Despite not actually sitting on top of the premiership ladder currently, the Sydney Fucking Roosters sit on top of the "yeah, we'll probably win this thing again" list like the smug, cheating fucks that they are. I don't care how many times they have defended their playing roster, there is no fucking way on Brett Mullins' lime-green earth that a team can be so stacked with talent and remain compatible with salary cap restrictions. Boyd Cordner's personal CAT-scan team and James Tedesco's new teeth should account for at least 80% of that anyway. I haven't seen such blatant rorting of the system since the Raiders in the mid-90s. How good was that team, just quietly?
The Parramatta Eels were seen as a considerable force to be reckoned with (again) this year, but the difference is that so far they are actually living up to expectations. Despite having a team with no recognised superduper stars, they are working like a Swiss clock, but instead of keeping meticulous time through an intricate system of cogs, they're fucking destroying cunts all over the place. The only issue for the Eels' long-term success this year will be if Michael Jennings' dementia kicks in again and he reverts back to the useless fucking centre that we all know he really is; or if Jai Field has to go on Year 10 camp later in the year.
The Storm are always fucking there or thereabouts, aren't they? I'm actually getting a bit sick of complaining about them and their ongoing success, both on the field and their stranglehold over the Pacific islands, and it also makes them a formidable opponent in the NRL version of Guess Who?
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| "Is your mystery player a giant fuck-off Islander?" "Yes." |
The Panthers are the surprise packet this year, and have managed to even surprise themselves to the tune of sitting pretty in second place, and receive my Big Brother nomination for eviction for "flying under the radar" and "not being themselves" and also "not being here for the right reasons." It's not often that a team with so little talent can find themselves doing so well, so congratulations to them. Despite their current position, I just can't see them following through in the second half of the year, which is both sad and completely expected and therefore really very satisfying indeed.
The Knights and the Raiders were both pegged for having big seasons, but Newcastle have proven themselves to be completely useless when faced with an opposition who are much, much worse than them, and Canberra seemingly entered the year with the expectation that everyone would just let them back into the Grand Final because they're lovable scamps. Unfortunately, a scamp is only lovable when you're not expecting them to do well, otherwise they turn into grubs and no one likes them anymore.
Souths, Manly, Cronulla and the Tigers are now just competing to be fodder for the first week of finals, with the Tigers most likely to miss out and finish 9th for a record 200th year straight. The Sea Chickens and the Guppies have been hit hard by injuries this year... again... and this will probably form the majority of their "why we didn't win again this year" response come September. Maybe if they stop recruiting players with osteoporosis, they'd do better. The Rabbitohs began the year with a decree of mediocrity that developed into ordinariness, and are likely to continue their plane of indifference and unremarkable performances until we completely forget they were even here in the first place. Latrell Who?
The bottom group of the Cowboys, Bulldogs, Titans, Warriors and Dragons are just there to piss off the better teams by having to play them for the next ten weeks or so. There's nothing like coming off a 40-point win against the Bulldogs in Round 16 with a good points differential and three players with ruptured ACLs and a dislocated shoulder. The only really interesting bit about the shit-tier teams is that they basically form their own little competition to try to avoid coming dead-fucking-last in a bid to escape collecting the dreaded Wooden Spoon.
Finally, we have the Broncos, who have attracted their fair share of media attention over the past few months due to their shambolic performances, terrible attitudes, lack of commitment, no cohesion, poor communication, shithouse efforts and, in turn, a complete absence of competition points. In the last twenty minutes of their games, the Broncos have scored a total of four points, and let in 84. That's actually a real stat and not one that I just made up, so I'm going to end this paragraph there so you know just how serious I am about the Broncos being just so fucking terrible at everything they do, including their jerseys and haircuts, which are also really bad. Look at Turpin, what the fuck do you ask for at the hairdressers to get that sort of shit?
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| The classic 'short front and sides' haircut taking prisons and Centrelink queues by storm |
Round 9
North Queensland Cowboys vs Sydney Roosters
The only thing that could save the Cows this week is if the Chooks are so knackered from their hit out against the Storm last week that they won't be able to get up for another game. Unfortunately for the Queensland lads, they've had a whole week to recover, and if you can't play for 80 minutes a week later, you probably should be looking at a new profession that doesn't involve moving. My job, for example. It's actually pretty sweet.
Gold Coast Titans vs New Zealand Warriors
Buoyed by their unlikely win last week, is it too much to consider that the Warriors will take home another victory? Probably. It's also just as likely that the Titans will win, or both teams will lose, or a small dog will wander onto the field and neither team will be able to catch it, and then the small dog will be declared the winner.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Wests Tigers
The Tigers played with a whole lot of heart last week and came up empty-handed (except for Leilua, who still has Dylan Edwards' head in his possession), while the Bunnies played with no heart, no skill, no intensity and the very barest of effort and still managed to win quite convincingly on the scoreboard. I don't think they'll be able to get away with that two weeks in a row, so I'm gonna chalk this one up for the Kitty Cats.
Cronulla Sharks vs Penrith Panthers
You'll never believe what happened last week, guys - Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan both got injured. Why am I not surprised? I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die from not-surprise. The good news is that Shaun Johnson's face came through the game unscathed (phew). My tip is that Penrith will be too good, but just not as handsome, but when you have munters like James Tamou running around, you have to expect that.
Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs
For the sake of keeping the Broncos' losing streak going, I will continue to tip them. Brissy coach Anthony "Big Changes Are Coming" Siebold threatened to make "Big Changes" to the struggling team and then revealed that "No Changes" were actually made from the team that lost to New Zealand last week. So I guess that's something. Will this coaching masterstroke pay off? Only time will tell.
Canberra Raiders WOO vs Melbourne Storm
The mighty Green Machine limped home with a broken face last week and didn't prove a whole lot to anyone doubting their premiership credentials, while the Storm impressed with a hard-fought win in a very entertaining see-sawing match that was won and lost five times in the last ten minutes. This weekend is the first of four tough-as-fuck rounds for Canberra, after which they will be proudly stapled deep in the top four, dating supermodels with the Roosters, or fucked off to the bottom of the shit heap, swapping Tazos and smoking durries in the Maccas carpark with the Dragons.
Newcastle Knights vs Parramatta Eels
Phroar, how good were the Eels last week? Plenty fucken good, that's how. They put the Cowboys away without resorting to touch-football tactics and flashiness; they just stuck to their lines, ran effective patterns, supported the ball carrier, kept the ball away from Blake Ferguson and lobbed it to Maika Sivo whenever they wanted to watch Kyle Feldt shit himself on the field. Four times, for the record. The Knights scraped through against a determined Manly; they'll have to perform a lot better and pay the refs a lot more if they want to notch up a win here though.
St George Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles
There's nothing like ending the round with a game of dross nonsense, and so here we are. I have to give credit where it's due, and Des Hasler has done an amazing job at Manly for the last few seasons - he has dealt with off-field indiscretions, injuries, retirements, the fact that he's still at fucking Manly, that he's still rocking a mullet, and yet is still able to rile his team up for a match even when their season is looking a bit rocky. Credit also to his St George counterpart, and it's nice to see that Paul McGregor is still alive, allegedly.
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