What a glorious week in rugby league – the NRL announced that seven teams will be wearing superhero-inspired outfits based on Marvel characters in the upcoming rounds. FUCK YES. The Raiders, Roosters, St George and Cowboys will be sprucing up their Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man and Thor uniforms, Manly have thankfully got rid of their weird Wolverine yellow bullshit from last year and have adapted a more maroon-themed DareDevil jersey, while the Knights and Tigers will be getting Spider-Man and War Machine.
It’s almost worth supporting the Knights to get a sweet-ass Spider-Man jersey. Almost.
Personally, I would have gone for Black Widow over the fairly obscure War Machine, and used George Rose as the model. If a big man in some tight leathers doesn’t scream “FUCKEN-FOOTY-YES-CUNTS” right in your face as you’re trying to buy a bucket of chips, nothing does.
In other"news", Geoff Toovey is rumoured to be leaving Manly. Again. One day this fucking rumour will be true and we can all be rid of the little fucking rat. I guess a broken clock is right twice a day, huh? Yeah. Philosophy, bitches.
In more recent and unexpected news: last week, Roosters and New Zealand international Shaun Kenny-Dowell was charged with a string of offences regarding domestic violence. This week, he has reportedly checked himself into hospital. I reckon the footy community can try and join the dots on that one to come to their own conclusion. Personally, I think it reeks of the MatthewNewton defense, aka the case of Guilty Minor Celebrity vs depression. Before being caught knocking his ex-girlfriend around (a lot), I doubt depression or self-harm or whatever he’s in the hospital for had ever crossed his mind. Amazing what being charged for assault and having your career and life tarnished forever will do to a person, huh? I am also aware that I could be eating my proverbial words if something much more serious comes from this, so I’ll just give a message to SKD from the NRL regarding his AVO and hope that he’s OK. With that many abbreviations, I could probably tweet it to him. Twice.
While I’m doing the controversial opinions thing, I also reckon that Bruce Jenner’s gender-whateverthefuck it is is a complete sham, and the world’s most extreme publicity stunt and grab for coin. Just as you thought Bruce Jenner’s name was worth dick as he divorced from Kris JennerKardashian and everyone reckoned he was a twat, welcome to motherfucking Caitlyn Jenner, who everyone seems to love, because basically it’s politically incorrect not to love him. FUCK. THAT. It’s still the same person, the same twat that we’ve always disliked, but now he’s wearing a dress and is on the cover of Vanity Fair instead of Men’s Health! It’s all a bunch of bullshit.
I also think that Daly Chery-Evans will not last his contract at Manly, Shane Watson’s Australian cricketing career is not over and the latest Avengers movie wasn’t that good. CONTROVERSY CORNER OVER.
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Brisbane Broncos vs Gold Coast Titans
The off-season cocaine drama has clearly taken its toll on the Titans, who are afraid to hold onto the ball in case they are charged with possession. Brisbane continue to roll on, just doing whatever they do. It’s especially surprising how well they do considering one of their strike players in Jack Reed.
Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters
Seems a bit odd that the Roosters get another bye this week… OH WAIT THEY DON’T THEY’RE JUST PLAYING THE TIGERS LOL . The only way the Tiges can avoid embarrassment will be to run every single play at James Moloney, who has the most missed tackles in the NRL (congrats, Jimmy) as well as being the most penalised player in the league. Funny that. Note: I didn’t say that the Tiges would win, I just said it wouldn’t be as embarrassing. The Chooks to get up after a “drama-filled” week by about 20.
New Zealand Warriors vs Manly Sea Eagles
There’s always one fucking game to ruin everything, isn’t there? Both teams have the ability to score a thousand or go for eighty minutes without ever making it to their last tackle. I’m going the Warriors, only because I don’t think they have it in them to put together two shithouse performances in a row, and also… Manly.
South Sydney Rabbits vs Newcastle Knights
If there’s a game for the Bunnies to truly get into the swing of things, this is it. A down-and-out Newcastle team is just prime to have a half-century put on them. I can almost foresee a Souths team that just tries that little bit too hard to be razzle-dazzle and ends up winning a fairly undisciplined game by 10. Either way, fuck Newcastle.
Melbourne Storm vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Here’s a fun game to play at home – see how many times St George can rack up a new set of six tackles 10 metres from the Storm line, and then find new and inventive ways to fuck it up. While I don’t think the Storm are the real deal, they’re looking too strong for the Dragons this week. And you know when Cooper Cronk looks too strong for anyone, there’s some serious trouble. I get the feeling Cronk’s the kind of grown man who would cry if he got stung by a bee. Partly because of the pain, and partly because he killed a bee.
Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders
The Raiders cost me a FULL ROUND last week, so they’d better fucking deliver this week. The age-old ploy of naming a halfback and then changing that halfback a minute before the game didn’t seem to work too well for the Raiders in last week’s controfuckingversial loss to the Sharks, so hopefully ol’ Sticky Stuart will have learnt about putting a halfback into a halfback role this week. Probably not though. In any case, can’t go past the Green Machine this week. It’s my Achilles heel, except for when they play someone good.
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Cronulla Sharks
Trent Hodkinson had a great game for the Dogs last week, answering his State of Origin critics… pity it was only against the Eels. Could be a different story this week, as Cronulla look to keep their season alive. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this game this week. It’s fucking stupid. Dogs. Always Dogs. Well, not always.
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels
The Eels have been mentioned in a couple of pretty weird headlines this week, in that they’re trying to pay halfback Chris Sandow not to play… Sandow reject this offer and instead went about deliberately missing tackles and getting himself suspended for an illegal shoulder charge last week. Yeah, it’s all fucking weird. The wheels have officially fallen off at Parramatta, and I read today that Sandow has signed with the Super League. So… have fun, Christopher. PS. Go Cowboys.