Trump: the Drinking Game

Have a drink. A lot of drinks, so many drinks. The best drinks. 

All eyes will soon move to the land of opportunity as the world watches the next hilarious episode of "America" when local Oompa Loompa Donald Trump takes his place on the throne as President of the White House.  

Obviously we're all a bit scared-yet-interested by what the fuck is going to happen over the next four years and how the "greatest nation on earth" will fare by having the "greatest fuckwit on earth" at the helm.  It's a bold strategy that Captain America has created, let's see if it pays off for them.  Personally, I am still waiting for Donald Trump to take his mask off to reveal that he is Andy Kaufman, and telling everyone that they are massive fucking idiots for letting this happen.  

In the off-chance that this doesn't happen, you should arm yourself with your favourite beverage and wave small American flags as you chant "You Essay" while President Elect Donald Trump becomes President Trump, erect.

1 drink:

- when he makes that hand gesture where it kind of looks like he's either giving the "ok" sign  or giving out handjobs to midgets (or pulling imaginary flags out of his nose).  

- whenever he audibly sniffs.  BONUS GAME: sniff along at home, and the last person in the room to sniff has to take a double drink.   

- every time he doubles up on the word "great."

- the phrases "believe me", "trust me" and "it's true."

- the word "huge."  BONUS GAME:  everyone in the room must ask "how big?" and the last person to respond "huge" has an extra drink.

- the word "unbelievable."  

- when he pronounces "China" like "jhyna."

- every time he mentions that he has a friend.

- for every mention of "everyone is saying..." or "people are saying."

2 drinks:

- whenever he practices his superfluous scale: “...we are going to have good plans.  We’re going to have great plans.  They’re going to be the best plans.”

- whenever he makes a quick addendum to a racist or controversial blanket statement:    

"Mexico is sending a lot of people across our borders. These are not good people. They are bad people. These are the worst people. Meth dealers, drugs dealer, criminals, rapists. They are crossing our borders in great numbers. Huge numbers. These bad people are just crossing into our country. Bad people. Well, some of them are good people."

- when he announces "fixing" a problem, but doesn't go into detail about what that actually means.
- for a self-compliment.
- if he has just invented a word; bonus drink if that word is "bigly."

3 drinks:
- if he mentions grabbing pussy.  
- when he slags off reporters.  Bonus drink if he does an impression of one.
- when he announces his expertise at something.  Have a bonus if it's as vague as being "an expert at military."
- if he finishes the speech with the line: "Obama, you're fired!"

God bless America.

State of Origin 2015 Drinking Game

Tonight, pride and passion are put on the line.  Friendship and loyalties are forgotten as a battle for a place in history begins.  Men enter the field and leave as warriors.  Legends are created.  It’s a time when athletes transcend the sport and become myth. 

Or, you know, a couple of dickheads turn up to play a game of football, and it gets hyped to the point that it’s just fucking ridiculous.

In order to keep a lid on things, let’s grab a slab and make what could very well be a dour game just a bit more interesting.  Pretend you’re Josh Dugan and join the Mister Evil Breakfast State of Origin Drinking Game (otherwise known as ‘MEBSOODG’, which is actually an ancient Scandinavian drinking proverb, roughly translated to “do something with the fucking ball, Pearce, you fucking useless shit.”)!

Let’s start things off easy.  Take one sip:

• Every time a team scores a try. 
• When Origin is described as “the greatest rivalry in sport.”
• Each time Sportsbet.com.au is brought up.  
• For each Mitchell Pearce fuck-up (dropped ball, kicked out on the full, knock-on).  This could get messy.
• When Trent Hodkinson passes to a player who was not expecting it.
• When the commentators call him “Hodgkinson.”
• If Greg Inglis’ name is yelled for no apparent reason (i.e. “Here come the Queensland players, led by Cameron Smith.  Following him is Darius Boyd and GREG INGLIS!  Also, Jonathan Thurston.”)
• If someone is described as, or mentions being “an underdog.”
• If Sam Thaiday is clearly the third man into a tackle.
• If Jonathan Thurston elbows someone in the throat during a tackle.
• If Aaron Woods takes a hit-up and turns it into an ineffective wander to the line.
• Whenever a team opts for a penalty kick instead of going for the try.
•  Justin Hodges runs from dummy half.
•  Cam Smith, Thurston or Robbie Farah throws it blatantly forward.
• If Farah attempts to pass but drops the ball clean.
• A leg cramp in the last four minutes.
• The use of the word “debutante.”

Take it up a notch and have two sips:

• Whenever the commentator mentions “[player’s name] is built for Origin.”
• Whenever Origin is described as “a different brand of football.”
• When one of the commentators displays some clear bias towards their team.
• When some blatant Channel 9 cross-promotion occurs.  Have an extra drink if it’s The Block, Reno Rumble or The Voice.
• When Billy Slater kicks someone in the face.
• If Gus Gould says, “You can never write off this QLD/NSW team.”  Have a bonus couple if that team has written themselves off.
•  If a player’s bum is shown.
• Michael Jennings drops the ball in a tackle.  Bonus drink if he gets a penalty for it being ‘stripped.’
• If a try is awarded without going to the video ref.
• If a player seems to be able to get away with an obvious penalty simply because 'Origin.'

For professionals only – three sips:

• Mention of Spider-cam.  Have a bonus drink if Spider-cam is mentioned while Spider-cam is being shown. 
• If Cam Smith questions the referee and manages to change the penalty result.
•  When Gus, Wally and Rabs start discussing great players that you’ve never fucking heard of. 
•  Every time Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is inexplicably asked for an opinion about rugby league.  Have a bonus three when he mentions a lack of helmets and padding.

Crazy talk - finish your drink:

•  If a “fight” breaks out (read: a few blokes holding onto shirts and swearing at each other while the rest of the team grabs their shirts and swears), finish your drink.  Grab yourself another one during the pointless video review of nothing happening. 
• If a player is seriously injured but shows ‘true Origin spirit’ and stays on the field (broken hand/arm/dislocated shoulder etc).
• If a player is concussed, try and match their state of mind by slamming down a full drink.
• Finish your drink if the phrase “great Origin moments” is used to describe something that is happening in the game.  Finish someone else’s drink if it’s not really that special.

And the best part of Origin?  Whatever the scoreline, a Canberra Raiders legend will be taking home the trophy.  So go fuck yourself, Wayne Bennett.  

Greg Bird cracks the defence and makes a line break

It's Friday!

For a great night out with your friends, you should head to the pub for a drink. Once everyone has satiated their thirst, leave the bar and walk twenty metres down the street, then stop to try to figure out what everyone wants to do next, then walk another twenty metres before stopping to discuss it again, then repeat three to six more times until everyone becomes annoyed and just goes home.

NRL 2013 Finals Week Three: Get Down the Local

It’s handy that there has been another drug allegation pointed at the NRL this week, so we can once again ignore that we’re a week away from the Grand Final and we can put 2013 to bed and nurse the sport back to full health following a Trainspotting cold-turkey rehab session.  But with peptides. 

What the fuck are peptides anyway?  Ah fuck it, don’t tell me; I don’t really care.   

Let’s just concentrate on the important things in the game, like how the fuck are Newcastle still playing?  Seriously, Jarrod Mullen missed his Year 10 formal because he thought that he’d be finished with football in September.  Turns out his best mate hooked up with his date at the after party.  Some best mate, amirite, Jarrod? 

Roosters vs Knights

Seriously though, congrats to Newcastle for their season this year.  It’s not often that a team so bereft of talent can go so far.  I guess this is what can happen when you have a team with very few dickheads in it.  I’m also going to open up a bottle of schnapps (because it’s been sitting in my cupboard forever and I don’t really drink it and this is as good a reason as any to get rid of it) and play the “Newcastle Knights vs Sydney City Roosters Finals Drinking Game”, which probably needs a better name.

• Every time the phrase “Hollywood ending” or “Disney script” or some such bullshit is uttered by the commentators, have a drink.
• Whenever the commentators mention the word “underdog”, have a drink.
• If Sonny Bill Williams is granted a God-like status by the commentators, have a drink.
• When Sonny Bill Williams uses a shoulder-charge but no one does anything about it because he’s SBW and can do anything he fucking well wants to, have a drink. No, have two.
• When Akuila Uate’s amazing strength is acknowledged, have a drink.
• If the commentators talk about the spirit that Wayne Bennett has brought to the Newcastle side, have a drink.  If they mention this towards the end of the game when the Knights are about 20 points down and still “trying their rings off”, have two drinks. 
• When the Willie Mason vs Sonny Bill Williams “showdown” is mentioned, have a drink.
• When Willie and Sonny don’t really do anything, have another drink. 
• When players you’ve never heard of at Newcastle handle the ball, have a drink.
• When the commentators mention how dominant the players you've never heard of have been this year, have a drink.
• When James Maloney kicks it out on the full by a long way, have a drink.
• When Mitchell Pearce misses a tackle or drops the ball, have a drink (have a medical professional standing by).
• When Shaun Kenny-Dowell ignores his unmarked winger to try and get through three defenders, have a drink.  If he does get through three defenders, change the channel. 
• If Daniel Mortimer gets on the field, you have successfully travelled back in time to 2009.  Have a drink.
• If you see Kurt Gidley at any stage, drink whatever you can until he goes away.

Regardless of how drunk anyone is, this one should be a paint-by-numbers game for the Roosters, and they can paint however they fucking want, cos they’re the Roosters and they have Sonny Bill, yeah? 

Nice season, Newcastle.  See you next year.

Rabbitohs vs Manly

 A special mention should go to Manly’s Steve Matai, who will be celebrating his second consecutive game without being suspended or pretending that he’s injured.  And congrats to Sea Eagles coach Geoff Toovey, who hasn’t done poos in his pants for a week.  Here’s a lolly-pop.

Taking my/everyone’s hatred for Manly out of the equation, I just can’t see them winning, except in a horrible nightmare.  Speaking of nightmares and shit, the other night, I had a dream that my friend got me a job at a casino, and all I had to do was pretend that I was playing blackjack at one table, but making sure that the dealer at another table wasn’t cheating.  It was very hard to do.

Crack out another bottle – Galliano, perchance?  Let’s rack up some shots (and a lighter, because what’s the point of drinking Galliano if you’re not going to light it on fire first?) and play the “Manly-Warringah Northern Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs Finals Drinking Game.” 

• Whenever the cameraman finds Mrs Burgess in the crowd, have a drink.
• If Russell Crowe appears on screen, have a drink.
• When Inglis is standing around doing fucking nothing at all, but the commentators mention how he’s “attracting two and three defenders”, have a drink.
• When Inglis’ knee is mentioned, have a drink.
• When Sam Burgess does something a bit underhanded (elbow, knee, eye-gouge, ball-grab, kneeing a tackled player in the spine), have two drinks. 
• When the commentators just start referring to the Burgess brothers as “Tom” and “George”, have a drink.
• Have another drink when Mrs Burgess gets another look in.
• When the commentators wax lyrically about the history of the South Sydney club, have a drink.
• When a toothless feral wearing Manly colours gets on TV, have a drink.  Have two drinks if they’re supporters.
• When the words “Jamie Lyon” and “State of Origin” are mentioned in the same breath, have a drink.
• If you think Jamie Lyon looks sweaty and out of breath from walking down the tunnel before the game, have a drink.
• When Steve Matai gets cited for a cheap shot, have a drink. 
• When Steve Matai gives away a stupid penalty on the fifth tackle, have a drink.
• When Steve Matai goes down injured, have a drink.  Actually, you’ll have time to have two or three by the time he gets back up.
• When Brett Stewart appeals for a penalty instead of going for the ball, have a drink.
• If you can remember Ian Roberts as a player instead of a gay icon, have a drink.  Ha.  Gay.
• If Manly win, have a few drinks – you’re going to need it to get through the next week.  

Thanks for coming, Manly.  Don't mind me if I do some twerking when you lose.  Or fuck it, I'll probably be so full of licorice-flavoured alcohol goo by the end of the game, all I'll be able to do is twerk.  And then hate you the next day.  Fuck you, Manly, you fucking fucks.

  

I'm sorry, but when this comes on the Footy Show, I lose my shit.  Every time.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot...

Back in my day, a week would rarely go by without hearing about kids falling off their roof because they were trying to “fly like Superman” or being admitted to hospital with missing eyes after making ninja weapons out of rusty corrugated iron, gaffa tape and a chainsaw blade. We would risk life and limb just for that one moment that our friends would say, “Fuck, Mister Evil Breakfast; I swear you actually turned into Spider-Man just then. Also, would you like some help to straighten out your spine?” I would spit out a mouthful of blood and respond, “I fucking am Spider-Man,” before passing out.

I haven’t heard anything even remotely like that for years; the worst hijinx that kids are getting up to these days is posting “YOUR FAT!!!11 LOLZ” on some fat kid’s Facebook page, throwing an online Pokemon ball at a ‘friend’ they’ve never met and then “pwning” some “newbs” on World of Warcraft in a universe that doesn’t exist.

In an attempt to bring back senseless violence and carefree danger to the masses, I am going to pick up where I left off since stabbing my neighbour with a sword (an old fence paling) at age 12 in a dramatic recreation of what would happen if He-Man and My Little Pony ever met. As an adult, I possess the means, the money and the alcohol to surpass the backyard ninjas and pirates (and He-Man if his power sword was indeed a splintery old piece of wood) of my youth - I can become any fucking hero I want to be.

I bring to you, dear readers, and drivers of Canberra: SPEED: The Reality Event. Speed was a 1994 movie starring Keanu Reeves (winner of the Mister Evil Breakfast Award For Being The Most Awesome Human Being Ever [MEBAFBTMAHBE]) and Sandra Bullock (Mister Evil Breakfast Award For Being Fairly Hot Even Though She’s A Bit Old And Has Had To Resort To Doing “Based On A True Story” Movies [MEBAFBFHETSABOAHHTRTDBOATSM]).

The basic premise of the film is that there’s a bus that can’t drop below 55 mph or it will explode and kill the guy from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

To play Speed, I was required to don a pair of awesome sunglasses, work out for a bit (not too long though, I got tired and bored pretty quickly) and hop into my car; a 2005 Ford Focus (for the uninitiated, it’s basically the same as a rally car - it has a similar engineering TAFE course) and hit the streets.

55 miles per hour is 88.51 kilometres per hour, by the way. That’s pretty quick to maintain, and on the day that I decided to play Speed: The Reality Game, I still had some shit to do; I wasn’t going to let a bomb get in the way of me hitting up McDonalds, going for a beer and picking up some ill-thought out Ebay purchase from the Post Office.

Stupidly, I hit the magic 55mph coming out of my driveway, so I really put myself under some pressure from the get-go – could I somehow get through the Maccas drive-thru, order a large Big Mac meal, 6 nuggets and a hot apple pie whilst maintaining close to 90kmh? Turns out I couldn’t, but I was honestly let down by the fucktards at the McDonalds window, who not only technically blew me up, but also lost the lives of the passengers in the car in front of me, one behind, and at least one person in the restaurant. To top things off, they didn’t even give me my fries. In all fairness, I was yelling “I’ve got a bomb! I’ve got a bomb!” into the speaker box, which probably scared the Maccas workers a little and may have caused some unnecessary panic.

Driving whilst eating a Big Mac (and texting a few mates) at 90kmh turned out to be harder than I thought, and I “exploded” another few times on my way to the pub. I almost had a newfound respect for Sandra Bullock until I remembered that she made Miss Congeniality 2 and quickly changed my mind; in fact, I wish she had exploded in my car with me, or at the very least held my little tub of McDonalds sauce so I could dunk my McNuggets.

After a quick pint (it was three), I was ready to hit the road again, in a much better frame of mind to navigate the streets at close to 100 clicks. My game plan from here on in was to maintain speed at all time, lest I lose the last third of my McDonalds Coke to a fiery death. Leaving the pub immediately presented me with an issue as I came across a red light, so I did the right thing by the world and put my head down and sped through it. It was nice to hear other motorists cheering me on with honking horns and raising their middle finger in the universal sign for “You’re number one!” as I careered through the busy intersection. I maintained speed for another 10 minutes or so until I became bored with driving straight down the highway (keep in mind I didn’t have Sandra Bullock in her prime to keep me company) so I headed back into the suburbs to spice things up a bit.

Short story even shorter, I ended up “dousing” the “bomb” in someone’s backyard swimming pool (via three fences and after running over a dog) about four minutes later. I was hoping to inspire a new wave of children to copy some violent movies and fill the hospital emergency ward with injuries involving match-bombs and home-made nunchuks. But as the media caught wind of the events of the day, they thwarted my plans and ensured that the only injuries the youth of today will receive will be getting their chubby fingers caught in the middle of video game discs.

MasterDrinkers

As soon as the juggernaut of The Biggest Loser ends, the juggernaut that is MasterChef begins. Don’t try and pretend that there’s no irony about watching twenty fat fuckers try and halve their body weight in 12 weeks and then watching three other fat fuckers show some Peter Russell Clarke wannabes drown their food in oil and salt for another 12 weeks. However, these are two shows which have captured the imaginations of the Australian public, so what else is there to do but switch on, crack a stubbie and drink to it?

MasterChef Drinking Game

You will need:
- 1 television tuned to Channel 10 at 7:30pm
- Enough alcohol to (a) quench Lindsay Lohan’s thirst, and (b) make her attractive again
- The ability to withstand the wank that is MasterChef

The judges
There are three judges who vary in belly girth and ugliness. If they were women, they wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the screen. The fat bald one is George, the fat one with hair is Gary and the super fat one with the cravat is Matt.

- drink every time George raises his voice for emphasis at the wrong time.
- drink every time George raises himself onto his tiptoes while talking.
- drink every time George gets way too close to the food he’s preparing.
- drink every time George drops food from his mouth while eating or spits while talking with a mouthful of food.
- drink every time a joke is made about Gary being fat.
- drink every time Gary suggests something to the other judges (“Let’s eat!” or “Let’s score this dish!”) followed by “shall we?”
- drink every time Matt looks as if he’s about to vomit after eating.
- drink every time Matt’s fucking cravat is mentioned.
- drink for every time the three judges talk about how a piece of food “takes them away to another place.”
- drink whenever the judges interrupt someone cooking to ask them a stupid question and then tell them to “hurry up” as the time runs down.

The contestants
There are about a thousand contestants, ranging from some guy to a chick with glasses. None of them are chefs by trade, but all know how to cook the bejesus out of a pufferfish, so I’m thinking they might have some inside info that we don’t know about. Keep an eye out for Claire – she acts like she’s just come from the auditions of “So You Think You Can Dance” and was told that she’s rubbish and now has a point to prove.

- drink every time a contestant cries.
- an extra drink if they cry due to the food “affecting them” in a “personal way” or
- if they’re crying because “it’s just too hard.”
- drink when the contestant fucks something up while cooking.
- drink whenever the contestant vows not to let being kicked off the show stop them from achieving their dream.
- drink every time the contestant is obviously being told to say that they can “taste the acidic citric flavour cutting through the sweet velvet essence” (or equivalent) when all they’re really doing is eating lemon pie with vanilla ice cream.
- drink whenever the contestants get to meet a “celebrity chef” and they all act like 12 year old girls at a Justin Beiber concert instead of a bunch of grown-ups meeting someone who’s a slightly better cook than they are.
- drink whenever a contestant claims that they’re “not ready to go home yet.”

If you can make it through one episode without passing out, you’re a better man than I. Bon appetit!

Warning: Objects in this picture are as wanky as they appear

Don't dry for me, Argentina

Just quietly, if anyone pours me a beer like this, you'll be tasting crowbar for a week.

To celebrate the holiday of Day Ending in Y, I went down to the pub with some mates for a quick beer. Being in the festive spirit, I decided that I would get the first shout. I sidled up to the bar with the other party-goers partaking in "Day Ending in Y" shenanigans to order my drinks. I looked at the beer options that were available: Premium Dry. Super Dry. Extra Dry.

How dry do people need their beers? Stupendously Dry? Really Really Dry? Or what if you didn't want it to be too dry - would you have a schooner of A Little Dry or Sorta Dry? Where's Fairly Dry and Could Be Dryer? What does Not Dry At All taste like? Will I die without drinking the goodness of A Little Bit Dry But Not So Bad That You Need A Glass Of Water?

How long will it be until we're ordering pints of sand? And will there be different Dry factors of sand? Will I order a few pints of Sand Mega Dry? And will Sand Mega be any different to Sand Ultra Dry?

Anyway... which Dry can claim to be the Dryest?

Some dictionary somewhere defines 'dry' as "free from liquid or moisture; lacking natural or normal moisture or depleted of water; or no longer wet; such as 'dry land'; 'dry clothes'; 'a dry climate.'"

At first glance, these beers appear to fly in the face of this definition, as they seemed to be entirely made up of liquid. Perhaps a closer inspection is required. Upon tipping each beer onto the floor, it became apparent that they were quite wet indeed.

Note: I should do these sorts of experiments outside, or at least not over my carpet.

No points are awarded to any of these beers for dryness, but one point goes to the towel which I used to mop it up with.
Score after round 1:

Super - 0

Extra - 0

Premium - 0

Towel - 1

The next part of my magic dictionary says, "humorously sarcastic or mocking; 'dry humor"; 'an ironic remark often conveys an intended meaning obliquely'; 'an ironic novel'; 'an ironical smile'; 'with a wry Scottish wit.'" I spent an hour watching Two and a Half Men and registered its humour level. I then spent an hour watching each beer and continued my vigilant note taking. It is as follows: Nothing happened.

It seems there was no irony to be found, and no sarcastic tones were included with my beer. Just in case, I also watched my towel for a while. I guess it was entertaining, but in no way was it humorous, and even less Scottish.
Score after round 2:

Super - 0

Extra - 0

Premium - 0

Towel - 1

Strangely, the next dictionary definition was "not producing milk; 'a dry cow.'" I've had milk before, and it's quite different to beer. For this experiment, I attempted to milk a beer, with no success. Each beer receives one point for being as "dry as a dry cow." Well done, beers. I then squeezed out my towel, and found that it was producing beer that it had soaked from my carpet. Nice work, towel. However, the definition definitely asks for milk. So another point to the towel.
Score after round 3:

Super - 1

Extra - 1

Premium - 1

Towel - 2

The next definition: "lacking interest or stimulation; dull and lifeless."
For this experiment, I decided to drink the beer. The first beer (Super Dry) was very nice on the tastebuds, and I guess it was interesting - there were some ingredients written on the beer label, so that kept me occupied for a minute. 5 cents refund for recycling it in South Australia. Very interesting.

After it was finished, I was stimulated to drink the Extra Dry. Again, some literature was included on the bottle; a point scored there. 5 cents back in SA as well. I should move there; I'd be rich.

After I had drank the Extra Dry, I was stimulated to keep drinking.

The Premium Dry was also quite interesting. There may have been something written on the lid, but my eyes were a bit foggy, so I'm not entirely sure. 5 cents back if you're in South Aus. That's fucking it, I'm moving there. Don't try and stop me. After I had finished the Premium Dry, I was stimulated to wrap the towel around my shoulders and 'fly' around my house. Now THAT was interesting. Then I was stimulated to fall asleep. Points all round!
Score after round 4:

Super - 2

Extra - 2

Premium - 2

Towel - 3

Conclusion:

After four rounds, it is safe to say that each beer is wetter than it is dry, with no discernible dryness-level difference between them, with few (if any) cow qualities. A towel seems to be a lot more dry. For your next pub engagement, I recommend asking for a pint of towel if you're after something dry. Otherwise, enjoy your beer the way it was intended - wet.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Five drinking games

Some people have a habit of drinking too much over the festive season, so in the interest of promoting binge drinking, I’m adding to the cause.

These posts are getting really long. Can't wait for the twelfth day of Christmas, huh?

Drinking for Athletes
This one’s a classic and is guaranteed to get you all kinds of messy, pretty much regardless of which sport you choose. The idea is to get a group of friends around to watch a sporting event – football, soccer, Aussie Rules, cricket, lawn bowls, whatever. Everyone is assigned a player participating in the match to keep their eye on, and they must drink every time that player is mentioned by the commentators or handles the ball. I would advise against enforcing both rules, as there’s only so much alcohol a person is meant to consume, and if your sporting choice is rugby league, union or cricket, try and avoid picking the hooker, scrum half or wicket-keeper. Some players in a team touch the ball way too much. If the commentators mention the team name (i.e. Raiders, Australia), then everyone who is drinking for a player on that team (Alan Tongue, Ricky Ponting) must drink as well.

You might also want to grab a pie or something before the kick-off, because you’ll need some kind of stomach lining. Maybe two pies; sometimes one pie just leaves you with a need for more pie.

“Marshall (drink) kicks ahead, Billy Slater (drink) collects the ball, looks to go the short side, runs into the shoulder of Adam Blair (drink), Slater’s (drink) in trouble now as New Zealand (group drink) drag him towards the sideline… OH! Billy Slater (drink) has thrown the ball away, and Benji Marshall (drink) has picked the ball up as easy as you like and scored the simplest of tries. Billy Slater (drink) has had a brain explosion! Australia (group drink) are gone, this game belongs to the New Zealanders (group drink) tonight!”

Beer Jenga
Beer Jenga was invented sometime in the 4th Century. In the mid 1900s, it was reinvented using wooden blocks. Most of the fun was lost.

What you will need is a lot of bottled beer and some ground on a slight slope. Arrange your beers lying on the ground (stacking them is asking for a lot of lost beer and a sober night) so that they are not rolling anywhere downhill, but precariously balanced to do so. Each player takes a turn to remove a beer from the ‘tower’, slot an empty bottle somewhere in the tower, and try not to cause an avalanche of bottles. Note: If an avalanche does occur, players are free to grab as many beers from the tower as they can, including any from the person who caused the jenga to fall.

CSI
Thankfully, with the current popularity of forensic science on television, you can’t really escape CSI in any of its variations. I’m not exactly positive how different all of the location shows are (seriously, a murder in New York is surely a bit similar to a murder in Miami, right?) One good thing about CSI though, is that it’s not Bones. Why is Bones on so much? I’d rather watch Gordon Ramsay. No I wouldn’t. I’d rather force a live scorpion into my eye.

Anyway, this game requires a television, some alcohol (your choice), and a little TV show called CSI. Let’s roll.

• 1 drink whenever anyone uses the term “DNA.”
• 1 drink whenever anyone is swabbed for DNA.
• 2 drinks whenever the forensic investigator finds a microscopic piece of evidence in a large, dark and cluttered room by instantly honing their torch beam onto it.
• 1 drink when a computer is used to perform complete bullshit data analysis.
• 2 drinks when a photograph segment is blown up beyond all proportion without blurring or loss of detail. Bonus drink if that photo comes from a mobile phone.
• One drink whenever “The Lab” is shown – Jesus, can someone please turn on some fucking lights in there? If you’ve ever been in a real forensics lab checking semen samples (I have pretty quiet weekends), then you know that they’re actually fluorescent lit, horribly uncomfortable places. Not the CSI labs; hell no. Their headquarters was designed by robot versions of the guys from Queer Eye.
• 1 drink whenever one of the investigators offers way too much information on a particular subject, as if they’ve been studying it their entire lives (eg. mating rituals of bees, car prototypes from the 1960s), so what sounds like a forensics lecture gets incorporated into what's supposed to be casual conversation. A bonus drink if they give a reason as to why they know so much. (“I spent a lot of time with my uncle, who had a beehive.” “My ex-boyfriend was a car nut.”)
• 2 drinks when anyone gets a DNA result done in the time it takes another character to get a coffee.
• 1 drink whenever a CSI member leads the SWAT team into a building.
• 2 drinks when a CSI chick beats up a way bigger guy with CSI-brand ninjitsu. Bonus drink if the beating is preceded by a smug remark regarding the fact that she has a vagina.
• 1 drink whenever sunglasses are put on or removed (danger: this could get messy, as apparently Miami fluctuates between being the brightest and darkest place on earth every fifteen seconds).
• 1 drink whenever someone suddenly becomes overwhelmed by the spirit of Mr Miyagi and spouts some bullshit philosophy about “feeling empty when you’re at your most full.” Bonus drink if it’s NOT Horatio, Gary Sinise or the guy with the beard.
• 1 drink if you’re either still awake or still have alcohol left.
  

Action Drinks
This is a generic drinking game for those nights in when you’ve got some mates around and you’re watching a rubbishly good action flick on TV or DVD. The dodgier the action movie, the better. I would recommend anything from the 80s or 90s.

• 1 drink when the main character displays a fatal flaw. 2 drinks if this flaw is alcoholism.
• 1 drink when the main character is seen smoking a cigarette.
• 1 drink whenever the main character draws his gun.
• 1 drink when the main character drops his gun.
• 1 drink when the main character gets shot. Bonus drink if he limps for the rest of the scene but is fine thereafter.
• 1 drink whenever the romantic interest chick shows disdain towards the main character.
• 1 drink when he shares a touching personal story about his past with romantic interest chick. Bonus drink if this leads to them having the sex. Two bonus drinks if you see boob.
• 1 drink if the main character is a cop. 1 drink whenever he gets his arse chewed by his boss. 2 drinks when he is inevitably “taken off the case.”
• 1 drink whenever the geeky sidekick comes in handy for hacking computers. A bonus drink if his hacking ability is shown by him typing “download secret file” or something equally stupid.
• 1 drink whenever shots are fired from moving vehicles.
• 1 drink when two bad guys’ cars crash into each other.
• 1 drink if there’s a conveniently placed ramp that allows a car to become airborne and flip over.
• 1 drink every time a car becomes airborne. Bonus drink if it creates sparks when it lands.
• 1 drink if a car is driven the wrong way down the street. Seriously, this would not be as easy as they make it seem.
• 1 drink if the main character knows how to ride a motorbike. Bonus drink if he ever takes control of a helicopter or plane.
• 1 drink for an over-the-top explosion.
• 1 drink if a bad guy comes back from the dead. Bonus drink if they come back to shoot one bullet into the sidekick. Another bonus drink for the soliloquy that the sidekick then gives before dying.
• 1 drink every time the bad guys shoot at the main character, only to have the bullets deflect off a thin metal rail in front of him.
• 1 drink if the bad guys have the main character backed in a confined space (alley, hallway) and yet still can’t shoot straight.
• 1 drink whenever the main character outruns machine gun fire.
  1 drink for any sequence of slow-motion action (caution: avoid movies directed by John Woo).
• 1 drink for a decapitation. Bonus drink for a bad one-liner following the death of a bad guy.
• 1 drink if there’s a bomb with a generous timer involved.
• 1 drink if the main guy runs after a car or other vehicle and manages to catch it.
• 1 drink for a catchphrase.

Christmas Drinks
It’s beginning to look a smidge like Christmas – so grab a can/bottle/glass of whatever is being dished out at Christmas this year and deck the halls with holly and shit and stuff.

This is a covert game that should be played by yourself or with a single partner. It’s always fun to get loaded in front of your parents and pretend that you’re not retarded.

• 1 drink when you arrive at your parent’s house. You should have a beer in hand before you kiss your mum.
• 1 drink if you sit down under the tree to find out if you have more presents than your siblings do. Have a bonus drink if you do. Have two bonuses if you don’t. Count again if you’re all even – don’t trust your parents when they say they love all of you equally.
• 1 drink at each sign of a fight between your parents. You should also continue to offer drinks to your parents; it will either calm them or infuriate them further.
• 1 drink for it being ridiculously hot at Christmas time in Australia (except for last year; that was ridiculous in a whole new way).
• 1 drink for each relative/neighbour who pops around for a “Christmas drink” or “to say hello.”
• 1 drink each time you see or hear the neighbourhood kids riding brand new bikes in the street or playing with remote control cars. Bonus drink if you hear them stack it. Two bonus drinks if they cry. Three bonuses if you caused it.
• 1 drink each time your mum sings along to the Christmas carol CD she insists on playing every year. Where do people get these CDs anyway?
• 1 drink per present you get (two drinks per present if you don’t get that many).
• 1 drink for each price-tag that’s left on your gifts. That’ll teach mum for wrapping presents after a few wines.
• 1 drink when your parents aren’t sure what to do with the present you got them. Bonus drink if it requires more than one explanation as to how it works/what to do with it.
• Another drink if it dawns on you at that moment that it’s really not such a good gift after all.
• 1 drink if your mum buys you a pair of pants and then insists that you try them on. 1 bonus drink if they fit; 2 bonus drinks if she decides they need to be “taken up”. 3 bonus drinks if she does it within the day.
• 1 drink if you suspect your dad of joining in your drinking game.
• 1 drink per Christmas cracker that has shit toys in it. To save time, just have twelve drinks now.
• 1 drink when your dad offers the inevitable, “Well, that’s Christmas for another year.”
• 1 drink for when your parents nod off in armchairs.
• 1 drink if your parents are trying to make you grow up by giving you bedsheets and saucepans instead of video games, CDs and action figures.
• 1 drink because it’s Christmas.
• 1 drink every time someone has to head down to the shop for more ice, more beer, or some bizarre sauce that only ever gets used at Christmas.
• 1 drink for each Christmas special that you watch on TV. Bonus drink if it involves snow. Two bonus drinks if it’s Australian and involves snow. Three bonus drinks if you watched that same special last year.
• 1 drink if you make it through more than 20 minutes of a religious special on TV before tuning in to ‘A Very Smurfy Christmas’ or ‘Alf’s Christmas.’
• 1 drink per generic “Merry Christmas” text message you receive.
• 1 drink for each take-away container of leftover food your parents try to send you home with.
  

Merry Christmas and don’t drink and drive – it’s double demerits, stupid.

Five drinking games, four random reviews, three ways to get rich, too many beers and a bright shiny new crowbar.

people with games and stories to tell

Regular readers of this blog might have come to the conclusion that I enjoy heading to the pub for a cold beer every now and again. Some of you out there might agree with me. Some of you out there might even drink with me, so cheers (your shout) if that's the case.

There are a few games that you can play whilst you're drinking at the pub - and I'm not talking about darts or pool, because I'm useless at both of those. Same with Big Game Hunter and those golf video games where you have to roll your hand over the magic button ball thing. If they had Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat or Golden Axe at pubs, I'd probably never leave. But the games I'm talking about are the ones you play at your table while you chat and drink with your friends.

Game 1: Beer-ringed octopus

Simply take your frosty schooner of beer and leave it on the table (no coaster) for a few seconds. Lift it up and take a drink. Put it down again, in a slightly different spot on the table. Lift it up again and look at the beginning of your masterpiece. Keep sipping and using the condensation from your glass to make a pretty picture. The rules here are simple: You must drink before placing your glass back down to add a new circle or stroke. You will also need to act quickly, because those beer-rings won't stay around forever.
* points are awarded by the other members of the table for artistic merit


Game 2: The Missing Drink

When one of your drinking buddies is distracted by a hot bartender, another attractive bar patron or a television screen, take their drink and exchange it for yours. This is an especially fun game if they have a lot more in their glass than you do, and don't realise until one of you has finished your drink. Bonus points are awarded if they are drinking something different to you.
* 1 bonus point if it's a different brand/flavour beer
* 2 bonus points if they are drinking a mixed spirit and you exchange it for beer/a different spirit
* 3 bonus points if you don't exchange your drink at all and finish both
- 2 points for getting caught in the swapping act
- 1 point if they pick it after their initial sip
- 4 points if you exchange it for a drink with less in it than your own


Game 3: (Hair of the) Shaggy Dog

This one should be kept for later in the drinking session when everyone's had a few, and tongues have been loosened by a substantial amount of alcohol. It's that point in the night where everything is funny and everyone has something to add.

The object of the game is to tell a story or a joke off the cuff, derailing all other conversations through the anticipation that your story will be entertaining, funny or promote further conversation. The idea is to keep your audience spellbound and hanging on every word, despite your story not having a clear beginning, middle or end. A great way to frustrate your companions is to complicate every detail of your story. Instead of saying "a few days ago at work..." try this: "a few days ago, like, last Wednesday... or Tuesday... no, it wasn't Tuesday, that was the day I had training, so it must have been Wednesday, because I had to go to the shop to get my lunch because I left it on the bench at home, and I went to Subway and ran into a guy from school who was coming out of the bookshop... anyway, so on Wednesday, my friend... well, not really my friend, it's my friend's ex-boyfriend, who used to go out with Kate from uni... not the Kate you know, a different Kate who was in one of my tutes in first year..." by this stage, you should have confused people as to whether this story is about you, the guy from school, Kate, your friend's ex-boyfriend, Subway or your own work.
* 1 point if you can keep everyone's attention for 2 minutes.
* 2 points if you actually make it to a discernable "ending". 2 bonus points if you can then create a sequel.
* 3 points if someone then prompts you with a genuine, "Then what happened?"
-1 if you get interrupted within the first 30 seconds.
-1 if you lose more than half your audience after your first 'complication'.


Game 4: Drink to forget

It's your round at the bar, you need to get four beers and a bourbon. Come back to the table with the drinks with three beers and two bourbons, and convince someone that they ordered a bourbon.
* 1 point if he takes the drink but is a bit miffed.
* 2 points if you succeed in convincing him.
* 3 points if he apologises for disbelieving you.
- 2 points if you are forced to go back to the bar to get the right drink.


Game 5: Tower of Beerbell

The Tower of Beerbell is a race to build a tower of empty beer glasses on your table. By the sixth glass, the tower starts to lean quite precariously, so more care needs to be taken when stacking. It is a contest against another person or team that is sitting on your table, as well as a challenge against the bar staff who are collecting the empties. Once the first tower is collected, simply begin again and try to beat your previous mark.
* 1 point if you stack more glasses than your opponent
* 3 points if you stack more glasses in round 2 than you did in round 1
-2 points if the bar staff collect before your tower has reached its third tier
-3 points if you get asked not to build any more towers by the bar staff
-5 points if your tower collapses


Game 6: Pub Idol

The idea of this game is to hum or sing a line from a well-known song, and continue it for as long as it takes for someone else to pick it up.
* 1 point if you get the whole table singing with you.
* 2 points if it only needed one line.
* 4 points if it spreads to strangers at another table.
* 100 points if it involves the whole bar.
-2 points if no-one picks it up after 5 repetitions
-5 points if someone succeeds in the same song that you failed in.

Game on!

couple of ducks, 22...

The weather's getting warmer, it's time to crack out your favourite beverage, leave work early so you're on the couch by 5:30pm and tune the telly to Channel 7. It's Deal or No Deal time.

Deal or No Deal is otherwise known as "The Suitcase Game" is played thusly: some lucky punter picks a suitcase out of a group of 26. Each case has an amount of cash inside it, from 50 cents to $200 000. You open each of the other cases in random order, hoping to reveal the smaller cash amounts. At the end of each round, the "banker" will offer you some money, the amount of which depends on the cases that you have already opened. If you're happy with the amount of cash offered from the bank, you can accept that money ("deal") and forego whatever actual amount was in the original suitcase you picked. If you're not happy with that amount, you keep picking suitcases ("no deal") either until you are happy with the bank offer, or you have run out of suitcases to eliminate.

Easy eh?

If you're confused, don't worry - this is a game of pure luck. There isn't a way to be 'good' or 'bad' at it - if you knock out all the big numbers in the beginning, you're fucked. But it's not your fault. It's a gamble, plain and simple. There's a 1 in 26 chance that you've got $200,000. There's a 25 in 26 chance that you don't. If you find yourself fucked after one round, don't worry, you're not a shit person, you've just had a shit time on national television.

So, charge your glasses and let's kick your afternoon off nicely:

Deal or No Deal: The Drinking Game

– one drink each time the contestant says, "I came with nothing, I'll leave with nothing!"
– one drink when the contestant's friend says to take the deal and the contestant doesn't listen to them
– two drinks if the contestant then fucks up badly
– one drink whenever the contestant's friend says, "It's up to you." Thanks for your help.
– one drink whenever it looks like a friendship/marriage could be torn apart by this game
– one drink when the contestant's wife is in the crowd and shows the country who wears the pants in the relationship
– one drink when the contestant looks like they're ready to bail after the first bank offer
– three drinks if they do
– four drinks if Andrew O'Keefe manages to pad out the rest of the show
– two drinks when one of the suitcase holders picks the right amount
– one drink when you reckon they have to edit out the contestant saying, "Fuck!" or if the contestant literally wets themselves when they knock out $200 000
– one drink when anyone has a spot of trouble opening up a suitcase
– one drink if the contestant gives a reason for picking a particular number
– two drinks per reason if this continues past the first ad break
– three drinks if it goes past the second ad
– one drink when Andrew O'Keefe says, "Now we have to go for broke!" when all help seems lost – one drink when the contestant does a really stupid version of "No deal!"
– one drink if the contestant plans to "take the family to [random foreign country]"
– one drink every time Andrew O'Keefe makes a reference to that country
– one drink whenever that trip becomes a bit cheaper (i.e. the whole family travelling around the world becomes contestant and partner travelling around the world, which becomes them on a tour of Australia, which becomes a drive to Queensland, which becomes a bus trip to Sydney, which becomes a free tram ride to the shops to grab a newspaper, which becomes thieving the newspaper from your neighbour). (I think you get the idea...)
– one drink when the news headlines come on (just in case you're not drinking enough)
– two drinks when the decision to deal or not deal is so tough that Andrew O'Keefe calls for an audience vote
– one drink when the contestant takes into serious account a random stranger's opinion regarding how much money they think is in their suitcase
– three drinks if the contestant wins less than the people who picked the right amount in their suitcase

Imagine how many shots you could do for $200,000.

That’d be awesome. I’ll drink to that!

drinking makes you sexy

Drinking Game #2 - Big Brother

For those of us who are just too lazy to change the channel at 7pm after Neighbours, make sure there's a bottle of your favourite liquor under the couch, and make BB even more fun than watching random strangers talk about their toenail clippings.

- 1 shot every time someone says “at the end of the day”.
- 2 shots whenever someone says “I love you” to one of the perfect strangers they’ve been whored up with. Have two more shots if that perfect stranger is either Cousin Larry or Balky Bartogamoose.
- 1 shot whenever there’s a shot of a famewhore in a bikini sitting next to a bloke in three jackets and beanie, just so she can get her tits on tv one more time. And hey, cold weather brings out the nips, which brings in the viewers, which sells famewhore magazines.
- when a previous housemate (from any season):
- is actually heard of again (1 shot).
- heard of again in a positive light (2 shots).
- seen with their boobs hanging out in ‘Zoo’, ‘Ralph’ or ‘FHM’ (1 shot).
- 1 shot each time you see a guy wearing a beanie but not a shirt.
- 1 shot if someone on the show calls being in the house “an experience” or “a journey” rather than a “three month holiday”.
- 2 shots whenever one of the female housemates starts talking about how fat or unattractive she is, just so the fatter and more unattractive housemates can tell her that she’s beautiful.
- 1 shot whenever someone fixes their hair in one of the million mirrors in the house. Hey, better make sure you look good, just in case one of the cameras captures you with a bad hair moment.
- 2 shots if someone claims not to care about the prize money – win it and we’ll see how much you don’t care. Give it to me if it’s really all about “the experience”.
- 1 shot if the phrase “under the radar” comes out.
- 2 shots when you’re not sure if the show is hosted by a haggis or if Gretel Kileen really is still alive.
- 2 shots when someone describes themselves as “wild, crazy and outrageous” but are really just dumb sluts.
- 1 shot if someone says “stirring the pot”.
- 2 shots whenever someone asks the token gay bloke about being homosexual, as if they were from a different planet. “So, can you still eat chicken?”
- 1 shot whenever you think Mike Goldman has just had a fresh line of Wizz Fizz.
- 2 shots when the ‘intellectual’ housemate invents a word to try and talk down to a ‘retarded’ housemate (e.g. “I love the diversality of this place. It’s got such a culturalisation.”)
- 2 shots whenever one of the housemates reveals a very ‘special’, ‘spiritual’ and ‘emotional’ secret or moment with the other window lickers, breaks down in tears and receives lots of hugs and “we love ya, mate”’s. 3 shots if this is during a week when that particular spastic is up for eviction.
- 5 shots if you vote for the numpties in the house.

With three BB shows on daily, attempting this game may seriously damage (or end) your life.

Bottoms up!

fancy a tipple?

Mister Evil Breakfast’s Drinking Games
#1. The Biggest Loser

This is the most frustratingly frustrating television show since Chances. To spice it up a little, why not make a bit of a game of it?

For this, you will need:

* 1 television that picks up The Biggest Loser (without this, you’re pretty much just left drinking, which may not be such a bad thing)
* 1 couch or chair (recommended)
* a case of tequila (personal choice), a bucket of lemons & as much salt as is legal for one person to own

Let’s play!

- take a shot each time the tubbies are shown sitting around bitching about how hard life is, rather than exercising and not being so fucking fat (warning: excessive drinking is imminent).
- take a shot whenever Ajay has a vague look on her face (warning: can get dangerous).
- drink each time there’s any kind of recap (warning: each show contains about 2 minutes of new footage).
- shoot whenever someone mentions Damien being “an inspiration”.
- have a drink whenever Laura cries (warning: a funnel may be necessary).
- drink whenever Courtney talks about “playing the game.”
- have a shot when Shannan gets all excited about nothing. Seriously, is this guy the Crocodile Hunter for fat bastards or what?
- take a drink whenever someone “hurts” themselves and can’t participate, then complains that things are “just not fair.”
- shoot whenever Greg mentions that he’s the “strongest”, “fittest” or “fastest” in the game (make it a round 5 drinks if it’s all three).
- take three shots if you ever think “yeah, he/she is looking hot”. You sick puppy.
- take a shot when Munnalita acts like the world is against her.
- shoot whenever someone adds a useless voiceover (for example, when the screen shows the tubbies going into the gym, and there’s a shot of Mel saying, “And we went into the gym for a workout.” Fuck that shits me. I hate this show).
- chug when someone mentions their “journey”. You’re losing weight, you fat fucks, you’re not going anywhere.
- shoot if you see an ex-contestant (a) eating vegetables and looking happy; (b) running awkwardly and pretending they’re enjoying themselves; (c) playing with children and wishing they were in front of the couch with a bag of chips; or (d) showing you a pair of oversized trousers.

And that’s the way we play. Just remember: It doesn’t matter how much you vomit or for how long you’re passed out for after attempting this – you can take solace in the fact that you’re not an overweight media whore.

See you on next year’s Subway ads, Damo!