Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Ashes, Ashes we all fall down

Sorry for the lack of updates lately; I’ve been growing a moustache and didn’t realise how much time it would take up.

I’m an excited little pirate right now, as it’s getting close to the beginning of the Ashes – according to my horoscope, it actually begins on Thursday. And they say that those things don’t work. Pfft.

Due to the untimely demise of Paul the Psychic Octopus, I am putting my faith in Todd the Psychic Dinosaur, an inflatable T-Rex who lives at my house to predict the outcome of this tremendous sporting series.

Todd sees all and knows all

Ponting is a girl and will once again show himself as Australia’s worst ever captain. He’ll also get caught hooking the ball a lot and will spend the majority of the Ashes looking confused and spitting on his hands. Top score of 47 and an average of considerably less.

Mitchell Johnson will struggle to make the ball land anywhere on the wicket. The word “unpredictable” should be used as a drinking game when listening to the Channel 9 commentary, and will lead to unprecedented levels of alcohol poisoning among Australian cricket fans.

Michael Clarke will continue to look like a 15 year old boy and will miss at least one Test match due to him having the body of an 87 year old crack addict.

Shane Watson will have that stupid, smug expression knocked off his stupid, smug face. He will also miss a Test match due to him sharing Michael Clarke’s 87 year old crack addict body.

Mike Hussey will force-feed his critics a piece of humble pie. Should get a nomination for Australian of the Year, get a Guernsey to host the Logies and will be romantically linked to Jennifer Aniston.

Marcus North will make a mockery of the Australian selection process by not scoring any runs, not taking wickets and dropping a lot of catches, but will keep his spot in the team, simply because no one really knows what he looks like, so they can’t tell him to stop turning up.

Brad Haddin will be at his fumbling, bumbling best behind the stumps, is only in the team because he has always been "the next Australian wicketkeeper" following Adam Gilchrist's retirement. He should probably pop over to Dirty Dirk Nannes' house with a case of beer as a 'thank you' for breaking Tim Paine's hand the other night, or he'd be watching the game on score updates like the rest of us.

Xavier Doherty will be under a spot of pressure; he’s stepping into the massive ballet shoes of Nathan Hauritz and making his debut against a team who aren’t being paid to lose. Could quite easily become Australia’s Dan Vettori, just not as good looking.

Simon Katich is awesome and will one day rule the galaxy with Mike Hussey.

Doug Bollinger will require more than a “hilarious” prankster personality to keep his spot in the team. I am also hilarious, and all my hair is my own so I am probably closer to securing a spot than Douggie.

Peter Siddle grew up wrestling crocodiles and using snakes for dental floss while lumberjacking his way through Victoria. It wasn't until he began his life as a professional cricketer that his body began to fail him. Won't take many wickets, but will succumb to injury before he gets dropped.

Steve Smith will keep being that short, chubby blonde kid who can’t bowl as well as that other short, chubby blonde kid, and we should all probably get over that and maybe even look at dark-haired leg spinners for a change.

Ben Hilfenhaus will kick himself that he wasn’t born in England so he could be part of a winning team.

Todd’s prediction: England win 2-1.

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