Love Poem for the ages

Roses are red

This poem is bad

What rhymes with red?

What rhymes with bad?

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There are many thing in life that are boring. Going to work meetings, going to work conferences, being at work, waiting to go home from work… the list goes on. Some people describe this sensation as “boring as batshit,” signifying that batshit holds the upper echelon in the boredom ranks. That’s a big call, considering that there are a great number of things that people might find boring.

My problem is that when you think about it, batshit isn’t that boring. For a start, it comes from bats. Bats are pretty cool; I mean they hang upside down and eat fruit or drink your blood. They use sonar when they fly. They turn into vampires. They fight crime. Batshit can be used as an ingredient in gunpowder.

Let’s compare that to other types of shit:

Birdshit is boring. It’s all over the place and gets stuck to your car.
Dogshit is boring. If you step in it, it gets into the tread on your shoes and you stink.
Catshit is boring. It’s so boring that you make your cat go into another room and shit into a box, that’s how bored by it you are.
Cowshit is boring – it’s big, but otherwise fairly uninteresting.
Peopleshit is commonplace and no one wants to see it.

So the next time you’re sitting around at work and someone says, “Hey man, what did you think of that report?” don’t answer with, “Boring as batshit,” because you’ve since learned that there are many things more boring than the droppings of our flying rodents, so you should say, “It was as boring as the dry birdshit that's on my windscreen, which has been smeared everywhere because I tried to clean it with my windscreen wipers. And FYI, it can’t be used as gunpowder.”

Then you can go and have a coffee.

there once was a man from nantucket

The English language is a funny old beast; I mean, I don't ROFL when I'm reading the dictionary or anything, and I'd probably laugh more during an episode of Family Guy than I would just talking to myself... actually, the English language isn't that funny at all. In some instances, it's perfectly annoying. Yes, that's more like it. So disregard the first sentence of this post, it's all shit. English isn't funny at all.

One of the annoyances is its lack of rhyming words. Rhyming words can help to make you sound poetic, which is a great way of getting girls to like you. There are probably other ways as well, but I haven't found them just yet. As soon as I do though, you'll be the first people to know.

Anyway, during a recent drinking game, it was observed that there are several words in the English language that don't have rhyming partners. No longer, my friends. Stupidly, most of these words are colours, like purple, orange and silver, which makes it hard to do "Roses are red, violets are purple" kind of poems, unless it goes:

"Roses are red,

violets are purple,

the world is an egg

and nothing rhymes with purple."

See how shit that is? Purple, orange, silver... no fucking rhymes.

"Gary won gold

as his psychic foretold,

Barry took silver...

which was a pretty good effort,

and Larry got bronze,

which he sold to buy some swans."

Actually, bronze doesn't have too many rhymes either.

Other words that don't have a decent rhyme are month, scalp and angst. I can't believe angst doesn't have a rhyme, as surely it is used by emo poets the world over. So to help out emos (because they need it), as well as normal, functioning members of society, I have done everyone a favour by introducing... the next step of languageness:

Lurple - the act of riding in the boot of a car. (The back seat was full, so one person had to lurple for the drive home.)

Borange - to ask for an item that is either impossible or not intended to be returned to the lender. (May I borange a cigarette? Do you have a tissue that I could borange? Would you like to borange a post-it note?)

Grilver - yawning to the point of tears. (It appeared that he was crying during The Notebook, but told his friends that it was just grilver.)

Nonth - to fall upwards. (Kate took a nonth at the bottom of the staircase.)

Chalp - a familiar yet unknown person (I swear I've met this chalp before.)

Frangst - to be given incorrect change. (As I tried to pay for parking, I realised the chick at Subway had frangst me.)

If you can work lurple into a "roses are red" kind of poem, I'll buy you a beer.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Eleven words of awesome


The English language is full of shit words and phrases like “at the end of the day”, “tummy”, “bi-curious” and “emoticon”. I have written some new words and phrases that have received the Mister Evil Breakfast Stamp of Approval for Being Awesome (MEBSOAFBA).


Humping the calcium turtle: A way to describe events that you can't really remember due to extreme alcohol consumption. ("I was humping the calcium turtle on the weekend." / "How did you get your fridge up on the roof?" "I was humping the calcium turtle.")

Badger in a wetsuit / whore in church / goat on a pole / ferret in a disco: These are all expressions of heat and give the impression that you are sweating. (“Mate, it’s a bit warm today; I’m sweating like a badger in a wetsuit.” / “I was so nervous, I was sweating like a whore in church.”)

Aussie cricket team: To get the job done, albeit poorly and past the due date. (His report was a bit Aussie cricket team, but he was happy it was over.)

Goat:
1. An extreme measurement. ("I was as sore as a goat." / "It's as hot as a goat out here." / "The stockmarket fell a goatload today.")
2. An undisclosed part of the human body. ("I'll punch you in the goat." / "My goat is as sore as a goat.")

S M Mess: The state of inebriation where you can no longer use text-messaging, but dammit if you aren't going to try.

Twenty bucks: The right price to make a bad story interesting. ("I saw a red car... and then I found twenty bucks.")

Eggs for breakfast: Something that sounds like a tempting idea, but from previous experience, is known to be fairly dicey. (It was that time of the night when the idea of another beer was eggs for breakfast.)

Mahoosive: Extremely large – this is like the word ‘massive’, but bigger.

Alpha sheep: Person who unexpectedly leads people to action. (The buffet table was untouched as the guests waited for the arrival of an Alpha Sheep).

Four day arse: An offensive smell. (After the road-trip, the boys smelt like four-day arse).

Bediddle: A car with one headlight brighter than the other. Is also an alternative for the classic “punchbuggy” game.

Eleven words of awesome, ten ads-a-crapping, nine nerds a-rofling, eight cancelled shows, seven bumper stickers, six Ponting problems, five drinking games, four random reviews, three ways to get rich, too many beers and a bright shiny new crowbar.

insert subject line

There are so many great phrases in the Australian lexicon, like; "G'day no worries too right sheila blokey Warnie Boonie Merv," just to name one. "She'll be apples" and "git faaahked" are also useful in their versatility. And I'm sorry to my plethora of overseas readers, but you just can't get away with using our Aussie idioms if you don't have the beautiful drawl that comes from living this close to heaven.

But the single greatest phrase that can be uttered by... well... anyone, regardless of whether you're a sunburnt little dusty-faced dinki-di Aussie battler or Captain of the Sri Lankan Pudding Team, is "No offence, but..." It is basically the equivalent of a 'get out of jail free card'. It gives the speaker the right to bad-mouth anyone about anything, whether it's regarding their appearance, their lifestyle, their job, their personality, their dog, their obsession with cowboys, their choice of movie when you go to get a DVD, their toenails or their choice of capsicums or tomatoes on Ready Steady Cook. Simply prefix whatever you're thinking with "No offence, but", and let fly with the abuse.

Avoid this:
"Your hair looks shit."
"Fuck you, man."

by doing this:
"No offence, but your hair looks shit."
"I know, Stefan just hasn't been the same since his arm was bitten off by a rabid goat."

Here's a common scenario:
"I'm sleeping with your girlfriend."
"Fuck you, man."

Try this:
"No offence, but I'm sleeping with your girlfriend."
"Fuck you, man."
"Hey, I said 'no offence'."
"Oh. Right. Sorry."
"That's ok. Don't do it again though."
"I said I was sorry."
"Buy me a beer and we're even."
"Ok man."

If Hitler said "No offense, but I'm invading Poland," the world would be a very different place indeed.

i do not like green eggs and ham

So I walked into someone today. That in itself is an awesome story, and should be made into a movie. I would be played by Tom from Home and Away (remember Tom, he was Pippa’s first husband who had a heart attack while driving and died), and as we are basically identical twins, and I figure he needs some acting work, it makes perfect sense. The guy I walked into would have been played by Jonathon Brandis, except I learnt recently that he died last year. So in respect to the dead, that guy will now be played by Michael Hutchence.

I was meandering along the footpath, thinking worldly things (for instance: Last night, I saw an ad for nappies that had some kind of slow-release wet patch mechanism on them, so the toddler knows when they’ve just pissed themselves. I didn’t have this when I was toilet training, and I rarely wet myself these days. What the fuck is wrong with kids today that they need special help to let them know that they’ve got a plastic bag full of urine and baby shit around their waist? And how will letting them know they’re wet help anyone? Surely they’d think, “Well… fuck. I’m wet,” take off their pants and run around the house naked, pissing and shitting on anything and everything they can. I know I would.) and then I bumped shoulders with this guy coming the other way. When I say ‘bumped’ I mean ‘brushed’, and by ‘brushed’ I mean my sleeve may have lightly touched his sleeve. It was quite a hit, it almost made the cotton of my shirt move. Almost.

“Sorry mate,” says I, all apologies and sincerity.
“Fucking watch where you’re going.”
“Yeah. Sorry.” And I turned to walk away, and muse on other things, such as what all the little black bits on the concrete are – some friends I have say it’s chewing gum, but really, do that many people eat chewing gum and spit it out right on the footpath? I mean, there are heaps of those little black blobs, and if it was chewing gum, wouldn’t it be more easily removed? Those blobs are pretty impossible to lift up, if you’ve ever tried (like me), and they sure as hell don’t taste like chewing gum… and then when my back is turned, I hear, “Fuck you, fucking faggot.”
Alliteration aside, it wasn’t the greatest use of English I’d ever heard. “Fuck you.” Is that the best we can do here? Some of the greatest literature known to man hath been borne of the English language. Shakespeare, Coleridge, Yeats and Suess would be rolling around quite discontentedly in their graves, I should think. And I’d know, I’ve been digging around all afternoon, swearing at corpses to see if it had any effect. (note: not yet, but keep trying)

Fuck you. Poor form, English. Take heed on your Spanish cousin:
Mecagum les cinc llagues de Crist, "I shit on the five wounds of Christ," in Catalan. Even better is Mecagum Deu, en la creu, en el fuster que la feu i en el fill de puta que va plantar el pi, "I shit on God, on the cross, on the carpenter who made it and on the son of a whore who planted the pine."
Are you a Swahili mother with a kid in need of Super Nanny’s obvious advice? I am. So I say, Matumbo yangu huzaa maradhi, "My womb has born a disease."
Slightly less harsh, but a shitload easier to say comes from our stoned friends, the Dutch. Krijg de mazelen, "May you get the measles.”
I have been known to dabble in Dinga, a language spoken in Zaire, Mabial agpi-agpi ke mabial nganswang, "[You have] very short breasts like the breasts of a porcupine.” I usually say this to my pet porcupine, just so no-one gets hurt by it. And my porcupine doesn’t speak Dinga.
And thankfully, we have a new “mama” joke. So all you little wiggas out there, read this (or: reed dis, mang!) Melewe silom we ie maragus, "Your mother has yaws," Ulithian (Ulithi is a coral atoll in the Pacific.) Or try Falfulul silom, "Your mother's pubic tattooing!" Gold, baby.
Bi damaghi babat rydam, "I shit on your father's nose," which you can say next time you're hanging around in Iran and looking for a fight. Or you could try Guz bi rishit, which means "May a fart be on your beard."

So Captain Cranky Pants, FUCK YOU. You arse clown.