In the last two weeks, the Ponies have given up close to a trillion points as they struggle to cope with a faster-paced game, the retirement of some club stalwarts, the non-retirement of Darius Fucking Boyd, some shithouse new recruits, and a coach who looks like he's handing out Happy Meal vouchers after every game, and ensuring that the players all know that "they did their best" and "he's proud of them regardless" and "it's just good to see them getting outside."
Traditionally, the Broncos have had their roster filled with players with 300 games of experience; the kinds of guys you could trust to elbow a bloke in the back of the head, or break their nose with a raised forearm. Unfortunately for the Horsies, those players have all retired or been arrested.
Last week, the Bronx opted to fill the void of experience by bringing in a host of players that were found wagging Maths in fourth period, which strangely did not reap great rewards against the Roosters. This week, coach Siebold has moved away from his "well, I fucken tried that idea once" tactic and has selected Ben Te'o to bolster his team. Te'o brings with him a swathe of experience, having entered the NRL in 2007. He played Origin, has represented Samoa, is a fair unit, has had domestic violence charges - everything looks perfect. EXCEPT HE HASN'T PLAYED IN 6 YEARS.
How the fuck did that decision ever come around?
"Hey Anthony, last week's performance really wasn't quite up to par."
"I know, CEO of the Broncos, but we're preparing really well for Round 5."
"Fantastic. We're talking recruitment, right?"
"You bet."
"Great, we're on the same page. There's a couple of young centres coming through the QRL that I'd like to get a look at; of course, that would mean we'd have to fuck Darius off - which would free up $800,000 of our salary cap and get rid of a gaping hole in the defensive line, as well as offer something in attack--"
"Te'o."
"..."
"Te'o."
"Anthony, it's 2020. I hate having to remind you of that three times a week."
"Te'o."
"..."
"Te'o."
"If I say yes, will you leave at the end of the season?"
"Te'o."
"Fuck it, good enough. Start packing your shit though."
 |
| For $99, you too could own a repainted Josh Reynolds doll. Jarrod Croker would be rolling in his grave. You know, if he was dead. But he's not. As far as I know. |
Round 5
Manly vs Broncos
Manly will be missing the likes of Jorge Tafua and Curtis Sironen in their lineup tonight, so will probably only win by 40. I think I've shit on the Broncos enough for one day.Warriors vs Cowboys
The Cowboys will be doing something that they haven't tried in about twelve seasons; bringing in a new player. Young gun Hamiso Tabui-Fidow makes his debut on the wing as a threat to the "fastest man in league" moniker, as well as giving Erin Molan an anxiety attack.Parramatta vs Penrith
FUN FACT: Both teams are undefeated this year, but Penrith don't really count because they had a draw and it's basically the same as a loss. Nathan Cleary returns from his ban for dancing like a twat on social media, and I understand that as punishment he also had his MySpace account shut down.Souths vs Titans
NRL Tipping 102: Keep betting against the Titans, last week was a fluke.Newcastle vs Storm
Here's a drinking game to keep you entertained: every time one of the Channel 9 commentators says "oh that's very unMelbourne-like" whenever Melbourne do something typically Melbourne-like, such as Cameron Munster being a grubby fuck, or the Storm #6 opts to run instead of pass, or the five-eighth comes out of his line and misses a tackle, or he drops the ball or gets sin-binned twice in a grand final.The Knights will be looking to keep their giant-slaying form going, all on the back of gun centre Bradman Best, whose parents took a massive fucking gamble when they named him.
Tigers vs Canberra woo go Raiders woo
The Raiders were so keen to get rid of their "Faders" tag by not even competing last week. They come up against their proverbial bunnies, ironically not South Sydney, for round 5. Known niggler (and you know I had to spell check that a thousand times) Curtis Scott comes up against known hot-head and serial grub BJ Leilua; if Scott hasn't had his face ripped off by a very angry Samoan by the twelfth minute, I'll give up Raiders Lime for an entire day.Bulldogs vs Roosters
Fuck, it's an easy little trot for the Chooks lately, huh? First the Borncos and now the Doggies. For those missing cricket at the moment, keep an eye on this score, which is likely to be 0-62.St George vs Cronulla
LOL @ StGeorge, amirite.I'm right, alright. The Dragons haven't managed to cross the stripe in two games, which sounds like even more when you say 160 minutes of football, which sounds a lot worse if you add in the time off since Round 2 ended and say "since 20 March." Stupid Dragons.
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