Married At First Sight 2019 application

Australia’s favourite secret shame of free-to-air television viewing has returned for another season of poorly-scripted reality drama and Instagram models looking for a call-up to the next season of Dancing with the Stars. 

I figured that I am ready to “find love” and go on “a journey” because I “deserve to be happy” and I’m sick of “dating” like a “normal person”, so I decided to apply to Married At First Sight to partake in this amazing “social experiment” that is in no way like putting a bunch of roosters in a box and watching them disembowel each other. 

Here is my ACTUAL application for the show.  I watched the first episode last night, so I don’t think I was successful. 

I apologise for any formatting fuck-ups, it's a pretty long application and they use different fonts and settings for it, so it really doesn't translate too well here.

Are you single and looking for the love of your life?  

No.  Wait, I mean yes.  Yes. I am very interested in finding my keys… I mean love LOVE LOVE.  I am very interested in finding love. 

Are you tired of swiping left in bars and want to find your perfect match?  

You don’t swipe left in bars.  I think you’ve mixed up “going outside” with “not going outside”.

Do you know of someone who deserves a partner to fulfill their dreams?  

I thought this was meant to be about me.  Also, do you know how to spell “fulfil”?  You don’t, by the way.

Are you ready to put your heart on the line and settle down?  

Not at all, but I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for either. 

Married at First Sight is searching for men and women of ALL ages and backgrounds and diversity who are genuinely ready to commit to love. This groundbreaking social experiment is returning and will continue to help Australian singles find their potential lifelong partner using the science of matchmaking.

The term "science of matchmaking" might just be a little bit misleading, but I am not proficient in the "science of using the word 'science' to make idiots think this is real".    

There’s just one catch.......you’ll meet for the first time on your wedding day.
Yes, I am aware of that.  It's in the title of your show.

This is not a competition and there is no cash prize.
Oh.  In that case, could I borrow $20?
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to find LOVE.
It's not though, is it?

 

---

What is your height in Centimetres ** It is important you measure yourself for an accurate reading**

Thank you, I understand how measuring something is the most accurate way of getting an accurate reading.  I’m assuming that the bar for this show isn’t being set that high.  I appreciate how exact height measurements is important when it comes to pretending to be married to someone. 

When I was at uni, there was this one time my friend and I were waiting for a class to start, and he pulls a tape measure out of his bag – I think it was like one that you get in a pack of condoms.  To pass the time, we started taking bets on how big things were – like the length of the desk, wrist circumference, etc.  For a long time, we would estimate the height of stuff, like "How tall do you think that mailbox is?" and we'd have a guess then we’d measure it (with a real tape measure).  We used to keep a tally going for years.  I was winning at last count, so I'm pretty good at measuring with my eyes.

What is your weight (in KGs)?

About 75kgs actually. There's no joke or story behind this, it's just what I weigh.  

Tell us about your upbringing and relationship with your parents.

We moved around a lot – I guess that was typical of a family of surfing bank robbers on the run from the FBI.  My dad was pretty strict; he was a police officer who threatened to send me to military school if I failed my history class.  I was able to pass thanks to the help of some friends and a magical time-travelling phone booth.  I wish I had that same phone booth when I thwarted a crazy guy from blowing up a busload of passengers, boy that would have made it easier!  Later, I would live in a different universe to a girl I met on that bus, and we’d send postcards to each other in the same house.   

What did your parents teach you about love?

My parents believed that children are the future.  “Teach them well and let them lead the way.” They showed them all the beauty they possessed inside & gave them a sense of pride to make it easier.  I let the children's laughter remind me how I used to be.  Everybody’s searching for a hero; people need someone to look up to - I never found anyone to fulfil my needs.  It was a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me.  I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadows; if I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe.  No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity.

Because the greatest love of all is happening to me.  I found the greatest love of all inside of me.  The greatest love of all is easy to achieve; learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

What will be your parent’s reaction to you being on MAFS? Will they be supportive or against the idea?

Probably against it, to be honest.  I reckon my mum will actually try to run me over. 

Who do you live with?

My wife No one.

How would your friends describe you?

Hilarious; the funniest guy in the world. Also the most handsome and athletic and dresses really well and is super rich. 

What would your family say are your worst character traits?

Lying, narcissism. 

What are you passionate about, tell us about your hobbies and life interests.

Spear fishing.  It’s seriously all I can think about some days.  Just standing there, poised at the edge of the water with my spear and trying not. to. make. any. movement so I don’t scare away the fish.  It is quite cathartic for me, to put myself into a kind of meditative frame of mind for so long just standing there with my spear gun.  Apparently the lifeguard at the pool didn’t find it quite as calming, nor did the mothers of the swim school. 

List three things about yourself that are interesting or unexpected.

1.  I still actively use my Yahoo mail address.

2.  I do my crosswords with a motherfucking pen, because fuck you, that’s why.  Also, I can never find a pencil.

3.  It took me three attempts to watch that XXX movie with Vin Diesel in it because I kept falling asleep during it.  I still don’t think I’ve seen it all, but that’s ok because I don’t think it’s actually a very good film.

What is your greatest regret / biggest mistake in life?

Undertaking this application is probably right up there.

What do you love to do in your spare time?

I’m a fairly simple guy, I like to keep in shape and eat healthily, but still find time to meet up with friends for a frosty beverage or to watch movies, read books and listen to music.  Life be too short not to enjoy thar simple things in loife, lest ye be walkin’ the plank wi’ Davy Jones n tharother landlubbin scurvy scoundrel. 

I also enjoy pirating. 

Talk me through your perfect Saturday night.

Why, are you free?  My Saturday nights usually involve a whole lot of lube and a bottle of wine.  

  

Are you someone who embraces change or do you prefer security within your comfort zones?

Let’s just say that the other day I drank milk straight out of the bottle without checking the expiration date.  Yeah, I guess you could say that I live life pretty much on the edge. 

The milk was bad, by the way, and I almost vomited in the sink, but most of it went straight into the cutlery drawer.  That reminds me, I really should clean that out.

Do you have any children?

Yes.  Some of which I will actually admit to. 

Would you like children or more children if you already have some?

Sure, as long as they’re good looking and successful and smart and shit. 

Please list links to all of your social media accounts. Eg Facebook, Twitter etc.

Facebook.com, Twitter.com etc.com  I had an Instagram.com account but it was hacked by some fucken Russian guy, so now I don’t know what to do.  I had like 5 photos on it and followed about 8 people so my life is pretty much over now. 

Tell us about your current living situation.

It’s not a tale for the faint-hearted.  I live a life of intrigue and mystery.  I have a house, and I built a wall down the middle of it, so I have like an apartment on *this* side and an apartment on *that* side.  In *this* apartment I have furniture, clothes, food, books, my cat.  In *that* apartment, I have different furniture, different clothes, different food, different books, different cat.  So I live on one side for a while until I get tired of it and I take off my clothes and put my book down on the counter and move to the other side and I plan to keep flip-flopping like this until I die. 

What is one major thing about yourself that you’ve never told anyone?

When I got an injection at the doctors, I said that it didn’t even hurt, but it really did.

Are you seeking a relationship with a man or a woman?

I’m a modern guy living in a modern world. You throw someone at me and I’ll do my best to tonk them.

What is your current relationship status?

(This answer is a drop-down selection, with “married” being included along with dating, in a relationship, engaged, de facto and other).  Naturally, I picked other.

            select Single Dating In a relationship Engaged De Facto Married Divorced Widowed Separated Other

If other, please elaborate:

Married

Help us understand why you are looking for love.

Aren’t we all just looking for love?  The yin to our yang, the Cheech to our Chong, the buttonhole to our corresponding button?  The ocean to our dolphin, the Wolverine claws to our Wolverine, the petals to our flower?  The pen to our paper, the workchair to our desk, the coffee to our mug, the staples to our stapler, the mousepad to our mouse, the “to do” list on my desk, the “final warning” email in my inbox, the meetings with human resources. 

What are some of the challenges you have faced on your search for true love.

Probably just being too good looking, you know?  Also, I went through a phase of wanting to have a man bun.  I don’t have one, by the way, but I’ve definitely thought about it, but my hair doesn’t really grow like that, you know? 

Note: this year’s season of Married At First Sight has a guy who describes himself as being “too good looking” and another guy with a man bun.

What qualities are important to you when it comes to friends and partners?

I’m a pretty simple, down-to-earth person, so I really look for easy-going, gullible rich people who are somehow still desperate for company and have a penchant for hard drugs and liquor. 

What qualities do you dislike in other people?

You know how people are rude to customer service workers, like checkout operators and waiters and flight attendants and everyone hates those people because they don’t deserve that?  I hate those people.  Fuck the waiters. Go get me a drink, or bring me salad or something.  I'm not paying for this.  

Would you like to get married one day?

Like, for real or just a pretend marriage like in this show, or when you were four years old and you dressed up and married the girl down the end of your street?  Because they both rank about equal on the “marriage” scale.

If yes, what is your ideal timeframe?

I couldn’t do anything til after 2pm. 

Are you open to talking about love honestly?

The movie is called Love Actually, you dickhead.  And I will talk about it for several minutes until I realise that I keep getting it confused with a Katherine Heigel film. 

Have you ever been married?

I’m not going to lie to you about this, beat around the bush, change the subject or steer the conversation away from answering this very, very important question, so all I will say is that I absolutely, positively, 100% can wholeheartedly say that in all honesty, there is a very high and probable chance and inevitability that at some point, in the past, that there have been people who would be likely to say that they have indeed been involved in a marriage.

When was your last relationship and how long did it last for?

It didn’t take very long, to be honest, but I’m taking pills for that. 

Approximately how many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?

As many as it takes, tiger. 

Have you ever tried to find love online?

There’s so much stuff online that it’s ridiculous.  I deadset can’t keep up with it.  You go out looking for a t-shirt, and all of a sudden you’re up to your eyeballs in porn, and then there’s an ad for some sexy singles in my area looking to hook up with me.  It’s all very flattering, and who am I to deny them?  

What other methods have you used to find love?

The rhythm method, the pull-out method.  I tried reverse cowboy but I threw out my hip.

Would you describe yourself as lonely?

Aren’t we all just a little bit lonely sometimes?  And fuck off for being so judgey.  It’s not like your life is perfect.

Tell us about the most romantic gesture you have ever made.

It was a few years back.  I was in a crowded bar, it was dark, the music was loud, I was about thirteen drinks in.  I saw the most beautiful girl standing at the bar and I knew that I would regret it if I didn’t at least try to talk to her.  So I waited for her to get her drink and I followed her across the room.  I stood next to her and stared at her, trying to catch her eye.  Eventually she succumbed to my charms and we locked our gaze.  I slowly made an O with the fingers on one hand and pointed my index finger with the other and made a “penetration” gesture to her.  She said no and I think she got a little scared.

Have you ever been unfaithful to a partner? If so can you tell us why.

HAHA you sound like my girlfriend, and my ex-girlfriend and my wife.

Have you had any medical problems eg. spinal injuries, asthma, allergies, epilepsy, diabetes or mental illness within the last 5 years?

If YES, please describe in detail:

Yeah you’d like that in detail, wouldn’t you, you sick fucks?

Have you had cosmetic surgery?

If YES, please describe in detail:

I’ve had COSMIC surgery, how about that?  I haven’t though, I don’t even know what it is.  I don’t think it exists, actually.  No, probably not.

Do you have any other health issues we should know about?

Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld, where George and Susan went to visit the Bubble Boy because Jerry was following them to Susan’s family’s holiday house in the Hamptons and they got separated?  That was a great episode.  “The Moops!”  LOL it still cracks me up.

Do you have any allergies?

If YES, please provide details:

I am allergic to paprika and coriander, but only when they are combined in the same teacup and also only on the second full moon of the cycle in Saturn’s eclipse.  It’s not usually an issue, and I’m on extensive medication for it, so it's not really an issue.   

Have you ever applied for a TV Show?

If yes, which show and what stage did you get to in the process?

Yes actually, I was selected to be in the audience for “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” in 2001 but I was deemed “too drunk” to make it through.  If they didn’t want people to pee openly in the studio, they shouldn’t have let me smuggle in a whole goon bag under my jumper. 

I also auditioned for “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” and came second. 

Have you ever appeared in the media (TV, Newspaper, Online) in any form?

If YES, please provide details.

YES, I appeared in the Classifieds section under the headline “Skinny white man seeks same” – I was attempting to find my doppelganger so I could recreate that scene from “The Parent Trap” at my workplace, but it turns out that’s not really what the classifieds are for. 

Have you ever been found guilty of or convicted of any criminal offence (other than any “spent convictions” that are no longer disclosable under applicable local law)?

If YES, please provide details:

My lawyer advises me to answer “no” to this question.  But off the record (and if I say that, then it's not even admissible in court), yes.  I have heaps of convictions.  Such is the life of a cattle-rustling bushranger with a meth lab and a penchant for jaywalking.  

Have you ever been subject to any non-judicial disciplinary hearings or tribunals (including any registered sporting body)?

If YES, please provide details:

I just don’t understand how it can be deemed a high tackle if the kid is only four feet tall.  What was I meant to do anyway, just stand there on the sidelines with the other parents and watch him score against my kid’s team again?

Have you ever been subject to an intervention or apprehended violence order (or similar)?

If YES, please provide details:

This is a trap, right?

Have you ever been declared bankrupt by a court?

I did not say that I was bankrupt, I declared it.  

Using gif memes is a great way to make people a bit dizzy

If YES, please provide details.

What details could anyone possibly provide here? 

Are you currently involved in any other dispute or court proceedings?

If yes, please provide details:

As soon as this murder charge goes away, then I can prove my innocence on the attempted murder charge (don’t worry, it’s a different case) and aggravated assault (same case), there’s only the kidnapping, arson and possession with intent to distribute to worry about.  And they barely have any evidence against me anyway, except for some CCTV footage and my fingerprints on a heap of weapons and my DNA (semen) on a whole lot of things.  A lot.  Oh, and my meth lab.  Hey, have you noticed that at no point in this application do you ask what my occupation is or where I live?   

Will you consent to undergo a Federal Police criminal record check? (this would be done at a later date).

You have my word that I am not a criminal.

Do you have any criminal charges pending?

If YES, please provide details:

I went through the self-serve checkout at Woolies the other day and accidentally pressed “red capsicum” instead of “green capsicum” and I didn’t tell anyone. 

Is there anything else you'd like to tell us?

I definitely don’t have a rash on my balls.  I think Wishing Wells are a scam and nothing is being done about them.  I hate seagulls but I always feel bad when I see one with a broken wing just kind of stuck on a beach and it's totally fucked. I'll usually just throw a towel over its dirty flying-rat head and put it in some shade so it can at least stay cool before stray cat comes along and kills it for being a fucking asshole that steals hot chips.  

  

Do you have any skeletons in your closet? if so, what are they?

Do you ever wonder what Marty McFly was thinking that after he came back from the past and his mum was trying to bang him, and his girlfriend had changed to Elizabeth Shue?  Do you think it was connected in any way?

	I have read, understood and agree to the Terms and Conditions
Yeah, like fuck I'm going to read that.  TICK. Your application is almost complete! Click next to upload your photos and videos and submit. Please upload a recent photo of yourself

I am a part-time silhouette model.  You may have seen my work as the guy on a toilet door, or the "green man walking" at the traffic lights.  

Home and Away - 2016 recap

Home and Away is back for another season!  HOOFUCKINGRAY.  For those who weren’t really paying attention last year but would like to begin following the trials and tribulations of the good people of Summer Bay, here’s your “What the Fuck Happened” for Home and Away 2016.

To kick off the year, the proverbial broom was put through Summer Bay, and if you happened to have skipped the entire year, then you missed a whole smorgasbord of glory.  An explosion at the Caravan Park claimed the lives of Oscar the Loser and Hannah the Occasionally Attractive And Occasionally Paraplegic Nurse.  It also resulted in the loss of Hot Or Not Maddie’s arm, putting an abrupt end to her violinning career.  The blame for the fire was shared between Bad Boy Andy and Tank the Semi-Recurring Character after a fight knocked over a large wall of gas cylinders that waited until there were a lot of people around before they ignited.   

Bad Boy Andy’s brother, Bad Boy Josh, was left literally blind after being tonked in the back of the head by Tank the Semi-Recurring Character – possibly during the fourth time that Josh and Blandy McBlandface Evie had broken up.  Then his sight came back just long enough for him to murder a woman and run away, causing the fifth (and currently final) time for him and Blandy to break up.  Good bloke.

Hot Or Not decided to carpe diem with her remaining arm and wanted to explore the world with her boyfriend Skater Matt the Skateboarding Guy, then left him at home without telling him.  I reckon Skater Matt dodged a bullet there anyway, as ever since losing her arm, Hot Or Not Maddie developed a weird growth in the shape of an arm across her body. 

John Fucking Palmer and Fuck Off Marilyn somehow adopted their adopted son’s girlfriend after they had broken up.  She then ran off to the city with Semi-Recurring Tank after pashing him one day.  As you do.  And, because they are responsible and caring adults with their adoptive daughter’s best interests at heart, Fucking John and Marilyn let her go and didn’t even bother trying to call her.  What a couple of fuckbags.

Billie the Immortal (Kiwi Josh’s sister) has had a cracker of a year, hooking up with Ugly VJ the Forty-Eight Year Old High Schooler in a relationship that possesses the passion that a toaster holds for a goldfish.  Immortal is also carrying the illegitimate child of Eyebag Irene’s estranged son, who assaulted her in the gym one night.  As anyone would, Immortal then bedded Ugly VJ and told him that the baby was his.  Ugly did the proper thing and dropped out of school to get a job at the smoothie bar so he could afford to support his child.  Then he bought an engagement ring.  Then they planned a wedding which she called off, then they went to the registry office which they both called off.  I just don’t think that things are really looking up for these two crazy kids in love passive acceptance of each other.  Since falling pregnant, Billie the Immortal has been in a car accident, a plane crash, has been kidnapped, stabbed and burnt, and is now about to give birth in the middle of a bushfire. 

There are also some new peeps hanging about the Bait Shop.  As happens every so often, Summer Bay feels the need to spice up their sleepy town a bit by introducing some new characters to take the place of our former beloved Braxton surfer nazi gang of criminals and thugs that Australians can really relate to.  Enter the Morgans.

The Morgans are your typical Home and Away assortment of reasonably attractive over-achieving hearts-of-gold people with a shady past.  There’s Dr Tessa, a doctor, Asian Justin, a jack-of-all trades with a penchant for mechanic work and is a hopeless romantic oh yeah and he’s Asian, Finally Gay Brody, a chef who I thought would finally break the shackles and be gay but isn’t (yet) and Doctor-in-Training Mason, just your usual kid going through med school oh yeah and he’s Tongan or something.  The big secret with the Morgans is a typical family thing – other than the fact that they are all of mysteriously varied heritage, their parents were caught up in a drug syndicate, which they reported to a group of corrupt police who then murdered them which forced the kids into Witness Protection under new identities to be raised by their undercover uncle.  You know, pretty standard stuff.  Due to their fairly difficult upbringing, the Morgans had to give up a few parts of their life – things like relationships and careers.  As such, Dr Tessa is a surgeon who runs the emergency departnment, Mason is in his final year of med school, Brody is a hatted chef and Justin has a child with a former girlfriend who tells everyone they meet that they are in Witness Protection, then wonders how “the syndicate” keep managing to track them down.    

The last time we saw our Home and Away Heroes, Phairly Hot Phoebe and Blandy McBlandface had organised the world’s coolest day-time music festival that attracted at least eight extras and Jessica Mauboy out of Yabbie Creek.  This is actually quite an achievement, as they hadn’t actually organised any music for it until the morning of the actual festival.  Luckily, the Diner donated a tray of sandwiches and there was a smoothie vendor on hand to keep the punters refreshed until well into the afternoon. 

Unfortunately, John Fucking Palmer succumbed to the scourge of Summer Bay, mental illness, and has become a pyromaniac.  This follows Spencer’s bout of bipolar disorder and Alf’s post-traumatic-stress-disorder that were cured via a counselling session and lazy writers. 

So there we have it – you are now more or less up to speed with the goings on of our favourite TV fuckwits (give or take a marriage, divorce, rekindling and new relationship… Dr Nate, I’m looking at you, you sexy piece of arse).  

Spoiler: This guy doesn't do this show any more.

Blockheads are dickheads

I used to be a fan of The Block.  Thought it was great.  Apparently, so did a lot of other people, and it was decided by the geniuses who rule the TV that it should be on for about eight hours each night.  Then it was decided by the TV rulers that it should be bigger than last year.  Then bigger.  And bigger.  With more people.  Then with the same people.  But always bigger BIGGER BIGGER.

Because bigger is best.  Bigger means more excitement, more interest, more fun. 

Essentially, The Block is about four teams renovating four houses.  They get given a few hundred grand to spend on tiles, paint, furniture and actual professionals to come in and build their shit properly.  Of course, you also have the option of not hiring professionals and hard-wiring your own electricity to save money to spend on more down-lights.  Each team is then judged by three wankers on the quality of their cornices and the colours of their cushions.  Eventually, the houses get sold and the contestants win some money. 

It started with the teams doing up four three-bedroom houses in Bondi.  Nice part of the world, nice houses, and everyone was happy.  Then they did some in Melbourne.  Bigger houses, nice location, everyone was happy.  Then they decided to create three-floor townhouse apartments, gave them half the money and turned off their electricity for a few months.  Some of the viewers were happy.  Then they gave them less money, no electricity, no experience and instructed them to renovate heritage-listed homes.  A few people were happy.  Then they made the contestants sleep in an office block with no electricity, no plumbing and no food and instructed them to build shops in which to sell things that they made to earn money to renovate a mansion to be sold.  A lot of people were confused.

And the latest series has just wrapped up, with perennial cunts Dea and Daz earning themselves close to a million dollars in prize money.  To have these idiots win came as a huge shock to a lot of people, considering they were on the previous series and threatened to sue Channel 9 if they weren’t given more prize money this time.  They are also already rich as fuck, as ex-AFL player Daz now runs his own carpentry business, while Dea hires herself out as a penis impersonator. 

The contestants are only part of why the show has become a bit shit.  The scope of the project is just too big.  I am not fooled for one fucking microsecond that the time-frame that the contestants get given by Scott “Please Punch Me in the Face” Cam is realistic, and that the ‘reality tv show clock’ gets used.  “You need to do a bathroom and a laundry and a living room and an outdoor gazebo thanks to our friends at Mitre 10 in four days!”  I’m sorry, but it takes four days to put a fitted sheet on a bed properly, let alone waterproofing a bathroom the size of a football stadium.  The contestants are forced to hire tradies to do all of the work – and fuck it, they have to; if I was a punter looking to buy a house for about $2 million that was built by a guy who looks like a hobbit and keeps supergluing himself to the bannister, I’d be a bit fucking wary and would take my coin elsewhere, you know, to a place that isn’t being held up by Channel 9 cameras and gaffa tape.

So if there are full-time builders who are there to knock up a house, what do the contestants actually do?  Well done, viewers, you’ve just watched a whole season of eight spastics buy taps for the kitchen, thanks to our friends at Stegbar, and hang ‘industrial chic pendant lights’ next to a mattress with a giant fucking bed-head, thanks to our friends at Everything Looks the Same. 

But they have more than the ability to throw a rug, thanks to our friends at Freedom; they also have to paint the walls and ceilings of their houses, a job they seem to enjoy doing at about 3am while they mung on energy drinks, thanks to our friends at Monster, to the beat of the Top 40, thanks to our friends at Mushroom Records. 

The judges are all a pack of fuckwits too.  The bald guy doesn’t wear socks with his suit, the young bloke just stares at the ceiling all day and the woman seems to be drunk most of the time.  All three of them begin each critique with the phrase “look at this.”  It’s a fucking television show, you dipshit.  We have to look at “that.”

Go back to building a fucking house.  Fuck The Block.  Fuck the contestants, fuck the hosts, fuck the show, fuck our friends at Masters, Australia's fastest growing hardware store.  Fuck it all. 

Previously on The Block, we didn't show you enough sponsorship, so we're showing it to you again

Mister Kitchen Breakfast

Aaaaaaaaaaaw My Kitchen Rules is over for another season. That sucks – as far as watching fuckwits cook, this one was definitely my favourite, despite the fact that I called it MasterChef whenever I watched it.

There was so much to love about this series, including:
* the couple from New Zealand who were obviously picked to boost the self-esteem of Aussie battlers everywhere. They fucked everything up, then talked about “Kiwi pride” just in case the vacant expressions, strong New Zealand accents and their ability to only cook lamb and pavlova (and fuck that up as well) wasn’t quite enough to convince Australians that they’re better than our “Trans-Tasman Rivals.”
* the gay lawyer and doctor combination. As evil and conniving as they are rubbish at cooking, they talked a big game but in the end could only serve cold porridge from a packet, but weren’t afraid to hang copious amounts of shit on everyone else. They had their 15 minutes and here’s hoping that we never, ever see them again.
* real live Tasmanians on television.
* a dickhead from Victoria who thought he’d be able to win a cooking competition by using his superior intellect, despite the fact that he’s never seen a kitchen before, and he’s dumb as dogshit.
* the phrase “cooked to perfection” used seventeen times an episode.
* those two Italian awesomenaut blokes, but in particular the less Italian one who pronounshed everyfing like dis yeah and shed shtuff like capshicun. I look forward to New Idea covering their single-sex commitment ceremony soon.
* Manu and the other guy looking decidedly sick of everyone and their shit cooking. I also appreciated Not-Manu’s fashion sense. Without him, I would only have imagined that wearing a flannelette shirt with a tie and combining it with a suit that’s two sizes too small might look awkward. Now I have proof.

So while the fad of amateur cooking reality television programs rolls on like a spring roll (how good are spring rolls? I fucking love them), I figured I should get my spatula out of the second drawer and find a use for it. Welcome to:

Mister Evil Breakfast’s MKR Audition

I apologise in advance for any shit formatting in this thing - it always fucks up when there are more than five words on the screen.

Teams (of two) will have to show off their cooking skills as they work together, against the clock, to impress the judges and deliver knockout meals.

We’re looking for home-cooks who are passionate about cooking and entertaining.

For the next season of My Kitchen Rules, I will be teaming up with my old mate, Todd the Inflatable Dinosaur for this one.

He’s a great cook, except he can’t get too close to hot surfaces or he’ll melt or explode or something.

You will only hear back from us if you move through to the next round of the casting process. Good luck!

I'll be waiting for your call. Thank you.

APPLICANT A

First Name
Mister

Last Name
Breakfast

Phone (Home and/or Work)
I think it has a 7 in it.

Mobile
Yes, I have a new Samsung thing. I don’t know how to use it though, so don’t bother calling me on it. I miss my Nokia.

Occupation
You know the RSPCA ad where there’s a bunch of animals walking across the screen, and there’s a wombat who makes it halfway across and then turns back a few times? I’m the guy who pokes that wombat to make it get across at the very end of the commercial. True story – it gets eaten by the jaguar that crosses earlier in the ad.

TO BE COMPLETED BY APPLICANT A

Marital Status:
Yes

Do you have any children? If YES, please list their ages:
No. And you should probably know that I'm only saying "no" so I don't have to ask my kids how old they are.

Are you expecting a child?
There's nothing scheduled in my diary for children, so no. Apparently not.

Do you have any health issues we should know about?
I have a bit of a sore foot.

Do you have any specific eating requirements or food allergies? (e.g Are you vegetarian, kosher, halal, glucose intolerant etc)
Sometimes I like to say that I’m allergic to avocadoes, simply because it’s a whole lot easier than trying to convince people that I just don’t like them. This usually leads to them sneaking avocadoes into my food and waiting for me to die. Let’s just say that there have been deaths, but I’m still the one applying for reality tv shows.

Have you appeared in, or applied for any other Television shows (including previous series of MKR). If YES, please provide details:
I was on Australia’s Most Wanted a few times. I also took part in Channel 7’s psychic tv show “The One” but all I did was lead police to the shallow graves of my own victims.

Do you have any criminal charges or convictions? If YES, please provide details:
…no.

Have you ever been subject to non-judicial disciplinary hearings or tribunals? If YES, please provide details and outcome:
If you read this question out loud, you are quite likely to fuck up the "non-judicial disciplinary..." bit. Well, I did anyway.

Have you ever hit anyone in anger or self-defense? If YES, please provide details:
I'm a lover, not a fighter. Except for when I'm fighting. Then I'm a fighter and not a lover. Because there's no room for love when you're fighting; it just gets awkward. You know, for the other fighter.

APPLICANT A: COOKING

Have you ever cooked or prepared food before as a job? If YES, please provide details:
What? People pay you for cooking? That’s a job now? Well fuck me. However, in answer to your question: No.

Have you ever done any cooking courses? If YES, please provide details:
I watched a few episodes of that Jamie Oliver bloke and I saw Nigella Lawson on an ad for tea bags.

What does cooking mean to you?
cook·ing
[kook-ing]
noun
1. the act of a person or thing that cooks.
2. the art or practice of preparing food; cookery.

I’m pretty sure that’s what it means to everyone.

What is your best dish, tell us why?
My best, and possibly most famous dish, is what I like to call “Imaginez Sandwich au poulet.” Take a piece of bread, and add butter. Sprinkle some salt and pepper onto the butter and top with another slice of bread. I’m not saying that I’m a magic sorcerer or anything, but you’ll probably say, “Holy shit man, this tastes like chicken!” And then you’ll open the sandwich to see if I’ve somehow managed to sneak a chicken into your meal. I haven’t, it’s just magic. So actually, yes; I am saying I’m a magic sorcerer.

If you were to throw a dinner party for 12 people, tell us what your menu would feature (must include, entree, main, dessert and a suggested theme for the party).
12 fucking people? My house isn’t that big. I’d probably just get a whole shit-tin of chips and a load of beer, followed by some different chips and beer for dessert. If they’re really hungry, they can bring their own food; I’m not made of money. The theme is “Get the fuck out of my house, you cheapskate douchenozzles.”

Who is your cooking inspiration and why?
It would be a toss-up between Bear Grylls and Jeffrey Dhamer. I like my food raw and possibly screaming.

Is there any food you do not like to eat?
Goat’s cheese. That shit is disgusting; it tastes like a shitty country fair would… if a shitty country fair was a meal.

What are your 3 favourite weeknight meals?
Pie with sauce. Pie with more sauce. Pie without sauce.


APPLICANT A: ABOUT YOU

Besides cooking, what interests or hobbies do you have?
General pirate duties – walking planks, digging for treasure, swinging on chandeliers and main sails, looting, raping, pillaging, wearing an eyepatch and sticking parrots on my shoulder.

What is your greatest ambition?
To kick Kim Kardashian square in the vagina.

What has been the most difficult thing in your life so far?
Trying to undo the knot in my shoelace. It’s really annoying me and it’s so tight that I can’t get it out. Hehehe that’s what she said. But seriously, it has been there for well over a year and I’m a bit sick of it (that’s also what she said).

How competitive are you? Please explain, giving examples.
If anyone tries to beat me at this Kitchen caper, I’m going to fucking stab them in the eye and make sweet, sweet love to their gaping head wound. How’s that for competitive? (and how’s that for romance?)

Who is a role model in your life and why?
His name is Larry, and I have to see him once a week and call him every day. Oh - "role" - I thought that said “parole.” Larry helps to keep me out of jail and even once assisted me in the disposal of about a dozen dead bodies when he didn't even need to.

When was the last time you laughed out loud and why?
Have you ever seen “Caddyshack”? Neither have I, but apparently it’s funny. I think if I ever bothered to watch it, I would laugh. You should come over one day, and we’ll rent it together and have a good laugh on my couch. Afterwards, we can stay up late and you can tell me who you have a secret crush on while I braid your hair, and I will tell you about the time I thought I saw a ghost.

When was the last time you cried and why?
It’s a bit relevant to this application actually LOL! I was cutting onions in my kitchen (you can see where this is going, right?), and I accidentally stabbed my “house guest” and their blood got into the onions, rendering them pretty much useless. What a waste of $1.98. Made me sad to think about that $2 coin and how I could have bought a Paddle Pop instead. That was the (first) last time I cried.

How do you feel about critiquing somebody else's food?
I love it. I love critiquing things. I’ll critique anything you want - like this questionnaire: it’s SHIT so far.

What would winning My Kitchen Rules mean to you?
About $250 000 apparently.


APPLICANT A: ABOUT YOUR TEAM MATE

How often do you and your team mate cook together? Who do you normally cook for?
Every night. I always cook for Toddles.

Tell us about your relationship dynamic. How long have you known your team mate for?
Ooooooooh, probably about 5 years. Maybe 6. Wait, let me check my diary. "March 15, 2006: Today I bought an inflatable dinosaur. His name is Todd and I love him. I really need to stop drinking during the day."

How do you know each other?
I bought him from the National Geographic shop. It was a funny meeting actually. I took it off the shelf and paid the girl at the cash register and then took it home and inflated it. Wait, that wasn’t funny at all.

What is your relationship to your team mate? (eg. Father, Sister, Friend, Co-worker, Ex)
I am his owner. Great, now I sound like a sicko.

What annoys you about them?
He deflates a lot in hot weather. And his air valve is kind of where his bum is, and it’s a bit awkward to blow him up again.

Do you ever argue? If so, over what?
LOL he steals the doona! Actually, no, we rarely argue, although sometimes we get a bit heated when I’m singing sea-shanties and he has his yoga class going on in our lounge room.

Besides cooking, what do you and your team mate enjoy doing together?
We’re just two normal guys living together, except one of us is an inflatable dinosaur. We do normal things like chilling on the couch and watching TV. He likes that Amazing Race show.

What 3 words best describe your team mate? (Be honest!)
Green. Inflatable. Dinosaur.

What is your team mate like in the kitchen?
Not half as good as he is in the bedroom. Eh! Eh?

Who is the better cook and why?
Honestly, me. But I think that’s honestly more to do with his physical make-up and his useless forelimbs that can’t do fucking anything, than it is about cooking aptitude.

Why should you, as a team, be part of the show?
I think Australia would really like to see the relationship between a dickheaded dickhead like me and his inflatable dino.

Interests and Hobbies
Gameshows
Reality TV
Renovation and Design
Dating
Singing
Dancing
Hairdressing and Beauty
Sport
Property and Real Estate
Finance
Food and Cooking
Health and Fitness
Fashion
Medical
Travel
Outdoor and Gardening

What kind of twisted dickwit includes "medical" in their interests and hobbies? "Righto, I'm just popping down to the hospital to meet up with Dr Bob - I hear he has a new stethoscope." "Ok, don't be too late - and don't come back smelling like a tongue depressor again!"

APPLICANT B

First Name
Todd

Last Name
Dinosaur

Phone (Home and/or Work)
Fax

Mobile
Broadband. I love these word association games.

Occupation
Professional inflatable dinosaur.

TO BE COMPLETED BY APPLICANT B

Marital Status:
Married.

Do you have any children? If YES, please list their ages:
No

Are you expecting a child?
I’m an inflatable dinosaur. I’m not expecting much.

Do you have any health issues we should know about?
Nope, I’m about as fit as a toy dinosaur could ever be. Occasionally I get deflated, but that’s usually just because it’s annoying to blow me back up.

Do you have any specific eating requirements or food allergies? (e.g Are you vegetarian, kosher, halal, glucose intolerant etc)
Fuck it, let’s go halal. It sounds interesting, and I’m pretty sure it entails the slaughter of goats.

Have you appeared in, or applied for any other Television shows (including previous series of MKR). If YES, please provide details:
I auditioned for CSI Miami a few years back. There was this great scene involving me, David Caruso, three dead hookers and a lot of cocaine. And that was just the day before filming! Also, I didn’t get the part due to ongoing investigations.

Do you have any criminal charges or convictions? If YES, please provide details:
…no.

Have you ever been subject to non-judicial disciplinary hearings or tribunals? If YES, please provide details and outcome:
Is this a cooking show or some kind of Judge Judy spin-off?

Have you ever hit anyone in anger or self-defense? If YES, please provide details:
I don’t think there’s many people out there who I haven’t lashed out at in anger. I’m a fucking dinosaur, for fuck’s sake. I think my reputation precedes me. Raah. Didn’t you see Jurassic Park?


APPLICANT B: COOKING

Have you ever cooked or prepared food before as a job? If YES, please provide details:
A few years back, I was dared by my friend to turn up at a restaurant called L’Argent Concombre and tell the manager that I was there to start working as head chef. In less than 20 minutes, I’d accidentally burnt the place down. I also received a bit of severance pay for that. However, the dare was won and I can proudly say that it was the most fun I’ve ever had in earning $5.

Have you ever done any cooking courses? If YES, please provide details:
A few years back, I was dared by my friend to turn up to a cooking school and tell the manager that I was there to start teaching. In less than 20 minutes, I’d accidentally burnt the place down. I didn’t receive any severance pay for that, so it’s not even worth mentioning (except that I hooked up with this hot Asian girl). The dare was won and I can proudly say that it was the second most fun I’ve ever had in earning $5.

What does cooking mean to you?
It’s like, so, like spiritual, you know? Like, it’s so creative the way that you can just like, take a bit of food and, like, add other bits of food to it, and like, cook it so it tastes like those two ingredients, but, like, together.

What is your best dish, tell us why?
It’s a white dish with a blue ring around the edge. I have five more just like it. I think it was from a set that I bought at Big W.

If you were to throw a dinner party for 12 people, tell us what your menu would feature (must include, entree, main, dessert and a suggested theme for the party).
I’d probably just haul a rhino into the apartment and tell the guests to dig in. I’m pretty sure a rhino would feed 12 people for entrée and main, but I would save the horn for dessert. The theme would be “fairies and princesses.”

Who is your cooking inspiration and why?
Without a doubt, it would be Mr Ronald McDonald. He never let the fact that he was a creepy, paedophilic clown with a giant purple monster for a best friend stop him from serving up great quantities of fairly ordinary food for the hungover masses on a Sunday morning. If he could ever get the thickshake machine to work, he’d be some kind of deity.

Is there any food you do not like to eat?
I’ve never understood the world’s obsession with peanut butter. I like peanuts, I like butter. Sometimes things should just be left separate.

What are your 3 favourite weeknight meals?
I’ll be honest with you – my mouth is actually painted on; I can’t eat anything.


APPLICANT A: ABOUT YOU

Besides cooking, what interests or hobbies do you have?
I wouldn't even call cooking a hobby or an interest. I spend all of my time being a dinosaur – roaring, stomping around, eating things, avoiding tar pits and chasing Sam Neill.

What is your greatest ambition?
To learn to drive. What? Fuck off, I’ve just never had the chance to do it, ok?

What has been the most difficult thing in your life so far?
There are very few difficulties in life when you’re the world’s most ferocious predator… in miniature, inflatable form. Otherwise, I would say that the years of homelessness and living on the street, scavenging for food and eating whatever I could find were pretty hard. That is, until I came across four baby turtles, crawling in a strange, glowing ooze. Master Splinter’s life did seem pretty hard, and it was definitely difficult for me to watch it be played out on the big screen in 1990.

How competitive are you? Please explain, giving examples.
I take it as a personal affront when my Tattslotto numbers don’t get called out. I feel like I’ve let myself down by not picking the right combination.

Who is a role model in your life and why?
Probably Jesus. He single-handedly killed an army of evil samurai riding on sabre-toothed tigers with his double-ended sword. It’s in the bible, I swear.

When was the last time you laughed out loud and why?
I was on Chatroulette the other night, and this guy said, “R U a dinosor?” and I said “LOL yeah” which means “laughing out loud” but it was obvious that I wasn’t laughing, because he could see it on his video feed. I think that’s why he disconnected our chat so quickly. Lying about laughing doesn't really count, does it?

When was the last time you cried and why?
My friend dared me to go to a hospital and tell the chief surgeon that I was there to begin work. He immediately shoved me into the OR and told me to “scrub up” and to start performing open-heart surgery on this patient. As I made the initial incision, I realised that the patient was MY FATHER and his life was in my hands. After ripping around inside his chest for a while, trying to gaffa tape a rat to a tiny treadmill and staple it to his heart to keep it ticking, the chief tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to leave. The funeral was hard to cope with, considering that I couldn’t help but feel partly responsible for killing my dad (with love), but mainly because my mate said that I owed him $5 because I didn’t finish the surgery.

How do you feel about critiquing somebody else's food?
I call a spade a spade and a dunny a dunny. I will also call a steak a steak and a carrot a carrot. I just like words, really.

What would winning My Kitchen Rules mean to you?
I think it would be a great step in human/inflatable dinosaur relations.


APPLICANT A: ABOUT YOUR TEAM MATE

How often do you and your team mate cook together? Who do you normally cook for?
Mister Evil Breakfast always cooks for me – you know, short arm syndrome right here. Seriously, I’d rather not have any arms at all instead of these fucking teasing bitches I’ve got.

Tell us about your relationship dynamic. How long have you known your team mate for?
6 years ago. He wrote about it in his diary *coughcoughGAYcough*

How do you know each other?
You do realise that you asked him the same questions, and he responded, right? It’s the same fucking story.

What is your relationship to your team mate? (eg. Father, Sister, Friend, Co-worker, Ex)
I’m a toy, he owns me. Yep, that sounds weird.

What annoys you about them?
Probably the fact that he’s just so good looking. Also, he does terrible Chewbacca impressions, but keeps saying that he once did a really good one, when I know for a fact that he didn’t – he wrote it in his diary *coughcoughSOGAYcough*

Do you ever argue? If so, over what?
Sometimes we argue about whether velociraptors were as cool as Jurassic Park makes them out to be – trust me, they were not. They were really shit, egg-thieving bastards.

Besides cooking, what do you and your team mate enjoy doing together?
We normally hit the pub on Fridays and don’t leave til the Thursday night. That takes up a lot of our time.

What 3 words best describe your team mate? (Be honest!)
Breakfast. Mister. Evil.

What is your team mate like in the kitchen?
Pretty tall. But no more so than he is anywhere else in the house.

Who is the better cook and why?
I’ll admit, it’s him. But he definitely wouldn’t be able to do it without me yelling at him to puree the yak-arsehole sausages and make sure the otter-testicle mascarpone jus mousse de la lait with a spicy Thai and legume oyster steamed brulee with double cooked pheasant dick isn’t burning.

Why should you, as a team, be part of the show?
I really, really want to hump Manu’s leg.

Interests and Hobbies
Gameshows
Reality TV
Renovation and Design
Dating
Singing
Dancing
Hairdressing and Beauty
Sport
Property and Real Estate
Finance
Food and Cooking
Health and Fitness
Fashion
Medical
Travel
Outdoor and Gardening

I'm pretty sure this part of the application should be renamed "what other shit tv shows do you like?"

* * *

And that’s it. For a competition to win a quarter of a million smackeroos where the objective is to be able to cook a couple of pretentious meals, they don't seem entirely interested in whether or not you can successfully open the fridge without help. To me, this seems a lot more like they're loading you up with sharp knives, meat cleavers and pots of boiling oil in which to do battle with the other contestants. If so, then count me in. I saw The Hunger Games, I know how this shit works.

Mister Evil Breakfast Wants a Farm and a Wife Who Has A Farm (maybe)

The phenomenon that is Farmer Wants a Wife carries on and continues to grow in popularity, as Australia’s love of blokes with akubras and flannies who don’t mind having flies root on their faces while they try and pick up chicks shows no signs of slowing down.

My last foray into applying for the world of reality television came in the form of a torturous process to get onto Big Brother. Alas, my application did not progress, which is a shame; I could have done with winning $1 million and pashing a few bogans.

The process to get onto Farmer is a bit easier. To apply as one of the hornbag chicks looking to bag a husband, you just have to answer a handful of questions and agree to make out with some bloke who’s been rolling around in pig shit all day. Then you go to the Farmer’s website, click on the farmer you want to go sheep drenching with, and if he thinks, “Oh yeah, wouldn’t mind mucking out her stable,” then you’re in like Old Farmer McGlynn.

To be a bachelor farmer on the show, it’s not much harder. And for a program whereby you basically get a couple of free farmhands in high heels to help you knock up a barbed-wire fence, there really should be a few stricter guidelines. I’ve seen previous seasons of Farmer, and the farmers are traditionally in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, in a massive span of dirt that stretches for motherfucking light years. It wouldn’t be hard for a farmer to ‘accidentally’ lose one of the contestants in a shallow grave just “up yonder behind the creek,” if you catch my drift.

So I’ve decided to become both a contestant and a farmer on the next season of the show. I think I’m in with a chance.

FWAW – EXPRESSION OF INTEREST FORM:
This can be filled out by yourself (a farmer), or you can fill it out to nominate a friend of yours who is a single farmer.
Please email the form to: farmer@fremantlemedia.com.au

Application for Farmer Wants a Wife
CONDITIONS:
1.You must attach 2 photographs in total:
•one head/shoulders

•one full body length
2.You must agree to live on a farm for the length of the shoot, approximately 11 days.
I’m not sure if 11 days is enough time to have sex with all of the women I choose before picking which one I’m going to marry.

3.You must be single and genuinely looking for love.

Just don’t tell my girlfriend/s or wife/s.

4.You must be 18 years or over.

I have a tattoo.

5.We will conduct background police checks on applicants chosen to meet the farmers, and you must agree to this as part of your application.

Good luck; I have my DNA replaced every six weeks.

6.Applications must be received online. Applications received by post will not be accepted.

That’s a bit harsh.

7. For more information please apply.

You shouldn’t have to apply just to get further information, honestly.

If you have any problems filling this in, please call us on 02) 9434 0777

If I have problems filling this form in, I don’t think I’d be able to use a phone. And if I have to apply online and not by post, you should have an email address. Apparently you guys don’t believe in the ‘old ways.’ That doesn’t sound very farm friendly.

Name of Farmer:

Mister Evil Breakfast

Age & Date of Birth:

Old enough to kick your ass. And it's always my birthday, so I’m expecting presents and cake every fucking day.

Phone:

Yes, it’s a really old Nokia.

Email:

Obviously, this is being lodged by email. There is no other way to lodge this shit.

Location of the farm:

Just up yonder, behind the creek.

Type of Farm:

Dinosaur farm

Size of Farm:

Big enough that if you were to run around it, you’d come back puffing and panting.

Nearest Town and Airport:

Nearest town is Montreal, and the closest airport is in Guam. Strangely, the farm is in Canberra.

Do you own your own farm?

Define “own” in both of the senses that you have used it in this sentence. Then define “farm.” That should keep you occupied for a while.

Do you live and work full time on the farm?

Yes, except for when I go to work at the office, which is most days.

Accommodation on the farm (how many can stay there):

Depends how fat they are. You could fit two on my couch, easy.

Does the Farmer know he/she has been nominated?

I’m pretty drunk, so I might not remember it tomorrow.

Has the Farmer ever been married? Divorced?

I’m just married to the job. And my wife. And my husband. Oooh controversial.

Is the Farmer looking for love?

Aaaaaw this is a sweet question. I’m actually just looking for my keys, and I reckon one of the girls stole them.

PHOTO OF FARMER (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)

PHOTO/s OF FARM (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)
One of my brontosauruses showing off.

Free-range gallimimus herd

Free-range gallimimus herd meets free-range tyrranosaur

And that is literally all there is to it. Remember the good old days when you would date people with similar interests to you? Not anymore - with the information held in this application form, you can just imagine the number of great discussions you can have with the man/woman of your dreams about the size of your farm and how you are fully aware that you have been nominated. Actually, having seen the show, that's really not that far off the typical conversation.

See you at the reunion!

Looks like we've got a whole new Situation

Move over, Snooki, Guidos and Guidettes! The next generation of reality TV superstars is set to hit our screens in a brand new show that is going to take the world by storm! From the streets of Civic to the cafes of Manuka, welcome to…

Join five of Canberra’s most outrageous personalities for a wild season in the nation’s capital as friendships and relationships are forged, broken and fixed within the same heartbeat.

Meet Tom, from the mean streets of Red Hill and has grown up without knowing real privilege. For his 16th birthday, his parents bought him a new BMW when he specifically had asked for an Alfa Romeo. It didn’t really matter though, as Tom wrote that car off a week later and bought an Alfa anyway.
Quote: It’s just money, don’t worry about it.

Kirryly is a hot bogan hairdresser who has been seen at all the big events, including Kylie’s 21st, Jorda’an’s 23rd and Adam’s going-away party. Asked to describe herself in one word, Kizza replied: “I am a really simple person, like, I like to, you know, like just be me at home, by, like, just on my, you know, on my own, or I love going out and getting off.” Kirrily is nearing 900 Facebook friends.
Quote: FML!

Justin is a 28-year old public servant who works in the IT section of an undisclosed Government department. He has always wanted to try paintballing, but hasn’t been able to arrange it with his friends yet. His favourite food is Cheese and Bacon Balls, and he enjoys email.
Quote: The cake is a lie.

Guy is a professional student, having spent the last 16 years on the ANU Campus, completing at least a year of a range of Arts subjects. He is a self-taught musician and can play the bongos, sitar, and tobacco hookah.
Quote: I’m sensing some strong vibes here.

Angela is a bubbly 20-something year old graphic designer from Hackett. This average income earner enjoys a drink on a Friday night (“or while watching Farmer Wants a Wife!”) and hits the gym with her best friend twice a week. Ange loves travelling and is hoping to do a European trip next year.
Quote: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

With Canberra’s unmistakable cityscape providing a playground for the Burley Shore crew, there’s never a shortage of drama. Tom and Kirryly begin a relationship within seven minutes of entering Moosheads (“It was a record for both of us!”), while Angela tries to make awkward conversation with Justin (“he seems nice, but kept quoting jokes from The Big Bang Theory”). Guy refused to even enter the nightclub, protesting that the drinks were better at the Wig n Pen pub, and waited outside.

On Day 2, Tom and Kirryly break up, make up and break up again, while Justin and Guy bond over their common brand of laptops (Apple). When Ange and Kirryly struggle to become friends, Kirryly suggests that they should “Agreeta Disagree,” a ritual that she believes has Pagan influences, and people like “Napoleon and Maximus from Gladiator did to end their fighting.” Justin performs a concert on his sitar to mellow everyone out.

And that's just the first two days!

For Parliament House-flag-sized entertainment (that’s 12.8m x 6.4m), tune into the capital ACTion of the Burley Shore. Coming soon.

Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours.

This rare behind-the-scenes photo reveals a lot about the Neighboursverse: Karl and Susan drinking coffee and gossiping about Andrew, who is ordering coffee while talking overly loud to Lucas, and some extras practicing drinking coffee. And a camera left unattended while the cameraman gets a coffee

Ramsay Street is a turbulent place at the best of time, but lately it has been off the fucking chart. We’ve got new characters, old characters, characters who wear ties, characters who don’t wear ties, dickheads, wankers and fuckwits. It’s a ticking time-bomb inside a pressure cooker with a lit fuse just waiting to boil over.

I haven’t been able to keep entirely up-to-date with the residents of Erinsborough, but I’m pretty sure I can go all Sherlock on myself and piece together the pieces of this many-pieced puzzle.

Pop the kettle on, this could take a while.
To kick off, let’s see who was super shit enough to not have their Neighbours contract extended:

Zeke’s gone. He might have headed overseas to pursue his blossoming DJ career, but it’s more likely that he died in a canoeing accident. For some reason, water had a magnetic attraction for Zeke, if magnets had the power to kill.

Steph has gone because she ran over Ringo and killed him and was shipped off to jail somewhere in Fuck Knows Nowhere, Victoria. Following the shocking jury decision (although since the charge was drink driving occasioning death, it really shouldn’t have come as too much of a surprise to anyone), Lyn grabbed Steph’s ugly kid (not Summer, the other one) and has moved to Fuck Knows so they can be closer to the drug-addicted alcoholic homicidal maniac that is Steph. I love a close-knit family. Except that they left Summer behind (good choice), so I guess Lyn’s pretty choosey about who she wants in her family. When the ugly kid and Steph get props over you, you might want to stop and think about your life.

Lyn’s absence obviously meant that there was an empty house on Ramsay. Better fill that space up with a couple of dickheads:
Kyle (that loveable larrikin who you may recognise as the bloke who always wears singlets, tries to donk anything that moves, drinks shit tins of orange juice at the pub and will only watch movies starring Steven Segal, just like every 20-something male in existence);
Jade - Sonya’s sister who is inexplicably of a different race than the rest of her family; and
Kate’s ex-boyfriend Mr Policeman, who moved in with the idiots above, regardless of the fact that they didn’t have jobs and are about ten years younger than him. I’m guessing that the pull of Ramsay Street got him in the end; it’s a well known fact that if you spend too long on Neighbours, one day you’ll wake up living in Lyn’s house… Also, the fact that the house is next door to Kate’s place probably helped. Because living next door to your ex girlfriend while you’re sharing a place with the girl you cheated on her with isn’t awkward at all, right? Right.

Mr Policeman is in a spot of bother for blowing the whistle on corrupt cops in Erinsborough, and has been “copping” it from his cop friends since he filed a report. Being the great journo that he is, Paul Robinson got wind of the story and threatened to blow the whole thing “sky high” by running it in the Erinsborough News (readership: 10 billion trillion people). Kate asked him not to run the story for the sake of Mr Policeman (I can’t really remember why, but I think it had something to do with bears), so Paul ran a story about high interest rates instead. Phew. Mr Policeman is safe. WAIT… interest rates are at what level? Jesus, I’m never going to be able to afford a house. Good one, Paul, you peg-legged dick.

After being abandoned by her family, Summer was absorbed into Karl and Susan’s house. Fuck. I couldn’t think of anything worse than living with those two douchebags. In a rarity for Neighbours writing, Karl has realistically cracked the shits with Susan and said, “I am so fucking sick of all the motherfucking teenagers in this house.” (the part of Dr Karl was played by Samuel L. Jackson) Susan quelled that storm by replying, “It’s only for a few more years.” Then they had some coffee and forgot about it.

Summer is also dating Rob Farnham aka Andrew, the mysteriously Scottish son of Paul Robinson. Paul has just offered Summer a journalist position at the Erinsborough News, which for a 17-year old with no qualifications is a pretty tidy opportunity. When I was 17, I worked at Woolworths and wanted a pair of rollerblades. The closest I came to being offered anything while I was working there was when some paedophile tried to get me involved in his Amway-selling scheme. I guess kids today are different with their hopes and dreams, and paedos are way more generous than they used to be.

Andrew has decided to focus his attention on his burgeoning entertainment business (what does that even mean?) and can’t wait to finish school so he can really reap the benefits. Apparently Andrew has been running dance parties for years as a side job to being a student, being awesome and having shit hair. AND he’s only about 15 years old. He might also have access to a time machine, seeing as no-one has even thought about a dance party since 1997.

Summer dragged Andrew to the Erinsborough University to do some recon on the campus and students for his ‘entertainment business,’ but Andrew seemed sceptical that the university crowd would be into it. “This guys don’ haf any monay tay partay wif,” he announced. “Noo let’s goo an’ get oorselfs soom coffee. Iss bin aboot an hoor since weef had one.” I’m glad that Andrew knows his target audience so well, and recognises that high school kids earn more money than adults.

In life away from Lyn’s house:
Harold is back from his across-Australia tour, and looky-looky, he’s brought himself a wife - the old duck from the Spray and Wipe ads. The wedding was glorious, as Harold spent most of the ceremony talking about his first wife before they all head to Charlie’s for a drink (orange juice) at the reception afterwards. I loved the fact that the bar was still decorated with advertising despite the reception being held there. I’m sure Mr and Mrs Spray and Wipe Bishop will love the fact that their wedding photos have the dates for Magic Dirt’s 2007 tour in the background.

The Neighbours writers realised that they hadn’t had a chance to use their hospital set for a while, so they made Lou collapse, thereby fixing that little oversight quick-smart by plonking him in the usual private room with machines going “ping” and Dr Karl dropping by to show off his lovely white coat and clipboard ensemble.

I’m not entirely sure what’s in the water in Erinsborough, but Kyle has followed the trend set by Andrew and has also decided to be his own boss by becoming a “professional handy man.” I would have assumed that being a professional man-whore would have been more apt, but that’s just me. I’m not sure where he decided that handiwork was a good idea, seeing as the only remotely handy thing he’s done is apply glue to a shelf, which then attracted a coffee mug and his own hand. Fuck I want to live on Ramsay Street - for one, I’d be able to kill Natasha a lot easier, and secondly I’d be able to become a professional Alec Baldwin impersonator within a week.

I’m going out on a limb and assuming that Kyle is also using Andrew’s time machine to go back to 1947 when handymen still existed. In the year 2011, if your dishwasher fucks out, you call a dishwasher repairman. If your car breaks down, you get a mechanic to look at it. You don’t call a 20-year old kid to turn up and poke around with nothing more than hope and a screwdriver.

Natasha has begun sleeping with a skeezy older man who rakes leaves for a living (seriously, how do I get to Ramsay St?), who makes constant references to the fact that she “looks hot” when she wears her school uniform during their back-seat encounters during her free periods at school. There are two ways that Natasha would ever be described as hot – one is if she has a crowbar sticking out of her mangled face, the other is if you were a skeezy old man. In Neighbours’ latest Community Service Announcement, Tash took a nudie photo of herself (in the toilets at Harold’s café) and sent it to Skeezy’s phone.

To end this Neighbours update, I’m proud to announce another Neighbours first:
Say hello to Chris, the token gay kid. Hi Chris. Chris hasn’t done anything of note since joining the cast, and that will be the status quo until another gay bloke moves in. Because as we all know, gay people spend all their time thinking gay thoughts about being gay. Oh, and drinking coffee, but that’s a Neighbours thing.

MEB’s Neighbours predictions
- electrical fire caused by Kyle’s shithouse handiwork
- Natasha’s photo is going to “go viral” and attract more views than the Erinsborough News and Google* combined. She will cop a mighty punishment from her dad, who will forbid her from having sex with random old blokes
*Note: The Neighbours universe has its own search engine, called “Poodle.” It’s pink and has a dog.
- Mr Copper will continue to cop flak from corrupt cops and will eventually leave the street to save the people he loves (from bears?)
- Karl is going to go postal for a week and recite Ezekial 25:17 before killing a lot of people before apologising and going back to being a boring old dick
- Toadie will get married again. That guy loves his nuptials

MEB’s Neighbours Peeve of the Week
In the opening credits, it shows Sonya and Libby together. They are blowing bubbles in the backyard and having a good giggle about it. It looks fucking stupid and if anyone out there can tell me if they know of ANY women (or men) who get together for a good old-fashioned bubble-blowing afternoon in the sun, I’d love to meet them (and feed them to a bear).