NRL 2020 Round 8:Choose Life

Sick Boy:  It's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.

Renton:  What do you mean?
Sick Boy:  Well, at one time, you've got it, and then you lose it, and it's gone forever. All walks of life: George Best, for example. Had it, lost it. Or David Bowie, or Lou Reed...
Renton:  Lou Reed, some of his solo stuff's not bad.
Sick Boy: No, it's not bad, but it's not great either. And in your heart you kind of know that although it sounds all right, it's actually just... shite.
Renton: So who else?
Sick Boy: Charlie Nicholas, David Niven, Malcolm McLaren, Elvis Presley...
Renton: OK, OK, so what's the point you're trying to make?
Sick Boy: All I'm trying to do, Mark, is help you understand that The Name of The Rose is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory.
Renton: What about The Untouchables?
Sick Boy: I don't rate that at all.
Renton: Despite the Academy Award?
Sick Boy: That means fuck all. The sympathy vote.
Renton: Right. So we all get old and then we can't hack it anymore. Is that it?
Sick Boy: Yeah.
Renton: That's your theory?
Sick Boy: Yeah. Beautifully fucking illustrated.

As we settle back in for another weekend of NRL action, this particular scene from the film Trainspotting comes to mind, as Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor, who is currently sitting at #4 on the list of "blokes I'd probably have sex with", just in case the question "who's a bloke that you reckon Mister Evil Breakfast would have sex with" comes up at your next trivia night), and Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller, who was actually married to Angelina Jolie at one point - put that in your brain for the next time you're at a trivia night and the question "who used to be married to Angelina Jolie and isn't Brad Pitt or Billie Bob Thornton?") (it helps if your local trivia nights have very specific questions, by the way), discuss the theory of diminishing relevance over time, right before they shoot a pitbull in the balls with a BB gun.  

So let's have a look at the competition as it stands, and see who makes my Sick Boy list:

Bulldogs:
It's hard to "lose it" when you have never "had it" or even really know what "it" is anymore. 

Broncos:
I could probably name all 13 players, if I had to be honest.  Maybe except for that Haas bloke, cos he'd fucken thump me if he ever found me.  The most obvious ones are Milford and Darius Boyd, and I'm not scared to lump shit on either of them because I don't think they could thump anyone anymore.

Warriors:
Poor Warriors.  They've been kept away from their homes and families, lost their coach, have officially run out of players and are actually "borrowing" fringe first-graders from other teams until COVID restrictions are lifted, which means that I might even get a run with them, probably around week 12, I reckon. 

Titans:
Oh Jesus, where to start?  The Titans threw all of their cash at Ash Taylor a few years back, in the hope that he would develop into a player they could build a team around.  That didn't work out the way they wanted (unless building a team of numpties was the intended result), so they threw some money at Bryce Cartwright, who suddenly forgot how to tackle.  Then they picked Shannon Boyd, the biggest bloke they could find, whose only weaknesses were running and tackling, but that didn't work either.  To sum up, the Titans management are probably to blame here.
 
St George:
The obvious target here is Ben Hunt, but I think most of the Dragons' problems are with Corey Norman, who must have pictures of coach Paul McGregor in fairly compromising positions.  For all of our sakes, I hope he keeps them to himself.  Mary's not in such good shape any more... but I'd probably rather have him playing than Norman.

Sharks:
Matt Moylan.  Easy.  Shaun Johnson is probably close, but he's way too attractive to blame for this mess (note: he doesn't make an appearance on my list of blokes I'd have sex with, but does get an honorable mention).

Cowboys:
Fucken coach Paul Green.  The Cows have been in struggletown this year, and he seems pretty clueless about what to do about it, which is not really ideal for a coach.

Rabbitohs:

Last week, Latrell Mitchell put in a performance that had pundits everywhere wondering if he was underperforming so badly that ASADA wouldn't even bother checking his wee for peptides ("anyone who drops the ball six times in one game couldn't possibly be on drugs"), or calling for an investigation into his Sportsbet account (Latrell to drop the ball five or more times and make negative metres for his team was paying out handsomely, I would assume).  Mitchell came into the game as a 19-year old prodigy - big, fast, strong; he could run, tackle, kick, pass, fend, block, catch, punch on, elbow, knee, kick, spit and get on the piss with the best of the league.  Four years on, the perennial 19-year old is fumbling and bumbling his way into every "fuck, that guy should have been great" list that every bloke at the bar has. 

Manly:
I don't hate Manly the way I should anymore, and it just feels wrong.  So fuck Dylan Walker; it's not that he was even ever that good, or is even really that bad, I just fucken hate him.

Raiders:
We were afraid that when the season started and Charnze Nikoll-Klokstad cut off his dreads that his powers had also been chopped, but his last few games have been very much improved.  Jordan Rapana gets to be on my shit-list this week, for being a deadset fucken grub, and has lost so much pace this year that he's probably on the "hey Warriors, you want this guy" list.

Tigers:
Well, according to coach Michael McGuire, Benji Marshall is as useless as tits on a bull, despite leading the Dally M competition at the time of his sacking.  Benji has been shit in defense this year, granted, but no one seems to remember him being shit in defense for the past 17 years too.

Knights:
Mitchell Pearce strikes me as a bit of a dickhead, and I don't rate him much as a player either; I'm never convinced that the good things he does were actually deliberate, or if he's just really, really lucky. 

Storm:
I forgot how many fucken teams there were when I started writing this, and I'm regretting it, but I couldn't be fucked deleting it and trying to find some other shit to write about this week.  Fuck the Storm, all of them, and mainly Cameron Munster.

Roosters:
I have actually never really understood Boyd Coydner, which brings the number of Boyds in this list to three, I think.  He just kind of ambles around the field, flopping on tackles and waving his arms around a bit. 

Panthers:
Josh Mansour is a shadow of his former self, but we can blame Josh Dugan on that one.  Is it weird that a player competing for Dugan's position on his first international representative tour had his leg snapped in half during a training drill?  I don't need evidence, that man is guilty. 

Parramatta:
Parra are doing really well this year, and are very solid across the board... Blake Ferguson is a standout for being a bit shit though, and his mistakes and grubby nonsense are exacerbated by the bigger, faster, better winger on the other side of the field.  Sucked in, Fergo, you fucken hack.

Yeah get fucked, the lot of you

Round 8

Melbourne Storm vs Sydney Roosters

Both teams are missing some strike players, and the Chooks certainly did look shithouse when they had to do without a couple of their big hitters.  The Storm are without Munster, which can only open up a few other playmaking options for them, the big fucken hog.  I like the Storm here, based almost purely on my hatred for Cameron Munster.

Canberra Raiders woo vs St George Dragons

Canberra did their best to right their wonky ship last week, but still came second.  The Dragons rallied against the defending premiers, but their gameplan of "hope that everyone playing against us gets injured" was only halfway successful.  As long as the Raiders can keep their lollies in the pram, they'll come away easy winners this week.  

Parramatta Eels vs North Queensland Cowboys

Can't go past a Parra win here, even without playmaker Mitch Moses, and despite the Cows getting a comprehensive win in last week.  Note to self: come up with hilarious and witty observation before posting this hurriedly and most likely without reading it back to yourself.

Gold Coast Titans vs Cronulla Sharks

Well this game will be a thrillhouse from the first kick-off to the final siren.  I'm tingling already.  I'm imagining that both teams will wake up on Saturday and not want to go to work, and they'll call their coach and say, "yeah nah, not feeling great today, don't think I'll make it in" and the coach will be all "yeah nah, me either hey" and he'll call the ref and the ref will say, "yeah nah, don't worry about it, no one will notice" and they'll just put on highlights from the Australia vs West Indies cricket match from the 1992 World Cup instead, and everyone will be happy.  

New Zealand Warriors vs Brisbane Broncos

Brisbane coach Anthony Siebold succumbed to growing pressure on his struggling team and has wielded the axe, by putting winger Corey Oates on the bench.  Strong flex, Siebs.  Obviously it's your left wing that is letting in 30 points a game.  If it's possible for a team to finish with minus points, this is the game that will do it.

Wests Tigers vs Penrith Panthers

You know it's going to be a good game when the lead-up to the game is on what kind of band-aid Nathan Cleary is going to use on his gigantic head to cover up what Freddy Fittler could only describe as an "infection on his face".  

Manly Sea Eagles vs Newcastle Knights

Newy will hopefully come back from last week's shock loss with a bit more vigor than they showed against the Cows, who exposed Mitchell Pearce's shitness and the Knights' over-reliance on Kalyn Ponga to do, well, pretty much everything.  Manly got done over by the Sharkies last week, which I can only assume is a sign of things to come, at least until the paper-mache holding Tommy Turbo together dries.  

Canterbury Bulldogs vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Sometimes, teams purely exist just so they can get another team back into form.  The Bulldogs are that team right now.  They are here just so the Rabbitohs' players can remember how to break tackles, take intercepts, throw offloads, score tries, smash people & win games.  Thanks Doggies, you're doing great work.

There's nothing condescending about a 47 year old man telling you that you're not that shit after he puts 50 points on you.