During the coronavirus break in this year's season, it was decided that to limit the risk of COVID transmission, the number of fun police (the referees) would be halved, and the two-ref system would be scrapped in favour of having just the one whistleblower on the field. Obviously it's the refs who are responsible for spreading the plague, not the 34 other blokes wrestling with each other in the mud.
The NRL also announced that they were pumping a couple of million dollars into improving the "Video Referee Bunker", which is basically just a fancy name for "video ref", who is invariably called on every six minutes to make sure that every player and their mums on every play in every game ever has adhered to the NRL rulebook, the Bible, the Quran, The Game, The Ring, and The HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Everyone thought that improving the video referee would be a good idea; let's get some fucking NASA technology, a continuum transfunctioner, and a flux capacitor to determine angles and velocity and a fucking slow-motion button.
In hindsight, $2 million does seem like a lot of money to spend on improving a plasma tv and a remote control, doesn't it? I bet the rest of the money went to ensuring that the Trbojevic breeding program continued, or the Jack Bird RoboCop rehabilitation centre or something.
And the improvements have not really been evident this year; the video ref still uses the same television replays that we had before, the same cameras and microphones, the same red and green buttons. The only discernible difference is the name "video ref" has been changed to "the bunker", which may have cost $500,000 on its own. The rest of the cash was probably spent on a comfy couch and a fooseball table, as well as those really expensive crackers that they have next to the deli at Coles and those dips that are like $5 each and are also pretty good.
$2 million and they still can't tell the difference between Josh Morris or Brett Morris. Fuck it, they can't even tell the difference between Maika Sivo and Junior Paulo.
Round 12:
St George Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
The Bunnies have been looking pretty good this year, until they actually get within sniffing distance of the tryline, and then they forget who they are and what they're doing. Don't be surprised to see Cody Walker start patting his pockets to try to work out where he put his car keys whenever they get close to scoring. Silly Cody, they're on the little side table next to the front door.
Wests Tigers vs NZ Warriors
The Kiwis shocked everyone by coming within a bee's dick of upsetting the Roosters last week. They didn't, but at least they came close. The Tigers are about to embark on a really testing leg of their season where they play the entire top-eight of the ladder in succession, so they will need some momentum, confidence and at least one hobbit from this game.
Brisbane Broncos vs Cronulla Sharks
Oh you Broncos. The best part of the NRL is their obsession with giving Brissy every fucking free-to-air game available, so we can watch their official decline into Shitsville (Logan) in real-time. The Sharks are specialists at playing well against the good sides and falling into a heap against the teams they are expected to beat. As a result, they will probably win by only 30 points.
Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans
The Titans will be full of confidence with a couple of mid-week high-profile signings. Unfortunately, they are for next year and it won't really mean anything for the current team. Sucked in, losers.
North Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO
The Raiders are flying high after some tough-as-fuck games in recent weeks, and despite a rising injury list, have seemingly righted their sinking ship. This will be a tough game, as they don't have a great track record against the Cowboys, especially in Queensland, but even more alarming is that they've named Curtis Scott in the team again.
Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers
Oh fuck I don't know. The Panthers have been playing okay recently, nothing to write home about though. "Dear mum, Hope you are well. We played footy tonight, it was ok. Love Nathan" Meanwhile, the Sea Eagles are providing up and downs like a yo yo on a bungee cord stapled to a see-saw. I'll tip the Choccy Soldiers, but only because I like the term "Choccy Soldiers" even though it's hardly relevant anymore. Choccy Soldiers.
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Parramatta Eels
The Bulldogs will be praying for rain again, as they showed up a rusty Knights team last weekend. This one could be played under water and I don't think it would make a difference though.
Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights
Should be a foregone conclusion based on recent form, ladder position, players, injuries, weather conditions, haircuts, tattoos, coaches, uniforms, mascots and facial hair. Cam Munster and Ryan Papenhauzen win most of those by themselves anyway.
It's always nice to hear an underdog story about overcoming the odds to succeed in life. This week, we have a double underdog story involving those lovable larrikins the Sydney Roosters and that down-on-his-luck scamp, Sonny Bill.
During the week, the English Super League announced that their very expensive foray into North American rugby league, the Toronto Wolfpack, was pulling out of the competition, citing travel issues, COVID isolation restrictions, and the fact that they really just couldn't be fucked playing this year. I can attest to that. I haven't got out of my tracky daks in about three months.
Usually the collapse of a competition on the other side of the planet doesn't really affect the NRL at all, but this one has opened up an opportunity for the former NRL players who had signed onto the Super League to rejoin the Australian competition. Normally we would welcome Josh McCrone home with open arms and a shotgun, but the player causing most of the ruckus so far is Sonny Bill Williams.
Sonny Bill was an elite player, back in the day. He is a fair fucking unit of a bloke, just quietly, and I probably wouldn't try to fight him unless I'd had about thirteen pints beforehand. He played for the Canterbury Bulldogs from 2004 til 2008, before fucking off to France to play a few seasons of kick & clap rugby union - obviously he was a great team player with pride in his jersey as he played for Toulon before heading back to New Zealand to play for Canterbury, then to the Crusaders, the Chiefs and a stint in Japanese rugby with the Panasonic Knights, before receiving a "handshake deal" and about sixty paper bags filled with money to rejoin the NRL and play for the Roosters in 2013. Then he fucked off again to play for Counties Manukau, back to the Chiefs, had a giggle in Rugby 7s, then signed on (for what it's worth) to the Blues, before he decided to add another twelve pools to his house with the Toronto deal.
Now he wants to come back, and fuck me drunk, the Roosters have announced that they have room in their salary cap to sign him for the second half of this season.
The Roosters. Room. Salary cap. Sonny Bill.
Announced. In. Sign. They. This.
Despite a roster with 12 out of 17 starting spots occupied by former or current representative players (with at least three others only missing out due to injury), the Roosters somehow have room to continue to sign the best players on the planet, which is lucky for the obviously-struggling club as they attempt a rare three-premiership-wins in a row this year.
We can only hope that the Sonny Bill deal goes ahead, he's about as shit as a 35-year old who's been playing union for the last decade in between beating up older, fatter guys as a heavyweight boxer, can possibly be.
Round 11
Parramatta Eels vs Wests Tigers
The Tigers went on Twitter to have a chatter about Ryan Matterson,
said "doesn't matter, son, we're not all that bitter, son,
you natter that the betting is much better at Parramatta." Now he's fitter and he's better, standing next to King Clint Gutherson.
North Queensland Cowboys vs Manly Sea Eagles
Coach Paul Green given his pink slip
and now he's looking kind of blue.
Caught red-handed, in black and white
Fed by silver spoon.
No rose-coloured glasses, or shades of grey
for the yellow-bellied Cows
True colours shine or white flags out for new coach Josh Hannay.
Brisbane Broncos vs Melbourne Storm
From a five year plan to a five game deal
To save the Broncos' game
He's switching 1s and 2s and 5s
But the results are all the same.
Can Siebold pluck a winner
from the mighty Melbourne Storm?
Fuck no. Not likely. Snowball's chance.
At least til Boyd is gone.
New Zealand Warriors vsSt George Dragons
Warriors are worriers there's no worries there to see
But there's worries that the Warriors can get worse from week to week
We wonder if the Warriors will worry any team
Or if the worst and waning Warriors will wake and Mary weep?
Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
No one gave the Raiders even a snifter of a chance
to win the weekend's rematch of last year's biggest dance
With Bateman gone and Hodgson's knee inverted on itself
The Green Machine gave everything & left nothing on the shelf.
This week's a different story, although the injury list keeps growing
Scott is out, the Horse no good, Oldfield's done a hamstring
So the men in green bring out a team that needs some introduction
Who's Kai O'Donnell, Tom Starling, not to mention Ryan Sutton?
A new backline with Semi Valemei and Smith-Shields in the game
In-form Jack Wighton, Jarrod Croker, and Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad coming of age,
The only reason I started this verse was so I could try the following line:
Valemei and CNK join up for a Semi-Charnze kind of life.
Newcastle Knights vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Well the Dogs look like they've wrapped up the spoon
with still half the year to go
It reminds me of the Knights' season
not even too long ago.
The Dogs seemed set to buck the trend
After pushing the Saints to the limits
But still lost last week in an unloseable way
only playing for 79 minutes.
The Knights will push to cement their spot
and the Bulldogs aren't much of a test
The Knights just need Ponga to fire again,
and to get Bradman back to his Best.
Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers
I'm envisaging a bloodbath
within the sacred C-bus lines
the best I think we can hope for
is to say that "at least Gold Coast tried."
"They played for eighty minutes
and played through the game with pride!
They played their fucken guts out."
Alas, the Gold Coast died.
Every so often, a player comes along who threatens to be "bigger than the game", and I'm not talking about George Rose or Dave Taylor. I mean players who are apparently so disgustingly talented that it's almost unfair for them to play against the other regular run-of-the-mill professional athletes involved in the game, and should be on a pay scale of a million billion dollars to keep them here to entertain us instead of going to some other planet to compete in an unnamed competition against other superheroes. Past NRL players who have worn the "Bigger than the Game" moniker include Greg Inglis and Jarryd Hayne, two outstanding individuals whose athleticism definitely stood the test of time and everyone really enjoyed having them around instead of deflecting meteors with Thor or something.
The latest demi-god to grace us with his presence for 80 minutes a week before heading off to ensure the safety of the universe is Brisbane forward David Fifita, who is currently in negotiations for the next few years of his contract, and is currently in line to become the highest paid player in the game at the age of 20. If Twitter is to be believed, and I'm not sure why anyone would doubt its 280 character-per-tweet wisdom, Fifi is looking to join the Gold Coast Titans for the 2021 season at the budget price of $1.25 million, before heading back to Brissy in 2022 to continue printing money.
Nice work if you can get it, David, especially considering that you haven't played a fucking game since Round 2. Round fucking Two. That's before the COVID break, and before he underwent knee surgery. It's one thing to be asking for more money than anyone else in the game, another thing to do it less than two seasons into your career, an entirely other thing to do before your 21st birthday, and a whole other kettle of fish to do it from your fucking hospital bed following knee surgery.
We can only hope that the Titans have learned their lesson from the last time they tried to get their suntan-lotion-covered hands on a player "bigger than the game" and will avoid paying a stupid amount for Fifita for just a 12-month contract. It's not enough time for the team to recruit players around him, for him to grasp the existing plays, learn the players names, find a new cocaine dealer, alert him to which bouncers you can and cannot punch on with (note: none of them, David), or find a house big enough to fit all of his dumptrucks full of money.
But if the Titans do sign him... well, there's about 15% of the salary cap right there in one player, receiving shit passes from Ash Taylor, getting shit offloads from Kevin Proctor, covering shit missed tackled from Bryce Cartwright & carrying shit Shannon Boyd around the field Weekend at Bernie's style. And then what? He fucks off back to Brisbane leaving a trail of money and a still-broken Titans team in his wake, who now have to replace their forward pack again.
The Gold Coast management should talk to the North Queensland Cowboys about how much of a fucking great investment Valentine Holmes was, as he limped back from (strangely) not being very good at American Football, despite putting in several hours on the Playstation, landing broken-ankle first in a swimming pool of hopes, dreams, money and a million NRL fans remembering "when Val Holmes was good for a year."
Players like Valentine Holmes, Hayne, maybe even Kalyn Ponga and Fifita is like when you think you really want something and then you buy it but it doesn't really do what you want it to and you feel a bit stupid for buying it in the first place so you just put it in the cupboard in the back room so your friends don't see it and ask you "why did you buy that expensive and flashy but ultimately useless item?" and it makes you feel bad for spending a lot of money on something that you realise you don't even like and possibly never did in the first place but you read somewhere that it was good and its value would definitely increase over time and soon everyone would want one but that never happened and you've only just realised that the article was an ad anyway.
In other news, we bid farewell to Dean Pay, who resigned as coach of the Canterbury Bulldogs this week. Dean went to the unprecedented lengths to support his team by undergoing several cosmetic surgeries to actually look more like a Bulldog. Unfortunately, losing to Brisbane was probably the nail in the coffin, and the Archbishop of Canterbury took Dean to the vet and put him out of his suffering once and for all. You were a good boy, Dean. You probably deserved better.
Who's a good boy, then? Not you, Dean.
Round 10
Sydney Roosters vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO
In good news for the Raiders, Curtis Scott has been ruled out of their squad with some kind of arm infection that I can only imagine is coronavirus-related, and therefore he should be set on fire and catapulted into the sun. In his place comes Semi Valemai, who I can only imagine was picked because of the success of the last bloke called Semi who played NRL.
I love my Green Machine, but I'm not sure if the Raiders are going to be able to match it with the Chooks for this one, and I think an 8-point defecit will blow out to at least 16 points in the last ten minutes.
Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans
Remember when the Titans beat the Storm back in 2017? What a mind fuck. But I think we can all be pretty confident that that won't happen again. This one might get pretty messy for the Goldies, I reckon. People may die. Lots of people.
Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos
If any team can keep the Broncos Shitwagon rolling, it's the Tiges, whose coach Madge "I just realised I don't actually know his real name, but it's probably Michael" McGuire has wielded the axe over the underperforming team and has beheaded halfback Luke Brooks to try to scare the shit out of the rest of the team to lift their game. Either that, or he's just deadset keen on ensuring that Wests finish 9th, as is tradition. The Broncos are all thanking their lucky stars over another round of margaritas and Winnie Blues that Madge isn't anywhere near Brisbane, or they'd all be fucked.
St George Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Well fuck me if the Drags didn't turn up last week. Let's see if they can make it two in a row against one of the worst teams in the comp (sorry Doggies). To put the Dogs' season in perspective, their leading try scorer for the year is Kieran Foran, with two.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Newcastle Knights
Oh fuck, I don't know. Every time I call Souths unconvincing, they unconvincingly win. Fuck it, I'm just going to go with Newy, despite them seeming to be a whole lot worse than I am giving them credit for.
Manly Sea Eagles vs Parramatta Eels
Last week didn't quite go to plan for Manly, unless their plan was to "roll around in their own shit for a while". What a debacle that was. Meanwhile, Parra flexed their defensive muscle, and snuck home for a sneaky win very sneakily indeed. I think they may be a bit more boisterous about it this week.
NZ Warriors vsCronulla Sharks
I'm tipping Cronulla, but let the record state that I am not happy about it.
Penrith Panthers vs North QLD Cowboys
Yeah nah, sorry Cows. This one is going to hurt, I'm afraid. Penrith are doing all the right things at the moment, like winning and stuff, whereas the Cowboys just aren't. Maybe they should try winning? I might write to Paul Green and let him know.
As we creep up on the mid-way point of the NRL season like Jayden Okunbor creeps around on high school girls' Instagram accounts, we can see a pretty clear divide between the Contenders, the Pretenders and the Fucken Useless Bunch of Overpaid Fucks Who Couldn't Fucken Win a Fucken Raffle Even If They'd Bought All the Fucken Tickets, the Stupid Fucks.
Despite not actually sitting on top of the premiership ladder currently, the Sydney Fucking Roosters sit on top of the "yeah, we'll probably win this thing again" list like the smug, cheating fucks that they are. I don't care how many times they have defended their playing roster, there is no fucking way on Brett Mullins' lime-green earth that a team can be so stacked with talent and remain compatible with salary cap restrictions. Boyd Cordner's personal CAT-scan team and James Tedesco's new teeth should account for at least 80% of that anyway. I haven't seen such blatant rorting of the system since the Raiders in the mid-90s. How good was that team, just quietly?
The Parramatta Eels were seen as a considerable force to be reckoned with (again) this year, but the difference is that so far they are actually living up to expectations. Despite having a team with no recognised superduper stars, they are working like a Swiss clock, but instead of keeping meticulous time through an intricate system of cogs, they're fucking destroying cunts all over the place. The only issue for the Eels' long-term success this year will be if Michael Jennings' dementia kicks in again and he reverts back to the useless fucking centre that we all know he really is; or if Jai Field has to go on Year 10 camp later in the year.
The Storm are always fucking there or thereabouts, aren't they? I'm actually getting a bit sick of complaining about them and their ongoing success, both on the field and their stranglehold over the Pacific islands, and it also makes them a formidable opponent in the NRL version of Guess Who?
"Is your mystery player a giant fuck-off Islander?" "Yes."
The Panthers are the surprise packet this year, and have managed to even surprise themselves to the tune of sitting pretty in second place, and receive my Big Brother nomination for eviction for "flying under the radar" and "not being themselves" and also "not being here for the right reasons." It's not often that a team with so little talent can find themselves doing so well, so congratulations to them. Despite their current position, I just can't see them following through in the second half of the year, which is both sad and completely expected and therefore really very satisfying indeed.
The Knights and the Raiders were both pegged for having big seasons, but Newcastle have proven themselves to be completely useless when faced with an opposition who are much, much worse than them, and Canberra seemingly entered the year with the expectation that everyone would just let them back into the Grand Final because they're lovable scamps. Unfortunately, a scamp is only lovable when you're not expecting them to do well, otherwise they turn into grubs and no one likes them anymore.
Souths, Manly, Cronulla and the Tigers are now just competing to be fodder for the first week of finals, with the Tigers most likely to miss out and finish 9th for a record 200th year straight. The Sea Chickens and the Guppies have been hit hard by injuries this year... again... and this will probably form the majority of their "why we didn't win again this year" response come September. Maybe if they stop recruiting players with osteoporosis, they'd do better. The Rabbitohs began the year with a decree of mediocrity that developed into ordinariness, and are likely to continue their plane of indifference and unremarkable performances until we completely forget they were even here in the first place. Latrell Who?
The bottom group of the Cowboys, Bulldogs, Titans, Warriors and Dragons are just there to piss off the better teams by having to play them for the next ten weeks or so. There's nothing like coming off a 40-point win against the Bulldogs in Round 16 with a good points differential and three players with ruptured ACLs and a dislocated shoulder. The only really interesting bit about the shit-tier teams is that they basically form their own little competition to try to avoid coming dead-fucking-last in a bid to escape collecting the dreaded Wooden Spoon.
Finally, we have the Broncos, who have attracted their fair share of media attention over the past few months due to their shambolic performances, terrible attitudes, lack of commitment, no cohesion, poor communication, shithouse efforts and, in turn, a complete absence of competition points. In the last twenty minutes of their games, the Broncos have scored a total of four points, and let in 84. That's actually a real stat and not one that I just made up, so I'm going to end this paragraph there so you know just how serious I am about the Broncos being just so fucking terrible at everything they do, including their jerseys and haircuts, which are also really bad. Look at Turpin, what the fuck do you ask for at the hairdressers to get that sort of shit?
The classic 'short front and sides' haircut taking prisons and Centrelink queues by storm
Round 9
North Queensland Cowboys vs Sydney Roosters
The only thing that could save the Cows this week is if the Chooks are so knackered from their hit out against the Storm last week that they won't be able to get up for another game. Unfortunately for the Queensland lads, they've had a whole week to recover, and if you can't play for 80 minutes a week later, you probably should be looking at a new profession that doesn't involve moving. My job, for example. It's actually pretty sweet.
Gold Coast Titans vs New Zealand Warriors
Buoyed by their unlikely win last week, is it too much to consider that the Warriors will take home another victory? Probably. It's also just as likely that the Titans will win, or both teams will lose, or a small dog will wander onto the field and neither team will be able to catch it, and then the small dog will be declared the winner.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Wests Tigers
The Tigers played with a whole lot of heart last week and came up empty-handed (except for Leilua, who still has Dylan Edwards' head in his possession), while the Bunnies played with no heart, no skill, no intensity and the very barest of effort and still managed to win quite convincingly on the scoreboard. I don't think they'll be able to get away with that two weeks in a row, so I'm gonna chalk this one up for the Kitty Cats.
Cronulla Sharks vs Penrith Panthers
You'll never believe what happened last week, guys - Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan both got injured. Why am I not surprised? I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die from not-surprise. The good news is that Shaun Johnson's face came through the game unscathed (phew). My tip is that Penrith will be too good, but just not as handsome, but when you have munters like James Tamou running around, you have to expect that.
Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs
For the sake of keeping the Broncos' losing streak going, I will continue to tip them. Brissy coach Anthony "Big Changes Are Coming" Siebold threatened to make "Big Changes" to the struggling team and then revealed that "No Changes" were actually made from the team that lost to New Zealand last week. So I guess that's something. Will this coaching masterstroke pay off? Only time will tell.
Canberra Raiders WOO vs Melbourne Storm
The mighty Green Machine limped home with a broken face last week and didn't prove a whole lot to anyone doubting their premiership credentials, while the Storm impressed with a hard-fought win in a very entertaining see-sawing match that was won and lost five times in the last ten minutes. This weekend is the first of four tough-as-fuck rounds for Canberra, after which they will be proudly stapled deep in the top four, dating supermodels with the Roosters, or fucked off to the bottom of the shit heap, swapping Tazos and smoking durries in the Maccas carpark with the Dragons.
Newcastle Knights vs Parramatta Eels
Phroar, how good were the Eels last week? Plenty fucken good, that's how. They put the Cowboys away without resorting to touch-football tactics and flashiness; they just stuck to their lines, ran effective patterns, supported the ball carrier, kept the ball away from Blake Ferguson and lobbed it to Maika Sivo whenever they wanted to watch Kyle Feldt shit himself on the field. Four times, for the record. The Knights scraped through against a determined Manly; they'll have to perform a lot better and pay the refs a lot more if they want to notch up a win here though.
St George Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles
There's nothing like ending the round with a game of dross nonsense, and so here we are. I have to give credit where it's due, and Des Hasler has done an amazing job at Manly for the last few seasons - he has dealt with off-field indiscretions, injuries, retirements, the fact that he's still at fucking Manly, that he's still rocking a mullet, and yet is still able to rile his team up for a match even when their season is looking a bit rocky. Credit also to his St George counterpart, and it's nice to see that Paul McGregor is still alive, allegedly.
Sick Boy: It's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.
Renton: What do you mean? Sick Boy: Well, at one time, you've got it, and then you lose it, and it's gone forever. All walks of life: George Best, for example. Had it, lost it. Or David Bowie, or Lou Reed... Renton: Lou Reed, some of his solo stuff's not bad. Sick Boy: No, it's not bad, but it's not great either. And in your heart you kind of know that although it sounds all right, it's actually just... shite. Renton: So who else? Sick Boy: Charlie Nicholas, David Niven, Malcolm McLaren, Elvis Presley... Renton: OK, OK, so what's the point you're trying to make? Sick Boy: All I'm trying to do, Mark, is help you understand that The Name of The Rose is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory. Renton: What about The Untouchables? Sick Boy: I don't rate that at all. Renton: Despite the Academy Award? Sick Boy: That means fuck all. The sympathy vote. Renton: Right. So we all get old and then we can't hack it anymore. Is that it? Sick Boy: Yeah. Renton: That's your theory? Sick Boy: Yeah. Beautifully fucking illustrated.
As we settle back in for another weekend of NRL action, this particular scene from the film Trainspotting comes to mind, as Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor, who is currently sitting at #4 on the list of "blokes I'd probably have sex with", just in case the question "who's a bloke that you reckon Mister Evil Breakfast would have sex with" comes up at your next trivia night), and Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller, who was actually married to Angelina Jolie at one point - put that in your brain for the next time you're at a trivia night and the question "who used to be married to Angelina Jolie and isn't Brad Pitt or Billie Bob Thornton?") (it helps if your local trivia nights have very specific questions, by the way), discuss the theory of diminishing relevance over time, right before they shoot a pitbull in the balls with a BB gun.
So let's have a look at the competition as it stands, and see who makes my Sick Boy list:
Bulldogs:
It's hard to "lose it" when you have never "had it" or even really know what "it" is anymore.
Broncos:
I could probably name all 13 players, if I had to be honest. Maybe except for that Haas bloke, cos he'd fucken thump me if he ever found me. The most obvious ones are Milford and Darius Boyd, and I'm not scared to lump shit on either of them because I don't think they could thump anyone anymore.
Warriors:
Poor Warriors. They've been kept away from their homes and families, lost their coach, have officially run out of players and are actually "borrowing" fringe first-graders from other teams until COVID restrictions are lifted, which means that I might even get a run with them, probably around week 12, I reckon.
Titans:
Oh Jesus, where to start? The Titans threw all of their cash at Ash Taylor a few years back, in the hope that he would develop into a player they could build a team around. That didn't work out the way they wanted (unless building a team of numpties was the intended result), so they threw some money at Bryce Cartwright, who suddenly forgot how to tackle. Then they picked Shannon Boyd, the biggest bloke they could find, whose only weaknesses were running and tackling, but that didn't work either. To sum up, the Titans management are probably to blame here.
St George:
The obvious target here is Ben Hunt, but I think most of the Dragons' problems are with Corey Norman, who must have pictures of coach Paul McGregor in fairly compromising positions. For all of our sakes, I hope he keeps them to himself. Mary's not in such good shape any more... but I'd probably rather have him playing than Norman.
Sharks:
Matt Moylan. Easy. Shaun Johnson is probably close, but he's way too attractive to blame for this mess (note: he doesn't make an appearance on my list of blokes I'd have sex with, but does get an honorable mention).
Cowboys:
Fucken coach Paul Green. The Cows have been in struggletown this year, and he seems pretty clueless about what to do about it, which is not really ideal for a coach.
Rabbitohs:
Last week, Latrell Mitchell put in a performance that had pundits everywhere wondering if he was underperforming so badly that ASADA wouldn't even bother checking his wee for peptides ("anyone who drops the ball six times in one game couldn't possibly be on drugs"), or calling for an investigation into his Sportsbet account (Latrell to drop the ball five or more times and make negative metres for his team was paying out handsomely, I would assume). Mitchell came into the game as a 19-year old prodigy - big, fast, strong; he could run, tackle, kick, pass, fend, block, catch, punch on, elbow, knee, kick, spit and get on the piss with the best of the league. Four years on, the perennial 19-year old is fumbling and bumbling his way into every "fuck, that guy should have been great" list that every bloke at the bar has.
Manly:
I don't hate Manly the way I should anymore, and it just feels wrong. So fuck Dylan Walker; it's not that he was even ever that good, or is even really that bad, I just fucken hate him.
Raiders:
We were afraid that when the season started and Charnze Nikoll-Klokstad cut off his dreads that his powers had also been chopped, but his last few games have been very much improved. Jordan Rapana gets to be on my shit-list this week, for being a deadset fucken grub, and has lost so much pace this year that he's probably on the "hey Warriors, you want this guy" list.
Tigers:
Well, according to coach Michael McGuire, Benji Marshall is as useless as tits on a bull, despite leading the Dally M competition at the time of his sacking. Benji has been shit in defense this year, granted, but no one seems to remember him being shit in defense for the past 17 years too.
Knights:
Mitchell Pearce strikes me as a bit of a dickhead, and I don't rate him much as a player either; I'm never convinced that the good things he does were actually deliberate, or if he's just really, really lucky.
Storm:
I forgot how many fucken teams there were when I started writing this, and I'm regretting it, but I couldn't be fucked deleting it and trying to find some other shit to write about this week. Fuck the Storm, all of them, and mainly Cameron Munster.
Roosters:
I have actually never really understood Boyd Coydner, which brings the number of Boyds in this list to three, I think. He just kind of ambles around the field, flopping on tackles and waving his arms around a bit.
Panthers:
Josh Mansour is a shadow of his former self, but we can blame Josh Dugan on that one. Is it weird that a player competing for Dugan's position on his first international representative tour had his leg snapped in half during a training drill? I don't need evidence, that man is guilty.
Parramatta:
Parra are doing really well this year, and are very solid across the board... Blake Ferguson is a standout for being a bit shit though, and his mistakes and grubby nonsense are exacerbated by the bigger, faster, better winger on the other side of the field. Sucked in, Fergo, you fucken hack.
Yeah get fucked, the lot of you
Round 8
Melbourne Storm vs Sydney Roosters
Both teams are missing some strike players, and the Chooks certainly did look shithouse when they had to do without a couple of their big hitters. The Storm are without Munster, which can only open up a few other playmaking options for them, the big fucken hog. I like the Storm here, based almost purely on my hatred for Cameron Munster.
Canberra Raiders woo vs St George Dragons
Canberra did their best to right their wonky ship last week, but still came second. The Dragons rallied against the defending premiers, but their gameplan of "hope that everyone playing against us gets injured" was only halfway successful. As long as the Raiders can keep their lollies in the pram, they'll come away easy winners this week.
Parramatta Eels vs North Queensland Cowboys
Can't go past a Parra win here, even without playmaker Mitch Moses, and despite the Cows getting a comprehensive win in last week. Note to self: come up with hilarious and witty observation before posting this hurriedly and most likely without reading it back to yourself.
Gold Coast Titans vs Cronulla Sharks
Well this game will be a thrillhouse from the first kick-off to the final siren. I'm tingling already. I'm imagining that both teams will wake up on Saturday and not want to go to work, and they'll call their coach and say, "yeah nah, not feeling great today, don't think I'll make it in" and the coach will be all "yeah nah, me either hey" and he'll call the ref and the ref will say, "yeah nah, don't worry about it, no one will notice" and they'll just put on highlights from the Australia vs West Indies cricket match from the 1992 World Cup instead, and everyone will be happy.
New Zealand Warriors vs Brisbane Broncos
Brisbane coach Anthony Siebold succumbed to growing pressure on his struggling team and has wielded the axe, by putting winger Corey Oates on the bench. Strong flex, Siebs. Obviously it's your left wing that is letting in 30 points a game. If it's possible for a team to finish with minus points, this is the game that will do it.
Wests Tigers vs Penrith Panthers
You know it's going to be a good game when the lead-up to the game is on what kind of band-aid Nathan Cleary is going to use on his gigantic head to cover up what Freddy Fittler could only describe as an "infection on his face".
Manly Sea Eagles vs Newcastle Knights
Newy will hopefully come back from last week's shock loss with a bit more vigor than they showed against the Cows, who exposed Mitchell Pearce's shitness and the Knights' over-reliance on Kalyn Ponga to do, well, pretty much everything. Manly got done over by the Sharkies last week, which I can only assume is a sign of things to come, at least until the paper-mache holding Tommy Turbo together dries.
Canterbury Bulldogs vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Sometimes, teams purely exist just so they can get another team back into form. The Bulldogs are that team right now. They are here just so the Rabbitohs' players can remember how to break tackles, take intercepts, throw offloads, score tries, smash people & win games. Thanks Doggies, you're doing great work.
There's nothing condescending about a 47 year old man telling you that you're not that shit after he puts 50 points on you.
What do you do with a sports team that has lost its ability to win; a group of professional athletes who, when put together on one field, perform as if they've never even seen the game before? They lose the ability to catch, pass, run, tackle, kick or even successfully cheat? One answer is to move them to the Gold Coast and let the laws of nature run its course - just ask the Seagulls, Giants, Chargers, Crushers and the Titans. Another answer would be to move them to New Zealand. Another answer would be to move them to New Zealand and then fire their coach. Which is kind of what has happened to the poor ol' Warriors. Former Kiwi representative (maybe even captain, I don't know, I couldn't be fucked looking at his Wikipedia site) Stephen Kearney has finally pushed the limits of New Zealand management's patience, and has been asked to join the queues at Centrelink after about thirty unsuccessful years of trying to get the Warriors to give a flying fuck about footy. It may come as a bit of a shock that the NZ coach wasn't an actual sack, so often was the phrase "Sack the Coach" offered through the football circles. Todd Payton has inherited the team, which is quite the achievement, considering that no one else even knew he was a coach in the first instance. Well done, Toddy. It's a win-win situation for any new coach coming in, as no one expects anything from a broken team anyway, so if they lose by 60 points this weekend, the punters will just say "well, at least they didn't lose by 80 like Kearney's team would have" and then they'll quoff their pints and smoke a pipe or something - for some reason, I always imagine the punters discussing the NRL to be like the first-class passengers on the Titanic.
Round 7
Penrith vs Souths
Well fuck me in the ear, it's a Thursday night game that doesn't involve the Broncos. Well done everyone. This should be a cracker, honestly; the Panthers proved me wrong last week by actually winning, and Souths are starting to put together some good performances too. Whether the Pennies can break the "beat the Storm and then fall on your arse the week after" syndrome currently going through the NRL quicker than a dose of Victorian-flu will be a deciding factor. The Bunnies should be on alert to look out for the "give the ball to Kikau" play that Penrith are possibly a bit too fond of using.
Melbourne vs Warriors
Fun fact: the movie Two Weeks Notice is a romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, about a relationship between a boss and his employee, but the original script was about how long it actually takes Cameron Smith to get off a tackled player.
Sydney Roosters vs St George Dragons
The Chooks are currently being mentioned as "the greatest team in the modern era" which is ironic considering St George are being called "the worst team of all-fucking-time". That's not irony. Take it up with Alanis Morrisette. It's also ironic that they perform a lot better without James Tedesco, who is currently being hailed as "the best player in the world" (I think that actually is irony), and I have a sneaky suspicion that he'll be rested from this game after being fucking annihilated last week, although if there's ever a player to flaunt concussion rules to buffer his stats against a low-ranking team, it's Teddy.
Nth Queensland vs Newcastle
Whenever a coach loses his job in the NRL, it must send a few shockwaves right up the bumhole of every struggling team in the league, and Cowboys' honcho Paul Green must be feeling like he has worms right about now. Unfortunately it's not going to get any better for him as his hapless Cowboys come up against the Knights this weekend, who are just starting to prove their credentials, and the next five weeks see the Nerth Quernslenners take on the Eels, Roosters, Panthers, Manly and Raiders, so I wouldn't expect Greeny to stop grinding his arse on the living room rug any time soon.
Brisbane vs Gold Coast
LOL @ QLD. All of them. Well, the under-fire Broncos have made a few necessary changes to their struggling outfit by... uh... dropping their fullback and goal-kicker, Jamayne Isaako. Well, that'll fucken fix everything, won't it? I mean, it's not like you need a goal kicker if you can't score tries to start with. Anthony Milford will no doubt prove his critics wrong by having a strong running game, which is really what you want against the perennial wooden spooners, instead of, you know, anyone else.
Parramatta vs Canberra woo
I just don't even know what to do anymore. I show nothing but love, and this... this is what I get back in return. I feel like the Raiders have gone from being the Mighty Ducks from the start of the first movie (fun fact: the first Mighty Ducks film was actually called "Champions"), to being the Ducks from the 2nd movie, and now they're the team from whichever movie it was where they got all cocky and were beaten by Iceland a lot. I think there was a fourth movie that dealt strangely with an application to keep the team together through a college fund, which is probably quite accurate about the next step in the inevitable Raiders evolution.
Manly vs Cronulla
Manly played with passion, determination, skill, heart, fire, earth, wind, and summoned Captain Planet to bring them victory. It came at a price though, as Turbo Trbojevic sacrificed his hamstring, Dylan Walker offered his knee, and Brad Parker gave his beard to the great blue benevolent god. Cronulla haven't beaten the Sea Eagles in something like 30 generations, but with most of Manly out with latte-related injuries, this is their best bet. But they're shit, so they won't.
Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers
Well, I guess someone has to win this one, and you can always count on the Tigers to knock off bottom-four teams. It's a chance for the Bulldogs' faithful to bid farewell to a true legend of the game and occasional Bulldogs player, James Graham, who managed to rack up 400+ first-grade games in the front row (fuck that for a joke), and was only involved in a handful of indiscretions; mainly involving biting Billy Slater (and who can blame him) - but my favourite was when he applied an entire tub of Vaseline to his legs before the game to make himself harder to tackle instead of, you know, running at a slight angle.
It's rare in sport that the referee actually gets anything right, and it doesn't even matter what sport it is - they are undeniably a group of the most incorrect, mistaken, blind, stupid, cheating, biased, bribed, useless, shitfuck, dickheaded arse-for-brains bunch of fucken prick-wanker fucktards that even Todd Carney wouldn't piss on (he would) if he'd set them on fire (he would).
On very rare occasions though, they get something right. And in this case, it's a change in the rules to the NRL.
In order to stop cheating teams like Melbourne from cheating so obviously by slowing the game down so old man Cameron Smith could keep up with the play, instead of awarding a penalty, it was decided that a "ruck infringement" would instead just nullify the tackle count to the attacking team, and play would continue.
To put it in context, if James Tedesco makes a break (which he does) and gets tackled (occasionally) by Cameron Munster (illegally, most likely), Munny used to be able to lie around on top of Teddy like a fucken horny lazy walrus until his team could recover their defensive positions for the next play. On occasion, the ref would say "oi Munster, that's too long (that's what she said)," and he'd blow a penalty to the Roosters. Meanwhile, Cam Smith would stop there and discuss with the ref about how Boyd Cordner did exactly the same thing about ten minutes ago, not only that, but how can you tell the Morris twins apart, and what do you think you'll have for dinner tonight? The game has, in essence, completely stopped while old man Smith complains to the ref about how his grandkids don't visit any more.
The new rule means that the game doesn't stop, so the defending team can't have a quick rest and Smith can't distract the ref about why Dire Straits was the last great rock n roll band. The ref doesn't even give a reason for the restarted tackle count; he just rings an air raid siren, which probably gives Smith a few flashbacks. NRL teams being NRL teams, have found ways to try and bend the rule, by being dickheads early on in the tackle count so a restart is only another extra few defensive plays. I would counter this by making each restart cumulative; so if it's only the second tackle and you get another set, you should have ten tackles. Another infringement on the third, and you've got yourself thirteen tackles.... and fuck, I've just invented rugby union. Never mind, forget this entire thing. Stupid refs.
An intriguing weekend of football awaits us.
Round 6
Newcastle vs Broncos
The Broncos dared to show a smidge of promise last week, until a couple of questionable refereeing decisions and some trademark shithouse Brisbane play quashed the hopes and dreams of the Queensland faithful in the most beautiful, perfect way possible.
Souths vs Warriors
The Warriors could spring an upset with this game; on their day, they have the firepower and unpredictability to knock off any team in the league. Of course, on its day, a rhino could come to my house and become my crime-fighting best friend too. With Souths star recruit Latrell Mitchell starting to cash his hefty pay-cheque (imagine getting paid by cheque though, seriously), it's unlikely that the Warriors or Igby the Rhino are going to do much of anything this weekend.
Penrith vs Storm
I'm not rating the Panthers' chances here. They don't trouble too many teams over 80 minutes; they've failed to defend a 10-point lead twice already this year, and looked very unconvincing in going down to a pretty ordinary Parramatta side last week. Halfback Nathan Cleary complained that he was being sledged over his viral TikTok video. He fucking complained. About being sledged. Because TikTok. Let that sink in for just a moment, while the rest of the world contemplates things that actually merit worrying about.
Gold Coast vs Dragons
I have a son who is almost three years old. I'm going to record this game for him, so that when he comes to me when he's fifteen and announces that he isn't going to finish school and wants to play NRL instead, I'm going to show him this game and say "this is what happens to all the kids who thought they could play NRL for a living." I figure that will scare him into straight A's and he'll graduate top of his school, get a degree, play professional footy for a bit and then take over captaincy of the Australian Cricket Team before he wins the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature.
Tigers vs Cowboys
This game is like the orange snakes of the Allens Assorted Lolly Bag - no one goes specifically looking for an orange snake, but when you pull one out (with spearmint teeth), you're pretty indifferent about the situation.
Roosters vs Eels
The Roosters are looking shit-hot after last week, but let's not suck them off just yet - they were only playing the Bulldogs. In any case, this game will be a good chance to see how both teams are actually traveling this year - I reckon the Eels are going to get done, but will come back a better team for it, and sometimes, self-improvement is all we can really ask for.
Raiders WOO FUCK YEAH GO RAIDERS vs Manly
The Raiders were actually a smidge lucky to get away with a win last week (we'll still take it though), and will need to play a whole metric fuck-ton better against Manly this round, who always manage to lift to another level against the Green Machine, like the fucken pricks that they are. It will be interesting to see if Curtis Scott tries to punch on with Dylan Walker again, which is about as interesting and useful as Curtis Scott gets these days; not sure what the Raiders paid for him, but I hope he's still under warranty.
Cronulla vs Bulldogs
I have a daughter who is 1 year old. I am going to record this game for when she comes to me when she is fifteen and announces that she thinks NRL players are hot. I will show her this game and ask "are they still hot now?" while they run around shitting themselves on the field, laughing about it, dribbling spit down their chins and wiping snot bubbles on their matted arm hair. After that, she will probably move to a cave in the Himalayas just to ensure that the chances of her meeting someone involved in any way with this game are at an absolute minimum.
Jack Wighton is a peg leg and a hook away from going full-pirate.
There are few things quite as beautiful in the rugby league world as a team getting thoroughly tonked every week; usually we can rely on the Titans to bring us our share of shellackings, or the Warriors to instantaneously forget what football is, or the Knights to provide us with some Benny-Hill-style buffoonery - but we are currently in that rare realm of the cosmos where the most shithouse team is the Brisbane Broncos, and my god it's brilliant.
In the last two weeks, the Ponies have given up close to a trillion points as they struggle to cope with a faster-paced game, the retirement of some club stalwarts, the non-retirement of Darius Fucking Boyd, some shithouse new recruits, and a coach who looks like he's handing out Happy Meal vouchers after every game, and ensuring that the players all know that "they did their best" and "he's proud of them regardless" and "it's just good to see them getting outside."
Traditionally, the Broncos have had their roster filled with players with 300 games of experience; the kinds of guys you could trust to elbow a bloke in the back of the head, or break their nose with a raised forearm. Unfortunately for the Horsies, those players have all retired or been arrested.
Last week, the Bronx opted to fill the void of experience by bringing in a host of players that were found wagging Maths in fourth period, which strangely did not reap great rewards against the Roosters. This week, coach Siebold has moved away from his "well, I fucken tried that idea once" tactic and has selected Ben Te'o to bolster his team. Te'o brings with him a swathe of experience, having entered the NRL in 2007. He played Origin, has represented Samoa, is a fair unit, has had domestic violence charges - everything looks perfect. EXCEPT HE HASN'T PLAYED IN 6 YEARS.
How the fuck did that decision ever come around?
"Hey Anthony, last week's performance really wasn't quite up to par."
"I know, CEO of the Broncos, but we're preparing really well for Round 5."
"Fantastic. We're talking recruitment, right?"
"You bet."
"Great, we're on the same page. There's a couple of young centres coming through the QRL that I'd like to get a look at; of course, that would mean we'd have to fuck Darius off - which would free up $800,000 of our salary cap and get rid of a gaping hole in the defensive line, as well as offer something in attack--"
"Te'o."
"..."
"Te'o."
"Anthony, it's 2020. I hate having to remind you of that three times a week."
"Te'o."
"..."
"Te'o."
"If I say yes, will you leave at the end of the season?"
"Te'o."
"Fuck it, good enough. Start packing your shit though."
For $99, you too could own a repainted Josh Reynolds doll. Jarrod Croker would be rolling in his grave. You know, if he was dead. But he's not. As far as I know.
Round 5
Manly vs Broncos
Manly will be missing the likes of Jorge Tafua and Curtis Sironen in their lineup tonight, so will probably only win by 40. I think I've shit on the Broncos enough for one day.
Warriors vs Cowboys
The Cowboys will be doing something that they haven't tried in about twelve seasons; bringing in a new player. Young gun Hamiso Tabui-Fidow makes his debut on the wing as a threat to the "fastest man in league" moniker, as well as giving Erin Molan an anxiety attack.
Parramatta vs Penrith
FUN FACT: Both teams are undefeated this year, but Penrith don't really count because they had a draw and it's basically the same as a loss. Nathan Cleary returns from his ban for dancing like a twat on social media, and I understand that as punishment he also had his MySpace account shut down.
Souths vs Titans
NRL Tipping 102: Keep betting against the Titans, last week was a fluke.
Newcastle vs Storm
Here's a drinking game to keep you entertained: every time one of the Channel 9 commentators says "oh that's very unMelbourne-like" whenever Melbourne do something typically Melbourne-like, such as Cameron Munster being a grubby fuck, or the Storm #6 opts to run instead of pass, or the five-eighth comes out of his line and misses a tackle, or he drops the ball or gets sin-binned twice in a grand final.
The Knights will be looking to keep their giant-slaying form going, all on the back of gun centre Bradman Best, whose parents took a massive fucking gamble when they named him.
Tigers vs Canberra woo go Raiders woo
The Raiders were so keen to get rid of their "Faders" tag by not even competing last week. They come up against their proverbial bunnies, ironically not South Sydney, for round 5. Known niggler (and you know I had to spell check that a thousand times) Curtis Scott comes up against known hot-head and serial grub BJ Leilua; if Scott hasn't had his face ripped off by a very angry Samoan by the twelfth minute, I'll give up Raiders Lime for an entire day.
Bulldogs vs Roosters
Fuck, it's an easy little trot for the Chooks lately, huh? First the Borncos and now the Doggies. For those missing cricket at the moment, keep an eye on this score, which is likely to be 0-62.
St George vs Cronulla
LOL @ StGeorge, amirite.
I'm right, alright. The Dragons haven't managed to cross the stripe in two games, which sounds like even more when you say 160 minutes of football, which sounds a lot worse if you add in the time off since Round 2 ended and say "since 20 March." Stupid Dragons.
The coronavirus quarantining rules have affected our daily lives in ways that I don't think anyone had anticipated; there was that weird toilet paper shortage between April and May, the "I can bake my own fucking bread thank you very much" trend, and the "argh I don't have a job anymore" issue. Of course, there was also the "oh look, we can use our leftover masks from the bushfires last month" fad and the "argh I'm seriously dying" craze that swept the country for a while. In between using single socks to wipe our asses and disinfecting individual Rice Bubbles before eating them, we also lost the ability to leave the house to do pretty much anything - go to the pub, go to the movies, go shopping, and most importantly, go to the footy to yell abuse at Josh Dugan, as everything closed down, including stadiums. The Roosters reported no difference to their playing experience, with captain Boyd Cordner noting that "the atmosphere was electric", and he thanked the crowd for coming out by signing an autograph for coach Trent Robinson, and posing for several selfies with halfback Luke Keary and the Morris twins.
The NRL took their social distancing and cleanliness measures pretty seriously; the Titans' defense refused to go within 1.5metres of anyone, the Burgess brothers finally had an excuse as to why they handled the football like a wet bar of soap, and the Broncos finally had a reason not to accept the invitation to Darius Boyd's Tupperware parties. Souths' supporters' teeth finally felt like they were doing the right thing.
With no crowds available to fill Latrell Mitchell's pockets, the NRL had to look elsewhere for revenue, and have opened up the empty stadiums to the supporters of the game to fill with life-sized cardboard cut-outs - all for the low-low price of $22. Unfortunately, St George coach Paul McGregor misread the memo and instead opted to fill his team with cardboard cut outs for the opening three rounds. The under-fire coach has reportedly been given a three-game timeframe in which to turn the Dragons' season around, with former Sharks mentor and part-time drug pusher Shane Flanagan ready to step into the role. If that happens, look for a late run for the Red V to make a push for the finals, win Ninja Warrior and rob a servo.
And the crowd goes mild
Round 4
Broncos vs Roosters
The Broncos have not looked great this season, which warms the cockles of my heart like you wouldn't believe. They have opted to put in the youngest team in premiership history to take on the experience of the Roosters tonight, and let's hope (for once) that the Chooks put them through the ringer and destroy their confidence, careers, prospects and any chance of reproducing for years into the future. Just saying.
Panthers vs Warriors
Everyone loves an underdog story, and the Warriors are about as underdog as you could possibly be, without actually being... um... a dog... that's, you know, under... I guess. We all wish our Kiwi cousins the best, but we also secretly hope that they lose, but maybe only by a couple.
Storm vs Rabbitohs
If the Storm looked underdone last week, it's fair to say that the Rabbits looked raw as fuck, and if someone served me that in a restaurant, I'd probably send it back. Unless it was a sushi restaurant and someone explained to me that it was meant to be raw, in which case I'd probably order something else.
Eels vs Manly
A lot of experts (aka people who are not me) are tipping the Eels to challenge the premiership this year, but I think the dirty Sea Eagles are a dark horse - not literally of course, I know what a fucking eagle looks like, and I know they are very different to horses. I'm tipping an upset, and when it comes to picking Manly to win, you know I'm very, very serious.
Cowboys vs Sharks
Christ, I don't fucking know. Or particularly care, to be honest. It might be mildly interesting to see how Valentine Holmes is treated by his ex-teammates, but I'm imagining it to be how all inmates react when they see someone they know. I'm tipping Sharks, but that depends on Matt Moylan injuring himself early in the game, or during warm-up.
Raiders vs Knights
Go you Raiders. Fuck yeah. And it seems like we'll have to do it all without John Bateman, whose head is in Canberra, heart is in Wigan, wallet is in Bankstown, and a shoulder coming in from Taiwan any day now. Kaylyn "Pretty Sure I Misspelled That" Ponga is back from suspension, and carries on his scrawny little shoulders the hopes and dreams of the Novacastrians. Here's hoping we fucken crush em like ants.
Titans vs Tigers
Tipping NRL 2020, lesson #1: Tip against the Titans at all times.
Bulldogs vs Dragons
This is what we get for having two public holidays in a row. They said life wasn't meant to be easy, and this game is living proof. What a sad state of affairs. Go Dogs, but only because I fucken hate the Dragons right now, and I have a minor crush on Lachlan Lewis. I know all he can do is put up bombs, but he just does it so relatively adequately that I can't help but admire him. Sportsbet have got Kieran Foran shattering his pelvis before halftime at $8, which I just can't go past.
Hi everyone, Mister Evil Breakfast is back to cover all
things NRL – sorry I missed a few games; I was taking a relaxing cruise (thanks
to my sponsors at the Ruby Princess) following a bat tasting / sex tour (you know
how those things go) of China. I came back
feeling a bit off, to be honest, but I didn’t want to let a little bit of a
cold get in the way of my hectic social life, so I made sure that I went out to
see people every day; the worse I felt, the more people I visited.
I feel much better now, especially after I went to see Bryce
Cartwright’s doctor wife for some medical advice, followed by Bronson
Xerri’s doctor for a booster shot.After
a quick jog around the earth and bench-pressing Anthony Milford after his 11am
Maccas run, I feel great.
Bit fucken good to have the NRL back again, innit?It’s kind of strange to feel like Phil Gould
on Origin night when it’s actually just the opening of Round 3, but after a tough
isolation period (right, Nathan Cleary?), we will take whatever we can get.
As I have only just remembered my blog password (note to
self: it’s latrellmitchell19$10m)
and I deadset thought the footy started tomorrow, I’d better crack on with some
predictions.
NRL Round 3 2020
Broncos vs Parramattas
My mind is fuzzy (I visited Josh Dugan on the weekend), but
I’m pretty sure the last time these teams met, the Broncos were on the wrong
end of a 58-point shemozzle.Here’s
hoping that the Eels pick up from where they left off, because sometimes it’s
just nice to read online comments from irate inbred Queenslanders when they lose
terribly.
Cowboys vs Tits
Speaking of inbred Queenslanders, this game should be banned
before it starts COVID-20.With reports
that Bryce Cartwright will not be playing (due to polio, possibly), the Cowboys
are going to have to find a whole new defensive lapse in the Gold Coast
armour.Normally that wouldn’t take
long, but you can’t really give North QLD too much credit.
Roosters vs Rabbitohs
Finally, a game that is worth watching… on paper.But since it’s the Roosters, they’ll just
slow the whole fucking game down, wrestle, complain, cheat, bribe and
ultimately most likely notch up their first win of the season.
Warriors vs Dragons
Fuck, NRL, is this your idea of a “welcome back” party?I feel sorry for the Warriors, who somehow
managed to injure their entire starting line-up during the break.For those unaware of how breaks work, it
would be like failing the following school year during the Christmas
holiday.Sometimes I think I’d like to
go to New Zealand, but then I look at their footy team and just stay at home.
Sharks vs Tigers
OHMYGOD the Sharks have been hit with another drug cheating
scandal.Fuck me drunk, who would have
ever guessed that would happen?It’s
just unheard of, if it was 2016.Here’s
hoping that they all get caught in 13 unrelated incidents on the way to the
game and they have to call it off and send the Sharkies to Perth, or Wuhan or whichever one is more likely to kill off a franchise quicker.
Storm vs Raiders go fucking Raiders woo
AW YEAH go you fucken Raiders.After having a slanging match with a journo
in which only half of the words were misspelled, the Raiders’ John Bateman will
be keen to prove that his heart lies in Canberra.It would also be nice for the other players
to prove that too.All eyes will be on
Curtis Scott as he lines up against his old team.And I mean old, like Cam Smith was mates with Noah, which is how he knows so
much about boats.
Panthers vs Knights
This one is straight from the “who gives a fuck” vault, and
the answer is “not me.”
Manly vs Doggies
Oh Jesus, why do you do this to me?On one hand, fuck Manly.But then, fuck the Doggies too.
This week, the world woke up to the news that Prince Harry and his missus, model-slash-actor-slash Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle, have decided to "stand down" from royal duties and will instead opt to become "financially independent" and split their time between doing sweet fuck all in England and doing even fucking less in North America.
Obviously this has created quite the panic around the globe, as we try to get used to the idea of a guy who was previously paid millions of pounds to not do anything, who is now going to do nothing and not get paid for it. Personally, I think it's a good thing, as it means I am ever-so-slightly closer to being next in line for the throne; all I really need is a World War to break out exclusively in London, and I'll be posing for my royal portrait by the time My Kitchen Rules is over.
Harry and Meghan's decision to relinquish their duties breaks with royal tradition, I get that. But what exactly has royal tradition brought the world, other than generations of inbreeding and a shit-tin of ponce and ceremony? If we'd stuck with tradition, Henry VIII would probably still be chopping his wives' heads off - instead, ol' Hank 8 created a new religion in which divorce was legal. I'm sure when this was suggested, the Axe and Guillotine Makers Union had a field day in the press too.
This may even start some kind of precedent which forces the stuffy old royal-born paedophiles and lizard-people, and all the other balding ugly buck-toothed swamp donkeys in the palace to safely remove their polo mallets from their silver-lined arseholes and become functioning members of society.
Thanks for your service, Prince Harry. I'll never forget all those times that you did something, which was probably watching a World Cup final for free.
Australia’s
favourite secret shame of free-to-air television viewing has returned for
another season of poorly-scripted reality drama and Instagram models looking for a
call-up to the next season of Dancing with the Stars.
I figured that
I am ready to “find love” and go on “a journey” because I “deserve to be happy”
and I’m sick of “dating” like a “normal person”, so I decided to apply to
Married At First Sight to partake in this amazing “social experiment” that is
in no way like putting a bunch of roosters in a box and watching them
disembowel each other.
Here is my
ACTUAL application for the show.I
watched the first episode last night, so I don’t think I was successful.
I apologise for any formatting fuck-ups, it's a pretty long application and they use different fonts and settings for it, so it really doesn't translate too well here.
Are you single and looking for the love of your life?
No.Wait, I mean yes.Yes. I am very
interested in finding my keys… I mean love LOVE LOVE.I am very interested in finding love.
Are you tired of swiping left in bars and want to find your perfect
match?
You don’t swipe left in bars. I think you’ve mixed up “going outside” with “not
going outside”.
Do you know of someone who deserves a partner to fulfill their dreams?
I thought this was meant to be about me. Also, do you know how to spell “fulfil”? You don’t, by the way.
Are you ready to put your heart on the line and settle down?
Not at all, but I don’t think that’s what
you’re looking for either.
Married
at First Sight is searching for men and women of ALL ages and backgrounds
and diversity who are genuinely ready to commit to love. This groundbreaking
social experiment is returning and will continue to help Australian singles
find their potential lifelong partner using the science of matchmaking.
The term "science of matchmaking" might just be a little bit misleading, but I am not proficient in the "science of using the word 'science' to make idiots think this is real".
There’s just one
catch.......you’ll meet for the first time on your wedding day. Yes, I am aware of that. It's in the title of your show.
This is not a
competition and there is no cash prize. Oh. In that case, could I borrow $20? This is a once in
a lifetime opportunity to find LOVE. It's not though, is it?
What is your height in
Centimetres ** It is important you measure yourself for an accurate reading**
Thank you, I
understand how measuring something is the most accurate way of getting an
accurate reading. I’m assuming that the
bar for this show isn’t being set that high.
I appreciate how exact height measurements is important when it comes to
pretending to be married to someone.
When I was at uni,
there was this one time my friend and I were waiting for a class to start, and he pulls a tape measure out of his bag – I think it was like one that
you get in a pack of condoms.To pass
the time, we started taking bets on how big things were – like the length of
the desk, wrist circumference, etc. For
a long time, we would estimate the height of stuff, like "How tall do you
think that mailbox is?" and we'd have a guess then we’d measure it (with a real tape
measure).We used to keep a tally going
for years. I was winning at last count, so I'm pretty good at measuring with my eyes.
What is your weight
(in KGs)?
About 75kgs
actually. There's no joke or story behind this, it's just what I weigh.
Tell us about your
upbringing and relationship with your parents.
We moved around a
lot – I guess that was typical of a family of surfing bank robbers on the run
from the FBI. My dad was pretty strict;
he was a police officer who threatened to send me to military
school if I failed my history class. I
was able to pass thanks to the help of some friends and a magical
time-travelling phone booth. I wish I
had that same phone booth when I thwarted a crazy guy from blowing up a busload
of passengers, boy that would have made it easier! Later, I would live in a different universe
to a girl I met on that bus, and we’d send postcards to each other in the same
house.
What did your
parents teach you about love?
My parents believed that children are the future.“Teach them well and let them lead the way.”
They showed them all the beauty they possessed inside & gave them a sense
of pride to make it easier.I let the
children's laughter remind me how I used to be.Everybody’s searching for a hero; people need someone to look up to - I
never found anyone to fulfil my needs.It was a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me.I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's
shadows; if I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe.No matter what they take from me, they can't
take away my dignity.
Because the greatest love of all is happening to me.I found the greatest love of all inside of me.The greatest love of all is easy to achieve;
learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
What will be your
parent’s reaction to you being on MAFS? Will they be supportive or against the
idea?
Probably against it,
to be honest. I reckon my mum will actually
try to run me over.
Who do you live
with?
My wife No one.
How would your
friends describe you?
Hilarious; the
funniest guy in the world. Also the most handsome and athletic and dresses
really well and is super rich.
What would your
family say are your worst character traits?
Lying, narcissism.
What are you
passionate about, tell us about your hobbies and life interests.
Spear fishing.It’s seriously all I can think about some
days.Just standing there, poised at the
edge of the water with my spear and trying not. to. make. any. movement so I
don’t scare away the fish.It is quite
cathartic for me, to put myself into a kind of meditative frame of mind for so
long just standing there with my spear gun.Apparently the lifeguard at the pool didn’t find it quite as calming,
nor did the mothers of the swim school.
List three things
about yourself that are interesting or unexpected.
1. I still actively use my Yahoo mail address.
2.I do my crosswords with a motherfucking pen,
because fuck you, that’s why.Also, I
can never find a pencil.
3.It took me three attempts to watch that XXX movie
with Vin Diesel in it because I kept falling asleep during it.I still don’t think I’ve seen it all, but
that’s ok because I don’t think it’s actually a very good film.
What is your
greatest regret / biggest mistake in life?
Undertaking this
application is probably right up there.
What do you love to
do in your spare time?
I’m a fairly simple
guy, I like to keep in shape and eat healthily, but still find time to meet up
with friends for a frosty beverage or to watch movies, read books and listen to
music.Life be too short not to enjoy
thar simple things in loife, lest ye be walkin’ the plank wi’ Davy Jones n
tharother landlubbin scurvy scoundrel.
I also enjoy
pirating.
Talk me through your
perfect Saturday night.
Why, are you
free? My Saturday nights usually involve a whole lot of lube and a bottle of wine.
Are you someone who
embraces change or do you prefer security within your comfort zones?
Let’s just say that
the other day I drank milk straight out of the bottle without checking the expiration
date.Yeah, I guess you could say that I
live life pretty much on the edge.
The milk was bad, by
the way, and I almost vomited in the sink, but most of it went straight into
the cutlery drawer.That reminds me, I
really should clean that out.
Do you have any
children?
Yes.Some of which I will actually admit to.
Would you like
children or more children if you already have some?
Sure, as long as
they’re good looking and successful and smart and shit.
Please list links to
all of your social media accounts. Eg Facebook, Twitter etc.
Facebook.com,
Twitter.com etc.comI had an Instagram.com account but it was hacked by some fucken Russian guy, so now I don’t know what
to do.I had like 5 photos on it and
followed about 8 people so my life is pretty much over now.
Tell us about your
current living situation.
It’s not a tale for
the faint-hearted.I live a life of
intrigue and mystery.I have a house,
and I built a wall down the middle of it, so I have like an apartment on *this*
side and an apartment on *that* side.In
*this* apartment I have furniture, clothes, food, books, my cat.In *that* apartment, I have different
furniture, different clothes, different food, different books, different
cat.So I live on one side for a while
until I get tired of it and I take off my clothes and put my book down on the
counter and move to the other side and I plan to keep flip-flopping like this
until I die.
What is one major
thing about yourself that you’ve never told anyone?
When I got an
injection at the doctors, I said that it didn’t even hurt, but it really did.
Are you seeking a
relationship with a man or a woman?
I’m a modern guy
living in a modern world. You throw someone at me and I’ll do my best to tonk
them.
What is your current
relationship status?
(This answer is a
drop-down selection, with “married” being included along with dating, in a
relationship, engaged, de facto and other).Naturally, I picked other.
If other, please elaborate:
Married
Help us understand why you are looking for love.
Aren’t we all just looking for love?The yin to our yang, the Cheech to our Chong,
the buttonhole to our corresponding button?The ocean to our dolphin, the Wolverine claws to our Wolverine, the
petals to our flower?The pen to our
paper, the workchair to our desk, the coffee to our mug, the staples to our
stapler, the mousepad to our mouse, the “to do” list on my desk, the “final
warning” email in my inbox, the meetings with human resources.
What are some of the challenges you have faced on your
search for true love.
Probably just being too good looking, you know?Also, I went through a phase of wanting to
have a man bun.I don’t have one, by the
way, but I’ve definitely thought about it, but my hair doesn’t really grow like
that, you know?
Note: this year’s
season of Married At First Sight has a guy who describes himself as being “too
good looking” and another guy with a man bun.
What qualities are important to you when it comes to friends
and partners?
I’m a pretty simple, down-to-earth person, so I really look
for easy-going, gullible rich people who are somehow still desperate for
company and have a penchant for hard drugs and liquor.
What qualities do you dislike in other people?
You know how people are rude to customer service workers,
like checkout operators and waiters and flight attendants and everyone hates
those people because they don’t deserve that?I hate those people.Fuck the waiters. Go get me a drink, or bring me salad or something. I'm not paying for this.
Would you like to get married one day?
Like, for real or just a pretend marriage like in this show,
or when you were four years old and you dressed up and married the girl down the end of
your street?Because they both rank
about equal on the “marriage” scale.
If yes, what is your ideal timeframe?
I couldn’t do anything til after 2pm.
Are you open to talking about love honestly?
The movie is called Love Actually, you dickhead.And I will talk about it for several minutes
until I realise that I keep getting it confused with a Katherine Heigel
film.
Have you ever been married?
I’m not going to lie to you about this, beat around the bush,
change the subject or steer the conversation away from answering this very,
very important question, so all I will say is that I absolutely, positively,
100% can wholeheartedly say that in all honesty, there is a very high and
probable chance and inevitability that at some point, in the past, that there
have been people who would be likely to say that they have indeed been involved
in a marriage.
When was your last relationship and how long did it last
for?
It didn’t take very long, to be honest, but I’m taking pills
for that.
Approximately how many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?
As many as it takes, tiger.
Have you ever tried to find love online?
There’s so much stuff online that it’s ridiculous.I deadset can’t keep up with it.You go out looking for a t-shirt, and all of
a sudden you’re up to your eyeballs in porn, and then there’s an ad for some sexy
singles in my area looking to hook up with me.It’s all very flattering, and who am I to deny them?
What other methods have you used to find love?
The rhythm method, the pull-out method.I tried reverse cowboy but I threw out my
hip.
Would you describe yourself as lonely?
Aren’t we all just a little bit lonely sometimes?And fuck off for being so judgey.It’s not like your life is perfect.
Tell us about the most romantic gesture you have ever made.
It was a few years back.I was in a crowded bar, it was dark, the music was loud, I was about
thirteen drinks in.I saw the most
beautiful girl standing at the bar and I knew that I would regret it if I didn’t
at least try to talk to her.So I waited
for her to get her drink and I followed her across the room.I stood next to her and stared at her, trying
to catch her eye.Eventually she
succumbed to my charms and we locked our gaze.I slowly made an O with the fingers on one hand and pointed my index
finger with the other and made a “penetration” gesture to her.She said no and I think she got a little
scared.
Have you ever been unfaithful to a partner? If so can you
tell us why.
HAHA you sound like my girlfriend, and my ex-girlfriend and
my wife.
Have you had any medical problems eg. spinal injuries, asthma, allergies,
epilepsy, diabetes or mental illness within the last 5 years?
If YES, please describe in detail:
Yeah you’d like that in detail, wouldn’t you, you sick
fucks?
Have you had cosmetic surgery?
If YES, please describe in detail:
I’ve had COSMIC surgery, how about that? I haven’t though, I don’t even know what it
is. I don’t think it exists,
actually. No, probably not.
Do you have any other health issues we should know about?
Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld, where George and
Susan went to visit the Bubble Boy because Jerry was following them to Susan’s
family’s holiday house in the Hamptons and they got separated?That was a great episode.“The
Moops!”LOL it still cracks me up.
Do you have any allergies?
If YES, please provide details:
I am allergic to paprika and coriander, but only when they
are combined in the same teacup and also only on the second full moon of the
cycle in Saturn’s eclipse.It’s not
usually an issue, and I’m on extensive medication for it, so it's not really an issue.
Have you ever applied for a TV Show?
If yes, which show and what stage did you get to in the
process?
Yes actually, I was selected to be in the audience for “Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire” in 2001 but I was deemed “too drunk” to make it
through.If they didn’t want people to
pee openly in the studio, they shouldn’t have let me smuggle in a whole goon bag
under my jumper.
I also auditioned for “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”
and came second.
Have you ever appeared in the media (TV, Newspaper, Online)
in any form?
If YES, please provide details.
YES, I appeared in the Classifieds section under the
headline “Skinny white man seeks same” – I was attempting to find my
doppelganger so I could recreate that scene from “The Parent Trap” at my
workplace, but it turns out that’s not really what the classifieds are
for.
Have you ever been found guilty of or convicted of any
criminal offence (other than any “spent convictions” that are no longer
disclosable under applicable local law)?
If YES, please provide details:
My lawyer advises me to answer “no” to this question. But off the record (and if I say that, then it's not even admissible in court), yes. I have heaps of convictions. Such is the life of a cattle-rustling bushranger with a meth lab and a penchant for jaywalking.
Have you ever been subject to any non-judicial disciplinary
hearings or tribunals (including any registered sporting body)?
If YES, please provide details:
I just don’t understand how it can be deemed a high tackle if
the kid is only four feet tall.What was
I meant to do anyway, just stand there on the sidelines with the other parents
and watch him score against my kid’s team again?
Have you ever been subject to an intervention or apprehended violence order (or similar)?
If YES, please provide details:
This is a trap, right?
Have you ever been declared bankrupt by a court?
I did not say that I was bankrupt, I declared it.
Using gif memes is a great way to make people a bit dizzy
If YES, please provide details.
What details could anyone possibly provide here?
Are you currently involved in any other dispute or court
proceedings?
If yes, please provide details:
As soon as this murder charge goes away, then I can prove my
innocence on the attempted murder charge (don’t worry, it’s a different case) and
aggravated assault (same case), there’s only the kidnapping, arson and
possession with intent to distribute to worry about.And they barely have any evidence against me
anyway, except for some CCTV footage and my fingerprints on a heap of weapons
and my DNA (semen) on a whole lot of things. A lot. Oh, and my meth lab.Hey, have you noticed that at no point in
this application do you ask what my occupation is or where I live?
Will you consent to undergo a Federal Police criminal record
check? (this would be done at a later date).
You have my word that I am not a criminal.
Do you have any criminal charges pending?
If YES, please provide details:
I went through the self-serve checkout at Woolies the other day and
accidentally pressed “red capsicum” instead of “green capsicum” and I didn’t
tell anyone.
Is there anything else you'd like to tell us?
I definitely don’t have a rash on my balls. I think Wishing Wells are a scam and nothing
is being done about them. I hate
seagulls but I always feel bad when I see one with a broken wing just kind of
stuck on a beach and it's totally fucked. I'll usually just throw a towel over
its dirty flying-rat head and put it in some shade so it can at least stay cool
before stray cat comes along and kills it for being a fucking asshole that
steals hot chips.
Do you have any skeletons in your closet? if so, what are
they?
Do you ever wonder what Marty McFly was thinking that after
he came back from the past and his mum was trying to bang him, and his
girlfriend had changed to Elizabeth Shue?Do you think it was connected in any way?
I have read, understood and agree to the Terms and
Conditions
Yeah, like fuck I'm going to read that. TICK.
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I am a part-time silhouette model. You may have seen my work as the guy on a toilet door, or the "green man walking" at the traffic lights.
