Wednesday, December 05, 2007

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There are so many great phrases in the Australian lexicon, like; "G'day no worries too right sheila blokey Warnie Boonie Merv," just to name one. "She'll be apples" and "git faaahked" are also useful in their versatility. And I'm sorry to my plethora of overseas readers, but you just can't get away with using our Aussie idioms if you don't have the beautiful drawl that comes from living this close to heaven.

But the single greatest phrase that can be uttered by... well... anyone, regardless of whether you're a sunburnt little dusty-faced dinki-di Aussie battler or Captain of the Sri Lankan Pudding Team, is "No offence, but..." It is basically the equivalent of a 'get out of jail free card'. It gives the speaker the right to bad-mouth anyone about anything, whether it's regarding their appearance, their lifestyle, their job, their personality, their dog, their obsession with cowboys, their choice of movie when you go to get a DVD, their toenails or their choice of capsicums or tomatoes on Ready Steady Cook. Simply prefix whatever you're thinking with "No offence, but", and let fly with the abuse.

Avoid this:
"Your hair looks shit."
"Fuck you, man."

by doing this:
"No offence, but your hair looks shit."
"I know, Stefan just hasn't been the same since his arm was bitten off by a rabid goat."

Here's a common scenario:
"I'm sleeping with your girlfriend."
"Fuck you, man."

Try this:
"No offence, but I'm sleeping with your girlfriend."
"Fuck you, man."
"Hey, I said 'no offence'."
"Oh. Right. Sorry."
"That's ok. Don't do it again though."
"I said I was sorry."
"Buy me a beer and we're even."
"Ok man."

If Hitler said "No offense, but I'm invading Poland," the world would be a very different place indeed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

No offence, but you suck!