yes, quite...

I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't have any clean clothes. Because let's face it, who wants to do washing on the last day of their life?

sing, sing, sing me a song...

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression that I am trying to convey with my store. On the other hand, I would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

come on, let's driiiiive...

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

money money money... must be funny...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

arrrr!

If you were a pirate, you know what would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?

girls like that, girls like that won't go for guys like us...

I bet it would be almost impossible to get a root if you had the plague.

lucy in the sky with diamonds...

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a good way to get everyone to relax would be to pretend you were swimming.

memories...

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

party tricks

If you're ever at a party, and things are a bit quiet, grab a burning log from the fireplace, and jump on it. Then roll around the room, yelling, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" at the top of your voice. Then the party will be more fun. I've never done it myself, but I'm pretty sure it'd work.

mmmm...

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!

i'm not gay, i swear.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" pants, and a big new rubber manta-ray helmet, I can't help but to wonder: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?

gentlemen...

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

don't be lazy

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

those were the days...

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

Crane

--

Kicking leaves as I walk
a broken wake of fragment thoughts -
it's death for the first time
and sleep will cease to wake the second.

There's safety in numbers
I can't count much on that
so I'm counting my blessings
and I'm counting the cracks in the pavement

--

too much

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

the opening paragraph to my new novel...

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out.
"This is the fourth coat crushing this year," said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

apples and oranges, really.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

actually, it was my brother's house...

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the footpath in front of my house. And I thought, I am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of alfoil and paper bags.

cricket

I think the world is missing "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap onto the top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a duck and its babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Watch those ducks go! Also, Baby Duck Hat would be good for parties.