Monday, August 13, 2007

Canberra's A-List of Evil Breakfastness

Canberra, being the thriving metropolis that it is, certainly does have its fair share of top-end celebrities. Move over Brad Pitt, whoever you are. Step aside, Bono, or whatever your name is. This is Canberra. And this is the Top 5 Canberra Celebs (in the order that I thought of them in).

5. The guy from the Magnet Mart ads.

“The challenge keeps us cheaper.” Beautiful.

The Magnet Mart guy lives and works somewhere in Canberra, betwixt Banks and Gungahlin. Being one of Canberra’s most well-known and well-loved celebrities certainly has its drawbacks, and he has become somewhat of a recluse, for fears of being mobbed by legions of screaming fans. When he does venture out of his solid gold mansion, Magnet Mart guy can be found in the Woden Plaza food court, trying as hard as he can to blend in with the rest of Canberra, with his suit and tie, freshly waxed bald head, and fluro sunnies resting on top. In a world first medical event, he had his sunglasses surgically attached to his head in early 2001.

Magnet Mart guy, apparently you’re a tool, but I still love you. In that way.


4. Anyone from WIN News.

Whenever there’s a groundbreaking story to cover in the ACT, these guys are onto it. Whether it’s a new statue being dedicated, or plans for a new statue, or a statue being vandalised, the WIN News team are there to make sure Canberra knows. Journalism at its highest, especially with the classic sign off, “If you have a story, email it to us at the address below.” Nice work.
I haven’t actually seen WIN News for about 400 years though. It’s not my fault The Simpsons is on at the same time.


3. The Canberra Cabs voice guy

This champion must be fighting off the ladies with a stick. And the blokes, too. Actually, anyone who’s ever met the guy will probably want a piece, just to make sure he’s dead. The Canberra Cabs voice guy is the most well-known and most-hated guy who’s ever graced Canhattan. Canvegas? Eh. For anyone who’s ever wanted to order a taxi at any time of the day or night, and has been greeted with this voice from Hades, knows that their phone has about 4 seconds to live before it’s crushed by involuntary hand spasms.
The quick syllables yet incredibly slow speech of the Canberra Cabs voice guy is just… uuugh I just spewed all over the keyboard just by thinking about it.. uuh.
Hllo. Wlcme. To. Can-berra. Cabs. If. Yew. Are. Wishing. To. Go. To. The. Airport. Say. Airport.

Seriously, the airport isn’t that great.

If. You. Are. Ready. Now…… Say. Ready.
“Ready.”
If. You. Would. Like. To. Make. A. Booking. For. The. Future. Say. Future.
“Ready.”
Pls. Say. Th. Name. Of. Yr. Pick. Up. Point.
“Your mum’s house.”
You. Sed. 14 Westham Crescent. Is. This. Corrct?
“No.”
Pls. Say. Yes. Or. No.
“No.”
Pls. Say. Th. Name. Of. Yr. Pick. Up. Point.
“Jolimont Centre.”
You. Sed. 14 Westham Crescent. Is. This. Corrct?
“Yes.”
Pls. Say. Yes. Or. No.
“Yes.”
I. Cannot. Under. Stand. You.
*click*

If I ever meet you, Canberra Cabs voice guy, I’m going to shake your hand and then rip it off and beat you with it. I don’t even think Westham Crescent exists.



2. Jackie Chan’s parents.

Now, these guys may or may not live in Canberra, I think it’s Queanbeyan actually, but in the true Aussie tradition of claiming people for our own when they’re clearly not from here at all, we’ll let our guard down and take in a couple of Quanger battlers. Rumour has it that they once owned a pub, or a club, or a restaurant or something (details are my life), but since I’m not sure where or what it actually is, I’ll just say it’s probably my most favourite place in the whole wide world. I’ll even go so far as to say it will either be the venue of my wedding, or my actual bride.
Jackie Chan is awesome, I don’t care what you say. Shanghai Noon will be remembered like Citizen Kane.


1. Prime Possum

Prime Possum (for those not in the know) is a 10 second filler for Channel 7, who appears at 7:30 each night to tell the little ones to go to bed. If you’re not from Canberra (you unlucky souls), you’ve probably got your own version. But ours is better.

Prime Possum lives high up in a tree.
Prime Possum, soft and cuddly.
Prime Possum loves every boy and girl.
So let’s help Prime Possum to make a better world.


He’s also usually accompanied by a young hottie who’s tired of being a stripper at Sinnies or a Canberra Raiders cheerleader (Canberra + Winter + short skirts and a mid-riff top = unhappy ‘dancers’), although for a while, Remy Broadway was his right-hand man. You may remember Remy from his work on ABC’s “The Late Show” as Piffy the Bellringer during possibly the greatest toilet break ever. He still has puffy sleeves.

So who is inside Prime Possum? Rumours are wild – the old Prime newsreaders; Tiny from Rods N’ Tackle; Robbo from Fyshwick.com.

I prefer to believe that Prime Possum really is a 6 foot possum, who does live high up in a tree, wears corporate t-shirts and pats children’s heads as they lay in bed. Awesome.

2 comments:

Mr Bootfall said...

Magnet Mart guy works in Woden, and in contrast to your contention, he is no recluse. He can usually be found at one of the zillion coffee shops now in Woden, the sunglasses on his head reflecting less than the baldness wax.

Mr Bootfall said...

Magnet Mart guy works in Woden, and in contrast to your contention, he is no recluse. He can usually be found at one of the zillion coffee shops now in Woden, the sunglasses on his head reflecting less than the baldness wax.