Story of the Day

I was feeling pretty sick earlier today.  Not illness-sick though; siiiick sick. So sick, in fact, that I did a kick-flip off my balcony and landed on my BMX and then popped a mono while I rode to work.

Thought of the day

I heard that when people get too big to get weighed at the doctor’s office or hospital, they take them to the zoo.  As a society, we shouldn't reward the morbidly obese like this. What's next, taking smokers to the aquarium and heroin addicts to the movies?  

Conspiracy Theory of the Day

You know, I have never seen anyone actually performing the surveys they use for Family Feud.

Thought of the Day

Whoever invented banana flavouring had obviously never eaten a banana before, and was just happy to have made it yellow.

Movie Review of a Movie I Haven't Seen of the Day: Alice Through the Looking Glass

It has been over six years since we were left unimpressed by Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, and now comes director James Bobin's sequel, starring Johnny Depp as Quirky Annoying Character Who Shouldn't Be the Main Character... But Is, and Helena Bonham-Carter as A Character that Helena Bonham-Carter would play.

If you didn't like the first one, you probably won't like this one either.  And if you liked the first one, then you are probably just impressed by colour and movement. 

Two stars.

Goal of the Day

One day, I'd like to be that arsehole who sorts their online shopping by "Price: high to low."

Observation of the day

No matter what else I do in life, I will never be as lazy as the guy that named the waterfall.

Joke of the Day

I bought my brother an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it."

Instruction of the Day

Here is how you whittle a wooden horse:

Step 1: get a block of wood.

Step 2: remove any wood that doesn't resemble a horse.



Congratulations, you now have a wooden horse.

Helpful Tip of the Day

If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself sleeping on the streets, try and find an Apple store to bunk down in front of. This way the police will think you're just waiting for the next iPhone to be released.

Movie review of the Day

Magic Mike XXL

This movie is absolute nonsense on stilts.  A bunch of male strippers do a road-trip to the Mecca of male strippers – which is actually not the worst idea in the world for a movie about male strippers – but they ruin it with awkward dialogue, too much spiritual wank, and what I think is meant to be a sub-text of feminism, but boils down to the fact that every problem can be solved by getting a lap-dance.  My favourite part was when Childish Gambino (Donald Glover) advertises his new album to the strippers while he drives them to their hotel from the brothel where he works sings.  In a movie franchise about male strippers, there’s a distinct lack of stripping, and as a result, the final act plays out like a bad X-Factor audition.    

One-liner of the day

I saw the Human Torch the other day. I asked him for an autograph, but he just kept rolling around screaming on the floor of the petrol station.

SPOOKY story of the day

clomp clomp clomp came the sound of Martin's upstairs neighbours clomp clomp clommmmp. "Well I've had enough of this," thought Martin, as he remembered every day for the last two years the constant clomp clomp clomp through his roof during Family Feud, so he went upstairs to his neighbours' door to tell them off but when he got to their door, no one answered the door when he knocked on the door and when he tried the door handle it opened and the house was empty just like it had always been for two years or maybe more.  

One liner of the day

My friend was about to get attacked by a duck. I tried to warn him, but it only made it worse.

Thought of the day

People often ask me why I don't like spiders.  There are a few reasons, to be honest.  One is because they spin webs across my driveway and I walk through them every morning.  Another reason is when they wait until you fall asleep, then they burrow into your skin and devour your insides and wear your skin around town like a dressing-gown, and then it goes to bars and maxes out your credit cards, calls your ex-girlfriends, crashes your car and vomits all over your stuff, but by this point it's not even your stuff any more, and now whatever was left of you has been regurgitated over what used to be your entire life.

Horrible things, spiders.

Picture of the day

This is the current leader in the "World's Straightest Banana" competition, which is arguably the greatest banana-themed competition in the world.

Tip of the day

You can avoid the hassle of brushing your teeth by adding toothpaste to your meals.

Thought of the day

When I started learning how to speak French in school, I never anticipated how interested people in France would be to hear about my family.

Thought of the day

Whenever I use an automatic hand dryer after going to the toilet, I need to hit the button twice.  The first one doesn’t stay on for long enough, but the second one stays on for way too long.  In the end, I’m just holding my dry hands underneath it to be polite.

Joke of the Day

I saw an ad for a radio that said: "For sale - $1 - volume stuck on full."  

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down."