NRL 2020 - Finals Week 1

It's finals week in the NRL, so that means it's time to knuckle down at training, perfect backline movements, get tougher in defence, grab a random doctor to falsify a blood test in a car park and prescribe some valium under a different name to bring us all down after a week of hoovering up ketamine and assaulting our pregnant wives (note: allegedly) before we hit the field for some top-class rugby league. 

In a story that just couldn't come at a better time, Souths are in some shit for covering up the antics of former player Sam Burgess, who has seemingly relinquished his "English larrakin" moniker in place of "Fuckin grubby cunt" as documents have come to light about rampant drug use, domestic violence, and the lengths that the South Sydney club went to in order to cover it all up.  It's not a great look for the sport, and couldn't come at a worse time since we finally got Brisbane a wooden spoon and everyone was happy.  

Unfortunately it's not the first time that Souths have been involved in covering up a couple of handy misdemeanours, with Greg Inglis, Luke Burgess, John Sutton and Cody Walker all benefitting from being swept under the rug - and based on the size of those players, that's either a really big rug, or some amazing sweeping.  You just wouldn't get that kind of service from a Roomba.  

Sam has reportedly denied the allegations, although no one could really understand a word of what he said, possibly due to his thick accent and the fact that he was sucking on a Chupa Chup at the time. 

This is what my blog has come to - memes

Finals Week 1

Penrith Panthers vs Sydney Roosters

The Panthers wrapped up the minor premiership with a standard 40-point flogging of the Bulldogs last week, just in time to take on the reigning premiers in the Sydney Roosters, fresh after conceding 60-points last week.  It will be interesting to see if they can bounce back from such a shellacking, and knowing the fucking Roosters, they fucking will.  However, I'm going to stick with the Panthers, as they have been the form team all year, and they deserve to go all the way to the Granny before getting destroyed by someone like the Raiders.  

Canberra Milk Mighty Raiders gorn piss off vs Cronulla Sharks

It was an interesting match up last week when these teams played each other, with both outfits opting to pit their players' children against each other instead of risking injury to their established first-graders.  This week, both teams have unsurprisingly named full-strength sides in what should be a much different affair but with a strangely similar outcome.  Raiders by twelve million.  Easy peasy, mofos.  Put your house on it and buy twelve million more when it pays off.

Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels

Oh dear Parra, how did you even get here?  For a team to have been as rubbish as the Eels have been for so long, it's hard to work out how they even managed to stay in the top 4 all year.  I'm just going to assume that they changed the ladder on NRL.com and no one noticed or cared.  I cannot even imagine this going any other way but a comprehensive Melbourne win.  If the Eels do somehow manage to win this, they should also win Australia's Got Talent for their dedication to impersonating a shithouse footy team for about four months.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Newcastle Knights

I hope Newcastle have their gender-reveal footballs ready to punt into the crowd, because that's about the only thing they'll be celebrating this weekend.  I don't see them causing too much trouble this weekend, or any other weekend really, unless Mitch Pearce wants to head out on the town with Sammy Burgess.  Souths have a bit of a tumultuous weekend to put at the back of their mind to focus on the footy, but as history shows, they are quite good at ignoring the big issues.  

NRL 2020 Round 20: Mad Monday Eve

Well, we did it.  We managed to make it through an entire year of National NRL Rugby League, and we only had half a dozen players arrested; probably because the rest of them are in wheelchairs or have broken necks or are still working through their Head Injury Assessment tests.

The more astute readers may have noticed that I did not have a blog for last round.  The less astute of you may not have realised that I actually do write this every week, and the least astute may not have even known that this blog even exists, or know what "astute" means.  Let's just say that I did manage to pick last week's full round of winners as well as correctly guessing each winning margin.  So basically, just another day for me really.

This round marks the end of the regular NRL season, so "thanks for coming" to the rabble propping up the ladder and making the Sharks occasionally appear as an almost decent team of satisfactory players performing to the absolute bare minimum at random points this year.  Better luck next year, maybe you guys could try sacking your coach more often, or even get some results out of marquee players that you're paying millions of dollars instead of rewarding them with Ooshies for them to not influence the game at all.  I have a glitter Mandalorian Ooshie, by the way.  Don't be jealous.  

We will also farewell a deadset legend of the game, whose career at Origin level was unparalleled, and his efforts on the field - not just in terms of ball playing, but his leadership and sportsmanship - were testaments to the legacy that he is leaving behind.  Tim Glasby, thank you for your service.

Tim Glasby - QLD forward and part time speed bump has announced his retirement 

Round 20 will also see the final appearance of Darius Boyd, as he sets himself for a swansong performance of arm waving and appealing to the referee for one last time as a player.  During his long career, Darius has actually been described as "pretty good", which is a fair way off from his form over the last couple of seasons, where he looked more like the player I am controlling in a FIFA video game when I forget which colour I am, but hold down the "sprint" button for the entire game.  

The last round of the season is always a tricky one to pick, as the sides leaving the comp have nothing but pride, contract negotiations and SuperCoach points to play for, and the sides heading into finals are just trying to avoid having their best players' ACLs getting shifted up their bumholes, so they rest them and name a bunch of blokes from the pub to play instead.  

Round 20

Brisbane Broncos vs North Queensland Cowboys

Well this is it - the first chance that the Broncos have to take out the Wooden Spoon since their inception in 1988.  It's not every game that the Cowboys are favourites to win - probably because they're fucking terrible - but they will have the support of every Bronco-fucking-hating NRL punter in Australia, plus a few pissed-off Brissy supporters, to make sure that they end this dismal season for the Horsies in the way they deserve.

Gold Coast Titans vs Newcastle Knights

The Tits have actually been doing really well the last few games, and have strung together four wins in a row, not only breaking a Gold Coast record, but also winning their first ever match of Connect Four.  This one could be an interesting match, as the Knights are struggling for consistency and will be desperate to prove themselves as contenders, and the best way to do that is to beat up a kid smaller than you.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

The Roosters have named a pretty full-strength side to take on the Bunnies in a game that means literally fuck all, so we could be seeing a fairly relaxed approach to the game; look for Luke Keary to avoid all forms of contact.  Also look for Liam Knight to go hunting for him.  Fuck it, no one likes Knight anyway, so he might as well kill a bloke.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Penrith Panthers

In a perfect world, the Doggies would win this one to ensure that Brisbane finish last.  In the real world, though, they'll probably lose by 20.  

Cronulla Sharks vs Canberra Raiders

The Raiders are pulling no punches this week, naming superstars like Matt Timoko and Matt Frawley (and probably other blokes not called Matt too) to take on the all-conquering Cronulla team.  Fun fact: if the Sharks win, it will be their first victory over a side in the top eight all year.  I'm tipping Cronulla to win this one; the Raiders' side has less first-grade experience than Soliola has had facial fractures this year.

Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels

Ugh, this game is going to suck.  Two teams so desperate to regain a semblance of domination is going to lead to wild cut-out passes into the fourth row of the crowd and ridiculous tackles.  It could be entertaining, but in the same way that watching cock fights is; you're only in it for the cultural experience and free nuggets at the end.

New Zealand Warriors vs Manly Sea Eagles

Go you Warriors.  A tough year for them, after being forced into lockdown in a foreign country where they don't speak the language or understand the nuances behind our culture, being forced to watch The Masked Singer only to have the final reveal be the chick who used to go out with Brax on Home and Away about ten years ago.  It's been rough.  The Sea Eagles have also had their fair share of bad luck, with Turbo Tom Trbojevic being rushed back from snapping his leg in half last week, only to rip his arm off.  Luckily, he has still declared himself "fit for Origin", so coach Freddy Fittler will have a tough decision to make in how he announces that Turbo will not be required to leave his iron lung prematurely.  I'd do it by text, myself, but that's because I'm a purist.

St George Dragons vs Melbourne Storm

Oh god can this season just end please?  Wait, it is.  The Storm have named a less-than-100% team for this hit out, but I don't think they will be troubled too much in any case; remember when the Dragons lost against their own reserve-grade side?  I do.  It wasn't even that long ago.

NRL 2020 Round 18: Classic Chad

In nature, there are traditionally two schools of thought on how best to survive in the wild - fight or flight.  Basically explained, it describes how you would react in a confrontation; depending on your position in the food chain, it might be better to evade predators by running or flying away, climbing a tree, or hiding.  For others, they have found that the best form of defense is attack, and will use their size or strength to overcome a predator.  An antelope, for instance, will run away when a lion is sniffing around, whereas a rhinoceros would most likely challenge a predator to a bit of argy-bargy instead of resorting to a quick jog to safety.

In the NRL, players have a similar approach to their work.  Some are more adept at flight, such as Josh Addo-Carr, who is roughly on par with The Flash, while others like Josh Papalli would prefer to just knock over anyone in his path.  

There are certain special players though, who possess both the fight and flight instincts, such as Chad Townsend.  Chad made headlines this week following his "tackle" on Kalyn Ponga during last week's loss to Newcastle.  I have included a clip below.  note:  I have been made aware that some video clips aren't showing up on mobile phones when accessing this blog, so you might be wondering what the fuck I'm talking about when I slip a video in.  I don't know what to do, I've asked Bill Gates, Zuckerberg and that Wozniak bloke to look into it.

When questioned about his controversial hit on Ponga, which was performed from an offside position, in an illegal shoulder-charge, was aimed at the head, and delivered after the play had actually been stopped, Chad's response was that he was startled by the referee's whistle, and he leapt into the air just as Ponga was coming towards him.  He braced for impact and that's what caused the ugly contact.  So what we have here, nature lovers, is Chad Townsend attempting to take off and fly away from danger while simultaneously attacking the head of the person or object nearest to him.  It's a unique evolutionary trait, and is probably slightly more useful than flinging poo at people.

There is an argument, however, that if the sound of a whistle scares you that much, maybe being a professional football player is not the best career choice.  Other jobs Chad should avoid in the future include directing traffic, being a marching band instructor, train conductor, anything to do with birds, and playing Captain Von Trapp in The Sound of Music.  

Round 18

Wests Tigers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Rabbits were very impressive last week, and should carry on the job again this round.  I am expecting them to sprint out to a 20-0 lead before ordinary defensive efforts close to the line let the Tigers back into it.  Alex Johnston is usually a good bet to score a bunch of tries, but will probably lose control of a simple pass with an unchecked path to the tryline with about five minutes to go.  Nevertheless, the Bunnies will hold on and probably win by 2.  

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Manly Sea Eagles

The fairytale we all want is for the Broncos to win their first ever Wooden Spoon, and in order for that to happen, the Bulldogs need to win at least one more game.  It's up to Manly to keep the dream alive, but because it's Manly, they'll probably win this game to annoy everyone.

Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels

The Panthers put on a deadset training run last week, and still managed to comfortably win, rarely spreading the ball to their strike players and just hitting the ball up for some safe, albeit boring, football.  Hopefully this week they try to stave off the snoozefest and pump the everliving fuck out of the Eels.

St George Dragons vs Mighty Fuckoff Canberra Raiders

The Dragons are not to be underestimated - they have managed to put in some decent performances this year, and have been mostly competitive despite, you know, losing a lot.  I'm hoping that the Raiders use this game as an opportunity to bounce back from last week's disappointing loss and fuck some shit up.  

Gold Coast Titans vs Brisbane Broncos

It's a true battle for Queensland supremacy as the perennial "little brother" Titans aim to continue the season of woe for the wonky donkey Broncos.  I'm predicting a huge step up from Brissy this week, and I feel terrible, but I am going to tip them.  I'm sorry.  I feel like I've let everyone down.  

Sydney Roosters vs Newcastle Knights

The Roosters struggled through 70 minutes of football last week, relying on Sonny Bill Williams to come on for 10 minutes to inspire them.  I think most people in the world were in awe of SBW, to be honest, including people who have never seen him before, or even know what rugby league is.  Fun fact:  Sonny Bill can cure coronavirus and restore people's faith in Christmas simply by sitting on the bench all game.

Melbourne Storm vs North QLD Cowboys

This one could get embarrassing for the Cows.  Here's hoping.

Cronulla Sharks vs New Zealand Warriors

Carn you Warriors.  Everyone's favourite "they're not my team, but I hope they do well" team, while Cronulla are quickly becoming everyone's favourite "they're not Manly, but I hate them just as much" team.  Both teams are still vying for a spot in the finals, and to be honest, it won't matter which one makes it through as they will be eliminated in the first round anyway.  But uh... go Warriors.

NRL Round 17: Thank you, Brisbane

 It's pretty rare that other NRL clubs would thank another team at any point during the season, but I think a few might need to send a bottle of wine and a box of Cadbury's Favourites over to the Brisbane Broncos once the 2020 season has come to a broken, bloodied end.  

Teams like the Bulldogs and the Cowboys should fire up the barbecue and invite a few of the Broncs around for a couple of snags and a few beers while the cricket is on, and thank them personally for being not only fucking terrible, but for being so fucking terrible that they have basically been able to be just as fucking terrible but not have anyone really give a fuck.  The fact that both the Dogs and the Cows have fired their coaches is completely irrelevant; they didn't perform before they were sacked, and they haven't performed since.  If this was a Scooby Doo episode, Fred and the gang would have tied up Paul Green to remove his mask and reveal that it was the entire Cowboys squad all along.  And they would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling opposition players.  Zoinks and jinkies.

The Broncos not only haven't been winning an awful lot this year, it's not even the way that they have been losing that's amazing to watch, it's the shit that is going on in the in-bred Game of Thrones-style boardroom management sessions behind the scenes that's the real story.  The coach had the"full support" of the Broncos board, then he had five games to turn the season around, then he was fired a week later.  The team is about as divided as any sporting club could ever be, with senior players breaking rank to talk shit about the coach to the media, fucking about with obvious isolation restrictions, ripping up their contracts to head off to other clubs, threatening to leave and then having the poorest judgement to talk to the media and admit that illegal third-party-payments were missing.  Meanwhile, the same bunch of fucking idiots are turning up and putting on a jersey every week, missing tackles and dropping balls and not giving a flying fuck, because they still get their money at the end of the day, regardless of how often they're getting fucked over by 50 points.

At least the other teams fighting it out to win the Wooden Spoon this year occasionally look like they're trying, and shit performances aren't ignored by the "old boys" running the club because half the team buys their coke off them anyway.

I mean, that's probably a bit much to thank a few guys for over a burnt sausage and a chicken skewer that still has flecks of alfoil sticking to it, but they could probably build up to that by the second innings of the cricket (Australia in early trouble, but put on a respectable total thanks to a middle-order fightback from Smith and Labuschange, by the way).  

Round 17

Brisbane Broncos vs Penrith Panthers

If this was a Disney movie about the determined underdog coming up against the high-flying contenders, the Broncos would still lose.  If the Panthers turn up and don't get distracted in the second half like they've been doing lately, we could see a new world record set tonight.  Kikau and Crichton will be the first players to score 10 tries each in a game.  

Newcastle Knights vs Cronulla Sharks

Newcastle have been playing like balls lately, and I'm pointing a big fat finger at Mitchell Pearce and Kalyn Ponga, who are both starting to believe their own hype and wondering why the defense isn't parting like Moses through the Red Sea.  Probably because they're not Jesus' second cousin or however Moses got his super powers in the Bible.  I skipped the part between Genesis and Revelations.  

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Melbourne Storm

This game has the definite possibility of maybe becoming a potential candidate for what may be perhaps the Game of the Round.  The Rabbits looked shit hot last week, and could surprise the Storm here.  I'm tipping the Storm, but only because I just need to get this done really quickly and it's the Storm, so...  you know.  They do tend to win a lot.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Wests Tigers

Nobody cares about this game, probably not even the players.  They should just play against each other in a game of Rugby League Live on Playstation and I think it would provide more entertainment.

Mighty Canberra Milk Raiders WOO vs Sydney Roosters

Well, the countdown to Sonny Bill's NRL revival is almost over, with Fox Sports delivering us a channel dedicated to what will most likely be Sonny Bill sitting on the bench for sixty minutes before copping a Hudson Young special right in the retina.  Welcome back, you fucking slug.  I also think the Roosters will win, and that makes me sad.  The Raiders have been too slow to wake the fuck up in games this year, and they can't afford to hit the snooze button against this bunch of show pony pretty boys.  I reckon we'll hurt a few Chooks players in the meantime though.

New Zealand Warriors vs Parramatta Eels

Well the Eels have let everyone down lately.  I'm not only mad, I'm also disappointed and hungry.  Here's fucking cheers to a Warriors win.  

North Queensland Cowboys vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Well, someone has to win, right?  Why not the slightly less shit team?

My new man-crush at the Raiders, Mr Tom Starling.  He's also about a foot shorter than me, so I can still be big spoon.

NRL 2020, Round 16: It's Death on a Stick Out There

The title of this week's blog is a quote from the greatest movie ever made about an FBI investigation into a group of surfing bank robbers, Point Break, starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze.  Don't worry about the remake, by the way, it's complete fucking rubbish.  It's not even fun in a "so bad it's good" way, it's just shit from start to finish.  When Gerard Butler doesn't want to be involved in a movie and chooses to do London Has Fallen and Hunter Killer instead, you know things are going to be bad.  Fucking hell, it was really shit.  Nothing about it was good, at all.  Even the sky diving and wing-suit bits were fucked, how the fuck can you make travelling at a million miles an hour appear boring?!  Not to mention Johnny Utah's ridiculous back story - an FBI agent who used to be a fucking motocross rider?  It just makes no sense, especially since motorbikes weren't even used in the fucking movie!  

I just need to take a break for a bit.  I might lie down or watch Speed or something to take my mind off things for a while.

Ok.  I'm all right now.  

Sadly, Point Break doesn't reference rugby league at all, but the reference to "death on a stick" is quite an apt description of the current state of play when it comes to injuries at the moment.  When it comes to playing professional contact sport, you expect the occasional injury - a concussion from an errant arm, a busted shoulder from a mistimed tackle on a bloke the size of a fridge, or a sore hand from scoring tries against the Broncos for nine weeks straight.  This year the league has seen a huge number of injuries, ranging from the usual things like broken skulls to hamstring tears, but also a lot of anterior cruciate ligament (ACLs) - which is basically the bit that holds your leg together and is very handy when it comes to standing, walking, and in the case of certain Souths players, fly-kicking some blokes during a street brawl.  

A lot of people are blaming the "six-again" rule for the spate of injuries due to the increased speed of the game, others are looking at the playing surface, some are questioning tackling tactics and techniques, players' fitness is being scrutinised, the playing schedule has copped some blame, a few people are also looking suspiciously at the Storm for being involved in it somehow.  Basically, injuries will happen in sport.  A lot of the time, it's an innocuous tackle, or a slight change in direction or shift in weight that just throws the whole fucking human body out of whack.  Other times, it's an obvious one like a knee that bends backwards because you've got a walrus masquerading as a footy player jumping around on it.  Welcome to 2020, the Year of Fuckedness; if you just make it through the season alive, you should be thankful.  The NRL Grand Final is probably going to be decided by whichever two teams can actually produce 13 players, or provisions will have to be made to have wheelchairs on the field.  At worst, allowances for two non-players to carry around another player Weekend At Bernies-style should be looked at.  

Round 16

Parramatta Eels vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Eels have cooled off so much recently that they're in danger of catching hypothermia, while Souths are coming in like space blankets & sipping some hot water (just in case anyone reading this actually catches hypothermia).  I think the Eels will lift for this game, but after spending so long idling in neutral, might find it hard to actually change up a gear.  Note: if this happens to you, please take your car to the mechanic, as it might be a serious issue with your transmission. I'm tipping a Souths win, but it should be worth mentioning that all of my "upset" tips for a Thursday night have all been fucking horrendous lately.

St George Dragons vs Gold Coast Titans

With the Titans boasting a forward pack that I reckon I could knock over with a light nudge (I have been working out though; yesterday I did four pushups [on my knees] as I was looking for an M&M that rolled under the couch), St George should maintain their recent run of "form" and really give their fans a case of fuck guys, why didn't you win more earlier in the season when you were still a chance of making the finals-itis.

Sydney Roosters vs Brisbane Broncos

Those madlads in Brisbane finally did it - they pissed off their coach enough that he "walked" away from the job.  I guess it's easy to walk away when someone has a gun in the back of your head (metaphorically, of course; although Tevita Pangai Jr might know a guy, if you do need someone to hold a gun to someone's head).  FUN FACT:  teams that get rid of their coach win 42% of the time the following week.  I think that this game is going to be one of the 58% that goes the other way, just quietly, and the Broncs will be lucky if they only get 58 points put on them.

New Zealand Warriors vs Newcastle Knights

I don't think I could possibly overstate this enough:  nobody cares.  Newcastle, New Zealand, fuck it, it's the same place anyway, so I don't even see why this game should exist in the first place.  Ridiculous.  

Cronulla Sharks vs North Queensland Cowboys

Let me check my copy of "Guide to Tipping":  Cronulla: pack of cheats and wankers.  Don't let Shaun Johnson's jawline fool you, and don't get lost in his eyes.  The Sharks are all terrible and shouldn't even be allowed in the competition.  This guide is pretty spot-on so far.   Cowboys:  it's hard to determine whether they're worse at attack or defending, because they can't really do either.  Doctors believe that the entire team may actually be allergic to grass and footballs, and shouldn't even be allowed in the competition.  This is a great guide - oh wait, I wrote it.  And it's on a McDonalds napkin.  And soaked in beer.    

Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers

I was contemplating a mahoosive upset in this game, as it's about time the Panthers clocked off for a while, and where they have lost a couple of strike weapons for this game, the Tigers have gained a couple back from injury and suspension and parole.  I'm going to stick with the Penny Panthers, but only just and only because I don't really care that much.  

Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles

With Manly still licking their wounds from last week's hammering, along come the Storm to fuck them up some more.  Oh wait, with Smith and Munster and probably a bunch of giant-fuck-off forwards as well.  Well, I guess that's what you get for being Manly.

Canberra Motherfucking Raiders WOO vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Oh don't mind me, it's the game of the round - the NRL and rugby league world in general is frothing at the mouth to see this monumental match-up of 5th vs 16th.  The Raiders should piss this one in, and if they don't they shouldn't even be in the competition.  

If I was going to do an NRL remake of Point Break, Nicho Hynes would be Bodhi

NRL 2020 Round 15: Titan Bites Johnson, Broncos Eat Shit

What would a weekly blog about the NRL be without taking a huge steaming pile of number twos right on the Broncos?  Coincidentally, that is exactly how club legend Julian O'Neil got fired, but that's a story for another day.

This week, the National Broncos League shot themselves in the foot by concentrating on trying to bring online trolls to justice for spreading rumours about coach Anthony Siebold, who has hired Liam Neeson to track down these keyboard warriors with his particular set of skills that he acquired over a very long career.  Personally, I would have just said "no, it's not true that I sit down to wee" and concentrated a bit more on, you know, coaching my struggling football team instead of worrying about what a fucking idiot on the computer is blogging about instead of doing his work.  

Star centre and part-time porn star Kotoni Staggs showered in petrol and threw himself on the proverbial fire by calling out the club's "leadership group" for not being "good leaders" but then announced that he was "a good leader" while handing over a couple of grand for leading the players outside of their COVID quarantine bubble and hitting the slot machines at the local RSL.  It's good to see that Stagg's defense off the field is as confusing as his efforts while playing.

Everyone's new favourite team, the Gold Coast Titans, did their little brother club a solid this week and tried to take the heat off Brisbane by embroiling themselves in a media circus surrounding Kevin Proctor being accused of biting Shaun Johnson during their game against Cronulla.  I was disappointed that there were no headlines of "Man Bites Shark" in the Telegraph or "Rugby player takes Johnson in the mouth" on PornHub.  Proctor was subsequently banned for four games for having a nibble on Johnson, who was described as 'a snack' during judicial proceedings (and found guilty).  For such a breach of the rules - not only for player safety, but also morally - I would have thought a harsher penalty might be in order, like having to play for the Broncos for a month, but this punishment was deemed to breach the international human rights treaty under the United Nations Convention Against Torture.  

As if you wouldn't have a bite on this

Round 15:

Parramatta Eels vs Melbourne Storm

The Storm head into the match on a high after smashing the ever-living fuck out of the Roosters last week, although will be severely undermanned this round with fresh injuries to Jahrome Hughes, Dale Finucane and Suliasi Vunivalu.  Parra have once again managed to avoid the injury curse currently plaguing the league, but have a lot of work to do after a disappointing loss last week to the Dragons.  I'm tipping the Storm to battle through and take this one, based on nothing much at all. 

Penrith Panthers vs Cronulla Sharks

In a game of two halves, the Panthers have shown that they are a team of two sides - showing flair and brilliance in attack in the first forty minutes, and then displaying their fragility and ineptitude in defense in the second.  Either way, the worst Penriff defense will trump the best Cronulla attack.  Look for Matt Moylan to injure himself trying to open a pre-game Powerade.  Those caps can be tough to get off, but how he manages to dislocate his ankle while doing it will be the main concern.

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Dragons

I would rarely punt for any team with Corey Norman in it, but I just can't see the Broncos winning anything right now.  Adding to their woes, Brisbane keep managing to injure each other at training, which is surprising in itself as they don't play like a team who has done much practice.  The latest casualty is Tommy Flegler, who will require shoulder surgery following an incident during the week - possibly during a drunken game of Hoppo Bumpo.  Anthony Milford makes an early return for the Broncos after some pretend hamstring injuries, which only increases my predictions that the Saints will take this one easily. 

Gold Coast Titans vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO

Go you Raiders.  This one won't be a walk in the park, as the Tits are actually putting together some very decent performances lately, so it either means that the team has finally started clicking, or it's contract negotiation time.  Maybe if Canberra could not fuck around for the first half like they did last week, that would be great.  It was so painful to watch that it hurt Ricky Stuart's back.    

Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters

The Roosters have resisted rushing Sonny Bill Williams into the team to cover even more injuries from last week, including star playmaker Luke Keary, who has done his shoulder from carrying this overpaid bunch of sooks for the last six weeks.  Normally I would tip against the Roosters in this situation, but the Tigers only just got over the Bulldogs last week, so they're not exactly playing top-tier footy either.  I'm predicting a Roosters win, based on controversy, with injuries to two players and Jared Waera-Hargreaves to be put on report.  Again.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles

This will be a desperate game for both teams to win; Souths need to solidify their spot in the top eight, and Manly need to win to remain in finals contention just in time for all of their players to come back from injury (and then lose again).  Souths have a stronger team on paper, and that's where this game will be won or lost.  On paper.  In the bin.  The recycling bin.  Because I care for the environment.  But not like heaps.  Just enough.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors

So maybe it was Stephen Keaney who was holding the Warriors back this whole time?  While I would love to see the Doggies get up to pile more pressure onto the Broncos to come last, I don't know if I want to see it happen at the Warriors expense.  Maybe Newcastle or the Tigers, or a team that no one cares that much about?  

Newcastle Knights vs North Queensland Cowboys

I am predicting the most free-flowing game of the year here.  Both teams have a couple of flyers who are probably desperate to get into open space.  Cowboys' speed-merchant (not that kind of speed, Jesse Bromwich) Hamiso "The Hammer" Tabuai-Fidow scored one of the tries of the year last week with an insane display of toe (not that kind of toe, Kotoni Staggs), and I'd be happy for my tips (not the frosted kind, Dylan Brown) to get fucked up (no, 1997 Newcsatle Knights team) to see some more of that.

NRL 2020 Round 14: I Feel Fine

Not much has happened in the NRL this week, with just the business-as-usual Broncos players stepping down from leadership duties, Broncos players being stood down for breaching COVID restrictions at a pub, Broncos players being fined down for breaching COVID restrictions at an RSL - and a fucking terrible one at that, Broncos players banned for involvement with outlaw bikie gangs, Broncos players breaking their legs, Broncos players looking to change clubs, Broncos players looking to change sports, Broncos coaches seeking legal advice for extra-marital insinuations on Twitter, and Broncos fans setting fire to their jerseys outside the club headquarters.  Thanks for spending $180 on a jersey, fuckwit.  I know you're just going to go out and buy another one.

According to the bubble outside of Brisbane, other things happened too: mid-season player swaps, drops, retirements and signings, with the big news that coach Paul McGregor has finally been given his marching orders from St George, just as the club was starting to actually perform quite well.  As the old saying goes, good players don't always make good coaches, and in this case, average players make even more average coaches.  You will be missed, mostly by Corey Norman, whose career seemingly relied on you being in charge at the Dragons. 

 Round 14:

Sydney Roosters vs Melbourne Storm

Two of the league's heavyweights square-off to kick start the round in explosive fashion.  Unfortunately in the case of this metaphor, both heavyweights are missing their arms and the Roosters only have the use of one leg, and the Melbourne boxer is drunk and has quite limited vision.  What an exciting match-up this one will be.

NZ Warriors vs Penrith Panthers

The Panthers have officially hit their peak form, and put together a near-perfect first half last week to announce it.  The Warriors will do well to lose this one by 40.

Parramatta Eels vs St George Dragons

Parra slithered home in the wettest game of the year last week, and will hope to put together a solid game against a steadily-improving-but-still-a-bit-shit Dragons team.  What better way to send out coach Paul McGregor than a valiant 42-8 loss?

Cronulla Sharks vs Gold Coast Titans

Who would have thought that the Titans would be the most successful Queensland club in 2020?  Not me, and I doubt even the Titans players' mums would have thought so either.  It could be the coach, the new rules to encourage free-flowing play, or the threat of incoming players next year that have given the Gold Coast the incentive they need to actually play footy.  PS. I'm tipping the Sharks anyway.

North Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Oh Cowboys, what happened to you?  You used to be so adequate - mediocre, even.  I'd go so far as to say "almost satisfactory".  Souths are threatening to put together a full 80-minute performance, and they might as well give it a crack against these numpties.  This one could blow out pretty badly, I reckon.  Even Latrell Mitchell might do something. 

Canberra fucking Raiders go you good things vs Brisbane Broncos

The Broncos have been hard at training at the leagues club, slapping the pokies and sinking schooeys in preparation for this one.  I don't want to say that this game is a foregone conclusion, but the Broncos have already written their apology to their fans and members for their poor showing.  It reads similarly to the last 12 weeks.  The Raiders have focused heavily on their defense this year; I think we're going to see their offensive flair kick in this weekend. I have my tissues ready. 

Newcastle Knights vs Manly Sea Eagles

Newy bounced back last week with a pretty decent win, while the Manlies continued to struggle and went down like $2 hookers again.  All I'm hearing coming out of Manly is "wait til we get Turbo back!"  Fucking hell, if your team relies on a broken fullback this much, maybe you should have signed one with legs that work.  

Wests Tigers vs Canterbury Bulldogs

And this is the way we end the round.  Nicely scheduled, NRL.  By this stage of the weekend, everyone has their Sunday night "oh fuck off, Monday" face on, so why not put this dross on for the rugby league faithful to well-and-truly cap off the weekend and make us wonder if the AFL might be worth a watch instead?

I'm expecting eighteen of these tries on Saturday night.  No pressure, Raiders.

NRL 2020 Round 13 - A few of my favourite things, Part 1

There's a reason that watching sport has been popular for thousands of years, whether it was admiring how far Ugh the caveman from the next clan over could throw a rock, to Gladiatorus the Gladiator wrecking cunts with his spear in the gladiatorial arena, or simply seeing Usain Bolt get fucking motoring down the 100m stretch.  It's the simple notion of someone doing something unremarkable, and making it remarkable, and then watching them perform for our entertainment.  The same could be said for reading a great book, watching an amazing film or play, observing a grand-master chess player, viewing a painting or other things that Sims do.

Rugby League is no different.  As a game, it's just 26 blokes running into each other for 80 minutes, but underneath that, there are infinite cogs working to create a strategy to play out a spectacle.  There are big men doing big man things, quick men doing quick man things, guys who could tackle a rhinoceros if they needed to, all working as one organism to carry a ball forward.

In this first of however-many-it-takes-when-I-can't-think-of-things-to-write-about, I will look at my favourite parts of the NRL and why I love it.

After every tackle, the player in possession of the ball must "play" it, by placing it on the ground and rolling it backwards with their foot to an awaiting player, and the ballet starts anew.  It's a pretty simple task that most players are able to successfully complete about a million per cent of the time.

Sometimes though, it's nice to see the wheels come off, and remind us all that despite how much time these players invest in training, discipline, practice, fitness, dropped charges, out-of-court settlements and preparation, they are still just unremarkable humans.

I love it when a player is tackled and wrestles with his tackler for a bit, humps the ground for a while, manages to stand up to play the ball and has to wait for another player to arrive to pick it up.  Even better is when he plays it without checking first, and there's no one there. Even better than that is when he plays it backwards, towards the opposition.

A glorious moment in the 2020 season that probably won't make too many highlight reels, but it's in contention for my own personal Play of the Year.

Round 13

St George Remember the Steelers? Me either vs Sydney Chooks

An interesting match to kick off round 13 (lucky for some), as these two evenly-matched teams (the Roosters fielding a reserve-grade team due to injuries, and St George at full strength) go at it.  The once-high-and-mighty Roosters have not been traveling well lately, scraping through the last few weeks with very unconvincing victories against some pretty ordinary opponents.  The Dragons, on the other hand, have been looking much improved of late, even during last week's collapse.  The Roosters have shockingly dropped their halfback and current NRL point-scoring champion Kyle Flanagan, putting my SuperCoach team into complete fucking disarray, and reason #4,072,926 as to why I hate them.  If the Chooks can latch onto the fact that St George's only attacking weapon is a 70kg fullback, they'll go close to winning this one.  

Manly Seagulls vs NZ Once Were Warriors

The Warriors are rank outsiders for this match, but I wouldn't write them off.  Manly are boasting a team with a high-school level backline, and have been serving up absolute durge the last few weeks.  I wouldn't be surprised to see an upset on this one.  So, if I'm expecting an upset, that probably doesn't make it an upset at all.

South Sydney Russell Crowes vs Brisneyland Donkeys

There's nothing like a leaked sex tape to really spice up a match.  Just as the Broncos were starting to show a hint of form, based largely on the on-field performance of Kotoni Staggs, the young Bronco has had his knob and foot fetish released for the world to enjoy.  I'm hoping that the on-field microphones can pick up some sledges from this match, or at the very least for Andrew Johns to inject a bit of foot humour into the commentary.  1 drink for any reference to "foot in the mouth", "showing some toe", "tiptoe" "Kotoni Staggs of the Brisbane Broncos enjoys sucking women's toes while filming himself having sex" or "clean pair of heels".  Honestly, feet are fucking disgusting, and anyone involved with them is just as gross.  

Oh, and go Souths.  Please keep the "Broncos are shit" memes alive.

Smellbourne Strom vs Canterbury Tales

If there was ever a chance for Melbourne to sit out Cameron Smith to see what the future will look like, you might as well do it against the Bulldogs.  It really won't make much difference, but it will give the commentators someone else to give a verbal handjob to for performing the most basic aspects of rugby league. 

Newcastle Nights vs Balmain Tigers

The Knights have provided a backline with the most interesting names in the competition.  Compare the Tigers back five of Adam, David, Joseph and Tom to Newy's Starford, Gehamat, Enari, Kalyn and Hymel.  Based purely on this statistic (does that even count as a statistic?), Newcastle will canter home.

Riff Panfers vs Canberra Motherfucking Giant Slaying Raiders

The Panthers looked the real fucking deal last week in the first display of awesomeness that I've seen them perform this year, and provided a massive "wake up and look at us, fuckers" to the rest of the comp who are all dribbling about Tedesco and Papenhuyzen.  The Raiders have shown a ton of grit and determination the last few weeks, but unfortunately this is not a game based on either grit nor determination, so they might need to rack up a few points instead.  As a loyal Canberra supporter, I will tip them for the win publicly, and tip against them in an actual competitions for points.

Sunshine Coast Titans vs North Quoinsland Cows

The battle for QLD supremacy is on.  Ultimately, no one is the winner, and especially not us, because we will end up watching it and wondering why, and how.  Reckon the Tits might get up here, based on absolutely nothing but a gut instinct from eating questionable Mexican leftovers that I can not remember putting in the fridge.

Cronulla Sharps vs Whatsamatta Eels

Parramatta looked unbeatable early in the season but have tapered off to a plateau you could use to cut Kevin Naiqama's hair.  This will be a great game for them to regain some form and put a smidge of effort into, as Cronulla haven't looked completely useless lately and have found themselves inside the top eight.  The Sharkies welcome back Matt Moylan for his monthly visit to the field, before he heads back to his usual bed in the Pissweak Ward at the Sutherland Hospital.  

NRL Round 12: Underneath the Bunker

During the coronavirus break in this year's season, it was decided that to limit the risk of COVID transmission, the number of fun police (the referees) would be halved, and the two-ref system would be scrapped in favour of having just the one whistleblower on the field.  Obviously it's the refs who are responsible for spreading the plague, not the 34 other blokes wrestling with each other in the mud.

The NRL also announced that they were pumping a couple of million dollars into improving the "Video Referee Bunker", which is basically just a fancy name for "video ref", who is invariably called on every six minutes to make sure that every player and their mums on every play in every game ever has adhered to the NRL rulebook, the Bible, the Quran, The Game, The Ring, and The HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  Everyone thought that improving the video referee would be a good idea; let's get some fucking NASA technology, a continuum transfunctioner, and a flux capacitor to determine angles and velocity and a fucking slow-motion button. 

In hindsight, $2 million does seem like a lot of money to spend on improving a plasma tv and a remote control, doesn't it?  I bet the rest of the money went to ensuring that the Trbojevic breeding program continued, or the Jack Bird RoboCop rehabilitation centre or something.

And the improvements have not really been evident this year; the video ref still uses the same television replays that we had before, the same cameras and microphones, the same red and green buttons.  The only discernible difference is the name "video ref" has been changed to "the bunker", which may have cost $500,000 on its own.  The rest of the cash was probably spent on a comfy couch and a fooseball table, as well as those really expensive crackers that they have next to the deli at Coles and those dips that are like $5 each and are also pretty good.

$2 million and they still can't tell the difference between Josh Morris or Brett Morris.  Fuck it, they can't even tell the difference between Maika Sivo and Junior Paulo.

Round 12:

St George Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Bunnies have been looking pretty good this year, until they actually get within sniffing distance of the tryline, and then they forget who they are and what they're doing. Don't be surprised to see Cody Walker start patting his pockets to try to work out where he put his car keys whenever they get close to scoring. Silly Cody, they're on the little side table next to the front door.

Wests Tigers vs NZ Warriors

The Kiwis shocked everyone by coming within a bee's dick of upsetting the Roosters last week.  They didn't, but at least they came close.  The Tigers are about to embark on a really testing leg of their season where they play the entire top-eight of the ladder in succession, so they will need some momentum, confidence and at least one hobbit from this game.

Brisbane Broncos vs Cronulla Sharks

Oh you Broncos.  The best part of the NRL is their obsession with giving Brissy every fucking free-to-air game available, so we can watch their official decline into Shitsville (Logan) in real-time.  The Sharks are specialists at playing well against the good sides and falling into a heap against the teams they are expected to beat.  As a result, they will probably win by only 30 points.

Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans

The Titans will be full of confidence with a couple of mid-week high-profile signings.  Unfortunately, they are for next year and it won't really mean anything for the current team.  Sucked in, losers.

North Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO

The Raiders are flying high after some tough-as-fuck games in recent weeks, and despite a rising injury list, have seemingly righted their sinking ship.  This will be a tough game, as they don't have a great track record against the Cowboys, especially in Queensland, but even more alarming is that they've named Curtis Scott in the team again. 

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers

Oh fuck I don't know.  The Panthers have been playing okay recently, nothing to write home about though.  "Dear mum, Hope you are well.  We played footy tonight, it was ok.  Love Nathan"  Meanwhile, the Sea Eagles are providing up and downs like a yo yo on a bungee cord stapled to a see-saw.  I'll tip the Choccy Soldiers, but only because I like the term "Choccy Soldiers" even though it's hardly relevant anymore.  Choccy Soldiers.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Parramatta Eels

The Bulldogs will be praying for rain again, as they showed up a rusty Knights team last weekend.  This one could be played under water and I don't think it would make a difference though.

Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

Should be a foregone conclusion based on recent form, ladder position, players, injuries, weather conditions, haircuts, tattoos, coaches, uniforms, mascots and facial hair.  Cam Munster and Ryan Papenhauzen win most of those by themselves anyway.

Fun fact: Blake Ferguson can smell around corners

NRL 2020, Round 11: Celery Cap

It's always nice to hear an underdog story about overcoming the odds to succeed in life.  This week, we have a double underdog story involving those lovable larrikins the Sydney Roosters and that down-on-his-luck scamp, Sonny Bill.

During the week, the English Super League announced that their very expensive foray into North American rugby league, the Toronto Wolfpack, was pulling out of the competition, citing travel issues, COVID isolation restrictions, and the fact that they really just couldn't be fucked playing this year.  I can attest to that.  I haven't got out of my tracky daks in about three months.

Usually the collapse of a competition on the other side of the planet doesn't really affect the NRL at all, but this one has opened up an opportunity for the former NRL players who had signed onto the Super League to rejoin the Australian competition.  Normally we would welcome Josh McCrone home with open arms and a shotgun, but the player causing most of the ruckus so far is Sonny Bill Williams.

Sonny Bill was an elite player, back in the day.  He is a fair fucking unit of a bloke, just quietly, and I probably wouldn't try to fight him unless I'd had about thirteen pints beforehand.  He played for the Canterbury Bulldogs from 2004 til 2008, before fucking off to France to play a few seasons of kick & clap rugby union - obviously he was a great team player with pride in his jersey as he played for Toulon before heading back to New Zealand to play for Canterbury, then to the Crusaders, the Chiefs and a stint in Japanese rugby with the Panasonic Knights, before receiving a "handshake deal" and about sixty paper bags filled with money to rejoin the NRL and play for the Roosters in 2013.  Then he fucked off again to play for Counties Manukau, back to the Chiefs, had a giggle in Rugby 7s, then signed on (for what it's worth) to the Blues, before he decided to add another twelve pools to his house with the Toronto deal.

Now he wants to come back, and fuck me drunk, the Roosters have announced that they have room in their salary cap to sign him for the second half of this season.

The Roosters.  Room.  Salary cap.  Sonny Bill.

Announced.  In.  Sign.  They.  This.

Despite a roster with 12 out of 17 starting spots occupied by former or current representative players (with at least three others only missing out due to injury), the Roosters somehow have room to continue to sign the best players on the planet, which is lucky for the obviously-struggling club as they attempt a rare three-premiership-wins in a row this year.

We can only hope that the Sonny Bill deal goes ahead, he's about as shit as a 35-year old who's been playing union for the last decade in between beating up older, fatter guys as a heavyweight boxer, can possibly be. 

Round 11

Parramatta Eels vs Wests Tigers

The Tigers went on Twitter to have a chatter about Ryan Matterson,

said "doesn't matter, son, we're not all that bitter, son,
you natter that the betting is much better at Parramatta."
Now he's fitter and he's better, standing next to King Clint Gutherson.

North Queensland Cowboys vs Manly Sea Eagles

Coach Paul Green given his pink slip
and now he's looking kind of blue.
Caught red-handed, in black and white
Fed by silver spoon.
No rose-coloured glasses, or shades of grey
for the yellow-bellied Cows
True colours shine or white flags out for new coach Josh Hannay.

Brisbane Broncos vs Melbourne Storm

From a five year plan to a five game deal
To save the Broncos' game
He's switching 1s and 2s and 5s
But the results are all the same.
Can Siebold pluck a winner
from the mighty Melbourne Storm?
Fuck no.  Not likely.  Snowball's chance.
At least til Boyd is gone.

New Zealand Warriors vs St George Dragons

Warriors are worriers there's no worries there to see
But there's worries that the Warriors can get worse from week to week
We wonder if the Warriors will worry any team
Or if the worst and waning Warriors will wake and Mary weep?

Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

No one gave the Raiders even a snifter of a chance
to win the weekend's rematch of last year's biggest dance
With Bateman gone and Hodgson's knee inverted on itself
The Green Machine gave everything & left nothing on the shelf.

This week's a different story, although the injury list keeps growing
Scott is out, the Horse no good, Oldfield's done a hamstring
So the men in green bring out a team that needs some introduction
Who's Kai O'Donnell, Tom Starling, not to mention Ryan Sutton?

A new backline with Semi Valemei and Smith-Shields in the game
In-form Jack Wighton, Jarrod Croker, and Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad coming of age,
The only reason I started this verse was so I could try the following line:
Valemei and CNK join up for a Semi-Charnze kind of life.

Newcastle Knights vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Well the Dogs look like they've wrapped up the spoon
with still half the year to go
It reminds me of the Knights' season
not even too long ago.

The Dogs seemed set to buck the trend
After pushing the Saints to the limits
But still lost last week in an unloseable way
only playing for 79 minutes.

The Knights will push to cement their spot
and the Bulldogs aren't much of a test
The Knights just need Ponga to fire again,
and to get Bradman back to his Best.

Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers

I'm envisaging a bloodbath
within the sacred C-bus lines
the best I think we can hope for
is to say that "at least Gold Coast tried."

"They played for eighty minutes
and played through the game with pride!
They played their fucken guts out."
Alas, the Gold Coast died.

There's an illegal tackle in here somewhere

NRL 2020 Round 10: David vs Gol(dCoast)iath

Every so often, a player comes along who threatens to be "bigger than the game", and I'm not talking about George Rose or Dave Taylor.  I mean players who are apparently so disgustingly talented that it's almost unfair for them to play against the other regular run-of-the-mill professional athletes involved in the game, and should be on a pay scale of a million billion dollars to keep them here to entertain us instead of going to some other planet to compete in an unnamed competition against other superheroes.  Past NRL players who have worn the "Bigger than the Game" moniker include Greg Inglis and Jarryd Hayne, two outstanding individuals whose athleticism definitely stood the test of time and everyone really enjoyed having them around instead of deflecting meteors with Thor or something.

The latest demi-god to grace us with his presence for 80 minutes a week before heading off to ensure the safety of the universe is Brisbane forward David Fifita, who is currently in negotiations for the next few years of his contract, and is currently in line to become the highest paid player in the game at the age of 20.  If Twitter is to be believed, and I'm not sure why anyone would doubt its 280 character-per-tweet wisdom, Fifi is looking to join the Gold Coast Titans for the 2021 season at the budget price of $1.25 million, before heading back to Brissy in 2022 to continue printing money.

Nice work if you can get it, David, especially considering that you haven't played a fucking game since Round 2.  Round fucking Two.  That's before the COVID break, and before he underwent knee surgery.  It's one thing to be asking for more money than anyone else in the game, another thing to do it less than two seasons into your career, an entirely other thing to do before your 21st birthday, and a whole other kettle of fish to do it from your fucking hospital bed following knee surgery.

We can only hope that the Titans have learned their lesson from the last time they tried to get their suntan-lotion-covered hands on a player "bigger than the game" and will avoid paying a stupid amount for Fifita for just a 12-month contract.  It's not enough time for the team to recruit players around him, for him to grasp the existing plays, learn the players names, find a new cocaine dealer, alert him to which bouncers you can and cannot punch on with (note: none of them, David), or find a house big enough to fit all of his dumptrucks full of money. 

But if the Titans do sign him... well, there's about 15% of the salary cap right there in one player, receiving shit passes from Ash Taylor, getting shit offloads from Kevin Proctor, covering shit missed tackled from Bryce Cartwright & carrying shit Shannon Boyd around the field Weekend at Bernie's style.  And then what?  He fucks off back to Brisbane leaving a trail of money and a still-broken Titans team in his wake, who now have to replace their forward pack again. 

The Gold Coast management should talk to the North Queensland Cowboys about how much of a fucking great investment Valentine Holmes was, as he limped back from (strangely) not being very good at American Football, despite putting in several hours on the Playstation, landing broken-ankle first in a swimming pool of hopes, dreams, money and a million NRL fans remembering "when Val Holmes was good for a year." 

Players like Valentine Holmes, Hayne, maybe even Kalyn Ponga and Fifita is like when you think you really want something and then you buy it but it doesn't really do what you want it to and you feel a bit stupid for buying it in the first place so you just put it in the cupboard in the back room so your friends don't see it and ask you "why did you buy that expensive and flashy but ultimately useless item?" and it makes you feel bad for spending a lot of money on something that you realise you don't even like and possibly never did in the first place but you read somewhere that it was good and its value would definitely increase over time and soon everyone would want one but that never happened and you've only just realised that the article was an ad anyway.

In other news, we bid farewell to Dean Pay, who resigned as coach of the Canterbury Bulldogs this week.  Dean went to the unprecedented lengths to support his team by undergoing several cosmetic surgeries to actually look more like a Bulldog.  Unfortunately, losing to Brisbane was probably the nail in the coffin, and the Archbishop of Canterbury took Dean to the vet and put him out of his suffering once and for all.  You were a good boy, Dean.  You probably deserved better.

Who's a good boy, then?  Not you, Dean.

Round 10

Sydney Roosters vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO

In good news for the Raiders, Curtis Scott has been ruled out of their squad with some kind of arm infection that I can only imagine is coronavirus-related, and therefore he should be set on fire and catapulted into the sun.  In his place comes Semi Valemai, who I can only imagine was picked because of the success of the last bloke called Semi who played NRL.
I love my Green Machine, but I'm not sure if the Raiders are going to be able to match it with the Chooks for this one, and I think an 8-point defecit will blow out to at least 16 points in the last ten minutes.

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

Remember when the Titans beat the Storm back in 2017?  What a mind fuck.  But I think we can all be pretty confident that that won't happen again.  This one might get pretty messy for the Goldies, I reckon.  People may die.  Lots of people. 

Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos

If any team can keep the Broncos Shitwagon rolling, it's the Tiges, whose coach Madge "I just realised I don't actually know his real name, but it's probably Michael" McGuire has wielded the axe over the underperforming team and has beheaded halfback Luke Brooks to try to scare the shit out of the rest of the team to lift their game.  Either that, or he's just deadset keen on ensuring that Wests finish 9th, as is tradition.  The Broncos are all thanking their lucky stars over another round of margaritas and Winnie Blues that Madge isn't anywhere near Brisbane, or they'd all be fucked.

St George Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Well fuck me if the Drags didn't turn up last week.  Let's see if they can make it two in a row against one of the worst teams in the comp (sorry Doggies).  To put the Dogs' season in perspective, their leading try scorer for the year is Kieran Foran, with two. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Newcastle Knights

Oh fuck, I don't know.  Every time I call Souths unconvincing, they unconvincingly win.  Fuck it, I'm just going to go with Newy, despite them seeming to be a whole lot worse than I am giving them credit for.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Parramatta Eels

Last week didn't quite go to plan for Manly, unless their plan was to "roll around in their own shit for a while".  What a debacle that was.  Meanwhile, Parra flexed their defensive muscle, and snuck home for a sneaky win very sneakily indeed. I think they may be a bit more boisterous about it this week.

NZ Warriors vs Cronulla Sharks

I'm tipping Cronulla, but let the record state that I am not happy about it.

Penrith Panthers vs North QLD Cowboys

Yeah nah, sorry Cows.  This one is going to hurt, I'm afraid.  Penrith are doing all the right things at the moment, like winning and stuff, whereas the Cowboys just aren't.  Maybe they should try winning?  I might write to Paul Green and let him know.

NRL 2020 Round 9: How Good is Your Team?

As we creep up on the mid-way point of the NRL season like Jayden Okunbor creeps around on high school girls' Instagram accounts, we can see a pretty clear divide between the Contenders, the Pretenders and the Fucken Useless Bunch of Overpaid Fucks Who Couldn't Fucken Win a Fucken Raffle Even If They'd Bought All the Fucken Tickets, the Stupid Fucks.

Despite not actually sitting on top of the premiership ladder currently, the Sydney Fucking Roosters sit on top of the "yeah, we'll probably win this thing again" list like the smug, cheating fucks that they are.  I don't care how many times they have defended their playing roster, there is no fucking way on Brett Mullins' lime-green earth that a team can be so stacked with talent and remain compatible with salary cap restrictions.  Boyd Cordner's personal CAT-scan team and James Tedesco's new teeth should account for at least 80% of that anyway.  I haven't seen such blatant rorting of the system since the Raiders in the mid-90s.  How good was that team, just quietly?  

The Parramatta Eels were seen as a considerable force to be reckoned with (again) this year, but the difference is that so far they are actually living up to expectations.  Despite having a team with no recognised superduper stars, they are working like a Swiss clock, but instead of keeping meticulous time through an intricate system of cogs, they're fucking destroying cunts all over the place.  The only issue for the Eels' long-term success this year will be if Michael Jennings' dementia kicks in again and he reverts back to the useless fucking centre that we all know he really is; or if Jai Field has to go on Year 10 camp later in the year.  

The Storm are always fucking there or thereabouts, aren't they?  I'm actually getting a bit sick of complaining about them and their ongoing success, both on the field and their stranglehold over the Pacific islands, and it also makes them a formidable opponent in the NRL version of Guess Who?

"Is your mystery player a giant fuck-off Islander?"
"Yes."

  

The Panthers are the surprise packet this year, and have managed to even surprise themselves to the tune of sitting pretty in second place, and receive my Big Brother nomination for eviction for "flying under the radar" and "not being themselves" and also "not being here for the right reasons."  It's not often that a team with so little talent can find themselves doing so well, so congratulations to them.  Despite their current position, I just can't see them following through in the second half of the year, which is both sad and completely expected and therefore really very satisfying indeed.

The Knights and the Raiders were both pegged for having big seasons, but Newcastle have proven themselves to be completely useless when faced with an opposition who are much, much worse than them, and Canberra seemingly entered the year with the expectation that everyone would just let them back into the Grand Final because they're lovable scamps.  Unfortunately, a scamp is only lovable when you're not expecting them to do well, otherwise they turn into grubs and no one likes them anymore.  

Souths, Manly, Cronulla and the Tigers are now just competing to be fodder for the first week of finals, with the Tigers most likely to miss out and finish 9th for a record 200th year straight.  The Sea Chickens and the Guppies have been hit hard by injuries this year... again... and this will probably form the majority of their "why we didn't win again this year" response come September.  Maybe if they stop recruiting players with osteoporosis, they'd do better.  The Rabbitohs began the year with a decree of mediocrity that developed into ordinariness, and are likely to continue their plane of indifference and unremarkable performances until we completely forget they were even here in the first place.  Latrell Who?

The bottom group of the Cowboys, Bulldogs, Titans, Warriors and Dragons are just there to piss off the better teams by having to play them for the next ten weeks or so.  There's nothing like coming off a 40-point win against the Bulldogs in Round 16 with a good points differential and three players with ruptured ACLs and a dislocated shoulder.  The only really interesting bit about the shit-tier teams is that they basically form their own little competition to try to avoid coming dead-fucking-last in a bid to escape collecting the dreaded Wooden Spoon.

Finally, we have the Broncos, who have attracted their fair share of media attention over the past few months due to their shambolic performances, terrible attitudes, lack of commitment, no cohesion, poor communication, shithouse efforts and, in turn, a complete absence of competition points.  In the last twenty minutes of their games, the Broncos have scored a total of four points, and let in 84.  That's actually a real stat and not one that I just made up, so I'm going to end this paragraph there so you know just how serious I am about the Broncos being just so fucking terrible at everything they do, including their jerseys and haircuts, which are also really bad.  Look at Turpin, what the fuck do you ask for at the hairdressers to get that sort of shit?

The classic 'short front and sides' haircut taking prisons and Centrelink queues by storm

Round 9

North Queensland Cowboys vs Sydney Roosters

The only thing that could save the Cows this week is if the Chooks are so knackered from their hit out against the Storm last week that they won't be able to get up for another game.  Unfortunately for the Queensland lads, they've had a whole week to recover, and if you can't play for 80 minutes a week later, you probably should be looking at a new profession that doesn't involve moving.  My job, for example.  It's actually pretty sweet.

Gold Coast Titans vs New Zealand Warriors

Buoyed by their unlikely win last week, is it too much to consider that the Warriors will take home another victory?  Probably.  It's also just as likely that the Titans will win, or both teams will lose, or a small dog will wander onto the field and neither team will be able to catch it, and then the small dog will be declared the winner.  

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Wests Tigers

The Tigers played with a whole lot of heart last week and came up empty-handed (except for Leilua, who still has Dylan Edwards' head in his possession), while the Bunnies played with no heart, no skill, no intensity and the very barest of effort and still managed to win quite convincingly on the scoreboard.  I don't think they'll be able to get away with that two weeks in a row, so I'm gonna chalk this one up for the Kitty Cats.

Cronulla Sharks vs Penrith Panthers

You'll never believe what happened last week, guys - Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan both got injured.  Why am I not surprised?  I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die from not-surprise.  The good news is that Shaun Johnson's face came through the game unscathed (phew).  My tip is that Penrith will be too good, but just not as handsome, but when you have munters like James Tamou running around, you have to expect that.

Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs

For the sake of keeping the Broncos' losing streak going, I will continue to tip them.  Brissy coach Anthony "Big Changes Are Coming" Siebold threatened to make "Big Changes" to the struggling team and then revealed that "No Changes" were actually made from the team that lost to New Zealand last week.  So I guess that's something.  Will this coaching masterstroke pay off?  Only time will tell.

Canberra Raiders WOO vs Melbourne Storm

The mighty Green Machine limped home with a broken face last week and didn't prove a whole lot to anyone doubting their premiership credentials, while the Storm impressed with a hard-fought win in a very entertaining see-sawing match that was won and lost five times in the last ten minutes.  This weekend is the first of four tough-as-fuck rounds for Canberra, after which they will be proudly stapled deep in the top four, dating supermodels with the Roosters, or fucked off to the bottom of the shit heap, swapping Tazos and smoking durries in the Maccas carpark with the Dragons.    

Newcastle Knights vs Parramatta Eels

Phroar, how good were the Eels last week?  Plenty fucken good, that's how.  They put the Cowboys away without resorting to touch-football tactics and flashiness; they just stuck to their lines, ran effective patterns, supported the ball carrier, kept the ball away from Blake Ferguson and lobbed it to Maika Sivo whenever they wanted to watch Kyle Feldt shit himself on the field.  Four times, for the record.  The Knights scraped through against a determined Manly; they'll have to perform a lot better and pay the refs a lot more if they want to notch up a win here though.

St George Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

There's nothing like ending the round with a game of dross nonsense, and so here we are.  I have to give credit where it's due, and Des Hasler has done an amazing job at Manly for the last few seasons - he has dealt with off-field indiscretions, injuries, retirements, the fact that he's still at fucking Manly, that he's still rocking a mullet, and yet is still able to rile his team up for a match even when their season is looking a bit rocky.  Credit also to his St George counterpart, and it's nice to see that Paul McGregor is still alive, allegedly.