Friday, January 14, 2011

It's the start of the year as we know it

Happy New Year everyone! *streamers and sparklers and champagne corks*

Now that the dust has settled on the awesomeness that was 2010 (I honestly can’t remember a lot of it, but I have been assured that it was “an alright year”), we can look forward to having another “alright” year in 2011. Are we saying two-thousand-and-eleven yet, or are we still twenty-eleven-ing things up? Vote now.

Here’s what happened in 2010 : some guy made a website that spilled the beans on Bigfoot or something, some chick didn’t quite sail around the world but we all pretended that she did, they changed the actor who plays Declan on Neighbours, no one made jetpacks and someone tried to make me cry by saying that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had feathers and looked like a massive drag queen.

So what's in store for 2011? I have consulted Todd the Psychic Dinosaur and he reckons it's going to be a doozy.

Sees all and knows all

Here’s what we should look out for this year:

Music:
* Altiyan Childs will not earn enough money to buy himself a real name.
* Everyone will tell Coldplay to “cheer the fuck up.”
* Lady Gaga will admit that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing either.
* Aussie hip-hop stoner metal bands will flood the market.
* John Farnham will perform his farewell tour “Dumptruck of Money” to critical and financial acclaim.
* The number of bands who have cleverly taken their name from food wrappers, road signs and instruction manuals will rise.
* Barbershop Quartets will place highly on charts all over the world.
* Prince will remain silent, thus ensuring he is a “superstar” forever.

Lifestyle:
* One word: Robots
* The iPad 2 will be released and people will still be unsure as to what it does, but will definitely need to buy one.
* The word “douchenozzle” is going to be huge.
* Grandfather clocks will make a brief, but massive, comeback.
* People who bought a 3D television will be openly mocked and they’ll realise that spending $4,000 on a new telly just so they could watch Avatar was actually a bit stupid.
* The letter Q will begin appearing in bogan names, and add a nice aesthetic to the superfluous Y. For example, the name “Kate” will be spelt “Qayte.”.
* Viking helmets and beanies with flaps will be popular in winter.
* I will once again try to wear a scarf and not look really awkward.

Movies:
* I’ll pay another $18 to see a new Transformers movie, even thought I know it will be really, really shit. Even Shia LeBouef didn’t like the last one.
* Due to the success of The Social Network movie, films about MySpace, youTube, ticketek.com.au and mylifeistwilight.com will take over the cinema.
* The Hoyts cinema in Woden will be studied by palaeontologists as a ‘window into 1998.’
* Hollywood will flex its creative muscle and start producing more movies containing: superheroes, 80s tv shows, cartoon franchises, bestselling novels, vampires, wizards, talking animals, sequels, prequels, sidequels, remakes, relaunches, and reboots after people complain about all the original ideas polluting the theatres.

Celebrity:
* Justin Bieber will discover cocaine, and the world will rejoice as he chews his own face off on live television.
* The term ‘celebrity chef’ will be downgraded back to ‘chef’ after people realise that watching a dickhead prance around a kitchen yelling at a wok is actually a bit shit.
* Warney will deny rumours that he has a ‘sex addiction’ because it’s a made-up term. He just likes rooting.
* Oprah Winfrey will die of natural causes after a crowbar is found wedged into her head.
* Kim Kardashian will do… something.

Dinosaurs:
* Still extinct.

Happy New Year, douchenozzles!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

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zhang said...

Backstage, the Amex, Vogue, and CFDA team beamed with pride, as they sipped champagne and reveled in the show’s success. “No one’s jaded here. We’re connecting the brand with people that haven’t necessarily heard of them. This is where the card and fashion intersect,” said Igoe. The best part about the Moncler coatsshow? It stands apart from all the rest that will be viewed this week, because starting today, anyone, anywhere can go online and purchase any piece seen strutting down the runway last night. You know which card to use...

Anonymous said...

The Rebels will win the Super 15.

Mr Football

Anonymous said...

What's Todd Carney going to do?