mad Monday to maintain the "pissed idiots" quota. I'm not sure why clubs keep having these blow-out sessions in public places when they know that their half-wit players will continually fuck up. Or, you know, the players could also try not to get naked, rail lines of coke off each other's cocks and vomit in the street.

It's tough being a professional athlete sometimes.

With the end of the season still leaking out of our nostrils, let's have a look and see how your favourite team faired in 2018:

Sydney Roosters:
Living proof that it is quite, quite possible to buy a minor premiership and still avoid salary cap breaches. I still don't think they have played their best footy yet, despite coming first, which is a bit shit for everyone else. Cronk is still a liability in defence and has offered about as much in attack, other than "pass to Mitchell and see what happens."

Melbourne Storm:
We saw glimpses of the future of the Storm this year, and it's not looking particularly great for all three Melbourne fans. Their strength is in their structure, and any deviation from that leads to gigantic weaknesses that make them look like a big ol bunch of purple spastics.

South Sydney Rabbitohs:
I didn’t rate the Bunnies at the start of the season, then I did, then I didn't again, and now I'm just not sure. They have a gamut of superstars who are yet to fire at the same time. If that happens, the world will probably implode. If the Burgess brothers are the backbone of the team, Damien Cook is all the other bones, and Cody Walker is the skin. Keary is the appendix; you only notice him when he's trying to kill you,  Inglis is the damaged cartilage in your knee that makes it hurt when you climb stairs (you know you should get rid of it, but it might also be worse if you do), Crichton is your amputated finger and everyone else is all the other bits that I couldn't be bothered finding analogies for.

Cronulla Sharks:
Fuck the Sharks, honestly. Still probably the least likeable teams in the entire universe who are known drug cheats, grubs and salary cap frauds. The only reason they are still allowed in the comp is despite all of their dirty chratung ways, they're actually pretty good.

Penrith Panthers:
How? How how how how how did the Panthers finish in sixth position? They are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. They never looked dominant at any stage this year, and played their best footy when they were down by 30 points with six  minutes to go, and win by 12. You can ride that luck for a while, but eventually it's going to kick you right in the testicles.

Brisbane Broncos:
Hitting their straps at the right time, I'm a bit scared of the Broncos at the moment. Not like really scared though, I'd still fight them. Step up, Milford you fat fuck. They've somehow managed to put some off-field coaching-management issues behind them and performed way better than they deserved to.

St George Illawarra Dragons:
Still blaming their end-of-season slide on the Origin series that happened three months ago, the Dragons should bow out pretty soon and continue to fall short of expectations like usual. A few injuries haven't helped their cause, but the main issue is the freefall of Ben Hunt, who has lost ability and confidence so quickly that it wouldn't surprise me if someone removed his mask to reveal that he was Josh Mc Crone all along.

NZ Warriors:
The Warriors are always odds-on favourites to either win the grand final or come dead last, and this year hasn't been much different. They've managed to fly under the radar pretty successfully, and should not be underestimated as a genuine threat.

Wests Tigers:
The Tiges probably made a few new fans this year under the coaching of Ivan Cleary, and while not coming last was their greatest achievement, they weren't entirely convincing either. With a game plan based more on defence than than trying to score points, they weren't always entertaining to watch, but that is usually the case for any team with Robbie Farah in it.

Canberra Fucken Raiders:
Another glorious year for the boys in lime green, who ended the season with the highest amount of points scored. That sounds pretty good until you combine it with the fact that they didn't make the top eight, or really go very close to it. The popular fixes for their defensive lapses involved "sack the lot of em!" or "sack Ricky!", but I think the answer mught lie somewhere around teaching the lads how to tackle.

Newcastle Knights:
Didn’t come last, which is nice for a change. They also gave the rest of the NRL a preview at the next "big thing" in Kalyn Ponga, so we can expect to see him playing for the Roosters pretty soon.

Canterbury Bulldogs:
Finishing the year on a high, the Doggies eventually turned away from their trusted "let's stick with the same fuys doing the same thing & hope for something different" and threw a couple of young up'n'comers into the mix. Hey, here's a shock: they didn't suck. For a team without any superstars in it, they still had to offload a bit of their talent, plus Aaron Woods, at fire-sale prices. Who's looking after their books anyway, Keiran Foran?

North Queensland Cowboys:
After making an appearance in the Grand Final in 2017, all it took was the return of their best player, a true legend of the game and undoubtedly one of the greatest players of a generation, to send them to the bottom of the ladder, avoiding the wooden spoon in round twenty-fucking-four. Fairly disappointing year for the Cows, to be perfectly Francis. They probably held onto a few players a bit too long after their "best before" date. You have to pay attention to those dates, unless it's yoghurt. You can eat that forever.

Gold Coast Titans:
I am surprised to see the Tits so far down the ladder, to be honest. I didn't think they were this shit. Consistency was their greatest enemy this year, along with tackling, handling, kicking and scoring. With another quality half to take some pressure away from Elgey, 2019 could see the Titans at the lofty heights of "only just missing the finals".

Manly Sea Eagles:
At the start of the year, I had a dream that Manly won the grand final. Obviously this is a signthat I shouldn't pay too much attention to my dreams, except for that one with Star Wars-era Natalie Portman. Manly have got a heap of quality players, so maybe this time - and this time only - the coach is to blame. It was actually a bit rude of them to be so bad at footy but still avoid the wooden spoon.

Parramatta Eels:
Holy fuck, what happened here? It's not even that the players are that bad, but as soon as they found themselves behind on the scoreboard, or facing sustained pressure (both of which happened this year a lot), the team lost interest, lay down, had a quick wank & fell asleep. I don't think I need to iterate that that is NOT how the game of rugby league is played. Lying down and sleeping is frowned upon. The less that next year's team resembles this year's one, the better.

Finals Week 1

Melbourne Storm vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

It's a tough one to pick, unless you hate the Storm. Munster, Slater and Vunivalu will be back for Melbourne - Munster is only playing for more money for more cocaine at the moment, Slater is pretending that he is as popular as Johnathan Thurston and that anyone cares about his retirement, and Vuni has played like balls all year. Go Souths in a tight one.

Penrith Panthers vs NZ Warriors

Penruth managed to pull a home final for this match, although you'd have to question whether you would prefer to play a game at your actual home ground, a 20,000 seat sold-out stadium , or to play it in front of 15,000 fans in front of 65,000 empty seats. Either way, the Panthers look done to me, despite limping home last week. Go Warriors bro.

Sydney Roosters vs Cronulla Sharks

Could be game of the round, but knowing these two fucken clubs, it will be shit boring. I have tipped the Chooks, but I might change my mind.

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Dragons

Inspirational Dragons captain James Graham gave everyone a hot tip during the week: "if youwant to write off St George, put money on the Broncos." Thanks James, that is pretty much what everyone in the world has done. See youse next year.

NRL 2018 - Round 25

Lucky last regular round of the season.  For half of the competition teams, it means they get to start their summer holidays early, like when you were in high school and you finished your exams before your friends because you did useful subjects like drama and art, while they had to study for an extra week for that precious "English" grade, as if their going to use that ever.

Big news in the league this week is that Cronulla have cheated the salary cap. This is such a huge shock to me - I wouldn't have thought that a team who had previously used illegal performance-enhancing drugs would be involved in such a scandal, especially if that team had ten representative players.

Round 25

Operation “Get Manly the Wooden Spoon” has not been entirely successful.  In order for the Sea Eagles to claim their inaugural last-placed award, the Broncos will have to smash the absolute fuck out of Manly (just for good measure), and the current last-placed team, the Parramatta Eels, will have to defeat the second-placed Roosters by at least 52 points. 

It’s not looking good.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Wests Tigers

As the old saying goes, "Beware the team with nothing to lose". The Bunnies would normally piss this one in, but their recent form has been shithouse and I wouldn't be surprised if they manage to fuck up the unfuckupabble.

NZ Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Some would say that the Raiders are at that stage of the season where they are completely indestructible, others would say that the Raiders are heading to New Zealand with the full intention to get on the piss, get loose AF, get some tribal face tattoos and fuck a sheep.  Footy will come a distant second to some off-field hijinx.

Melbourne Storm vs Penrith Panthers

Melbourne could wrap up the minor premiership with a win, and it couldn't come against a team looking more lost than the Panthers. Even Billy Slater couldn't be fucked turning up to farewell his fan for his final home regular-round game.

Newcastle Knights vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Alright, let's give the Dragons one last victory for nostalgic purposes, then they can make like a censor and get the fuck out of there. My prediction last week about Ben Hunt regaining form may not have been entire accurate.

Gold Coast Titans vs North Queensland Cowboys

The Johnathan Thurston jerk-off tour continues, and I wouldn't put it past the Titans to ruin his send-off appearance. The Cows might have saved their best for last week, and no one is ever sure what the Titans' best actually is.

Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters

It's clear that teams have figured out the way to beat the Roosters.  No expansive play, get your completions near 90%, take every penalty kick you are given and attack the wings and hope for a Tupou or Ferguson error to give you a try. Cowboys, Raiders and the Broncos all did it, but I'm not convinced that anyone at Parra was paying attention.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Cronulla Sharks

Will a tumultuous week put the Sharks off their gold-laced steroids enough for the Doggies to upset them? Probably not. Still, wouldn't mind seeing everybody's new hero Reimus Smith run past Val Holmes for a try or two.

Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles

How sad is it that the Broncos are currently the form team in the NRL? Trust me, it's sad. How the fuck did that happen? A team with Boyd, Milford, Thaiday and Kahu shouldn't even be legal. I blame the rest of the NRL for allowing this to happen.

NRL 2018 - Round 24

While the rest of the league fucks about with coaching and CEO blow-ups, salary cap breaches, retirees, injuries, drug cheats, assault claims, new tattoos, contract negotiations and very occasionally a game or two of footy, I have decided to concentrate on the sorts of things that really matter in this sport of kings:  who has the coolest names in the NRL.  

The last few weeks have introduced some new players such as Shibasaki for the Broncos, and last week Emre Guler received his first-grade jersey for the Raiders (from his mum, who is a good sort and also owns a kebab shop).

I've scoured the playing lists for the year and have come up with a shortlist of the names that I think are the best.  

Renouf Toomaga (Bulldogs) - everyone knows that if you run off Renouf often enough, you'll score tries.

Clay Priest (Bulldogs) – sounds like he should be a genre of character in a fantasy video game, like a Forest Elf or an Ice Dragon. It would probably be one of those games where you walk around endlessly trying to solve a quest and the townspeople just keep repeating the same three phrases at you, and the shop owner wants 20 gold pieces for a leather tunic, but you only have 18. 

Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad (Warriors) – a game of “what should we name the baby” that was resolved by dipping blindly into the bag of Scrabble tiles.

Slade Griffin (Knights) – this is the name of the popular guy in every high school movie set in the 80s. He may wear a leather jacket and he definitely drives a TransAm. “Did you hear that Kimberley made out with Slade Griffin?” “Oh my god, Slade Griffin. He is so boss.”  Even the teachers love Slade Griffin, except for the meddling headmaster.

Marcelo Montoya (Bulldogs) – Marcelo Montoya's father was a great Spanish blacksmith, who was killed by a six-fingered nobleman over the price of a sword. Marcelo seeks to avenge his father's murder, but is limiting his search to the sidelines of Bankstown Oval.  So far, he has not made much progress.

Keegan Hipgrave (Titans) – a lesser known character in the Harry Potter series, Keegan made it into the reserve-grade Quidditch team and also excelled in Potions class, finishing 2nd in his year level. In a deleted scene, he asks Hermione to be his partner in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but she says no.

Payne Haas (Broncos) - following his defeat of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, the Italian Stallion faces a new challenger in Payne Haas, in what is essentially a remake of the same movie.  With dialogue like "Now you're in my Haas!" and "if Payne persists, see your doctor", the Oscar buzz is already palpable with this one.

Emre Guler (Raiders) – a low-level Batman villain who trained with the League of Shadows, Emre managed to track Batman back to Wayne Manor, but was soon foiled by Alfred, who wiped his memory with a potion that was never used or mentioned again. 

Gehamat Shibasaki (Broncos) - a traditional Asian stereotype, Gehemat is a Japanese samurai who honours his family with every breath, does not understand rap or country music, is a humble rice farmer, practices Chinese tea ceremonies with Geishas, is very good at those Dance Dance Revolution arcade games, drinks bubble tea, has outstanding mathematics ability, plays the violin and clarinet, will barter with you on the price of everything, and cannot handle his alcohol.     

Ofahiki Ogden (Warriors) - part Maori bouncer, part Viking god, part IKEA furniture. Is as simple as he is complex, and is as deep as a hole.  

Round 24

Wests Tigers vs Manly Sea Eagles

Last week, the Sea Eagles managed to score 34 points, with five tries being split between the Trjbovic brothers. They still lost.  I can't imagine the Tigers leaking that many points, but I also can't imagine them scoring too many either.  This is the last roll of the dice for the Wests boys to stay alive in the season, so they'll be clinging onto this one with a GI Joe kung-fu grip. 

NZ Warriors vs Penrith Panthers

Well this is a game that means absolutely dick-all. They should battle this one out through a BeyBlade tournament, and then just kick Penrith out regardless of the outcome.

North QLD Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels

It's promising to be an emotional game, this one.  Not only is this a HUGE step towards either claiming or escaping the wooden spoon, the Cows will be celebrating robo-prop Matt Scott's 250th game, Jake Granville playing his 100th, Jason Taumololo returns from a pissweak suspension ready to fuck some shit up and the golden boy Johnathan Thurston playing in his final game in front of his home crowd.  The stage is set for the Cowboys to really let everybody down in spectacular fashion.

Canberra Fucken Raiders vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Rabbitohs have named Johnston and Inglis to make their returns from injury, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Burgesses will remember how to catch this week too.  For the Raiders, Joe Tapine has been ruled out with a foot injury, which means that the role of "giving away stupid penalties" lies solely with BJ Leilua.

Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm

This game gets my patented "Wouldn't Surprise Me If This Was An Upset" stamp.  It also gets my "This Could Be Another Fucking Flogging By The Storm" stamp and a "Cam Smith Is A Little Bitch" sticker.  I have a lot of stationery.  If the Storm just run at Ash Taylor all game, they should come away with a win here.  

Sydney Roosters vs Brisbane Broncos

Hmmmm probably game of the round, to be perfectly Francine with you.  The last time they played it was a deadset clanger of a match, with Mitchell and Roberts swapping barbs and flinging shit.  A lot has changed since then - Anthony Milford has stepped up his game, Cordner is bending the line, Corey Oates has had a haircut.  The last few weeks have seen teams play conservatively against the Roosters to come away with the biscuits, but I don't think that will happen in this game, and we'll see a close, high-scoring match. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Newcastle Knights

This should be an easy with for the Sharkies, but I can't think of anything even remotely interesting to say about it. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs

The Saints managed to stop their freefall into Shitsville last week, but the top eight is so congested at the moment that a loss this weekend could fuck them right up and end their season somewhat prematurely and explosively.  I think Ben Hunt is going to have a blinder and stick this game right up his detractor's arseholes, but then they'll just say "eh, it was only the Bulldogs" and he'll get all sad again.   

NRL 2018 - Round 23

Following last week's shock hooking of Penrith coach Anthony Griffin, other clubs have gotten in on the act as well, hoping that it will inspire their team the way that the Panthers came back against the Titans to notch up an important win.  I reckon the Raiders should start firing all kinds of people during the game.  Get rid of a couple of the head coach, trainers and physios by half time, then show the door to cheerleaders, mascots, Blake Austin and at least one assistant coach during the second half.

The Manly Sea Eagles got in quick with a press release which basically said, "We have no news. Stay tuned!" and then they followed that tantalising announcement with a press conference in which they stated the same thing, but to a room full of journalists.  I can't wait for the next instalment of "Because Fuck Manly, That's Why."  We all know that coach Trent Barrett is going to get the chop, and no one cares, so why prolong the inevitable?  

It might as well say that "Trent has the full support of  the Manly board"

The Broncos then decided that they wanted a bit of the "our coach is fucked too, hey" trend in the NRL and are at loggerheads with old man Wayne Bennett.  I'm not sure if it's a good idea to piss off the Grim Reaper, but I'll let Brisbane handle that for themselves.  At this stage, it's difficult to determine whether Brissy are trying to piss Bennett off, or if Bennett is trying to piss off the Broncs, but in the end I don't think it really matters; the important thing is that Brisbane are shit.

In fact, Brisbane are in that much trouble that they are actually looking forward to getting Jack Bird back from injury.  This is the same Jack Bird who has a McDonalds credit card attached to his contract, who doesn't actually have a position in the team and single-handedly lost two games in his eight appearances for the Horsies this year.  

Assuming Jack is on $800,000 per year as was reported, here's a brief rundown of his value to the Broncos in 2018:

- 636 minutes played, equating to $1,257 per minute.  

- 415 running metres, or $1,927 per metre.  Note that Jason Taumalolo knocked up 221 metres in just one game last week.  

- 140 tackles for $5,714 per tackle.

- 13 tackle breaks @ $61,538.

You're worth every penny, Jack, you fat fuck.

Round 23

Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Souths were back to their shitty best last week and contributed to fucking up my tips (along with every other fucking team), with Sam Burgess forgetting the first part of his game plan:  (don't) drop the ball.  The Broncos have had a pretty bad week so let's hope that it keeps going downhill for them and they slide out of the finals.  It's also nice to see that both teams have opted not to play with a fullback for this game, with Darius Boyd slotting into the #1 jersey for the Broncs and Dane Gagai taking over for Souths.  

Manly Sea Eagles vs Gold Coast Titans

This game could produce 90 points, 0 points, both teams could win by a lot, both teams could scrape in a victory, it could produce some amazing play or it could be used as an educational tool about what might happen to you if you don't finish high school.  

Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels

Oh hey Parra, nice of you to turn up last week and destroy a top 4 team by forty points.  I mean, it's not like that sort of form would have been handy for the last 20 rounds or anything.  Melbourne will probably come out swinging in this one, because they were thoroughly embarrassed by a team with Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan in it last week.  

Penrith Panthers vs Newcastle Knights

Gotta go for someone, right?   

Wests Tigers vs St George Dragons

I actually don't think the Dragons will win again this year.  They were absofuckinglutely untouchable at the start of the season, but have fallen in a heap unlike anything we've seen since they did the same thing at the same time last year.       

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

It wouldn't surprise me if the Cows get up again this week.  I'm not tipping them, but it just wouldn't surprise me.  They are playing very no-nonsense footy right now and are concentrating on just completing sets and moving the ball forward.  For those playing along at home, Paul Gallen needs just three more losses to be crowned "Biggest Loser" for an NRL career.  I can't think of a more deserving player.   

Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors

I am about as confident in picking this game as Con the Confidant, who despite his name, was not confident at all, and was renowned for his lack of football tipping prowess.  Also, he had a drinking problem and a pretty bad home life.  So... you know.  Things weren't great for Con.      

Canberra Raiders vs Sydney Roosters

Sometimes it's nice just to appreciate the fact that Canberra even has a team.  So that's what I'm going to do as I watch try after try after try go against us this weekend.  The Roosters could rack up a golf score here.  You mean a cricket score?  You've never seen me play golf, have you? 

NRL 2018 - Round 22

WOW WHAT A WEEK IN RUGBY LEAGUE.  AN AMAZING 7 DAYS.

Penrith are in the market for a new coach after sacking old mate Anthony “Hook” Griffin during the week.  It’s a controversial move, you know, firing the head coach of a football team FOUR WEEKS OUT FROM FINALS.  But I’m sure the Panthers know what they’re doing.  I mean, it’s not like they would have made such a big decision like getting rid of a coach if they didn’t have another coach in mind, not saying it’s Ivan Cleary even though it totally is, to take over the role without actually having discussed it with him first. 

The main reason that the Panthers want Ivan Cleary to coach is because their halfback, Nathan Cleary, is his son.  Legend has it that Nathan sprung from Ivan’s chin during the mid-90s in full playing gear and slotted a sideline conversion to win the game for the North Sydney Bears against the Illawarra Steelers.  Personally, I think having a father coaching his son probably shouldn’t happen once high school is over.  I remember there was a kid at my high school who was picked for the first XI cricket team even though he was rubbish, and everyone knew that he was only in the team because his dad was the coach, AND there were rumours that his mum was fucking everyone involved in high school cricket as well.  Actually, whenever anything good happened to anyone, we just assumed it was because their mum was sleeping with a teacher or the head of a department, so there’s probably no truth to any of this at all.  Sorry Tim.  I’m sure you were a good player.

To take a bit of heat away from the Panthers, and because they’re massive drama queens, the Melbourne Storm called a media conference on Wednesday for a totally secret announcement that was always going to be about Billy Slater retiring, because he can’t stand it when the focus is on someone else. 

Here’s a list of other things the Melbourne Storm could have announced that would have been slightly more interesting than the retirement of an athlete who’s about 300 years old.  It’s hard to be a professional athlete when you keep asking the trainer for a cup of tea in back play:

• They moved to Perth three years ago and no one noticed
• They are still cheating the salary cap 
• They signed Nathan Cleary as coach and Ivan Cleary as halfback
• Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was the ghost at the fairground all along
• Billy Slater removes his mask to reveal that he was Sandor Earl all along
• Cam Smith and Billy Slater’s sex tape was leaked.  It wasn't very good.
• The Storm announce signing of new fullback for 2019, Silly Blater for $20,000 (plus third-party payments)
• Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was Alex McKinnon all along
• Will Chambers decides against kicking ahead and instead opts to pass the ball
• Billy Slater’s Wally Lewis Medal for Player of the Series in Origin takes off its mask to reveal that it was Kalyn Ponga all along
• Cooper Cronk reveals that he was never mates with Cam Smith or Billy Slater because Cam Smith and Billy Slater have no mates
• State of Origin representative Tim Glasby removes his mask to reveal that he was a $700,000 yacht all along
• Clive Churchill receives Brownlow Medal, thanks Billy Slater. Removes his mask to reveal that he is Dally Messenger
• Dally Messenger wins Dally M medal, wonders what all the fuss is about and gives it to Billy Slater, who removes his mask to reveal that he is still Billy Slater 

In the end though, Billy decided that his time was up, and closes one of the greatest careers of one of the best fullback to play the game.  It’s not very often that a single player can bring about so many rule changes that involve attacking the face and head of an opposition player through the use of your football boots or your knees. 

A lot of people will remember Billy for when he kicked ahead in Origin to score in 2004.   I’ll always remember him for when he kicked a head in every game he played.

Round 22 

Nth QLD Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos

The Broncos bring to the table their latest recruit in Gehamat Shibasaki, who should be made an Immortal simply based on his name.  It’s not often a player of Japanese-origin gets a game in the NRL, probably because they’re racist and have shown great dishonour in not serecting more Asians.  The Broncs have been in a lovely downward spiral lately, although they do have a 3-game cycle where they (1) play really well, then (2) play well enough to win, and then (3) play like their hands have fallen off.  We are currently back at phase (1), so they should get the biscuits in this one.

NZ Warriors vs Newcastle Knights

The Warriors are juuuust hanging onto the Top Eight, and it will take some mathematical nonsense for them to miss out on the finals from here.  I am wondering if they’re just going to take things pretty easy from here to avoid injuries, or if they’ll actually give this “trying to win” business a shot.  I’m tipping the Warriors, but I really have no fucking clue anymore.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

The Bunnies are officially the real deal.  Like, officially.  It’s official.  The Roosters have also been doing pretty well, but an injury to halfback Luke Keary hasn’t done them any favours at the business end of the year.  With the Burgii boys back to bashing blokes with the best of the best for the Bunnies, I give this an alliterative thumbs up to Souths.

 Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers

I think that after last week’s “performance”, we can all safely assume that the Titans have clocked off for the year… which is EXACTLY what they want you to think as they spring a surprise attack on the Panthers.  As we all know, any team that sacks its coach during the week has the unnatural ability to annihilate any opposition that weekend.  I’m not sure why the Panthers have decided to use their superpower now, against the Titans, in a match that means absolutely dick-all, but it’s an interesting strategy; let’s see how it works out for them.

 Manly Sea Eagles vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Both teams scrapping to stay off the bottom of the ladder.  This one could get ugly.  I’d recommend recording it and then watching it back at triple-speed with the Benny Hill theme music going in the background.

Parramatta Eels vs St George Dragons

If there’s a team that can drag the Dragons (see what I did there) out of the slump that they’re in, it’s the cellar-dwelling spastics from Parra.  How are the Saints still coming fourth?  That’s just ridiculous; it feels like they haven’t won a game since April.

Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

GO YOU FUCKEN RAIDERS.  It’s the traditional 40+ point flogging round; I have no idea why or how, but Canberra really puts on a show against the Tiges.  I’m sure the Raiders will somehow manage to fuck it up, but I’m staying positive.  Canberra by 28.

Melbourne Storm vs Cronulla Sharks

After hearing about Billy Slater’s retirement, the Cronulla Sharks immediately offered him a contract until 2020, bringing their total number of fullbacks to eighty.  I think the Storm will lift again this week, as long as Smith can sacrifice enough virgins to stay on the field for the full 80 minutes.  It’s not a religious offering, Cam Smith just fucking hates virgins.  He won’t even use olive oil.

Get your limited edition commemorative Billy Slater memorabilia before they sell out:
 "Leaving his mark on the Game"

NRL 2018 - Round 21

There's not much going on in the league world at the moment.  I guess that kind of thing will happen when you ban Todd Carney.  It doesn't help that Josh Dugan has been injured for the best part of 20 years and hasn't been able to get into as much trouble as usual.  Some say that he's still gingerly nursing a hangover on the couch to this day.  

Congratulations to Big Mal Meninga for being named as an "Immortal" during the week.  Introduction into the Immortals group was going to be between Mal and Darren Lockyer but then Mal just said "I'll fucken smash youse" and the decision was made.

I'm not arguing

So Mal joins an elite group of players including Norm Provan, Dally Messenger, Clive Churchill, Johnny Raper and Arthur Beetson, and rumour has it that the Roosters have offered two-year contracts to four of those players.    

Round 21

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos

It really would be the most Broncos thing to do if they lost this game.  Despite winning last week against a lazy, possibly super-stoned Tigers opposition, the Dogs are done, man.  Like, stick a fork in them kind of done.  Sooo done.  Like Ross and Rachel kind of done.  Are people still comparing things to Ross and Rachel?  You know who I never liked?  Rachel.  Also, Monica.

Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers

Carn you fucken Knights, hey?  I have no idea why, but I’m riding Newy home in this one.  It’s not personal though – I don’t think I could name three players from either side.  Ponga, Guerra, Shaun Kenny-Dowall.  Benji, Farah, Elijah Taylor.  Turns out I was wrong.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Melbourne Storm

PHROAR WHAT A GAME THIS SHOULD BE if Souths bother turning up for a fucken change.  They won’t be able to fuck about like they did last week before they start taking the game seriously.  I’m going for Melbourne; they looked pretty shit hot last week.

St George Dragons vs NZ Warriors

As is tradition, the Dragons were looking all fucking razzle dazzle and completely unbeatable early in the year and are now on a perfect downward trajectory into Shitsville, which just happens to be the current residence of the Warriors, who have decided to move into their spiritual home.  Both teams look like they would rather be anywhere doing anything rather than knocking about a footy field.  I reckon the Saints will wake up just enough to scrape through with a 20-point drubbing.

Parramatta Eels vs Gold Coast Titans

NOBODY CARES.  Somehow, the Titans are still a chance to make the finals.  I mean, they won’t, but there’s a chance.  But it won’t happen.  But they’ll win this game. 

Sydney Roosters vs North Queensland Cowboys

Nobody’s giving the Cowbs much of a chance in this game, which makes sense because they are absolute garbage at the moment and deserve to feel bad about themselves.  The Roosters have finally decided to flex their flexing muscles and are actually looking dominant against quality opposition.  I guess it just goes to show that if you have enough money and are willing to cheat, good things will happen to you.

Cronulla Sharks vs Manly Sea Eagles

No offence to either of these teams, but I hope there’s a fire in the stadium while they're playing and everyone gets burned to death and dies but then everyone makes a miraculous recovery and they all come back to life and they go on to live long and fulfilling lives but they never play football again. 

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

Let’s have a wander down memory lane:

In Round 9 in 2016, the Panthers snuck in a field goal in the 78th minute to beat the Raiders 19-18.

In Round 14 in 2017, the Panthers scored twice in the last two minutes to defeat the Raiders 24-20. 

In Round 24 in 2017, a late try gave the Panthers a 26-22 win over the Raiders.

In Round 14 this year, the Panthers drummed up 7 points in the last five minutes to sneak past the raiders 23-22.

Fucking Raiders.

NRL 2018 - Round 20

It’s Thursday afternoon, which means it’s time to rub my crystal ball and predict some NRL results… “Concentrate and ask again.”  Sorry, wrong ball.

This week, there has been a lot of kerfuffling about the refereeing from last round, in particular the hatchet job that was the Raiders vs Cronulla game, where there were at least three game-changing moments that all seemed to fall into the Sharks’ flippers.  It was a bit shit, to be honest, as it has more-or-less put the death-knell on Canberra’s season officially, but obviously there are other things for the team to worry about; like working on some defensive lapses, how to catch a ball, why BJ Leilua doesn’t play like that every week, how to stop getting dicked by the ref so much because who cares how well you defend when they are just going to gift tries like that anyway, and also improving second-phase play in attack. 

As we draw ever-closer to the finals, we can see that the top eight is basically sorted by now, but the real interest is on the bottom four teams who are all fighting and struggling to stay relevant.  The shitfight that is the bottom of the ladder involves Parramatta, Cowboys, Bulldogs and Manly - they are all looking to avoid the wooden spoon, and all of them have a very realistic and well-deserved chance to win it.  It’s probably not the bottom four that I would have predicted at the start of the year, but it’s also nice that Canberra isn’t involved. 

Round 20

Brisbane Borncos vs Cronulla Cheating Sharks

I hate to say it, but the Broncos are actually looking halfway decent at the moment.  In last week’s routing of Penrith, Milford almost looked like he was giving half a shit and not just thinking of the new Spicy McNuggets at McDonalds (which are actually pretty good).  We’ll see how the fat little fuck goes this week, but my tip reluctantly goes to the Horsies.

North QLD Cowboys vs Newcastle Knights

The Cows will only be trying to win so they don’t come last, which always ups the intensity by about forty (forty what?).  Newcastle, in an unprecedented situation, don’t even have that incentive this year.  They will be welcoming Kalyn Ponga back from injury to wreak havoc on his old team in a “yeah nah no hard feelings but hey” kind of way.  Despite their lack of purpose, I will give the Knights my blessing for this game.  I’m sure they appreciate it. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers

FRIDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL WOOOOO oh wait, it’s a game between the Dogs and the Tiges.  The only good thing about this game will be that when you acknowledge 10pm on a Friday night, it means you have the longest time you’ll ever have before the next Bulldogs game.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers

Both had a cricket score put on them last week, so who knows what’s going to happen this week?  Hopefully a cricket match.  Manly were amateur last week and were actually lucky to “only” concede 56 points. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Parramatta Eels

Souths came back to earth with a big ol’ crash last week and will hopefully take some of Sam Burgess’ advice and “get up you weak cunt cat.”  While I do love seeing the underdog win, usually the underdog is somewhat likeable.  Go Souffs.

Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders

It will be interesting to see if the Raiders can pull themselves back up from last week’s disappointment and the fact that they now have nothing to play for and will probably be struggling to find any real meaning in everyday life and be unable to find enjoyment in regular activities.  But you know, that’s fine.  Hopefully they just don’t drop their bundles completely and either spend the next few weeks fucking about on the field or trying to inflict some kind of career-ending injury on their opposition.  There’s gotta be a fine line there somewhere.

Gold Coast Titans vs NZ Warriors

Yeah nah, dunno.  Reckon the Tits might be a good option for this one, but I’m going to tip the Warriors because for some reason it just seems more sensible. 

Sydney Roosters vs St George Dragons

The Dragons haven’t been traveling all that well lately, and were pretty unconvincing in their win last week.  They were obviously less convincing in their loss the week before, and even less so the week prior to that.  But before that, some time around 1912, they were very strong.  And fuck the Roosters.

It's hard to tell from this angle if the flag is up and the play should have stopped.