The latest demi-god to grace us with his presence for 80 minutes a week before heading off to ensure the safety of the universe is Brisbane forward David Fifita, who is currently in negotiations for the next few years of his contract, and is currently in line to become the highest paid player in the game at the age of 20. If Twitter is to be believed, and I'm not sure why anyone would doubt its 280 character-per-tweet wisdom, Fifi is looking to join the Gold Coast Titans for the 2021 season at the budget price of $1.25 million, before heading back to Brissy in 2022 to continue printing money.
Nice work if you can get it, David, especially considering that you haven't played a fucking game since Round 2. Round fucking Two. That's before the COVID break, and before he underwent knee surgery. It's one thing to be asking for more money than anyone else in the game, another thing to do it less than two seasons into your career, an entirely other thing to do before your 21st birthday, and a whole other kettle of fish to do it from your fucking hospital bed following knee surgery.
We can only hope that the Titans have learned their lesson from the last time they tried to get their suntan-lotion-covered hands on a player "bigger than the game" and will avoid paying a stupid amount for Fifita for just a 12-month contract. It's not enough time for the team to recruit players around him, for him to grasp the existing plays, learn the players names, find a new cocaine dealer, alert him to which bouncers you can and cannot punch on with (note: none of them, David), or find a house big enough to fit all of his dumptrucks full of money.
But if the Titans do sign him... well, there's about 15% of the salary cap right there in one player, receiving shit passes from Ash Taylor, getting shit offloads from Kevin Proctor, covering shit missed tackled from Bryce Cartwright & carrying shit Shannon Boyd around the field Weekend at Bernie's style. And then what? He fucks off back to Brisbane leaving a trail of money and a still-broken Titans team in his wake, who now have to replace their forward pack again.
The Gold Coast management should talk to the North Queensland Cowboys about how much of a fucking great investment Valentine Holmes was, as he limped back from (strangely) not being very good at American Football, despite putting in several hours on the Playstation, landing broken-ankle first in a swimming pool of hopes, dreams, money and a million NRL fans remembering "when Val Holmes was good for a year."
Players like Valentine Holmes, Hayne, maybe even Kalyn Ponga and Fifita is like when you think you really want something and then you buy it but it doesn't really do what you want it to and you feel a bit stupid for buying it in the first place so you just put it in the cupboard in the back room so your friends don't see it and ask you "why did you buy that expensive and flashy but ultimately useless item?" and it makes you feel bad for spending a lot of money on something that you realise you don't even like and possibly never did in the first place but you read somewhere that it was good and its value would definitely increase over time and soon everyone would want one but that never happened and you've only just realised that the article was an ad anyway.
In other news, we bid farewell to Dean Pay, who resigned as coach of the Canterbury Bulldogs this week. Dean went to the unprecedented lengths to support his team by undergoing several cosmetic surgeries to actually look more like a Bulldog. Unfortunately, losing to Brisbane was probably the nail in the coffin, and the Archbishop of Canterbury took Dean to the vet and put him out of his suffering once and for all. You were a good boy, Dean. You probably deserved better.
 |
| Who's a good boy, then? Not you, Dean. |
Round 10
Sydney Roosters vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO
In good news for the Raiders, Curtis Scott has been ruled out of their squad with some kind of arm infection that I can only imagine is coronavirus-related, and therefore he should be set on fire and catapulted into the sun. In his place comes Semi Valemai, who I can only imagine was picked because of the success of the last bloke called Semi who played NRL.I love my Green Machine, but I'm not sure if the Raiders are going to be able to match it with the Chooks for this one, and I think an 8-point defecit will blow out to at least 16 points in the last ten minutes.
Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans
Remember when the Titans beat the Storm back in 2017? What a mind fuck. But I think we can all be pretty confident that that won't happen again. This one might get pretty messy for the Goldies, I reckon. People may die. Lots of people.Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos
If any team can keep the Broncos Shitwagon rolling, it's the Tiges, whose coach Madge "I just realised I don't actually know his real name, but it's probably Michael" McGuire has wielded the axe over the underperforming team and has beheaded halfback Luke Brooks to try to scare the shit out of the rest of the team to lift their game. Either that, or he's just deadset keen on ensuring that Wests finish 9th, as is tradition. The Broncos are all thanking their lucky stars over another round of margaritas and Winnie Blues that Madge isn't anywhere near Brisbane, or they'd all be fucked.St George Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Well fuck me if the Drags didn't turn up last week. Let's see if they can make it two in a row against one of the worst teams in the comp (sorry Doggies). To put the Dogs' season in perspective, their leading try scorer for the year is Kieran Foran, with two.South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Newcastle Knights
Oh fuck, I don't know. Every time I call Souths unconvincing, they unconvincingly win. Fuck it, I'm just going to go with Newy, despite them seeming to be a whole lot worse than I am giving them credit for.Manly Sea Eagles vs Parramatta Eels
Last week didn't quite go to plan for Manly, unless their plan was to "roll around in their own shit for a while". What a debacle that was. Meanwhile, Parra flexed their defensive muscle, and snuck home for a sneaky win very sneakily indeed. I think they may be a bit more boisterous about it this week.NZ Warriors vs Cronulla Sharks
I'm tipping Cronulla, but let the record state that I am not happy about it.Penrith Panthers vs North QLD Cowboys
Yeah nah, sorry Cows. This one is going to hurt, I'm afraid. Penrith are doing all the right things at the moment, like winning and stuff, whereas the Cowboys just aren't. Maybe they should try winning? I might write to Paul Green and let him know.
No comments:
Post a Comment