...and demands respect.
Melbourne, The Demons
Melbourne is a pathetic club. They have not looked like winning a premiership in about six decades.
This is the club that makes up the numbers more than any other team.
If they were to fold nobody would miss them.
They have no spirit, no heart and no soul.
I won't even bother predicting where this team will finish because they are irrelevant.
- Mr Football
Showing posts with label Mr Football presents.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mr Football presents.... Show all posts
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Mr Whiskas Breakfast
Geelong, the Cats
Geelong is the last one-team-one-town club. Now before there is an influx on the blog about Sydney and Brisbane being one-team-one-town clubs a few things need to be taken into account, i.e. the AFL in their wisdom are trying like buggery to exploit the western suburbs of Sydney and Brisbane. That is why every near bankrupt Victorian side are playing games in these cities, e.g. Kangaroos, Demons, Blues and Dogs. So really Brisbane and Sydney are not one-team cities any more. Catfish?*
Back to Geelong. In 06 they won NAB Cup. I happened to be sitting on a plane from Adelaide to Melbourne that was filled with a tribe of drunk players, AFL cronies and general hanger-oners the morning after Geelong won the cup. These tossers were ecstatic; they thought that Geelong FC had risen to its former glory circa 1930. With a thought process like this, it is no wonder they fucked up the rest of the season.
The NAB Cup is a sham. It is called the pre-season because the season has not started yet. There is no glory in winning a game outside of the season. However, when you are a pathetic rabble like Geelong, you don't understand this. As a point of interest, Carlton won it the year before Geelong - they celebrated their success by collecting two wooden spoons.
A football team's list is a paradox. Let me explain. Geelong have a good list, the reason being that they were shit for so long. The AFL, which has less honour than the Mufti of Sydney, rewards incompetence and punishes competence. It is a flawed concept and that is why the best clubs i.e. Adelaide, WCE and Essendon are never down for long and shit clubs like Geelong, Melbourne, St Kilda, Fremantle and the Bulldogs have not won a single premiership between them since Australia changed from pounds and shillings to dollars and cents even though the AFL keeps loading them up with draft picks and cash.
Geelong players are spoilt and selfish; this attitude is bred by a club that has no vision. When teams fail to be able to move on after losing a Grand Final, they fall in a heap real fast. Geelong played in the GF in 89, 92, 94 and 95. It is now 07 but they are still harping on about how they were so unlucky - the truth is that they were not good enough. For three of those GF's they had The Messiah at the helm (albeit he was yet to become the Messiah). They also had God and Buddha playing for them (these nick names are all real).
Geelong will improve marginally from last year, but they still don't have the respect of Mr Football. Prediction 8th.
*gratuitous Simpsons reference.
Geelong is the last one-team-one-town club. Now before there is an influx on the blog about Sydney and Brisbane being one-team-one-town clubs a few things need to be taken into account, i.e. the AFL in their wisdom are trying like buggery to exploit the western suburbs of Sydney and Brisbane. That is why every near bankrupt Victorian side are playing games in these cities, e.g. Kangaroos, Demons, Blues and Dogs. So really Brisbane and Sydney are not one-team cities any more. Catfish?*
Back to Geelong. In 06 they won NAB Cup. I happened to be sitting on a plane from Adelaide to Melbourne that was filled with a tribe of drunk players, AFL cronies and general hanger-oners the morning after Geelong won the cup. These tossers were ecstatic; they thought that Geelong FC had risen to its former glory circa 1930. With a thought process like this, it is no wonder they fucked up the rest of the season.
The NAB Cup is a sham. It is called the pre-season because the season has not started yet. There is no glory in winning a game outside of the season. However, when you are a pathetic rabble like Geelong, you don't understand this. As a point of interest, Carlton won it the year before Geelong - they celebrated their success by collecting two wooden spoons.
A football team's list is a paradox. Let me explain. Geelong have a good list, the reason being that they were shit for so long. The AFL, which has less honour than the Mufti of Sydney, rewards incompetence and punishes competence. It is a flawed concept and that is why the best clubs i.e. Adelaide, WCE and Essendon are never down for long and shit clubs like Geelong, Melbourne, St Kilda, Fremantle and the Bulldogs have not won a single premiership between them since Australia changed from pounds and shillings to dollars and cents even though the AFL keeps loading them up with draft picks and cash.
Geelong players are spoilt and selfish; this attitude is bred by a club that has no vision. When teams fail to be able to move on after losing a Grand Final, they fall in a heap real fast. Geelong played in the GF in 89, 92, 94 and 95. It is now 07 but they are still harping on about how they were so unlucky - the truth is that they were not good enough. For three of those GF's they had The Messiah at the helm (albeit he was yet to become the Messiah). They also had God and Buddha playing for them (these nick names are all real).
Geelong will improve marginally from last year, but they still don't have the respect of Mr Football. Prediction 8th.
*gratuitous Simpsons reference.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
50 metre Breakfast
With utmost thanks again to Mr Football...
Essendon, the Bombers, the Dons.
Essendon is one of the great AFL clubs*. They are the only Victorian club that has been able to understand what a NATIONAL competition means. 12 other AFL clubs envy the Dons, only the Eagles, Crows and Magpies are in a stronger financial position** Accordingly, Essendon won AFL premierships throughout two different eras, 93 and 00 (An AFL era lasts 3-4 years) The West Coast Eagles are the only other club to have done this.
In 06 the Dons had a disgraceful year, just managing to avoid the wooden spoon. In most years they would have ended up with the spoon, but Carlton were particularly bad. The Dons had 30 goals kicked against them by the Crows, without exaggeration this happens about once every 1000 games, obviously the fans were pissed off.
There was logic behind their terrible form, mainly they suffered a horrendous injury count. Lloydy, their Full Forward and skipper ripped his hamstring off the bone half way through the first game of the season. He'd already kicked 8 goals for the game, he didn't play again for the year. The Dons struggled to kick 8 goals a game for the next 21 rounds. If Lloydy plays a full season he'll kick a ton this year and the Dons will win many more games.
Hirdy plays for the Dons, he is a champion. He looks like a pretty boy, but he is hard as nails. His best is past him, but when he is in the right mood he will rip a team apart. Watch out for him this year, he'll have a couple of blinders. Maybe even ANZAC day.
Kevin Sheedy is the coach, he has been coaching them for 27 years. Much like a heroin junkie, he is never down for very long. He'll be back again this year. The Bombers wont be premiership contenders and it is unlikely they will even make the eight but they'll ruffle a few feathers in 07 as they build for a big 08.
Prediction 9th
*Mr Football does not support Essendon Football Club.
**Any cunt that wants to make smart ass comment about the Eagles, Crows and Magpies all having the name of bird can get fucked. The AFL encouraged the two newest teams to come up with original names because a few jackass were complaining. Now we have the Dockers and the Power. These are the two most fucked up names in Australian sport with the exception being the A-League's 'we are to good to have a nick-name' Sydney FC.
Essendon, the Bombers, the Dons.
Essendon is one of the great AFL clubs*. They are the only Victorian club that has been able to understand what a NATIONAL competition means. 12 other AFL clubs envy the Dons, only the Eagles, Crows and Magpies are in a stronger financial position** Accordingly, Essendon won AFL premierships throughout two different eras, 93 and 00 (An AFL era lasts 3-4 years) The West Coast Eagles are the only other club to have done this.
In 06 the Dons had a disgraceful year, just managing to avoid the wooden spoon. In most years they would have ended up with the spoon, but Carlton were particularly bad. The Dons had 30 goals kicked against them by the Crows, without exaggeration this happens about once every 1000 games, obviously the fans were pissed off.
There was logic behind their terrible form, mainly they suffered a horrendous injury count. Lloydy, their Full Forward and skipper ripped his hamstring off the bone half way through the first game of the season. He'd already kicked 8 goals for the game, he didn't play again for the year. The Dons struggled to kick 8 goals a game for the next 21 rounds. If Lloydy plays a full season he'll kick a ton this year and the Dons will win many more games.
Hirdy plays for the Dons, he is a champion. He looks like a pretty boy, but he is hard as nails. His best is past him, but when he is in the right mood he will rip a team apart. Watch out for him this year, he'll have a couple of blinders. Maybe even ANZAC day.
Kevin Sheedy is the coach, he has been coaching them for 27 years. Much like a heroin junkie, he is never down for very long. He'll be back again this year. The Bombers wont be premiership contenders and it is unlikely they will even make the eight but they'll ruffle a few feathers in 07 as they build for a big 08.
Prediction 9th
*Mr Football does not support Essendon Football Club.
**Any cunt that wants to make smart ass comment about the Eagles, Crows and Magpies all having the name of bird can get fucked. The AFL encouraged the two newest teams to come up with original names because a few jackass were complaining. Now we have the Dockers and the Power. These are the two most fucked up names in Australian sport with the exception being the A-League's 'we are to good to have a nick-name' Sydney FC.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Mr Evil Capper
Thank God for Mr Football.
I'll update again soon, but really, there's not much point, as this guy is pretty damn good.
Collingwood.
Collingwood are lead off the field by Eddie McGuire, also known as the Eddie the wanker.
They are lead on the field by Nathan Buckley also known as Bucks. He likes to call himself Fig Jam, and in fact his number plate his FIG JAM.
For those who are by some degree retarded, FIGJAM means Fuck I'm Good Just Ask Me.
Bucks could have been one of the greatest on-ballers and captains of all time, but unfortunately he will just be remembered as another hack who played 300 games but never won a flag. As 'the Messiah' Malcolm Blight says, "you can be good but you are never great until you win a premiership." When Brisbane began building their all-conquering 3 time premiership, 4 time Grand Final, 6 times in row preliminary final side 15 years ago, Bucks was the first one chosen. With Bucks in the side those three premierships could have been four or five and maybe six and he would have been the captain, not Vossy. However, since Bucks is tosser, he threw in the towel after one year with Brisbane and decided he wanted to go to the spiritual home of tossers. That is Collingwood FC. His reason: he wanted to play in finals. Nice one Bucks, you GOAT. Sure he captained the Pies to a couple of GF losses, but who cares? As 'The Messiah' says, "losing a GF is like dancing with your sister, you are a long way from you know where."
Bucks watched on year after year as Brisbane players won premierships and Brownlow medals; they could have all gone to Bucks. Alas, Vossy will be remembered as the great one, not Bucks.
Collingwood will struggle this year. They have a lack of talent, misplaced arrogance and a game plan that belongs in the 90's. They may sneak into the eight, this is only because the AFL is as corrupt as a Palestinian bank and allows Collingwood to play more games at home then any of the 15 other teams.
Have a look out for Joffa, he is the knob that sits behind the Collingwood goals and puts on a golden jacket when he thinks Collingwood have the game in the bag. He'll wear that jacket 13 times this year.
Prediction 7th
I'll update again soon, but really, there's not much point, as this guy is pretty damn good.
Collingwood.
Collingwood are lead off the field by Eddie McGuire, also known as the Eddie the wanker.
They are lead on the field by Nathan Buckley also known as Bucks. He likes to call himself Fig Jam, and in fact his number plate his FIG JAM.
For those who are by some degree retarded, FIGJAM means Fuck I'm Good Just Ask Me.
Bucks could have been one of the greatest on-ballers and captains of all time, but unfortunately he will just be remembered as another hack who played 300 games but never won a flag. As 'the Messiah' Malcolm Blight says, "you can be good but you are never great until you win a premiership." When Brisbane began building their all-conquering 3 time premiership, 4 time Grand Final, 6 times in row preliminary final side 15 years ago, Bucks was the first one chosen. With Bucks in the side those three premierships could have been four or five and maybe six and he would have been the captain, not Vossy. However, since Bucks is tosser, he threw in the towel after one year with Brisbane and decided he wanted to go to the spiritual home of tossers. That is Collingwood FC. His reason: he wanted to play in finals. Nice one Bucks, you GOAT. Sure he captained the Pies to a couple of GF losses, but who cares? As 'The Messiah' says, "losing a GF is like dancing with your sister, you are a long way from you know where."
Bucks watched on year after year as Brisbane players won premierships and Brownlow medals; they could have all gone to Bucks. Alas, Vossy will be remembered as the great one, not Bucks.
Collingwood will struggle this year. They have a lack of talent, misplaced arrogance and a game plan that belongs in the 90's. They may sneak into the eight, this is only because the AFL is as corrupt as a Palestinian bank and allows Collingwood to play more games at home then any of the 15 other teams.
Have a look out for Joffa, he is the knob that sits behind the Collingwood goals and puts on a golden jacket when he thinks Collingwood have the game in the bag. He'll wear that jacket 13 times this year.
Prediction 7th
Friday, February 23, 2007
Evil tight shorts
Thanks again to Mr Football...
Fremantle Dockers
You can lead a horse to water........
For the last 20 years the AFL have done everything in their power to make the competition even. Fremantle have done everything in their power to be the worst team in the comp. In 2006 they won a final for the first time in their pathetic history.
This team has had some of the best players on their list. However they have given them away to other clubs. They have been the most inept and unsuccessful club over the last decade. They are joined by Geelong, Bulldogs, Richmond, Melbourne and St Kilda as teams that have never won an AFL premiership.
However, finally Fremantle may be just about to emerge as a serious contender. For more than a decade the Dockers have been derided by AFL fans. the Dockers joined the AFL back in 1995 and have only made the finals twice. . They'll play finals again this season and may reach the top four. But they've still got a long way to go before we talk about their premiership credentials.
The bandwagon that is the Fremantle fan base is called the purple haze, I refer to them as the purple faggots.
Prediction 4th
Fremantle Dockers
You can lead a horse to water........
For the last 20 years the AFL have done everything in their power to make the competition even. Fremantle have done everything in their power to be the worst team in the comp. In 2006 they won a final for the first time in their pathetic history.
This team has had some of the best players on their list. However they have given them away to other clubs. They have been the most inept and unsuccessful club over the last decade. They are joined by Geelong, Bulldogs, Richmond, Melbourne and St Kilda as teams that have never won an AFL premiership.
However, finally Fremantle may be just about to emerge as a serious contender. For more than a decade the Dockers have been derided by AFL fans. the Dockers joined the AFL back in 1995 and have only made the finals twice. . They'll play finals again this season and may reach the top four. But they've still got a long way to go before we talk about their premiership credentials.
The bandwagon that is the Fremantle fan base is called the purple haze, I refer to them as the purple faggots.
Prediction 4th
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Mr Football presents...
Carlton Football Club
Once a great club, now a basket case. Carlton has 'won' the last two wooden spoons, and three in five years. This was after a hundred odd years of never having received one. It will require a hell of a lot of luck to not see them finish last again, because they certainly don't have the skill to get off the bottom.
Acting president Stephen "Sticks" Kernahan said, "we are on the bottom - we can't go too much lower". The sad truth is they can; they can be relocated to the Gold Coast or Western Sydney.
Carlton was not always like this, they were once powerful, successful and rich. Now even the South Sydney Rabbithos laugh at them.
A series of events took place that caused the most almighty fuck up in Australian sporting history.
They were:
- They tried to buy a premiership and in doing so broke salary cap restrictions.
- They lied to the AFL about breaking the restrictions and were punished
- Their attempt to buy a premiership was a dismal failure, they 'won' the wooden spoon instead
- They ended up with the most expensive squad in the AFL that was also the worst
- They AFL fined them and banned them from the draft
- Because they were on the bottom of the ladder they lost membership and sponsorship revenue
- Because they had no draft picks they can't rebuild their list, which was already the worst in the league
- Because they couldn't rebuild their list they couldn't win games and attract members and sponsors
- They hired the most expensive coach in the AFL who they could not afford
- The players and the board hate the coach but when they tried to sack him they realised they couldn't afford to pay out his contract
- The coach knows the board and players hate him so his heart is really not in the job
Carlton now has a 9 million dollar debt, the worst list, a ineffectual board and coach that couldn't give a rats arse about the club or the players.
The club is in a worse state then Fitzroy and South Melbourne were in when they were relocated.
Prediction 16th
Once a great club, now a basket case. Carlton has 'won' the last two wooden spoons, and three in five years. This was after a hundred odd years of never having received one. It will require a hell of a lot of luck to not see them finish last again, because they certainly don't have the skill to get off the bottom.
Acting president Stephen "Sticks" Kernahan said, "we are on the bottom - we can't go too much lower". The sad truth is they can; they can be relocated to the Gold Coast or Western Sydney.
Carlton was not always like this, they were once powerful, successful and rich. Now even the South Sydney Rabbithos laugh at them.
A series of events took place that caused the most almighty fuck up in Australian sporting history.
They were:
- They tried to buy a premiership and in doing so broke salary cap restrictions.
- They lied to the AFL about breaking the restrictions and were punished
- Their attempt to buy a premiership was a dismal failure, they 'won' the wooden spoon instead
- They ended up with the most expensive squad in the AFL that was also the worst
- They AFL fined them and banned them from the draft
- Because they were on the bottom of the ladder they lost membership and sponsorship revenue
- Because they had no draft picks they can't rebuild their list, which was already the worst in the league
- Because they couldn't rebuild their list they couldn't win games and attract members and sponsors
- They hired the most expensive coach in the AFL who they could not afford
- The players and the board hate the coach but when they tried to sack him they realised they couldn't afford to pay out his contract
- The coach knows the board and players hate him so his heart is really not in the job
Carlton now has a 9 million dollar debt, the worst list, a ineffectual board and coach that couldn't give a rats arse about the club or the players.
The club is in a worse state then Fitzroy and South Melbourne were in when they were relocated.
Prediction 16th
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Up there Kazaly
Since my “article” (and yes, I use that term loosely) about the cricket, I’ve been inundated with feedback. I have literally received an email from a certain “Mr Football” who has kindly offered to give a rundown on the AFL comp for this year, which I’m sure will excite all you drooling nuffers out there.
Adelaide Crows:
The Crows will be in for a tough year in 07. After playing in the finals for 5 of the last 6 years, inlcuding making 3 prelims, the tide may be turning, and it is unlikely they will be one of the comp leaders again. They will probably make the finals, but winning the flag will be a slog. They should be able to beat their pathetic cross town rivals, the Port Shmower. The Shmower are a bunch a fucking useless cunts. they have a reputation for having sex with their sisters, and a fetish for their mum's mickey juice. Very few people that live in Port Adelaide have made it past year 4 at school. Mainly becuase their parents were too drug fucked to enroll them.
Brisbane Lions:
Several punters referred to the Brisbane Lions as the team of the century after winning premierships in 2001, 2002, 2003. I wish these jerkoff's would let me use their time machine cos they have obviously gone to the year 2099 to read up on the what happened during the past 95 odd years. What a bunch of tossers, Steve Quaterman being the main one. If I had time machine I would find out what the winning lotto numbers where every week, win lotto and then give all the money to Bill Gates, he is going to end up with it anyway.
The Lions had a poor year in 2006; there were may distractions in Brisbane. Firstly Jason Akermanis was busy being a dickhead. It's not the first time he has been a dickhead and it won't be the last. The other distraction was Lee "Lethal" Mathews and his Devine Home commercials. The chick in that commercial is super hot, no wonder Lethal was unable to focus on football. He was probably thinking about the chick the whole time. Mal Michael left the club at the end of 06, he retired for about 5 minutes and then came out of retirement and will play for Essendon. It was bit of a down and dirty thing to do. Eddie Maguire probably had something to do with it. He has been trying to stuff Brisbane up for years. Basically ever since the Lions knocked the Pies of in the GF (twice). Eddie fails to see that the Pies didn't deserve to be there in the first place and were just a bunch of hacks that fluked it. Poor Eddie, he can have all the success in the world but he barracks for the Pies so he will always be a loser.
I am predicting Brisbane to be outside of the finals again, not enough depth just yet. They are moving the right direction though and will cause a surprise or two along the way. Prediction 10th.
- Mr Football
Adelaide Crows:
The Crows will be in for a tough year in 07. After playing in the finals for 5 of the last 6 years, inlcuding making 3 prelims, the tide may be turning, and it is unlikely they will be one of the comp leaders again. They will probably make the finals, but winning the flag will be a slog. They should be able to beat their pathetic cross town rivals, the Port Shmower. The Shmower are a bunch a fucking useless cunts. they have a reputation for having sex with their sisters, and a fetish for their mum's mickey juice. Very few people that live in Port Adelaide have made it past year 4 at school. Mainly becuase their parents were too drug fucked to enroll them.
Brisbane Lions:
Several punters referred to the Brisbane Lions as the team of the century after winning premierships in 2001, 2002, 2003. I wish these jerkoff's would let me use their time machine cos they have obviously gone to the year 2099 to read up on the what happened during the past 95 odd years. What a bunch of tossers, Steve Quaterman being the main one. If I had time machine I would find out what the winning lotto numbers where every week, win lotto and then give all the money to Bill Gates, he is going to end up with it anyway.
The Lions had a poor year in 2006; there were may distractions in Brisbane. Firstly Jason Akermanis was busy being a dickhead. It's not the first time he has been a dickhead and it won't be the last. The other distraction was Lee "Lethal" Mathews and his Devine Home commercials. The chick in that commercial is super hot, no wonder Lethal was unable to focus on football. He was probably thinking about the chick the whole time. Mal Michael left the club at the end of 06, he retired for about 5 minutes and then came out of retirement and will play for Essendon. It was bit of a down and dirty thing to do. Eddie Maguire probably had something to do with it. He has been trying to stuff Brisbane up for years. Basically ever since the Lions knocked the Pies of in the GF (twice). Eddie fails to see that the Pies didn't deserve to be there in the first place and were just a bunch of hacks that fluked it. Poor Eddie, he can have all the success in the world but he barracks for the Pies so he will always be a loser.
I am predicting Brisbane to be outside of the finals again, not enough depth just yet. They are moving the right direction though and will cause a surprise or two along the way. Prediction 10th.
- Mr Football
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