One answer is to move them to the Gold Coast and let the laws of nature run its course - just ask the Seagulls, Giants, Chargers, Crushers and the Titans. Another answer would be to move them to New Zealand. Another answer would be to move them to New Zealand and then fire their coach.
Which is kind of what has happened to the poor ol' Warriors. Former Kiwi representative (maybe even captain, I don't know, I couldn't be fucked looking at his Wikipedia site) Stephen Kearney has finally pushed the limits of New Zealand management's patience, and has been asked to join the queues at Centrelink after about thirty unsuccessful years of trying to get the Warriors to give a flying fuck about footy. It may come as a bit of a shock that the NZ coach wasn't an actual sack, so often was the phrase "Sack the Coach" offered through the football circles. Todd Payton has inherited the team, which is quite the achievement, considering that no one else even knew he was a coach in the first instance. Well done, Toddy. It's a win-win situation for any new coach coming in, as no one expects anything from a broken team anyway, so if they lose by 60 points this weekend, the punters will just say "well, at least they didn't lose by 80 like Kearney's team would have" and then they'll quoff their pints and smoke a pipe or something - for some reason, I always imagine the punters discussing the NRL to be like the first-class passengers on the Titanic.
Round 7
Penrith vs Souths
Well fuck me in the ear, it's a Thursday night game that doesn't involve the Broncos. Well done everyone. This should be a cracker, honestly; the Panthers proved me wrong last week by actually winning, and Souths are starting to put together some good performances too. Whether the Pennies can break the "beat the Storm and then fall on your arse the week after" syndrome currently going through the NRL quicker than a dose of Victorian-flu will be a deciding factor. The Bunnies should be on alert to look out for the "give the ball to Kikau" play that Penrith are possibly a bit too fond of using.Melbourne vs Warriors
Fun fact: the movie Two Weeks Notice is a romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, about a relationship between a boss and his employee, but the original script was about how long it actually takes Cameron Smith to get off a tackled player.Sydney Roosters vs St George Dragons
The Chooks are currently being mentioned as "the greatest team in the modern era" which is ironic considering St George are being called "the worst team of all-fucking-time". That's not irony. Take it up with Alanis Morrisette. It's also ironic that they perform a lot better without James Tedesco, who is currently being hailed as "the best player in the world" (I think that actually is irony), and I have a sneaky suspicion that he'll be rested from this game after being fucking annihilated last week, although if there's ever a player to flaunt concussion rules to buffer his stats against a low-ranking team, it's Teddy.Nth Queensland vs Newcastle
Whenever a coach loses his job in the NRL, it must send a few shockwaves right up the bumhole of every struggling team in the league, and Cowboys' honcho Paul Green must be feeling like he has worms right about now. Unfortunately it's not going to get any better for him as his hapless Cowboys come up against the Knights this weekend, who are just starting to prove their credentials, and the next five weeks see the Nerth Quernslenners take on the Eels, Roosters, Panthers, Manly and Raiders, so I wouldn't expect Greeny to stop grinding his arse on the living room rug any time soon.Brisbane vs Gold Coast
LOL @ QLD. All of them.Well, the under-fire Broncos have made a few necessary changes to their struggling outfit by... uh... dropping their fullback and goal-kicker, Jamayne Isaako. Well, that'll fucken fix everything, won't it? I mean, it's not like you need a goal kicker if you can't score tries to start with. Anthony Milford will no doubt prove his critics wrong by having a strong running game, which is really what you want against the perennial wooden spooners, instead of, you know, anyone else.
Parramatta vs Canberra woo
I just don't even know what to do anymore. I show nothing but love, and this... this is what I get back in return. I feel like the Raiders have gone from being the Mighty Ducks from the start of the first movie (fun fact: the first Mighty Ducks film was actually called "Champions"), to being the Ducks from the 2nd movie, and now they're the team from whichever movie it was where they got all cocky and were beaten by Iceland a lot. I think there was a fourth movie that dealt strangely with an application to keep the team together through a college fund, which is probably quite accurate about the next step in the inevitable Raiders evolution.Manly vs Cronulla
Manly played with passion, determination, skill, heart, fire, earth, wind, and summoned Captain Planet to bring them victory. It came at a price though, as Turbo Trbojevic sacrificed his hamstring, Dylan Walker offered his knee, and Brad Parker gave his beard to the great blue benevolent god. Cronulla haven't beaten the Sea Eagles in something like 30 generations, but with most of Manly out with latte-related injuries, this is their best bet. But they're shit, so they won't.Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers
Well, I guess someone has to win this one, and you can always count on the Tigers to knock off bottom-four teams. It's a chance for the Bulldogs' faithful to bid farewell to a true legend of the game and occasional Bulldogs player, James Graham, who managed to rack up 400+ first-grade games in the front row (fuck that for a joke), and was only involved in a handful of indiscretions; mainly involving biting Billy Slater (and who can blame him) - but my favourite was when he applied an entire tub of Vaseline to his legs before the game to make himself harder to tackle instead of, you know, running at a slight angle. |
| "Guys, do you think anyone will notice?" |
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