NRL 2018 - FINALS WEEK 1

Well, we made it through another year of the NRL without too many indiscretions. Luckily the Bulldogs players were all available for Mad Monday to maintain the "pissed idiots" quota. I'm not sure why clubs keep having these blow-out sessions in public places when they know that their half-wit players will continually fuck up. Or, you know, the players could also try not to get naked, rail lines of coke off each other's cocks and vomit in the street.

It's tough being a professional athlete sometimes.

With the end of the season still leaking out of our nostrils, let's have a look and see how your favourite team faired in 2018:

Sydney Roosters:
Living proof that it is quite, quite possible to buy a minor premiership and still avoid salary cap breaches. I still don't think they have played their best footy yet, despite coming first, which is a bit shit for everyone else. Cronk is still a liability in defence and has offered about as much in attack, other than "pass to Mitchell and see what happens."

Melbourne Storm:
We saw glimpses of the future of the Storm this year, and it's not looking particularly great for all three Melbourne fans. Their strength is in their structure, and any deviation from that leads to gigantic weaknesses that make them look like a big ol bunch of purple spastics.

South Sydney Rabbitohs:
I didn’t rate the Bunnies at the start of the season, then I did, then I didn't again, and now I'm just not sure. They have a gamut of superstars who are yet to fire at the same time. If that happens, the world will probably implode. If the Burgess brothers are the backbone of the team, Damien Cook is all the other bones, and Cody Walker is the skin. Keary is the appendix; you only notice him when he's trying to kill you,  Inglis is the damaged cartilage in your knee that makes it hurt when you climb stairs (you know you should get rid of it, but it might also be worse if you do), Crichton is your amputated finger and everyone else is all the other bits that I couldn't be bothered finding analogies for.

Cronulla Sharks:
Fuck the Sharks, honestly. Still probably the least likeable teams in the entire universe who are known drug cheats, grubs and salary cap frauds. The only reason they are still allowed in the comp is despite all of their dirty chratung ways, they're actually pretty good.

Penrith Panthers:
How? How how how how how did the Panthers finish in sixth position? They are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. They never looked dominant at any stage this year, and played their best footy when they were down by 30 points with six  minutes to go, and win by 12. You can ride that luck for a while, but eventually it's going to kick you right in the testicles.

Brisbane Broncos:
Hitting their straps at the right time, I'm a bit scared of the Broncos at the moment. Not like really scared though, I'd still fight them. Step up, Milford you fat fuck. They've somehow managed to put some off-field coaching-management issues behind them and performed way better than they deserved to.

St George Illawarra Dragons:
Still blaming their end-of-season slide on the Origin series that happened three months ago, the Dragons should bow out pretty soon and continue to fall short of expectations like usual. A few injuries haven't helped their cause, but the main issue is the freefall of Ben Hunt, who has lost ability and confidence so quickly that it wouldn't surprise me if someone removed his mask to reveal that he was Josh Mc Crone all along.

NZ Warriors:
The Warriors are always odds-on favourites to either win the grand final or come dead last, and this year hasn't been much different. They've managed to fly under the radar pretty successfully, and should not be underestimated as a genuine threat.

Wests Tigers:
The Tiges probably made a few new fans this year under the coaching of Ivan Cleary, and while not coming last was their greatest achievement, they weren't entirely convincing either. With a game plan based more on defence than than trying to score points, they weren't always entertaining to watch, but that is usually the case for any team with Robbie Farah in it.

Canberra Fucken Raiders:
Another glorious year for the boys in lime green, who ended the season with the highest amount of points scored. That sounds pretty good until you combine it with the fact that they didn't make the top eight, or really go very close to it. The popular fixes for their defensive lapses involved "sack the lot of em!" or "sack Ricky!", but I think the answer mught lie somewhere around teaching the lads how to tackle.

Newcastle Knights:
Didn’t come last, which is nice for a change. They also gave the rest of the NRL a preview at the next "big thing" in Kalyn Ponga, so we can expect to see him playing for the Roosters pretty soon.

Canterbury Bulldogs:
Finishing the year on a high, the Doggies eventually turned away from their trusted "let's stick with the same fuys doing the same thing & hope for something different" and threw a couple of young up'n'comers into the mix. Hey, here's a shock: they didn't suck. For a team without any superstars in it, they still had to offload a bit of their talent, plus Aaron Woods, at fire-sale prices. Who's looking after their books anyway, Keiran Foran?

North Queensland Cowboys:
After making an appearance in the Grand Final in 2017, all it took was the return of their best player, a true legend of the game and undoubtedly one of the greatest players of a generation, to send them to the bottom of the ladder, avoiding the wooden spoon in round twenty-fucking-four. Fairly disappointing year for the Cows, to be perfectly Francis. They probably held onto a few players a bit too long after their "best before" date. You have to pay attention to those dates, unless it's yoghurt. You can eat that forever.

Gold Coast Titans:
I am surprised to see the Tits so far down the ladder, to be honest. I didn't think they were this shit. Consistency was their greatest enemy this year, along with tackling, handling, kicking and scoring. With another quality half to take some pressure away from Elgey, 2019 could see the Titans at the lofty heights of "only just missing the finals".

Manly Sea Eagles:
At the start of the year, I had a dream that Manly won the grand final. Obviously this is a signthat I shouldn't pay too much attention to my dreams, except for that one with Star Wars-era Natalie Portman. Manly have got a heap of quality players, so maybe this time - and this time only - the coach is to blame. It was actually a bit rude of them to be so bad at footy but still avoid the wooden spoon.

Parramatta Eels:
Holy fuck, what happened here? It's not even that the players are that bad, but as soon as they found themselves behind on the scoreboard, or facing sustained pressure (both of which happened this year a lot), the team lost interest, lay down, had a quick wank & fell asleep. I don't think I need to iterate that that is NOT how the game of rugby league is played. Lying down and sleeping is frowned upon. The less that next year's team resembles this year's one, the better.

Finals Week 1

Melbourne Storm vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

It's a tough one to pick, unless you hate the Storm. Munster, Slater and Vunivalu will be back for Melbourne - Munster is only playing for more money for more cocaine at the moment, Slater is pretending that he is as popular as Johnathan Thurston and that anyone cares about his retirement, and Vuni has played like balls all year. Go Souths in a tight one.

Penrith Panthers vs NZ Warriors

Penruth managed to pull a home final for this match, although you'd have to question whether you would prefer to play a game at your actual home ground, a 20,000 seat sold-out stadium , or to play it in front of 15,000 fans in front of 65,000 empty seats. Either way, the Panthers look done to me, despite limping home last week. Go Warriors bro.

Sydney Roosters vs Cronulla Sharks

Could be game of the round, but knowing these two fucken clubs, it will be shit boring. I have tipped the Chooks, but I might change my mind.

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Dragons

Inspirational Dragons captain James Graham gave everyone a hot tip during the week: "if youwant to write off St George, put money on the Broncos." Thanks James, that is pretty much what everyone in the world has done. See youse next year.

NRL 2018 - Round 25

Lucky last regular round of the season.  For half of the competition teams, it means they get to start their summer holidays early, like when you were in high school and you finished your exams before your friends because you did useful subjects like drama and art, while they had to study for an extra week for that precious "English" grade, as if their going to use that ever.

Big news in the league this week is that Cronulla have cheated the salary cap. This is such a huge shock to me - I wouldn't have thought that a team who had previously used illegal performance-enhancing drugs would be involved in such a scandal, especially if that team had ten representative players.

Round 25

Operation “Get Manly the Wooden Spoon” has not been entirely successful.  In order for the Sea Eagles to claim their inaugural last-placed award, the Broncos will have to smash the absolute fuck out of Manly (just for good measure), and the current last-placed team, the Parramatta Eels, will have to defeat the second-placed Roosters by at least 52 points. 

It’s not looking good.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Wests Tigers

As the old saying goes, "Beware the team with nothing to lose". The Bunnies would normally piss this one in, but their recent form has been shithouse and I wouldn't be surprised if they manage to fuck up the unfuckupabble.

NZ Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Some would say that the Raiders are at that stage of the season where they are completely indestructible, others would say that the Raiders are heading to New Zealand with the full intention to get on the piss, get loose AF, get some tribal face tattoos and fuck a sheep.  Footy will come a distant second to some off-field hijinx.

Melbourne Storm vs Penrith Panthers

Melbourne could wrap up the minor premiership with a win, and it couldn't come against a team looking more lost than the Panthers. Even Billy Slater couldn't be fucked turning up to farewell his fan for his final home regular-round game.

Newcastle Knights vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Alright, let's give the Dragons one last victory for nostalgic purposes, then they can make like a censor and get the fuck out of there. My prediction last week about Ben Hunt regaining form may not have been entire accurate.

Gold Coast Titans vs North Queensland Cowboys

The Johnathan Thurston jerk-off tour continues, and I wouldn't put it past the Titans to ruin his send-off appearance. The Cows might have saved their best for last week, and no one is ever sure what the Titans' best actually is.

Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters

It's clear that teams have figured out the way to beat the Roosters.  No expansive play, get your completions near 90%, take every penalty kick you are given and attack the wings and hope for a Tupou or Ferguson error to give you a try. Cowboys, Raiders and the Broncos all did it, but I'm not convinced that anyone at Parra was paying attention.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Cronulla Sharks

Will a tumultuous week put the Sharks off their gold-laced steroids enough for the Doggies to upset them? Probably not. Still, wouldn't mind seeing everybody's new hero Reimus Smith run past Val Holmes for a try or two.

Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles

How sad is it that the Broncos are currently the form team in the NRL? Trust me, it's sad. How the fuck did that happen? A team with Boyd, Milford, Thaiday and Kahu shouldn't even be legal. I blame the rest of the NRL for allowing this to happen.

NRL 2018 - Round 24

While the rest of the league fucks about with coaching and CEO blow-ups, salary cap breaches, retirees, injuries, drug cheats, assault claims, new tattoos, contract negotiations and very occasionally a game or two of footy, I have decided to concentrate on the sorts of things that really matter in this sport of kings:  who has the coolest names in the NRL.  

The last few weeks have introduced some new players such as Shibasaki for the Broncos, and last week Emre Guler received his first-grade jersey for the Raiders (from his mum, who is a good sort and also owns a kebab shop).

I've scoured the playing lists for the year and have come up with a shortlist of the names that I think are the best.  

Renouf Toomaga (Bulldogs) - everyone knows that if you run off Renouf often enough, you'll score tries.

Clay Priest (Bulldogs) – sounds like he should be a genre of character in a fantasy video game, like a Forest Elf or an Ice Dragon. It would probably be one of those games where you walk around endlessly trying to solve a quest and the townspeople just keep repeating the same three phrases at you, and the shop owner wants 20 gold pieces for a leather tunic, but you only have 18. 

Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad (Warriors) – a game of “what should we name the baby” that was resolved by dipping blindly into the bag of Scrabble tiles.

Slade Griffin (Knights) – this is the name of the popular guy in every high school movie set in the 80s. He may wear a leather jacket and he definitely drives a TransAm. “Did you hear that Kimberley made out with Slade Griffin?” “Oh my god, Slade Griffin. He is so boss.”  Even the teachers love Slade Griffin, except for the meddling headmaster.

Marcelo Montoya (Bulldogs) – Marcelo Montoya's father was a great Spanish blacksmith, who was killed by a six-fingered nobleman over the price of a sword. Marcelo seeks to avenge his father's murder, but is limiting his search to the sidelines of Bankstown Oval.  So far, he has not made much progress.

Keegan Hipgrave (Titans) – a lesser known character in the Harry Potter series, Keegan made it into the reserve-grade Quidditch team and also excelled in Potions class, finishing 2nd in his year level. In a deleted scene, he asks Hermione to be his partner in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but she says no.

Payne Haas (Broncos) - following his defeat of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, the Italian Stallion faces a new challenger in Payne Haas, in what is essentially a remake of the same movie.  With dialogue like "Now you're in my Haas!" and "if Payne persists, see your doctor", the Oscar buzz is already palpable with this one.

Emre Guler (Raiders) – a low-level Batman villain who trained with the League of Shadows, Emre managed to track Batman back to Wayne Manor, but was soon foiled by Alfred, who wiped his memory with a potion that was never used or mentioned again. 

Gehamat Shibasaki (Broncos) - a traditional Asian stereotype, Gehemat is a Japanese samurai who honours his family with every breath, does not understand rap or country music, is a humble rice farmer, practices Chinese tea ceremonies with Geishas, is very good at those Dance Dance Revolution arcade games, drinks bubble tea, has outstanding mathematics ability, plays the violin and clarinet, will barter with you on the price of everything, and cannot handle his alcohol.     

Ofahiki Ogden (Warriors) - part Maori bouncer, part Viking god, part IKEA furniture. Is as simple as he is complex, and is as deep as a hole.  

Round 24

Wests Tigers vs Manly Sea Eagles

Last week, the Sea Eagles managed to score 34 points, with five tries being split between the Trjbovic brothers. They still lost.  I can't imagine the Tigers leaking that many points, but I also can't imagine them scoring too many either.  This is the last roll of the dice for the Wests boys to stay alive in the season, so they'll be clinging onto this one with a GI Joe kung-fu grip. 

NZ Warriors vs Penrith Panthers

Well this is a game that means absolutely dick-all. They should battle this one out through a BeyBlade tournament, and then just kick Penrith out regardless of the outcome.

North QLD Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels

It's promising to be an emotional game, this one.  Not only is this a HUGE step towards either claiming or escaping the wooden spoon, the Cows will be celebrating robo-prop Matt Scott's 250th game, Jake Granville playing his 100th, Jason Taumololo returns from a pissweak suspension ready to fuck some shit up and the golden boy Johnathan Thurston playing in his final game in front of his home crowd.  The stage is set for the Cowboys to really let everybody down in spectacular fashion.

Canberra Fucken Raiders vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Rabbitohs have named Johnston and Inglis to make their returns from injury, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Burgesses will remember how to catch this week too.  For the Raiders, Joe Tapine has been ruled out with a foot injury, which means that the role of "giving away stupid penalties" lies solely with BJ Leilua.

Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm

This game gets my patented "Wouldn't Surprise Me If This Was An Upset" stamp.  It also gets my "This Could Be Another Fucking Flogging By The Storm" stamp and a "Cam Smith Is A Little Bitch" sticker.  I have a lot of stationery.  If the Storm just run at Ash Taylor all game, they should come away with a win here.  

Sydney Roosters vs Brisbane Broncos

Hmmmm probably game of the round, to be perfectly Francine with you.  The last time they played it was a deadset clanger of a match, with Mitchell and Roberts swapping barbs and flinging shit.  A lot has changed since then - Anthony Milford has stepped up his game, Cordner is bending the line, Corey Oates has had a haircut.  The last few weeks have seen teams play conservatively against the Roosters to come away with the biscuits, but I don't think that will happen in this game, and we'll see a close, high-scoring match. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Newcastle Knights

This should be an easy with for the Sharkies, but I can't think of anything even remotely interesting to say about it. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs

The Saints managed to stop their freefall into Shitsville last week, but the top eight is so congested at the moment that a loss this weekend could fuck them right up and end their season somewhat prematurely and explosively.  I think Ben Hunt is going to have a blinder and stick this game right up his detractor's arseholes, but then they'll just say "eh, it was only the Bulldogs" and he'll get all sad again.   

NRL 2018 - Round 23

Following last week's shock hooking of Penrith coach Anthony Griffin, other clubs have gotten in on the act as well, hoping that it will inspire their team the way that the Panthers came back against the Titans to notch up an important win.  I reckon the Raiders should start firing all kinds of people during the game.  Get rid of a couple of the head coach, trainers and physios by half time, then show the door to cheerleaders, mascots, Blake Austin and at least one assistant coach during the second half.

The Manly Sea Eagles got in quick with a press release which basically said, "We have no news. Stay tuned!" and then they followed that tantalising announcement with a press conference in which they stated the same thing, but to a room full of journalists.  I can't wait for the next instalment of "Because Fuck Manly, That's Why."  We all know that coach Trent Barrett is going to get the chop, and no one cares, so why prolong the inevitable?  

It might as well say that "Trent has the full support of  the Manly board"

The Broncos then decided that they wanted a bit of the "our coach is fucked too, hey" trend in the NRL and are at loggerheads with old man Wayne Bennett.  I'm not sure if it's a good idea to piss off the Grim Reaper, but I'll let Brisbane handle that for themselves.  At this stage, it's difficult to determine whether Brissy are trying to piss Bennett off, or if Bennett is trying to piss off the Broncs, but in the end I don't think it really matters; the important thing is that Brisbane are shit.

In fact, Brisbane are in that much trouble that they are actually looking forward to getting Jack Bird back from injury.  This is the same Jack Bird who has a McDonalds credit card attached to his contract, who doesn't actually have a position in the team and single-handedly lost two games in his eight appearances for the Horsies this year.  

Assuming Jack is on $800,000 per year as was reported, here's a brief rundown of his value to the Broncos in 2018:

- 636 minutes played, equating to $1,257 per minute.  

- 415 running metres, or $1,927 per metre.  Note that Jason Taumalolo knocked up 221 metres in just one game last week.  

- 140 tackles for $5,714 per tackle.

- 13 tackle breaks @ $61,538.

You're worth every penny, Jack, you fat fuck.

Round 23

Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Souths were back to their shitty best last week and contributed to fucking up my tips (along with every other fucking team), with Sam Burgess forgetting the first part of his game plan:  (don't) drop the ball.  The Broncos have had a pretty bad week so let's hope that it keeps going downhill for them and they slide out of the finals.  It's also nice to see that both teams have opted not to play with a fullback for this game, with Darius Boyd slotting into the #1 jersey for the Broncs and Dane Gagai taking over for Souths.  

Manly Sea Eagles vs Gold Coast Titans

This game could produce 90 points, 0 points, both teams could win by a lot, both teams could scrape in a victory, it could produce some amazing play or it could be used as an educational tool about what might happen to you if you don't finish high school.  

Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels

Oh hey Parra, nice of you to turn up last week and destroy a top 4 team by forty points.  I mean, it's not like that sort of form would have been handy for the last 20 rounds or anything.  Melbourne will probably come out swinging in this one, because they were thoroughly embarrassed by a team with Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan in it last week.  

Penrith Panthers vs Newcastle Knights

Gotta go for someone, right?   

Wests Tigers vs St George Dragons

I actually don't think the Dragons will win again this year.  They were absofuckinglutely untouchable at the start of the season, but have fallen in a heap unlike anything we've seen since they did the same thing at the same time last year.       

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

It wouldn't surprise me if the Cows get up again this week.  I'm not tipping them, but it just wouldn't surprise me.  They are playing very no-nonsense footy right now and are concentrating on just completing sets and moving the ball forward.  For those playing along at home, Paul Gallen needs just three more losses to be crowned "Biggest Loser" for an NRL career.  I can't think of a more deserving player.   

Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors

I am about as confident in picking this game as Con the Confidant, who despite his name, was not confident at all, and was renowned for his lack of football tipping prowess.  Also, he had a drinking problem and a pretty bad home life.  So... you know.  Things weren't great for Con.      

Canberra Raiders vs Sydney Roosters

Sometimes it's nice just to appreciate the fact that Canberra even has a team.  So that's what I'm going to do as I watch try after try after try go against us this weekend.  The Roosters could rack up a golf score here.  You mean a cricket score?  You've never seen me play golf, have you? 

NRL 2018 - Round 22

WOW WHAT A WEEK IN RUGBY LEAGUE.  AN AMAZING 7 DAYS.

Penrith are in the market for a new coach after sacking old mate Anthony “Hook” Griffin during the week.  It’s a controversial move, you know, firing the head coach of a football team FOUR WEEKS OUT FROM FINALS.  But I’m sure the Panthers know what they’re doing.  I mean, it’s not like they would have made such a big decision like getting rid of a coach if they didn’t have another coach in mind, not saying it’s Ivan Cleary even though it totally is, to take over the role without actually having discussed it with him first. 

The main reason that the Panthers want Ivan Cleary to coach is because their halfback, Nathan Cleary, is his son.  Legend has it that Nathan sprung from Ivan’s chin during the mid-90s in full playing gear and slotted a sideline conversion to win the game for the North Sydney Bears against the Illawarra Steelers.  Personally, I think having a father coaching his son probably shouldn’t happen once high school is over.  I remember there was a kid at my high school who was picked for the first XI cricket team even though he was rubbish, and everyone knew that he was only in the team because his dad was the coach, AND there were rumours that his mum was fucking everyone involved in high school cricket as well.  Actually, whenever anything good happened to anyone, we just assumed it was because their mum was sleeping with a teacher or the head of a department, so there’s probably no truth to any of this at all.  Sorry Tim.  I’m sure you were a good player.

To take a bit of heat away from the Panthers, and because they’re massive drama queens, the Melbourne Storm called a media conference on Wednesday for a totally secret announcement that was always going to be about Billy Slater retiring, because he can’t stand it when the focus is on someone else. 

Here’s a list of other things the Melbourne Storm could have announced that would have been slightly more interesting than the retirement of an athlete who’s about 300 years old.  It’s hard to be a professional athlete when you keep asking the trainer for a cup of tea in back play:

• They moved to Perth three years ago and no one noticed
• They are still cheating the salary cap 
• They signed Nathan Cleary as coach and Ivan Cleary as halfback
• Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was the ghost at the fairground all along
• Billy Slater removes his mask to reveal that he was Sandor Earl all along
• Cam Smith and Billy Slater’s sex tape was leaked.  It wasn't very good.
• The Storm announce signing of new fullback for 2019, Silly Blater for $20,000 (plus third-party payments)
• Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was Alex McKinnon all along
• Will Chambers decides against kicking ahead and instead opts to pass the ball
• Billy Slater’s Wally Lewis Medal for Player of the Series in Origin takes off its mask to reveal that it was Kalyn Ponga all along
• Cooper Cronk reveals that he was never mates with Cam Smith or Billy Slater because Cam Smith and Billy Slater have no mates
• State of Origin representative Tim Glasby removes his mask to reveal that he was a $700,000 yacht all along
• Clive Churchill receives Brownlow Medal, thanks Billy Slater. Removes his mask to reveal that he is Dally Messenger
• Dally Messenger wins Dally M medal, wonders what all the fuss is about and gives it to Billy Slater, who removes his mask to reveal that he is still Billy Slater 

In the end though, Billy decided that his time was up, and closes one of the greatest careers of one of the best fullback to play the game.  It’s not very often that a single player can bring about so many rule changes that involve attacking the face and head of an opposition player through the use of your football boots or your knees. 

A lot of people will remember Billy for when he kicked ahead in Origin to score in 2004.   I’ll always remember him for when he kicked a head in every game he played.

Round 22 

Nth QLD Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos

The Broncos bring to the table their latest recruit in Gehamat Shibasaki, who should be made an Immortal simply based on his name.  It’s not often a player of Japanese-origin gets a game in the NRL, probably because they’re racist and have shown great dishonour in not serecting more Asians.  The Broncs have been in a lovely downward spiral lately, although they do have a 3-game cycle where they (1) play really well, then (2) play well enough to win, and then (3) play like their hands have fallen off.  We are currently back at phase (1), so they should get the biscuits in this one.

NZ Warriors vs Newcastle Knights

The Warriors are juuuust hanging onto the Top Eight, and it will take some mathematical nonsense for them to miss out on the finals from here.  I am wondering if they’re just going to take things pretty easy from here to avoid injuries, or if they’ll actually give this “trying to win” business a shot.  I’m tipping the Warriors, but I really have no fucking clue anymore.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

The Bunnies are officially the real deal.  Like, officially.  It’s official.  The Roosters have also been doing pretty well, but an injury to halfback Luke Keary hasn’t done them any favours at the business end of the year.  With the Burgii boys back to bashing blokes with the best of the best for the Bunnies, I give this an alliterative thumbs up to Souths.

 Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers

I think that after last week’s “performance”, we can all safely assume that the Titans have clocked off for the year… which is EXACTLY what they want you to think as they spring a surprise attack on the Panthers.  As we all know, any team that sacks its coach during the week has the unnatural ability to annihilate any opposition that weekend.  I’m not sure why the Panthers have decided to use their superpower now, against the Titans, in a match that means absolutely dick-all, but it’s an interesting strategy; let’s see how it works out for them.

 Manly Sea Eagles vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Both teams scrapping to stay off the bottom of the ladder.  This one could get ugly.  I’d recommend recording it and then watching it back at triple-speed with the Benny Hill theme music going in the background.

Parramatta Eels vs St George Dragons

If there’s a team that can drag the Dragons (see what I did there) out of the slump that they’re in, it’s the cellar-dwelling spastics from Parra.  How are the Saints still coming fourth?  That’s just ridiculous; it feels like they haven’t won a game since April.

Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

GO YOU FUCKEN RAIDERS.  It’s the traditional 40+ point flogging round; I have no idea why or how, but Canberra really puts on a show against the Tiges.  I’m sure the Raiders will somehow manage to fuck it up, but I’m staying positive.  Canberra by 28.

Melbourne Storm vs Cronulla Sharks

After hearing about Billy Slater’s retirement, the Cronulla Sharks immediately offered him a contract until 2020, bringing their total number of fullbacks to eighty.  I think the Storm will lift again this week, as long as Smith can sacrifice enough virgins to stay on the field for the full 80 minutes.  It’s not a religious offering, Cam Smith just fucking hates virgins.  He won’t even use olive oil.

Get your limited edition commemorative Billy Slater memorabilia before they sell out:
 "Leaving his mark on the Game"

NRL 2018 - Round 21

There's not much going on in the league world at the moment.  I guess that kind of thing will happen when you ban Todd Carney.  It doesn't help that Josh Dugan has been injured for the best part of 20 years and hasn't been able to get into as much trouble as usual.  Some say that he's still gingerly nursing a hangover on the couch to this day.  

Congratulations to Big Mal Meninga for being named as an "Immortal" during the week.  Introduction into the Immortals group was going to be between Mal and Darren Lockyer but then Mal just said "I'll fucken smash youse" and the decision was made.

I'm not arguing

So Mal joins an elite group of players including Norm Provan, Dally Messenger, Clive Churchill, Johnny Raper and Arthur Beetson, and rumour has it that the Roosters have offered two-year contracts to four of those players.    

Round 21

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos

It really would be the most Broncos thing to do if they lost this game.  Despite winning last week against a lazy, possibly super-stoned Tigers opposition, the Dogs are done, man.  Like, stick a fork in them kind of done.  Sooo done.  Like Ross and Rachel kind of done.  Are people still comparing things to Ross and Rachel?  You know who I never liked?  Rachel.  Also, Monica.

Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers

Carn you fucken Knights, hey?  I have no idea why, but I’m riding Newy home in this one.  It’s not personal though – I don’t think I could name three players from either side.  Ponga, Guerra, Shaun Kenny-Dowall.  Benji, Farah, Elijah Taylor.  Turns out I was wrong.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Melbourne Storm

PHROAR WHAT A GAME THIS SHOULD BE if Souths bother turning up for a fucken change.  They won’t be able to fuck about like they did last week before they start taking the game seriously.  I’m going for Melbourne; they looked pretty shit hot last week.

St George Dragons vs NZ Warriors

As is tradition, the Dragons were looking all fucking razzle dazzle and completely unbeatable early in the year and are now on a perfect downward trajectory into Shitsville, which just happens to be the current residence of the Warriors, who have decided to move into their spiritual home.  Both teams look like they would rather be anywhere doing anything rather than knocking about a footy field.  I reckon the Saints will wake up just enough to scrape through with a 20-point drubbing.

Parramatta Eels vs Gold Coast Titans

NOBODY CARES.  Somehow, the Titans are still a chance to make the finals.  I mean, they won’t, but there’s a chance.  But it won’t happen.  But they’ll win this game. 

Sydney Roosters vs North Queensland Cowboys

Nobody’s giving the Cowbs much of a chance in this game, which makes sense because they are absolute garbage at the moment and deserve to feel bad about themselves.  The Roosters have finally decided to flex their flexing muscles and are actually looking dominant against quality opposition.  I guess it just goes to show that if you have enough money and are willing to cheat, good things will happen to you.

Cronulla Sharks vs Manly Sea Eagles

No offence to either of these teams, but I hope there’s a fire in the stadium while they're playing and everyone gets burned to death and dies but then everyone makes a miraculous recovery and they all come back to life and they go on to live long and fulfilling lives but they never play football again. 

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

Let’s have a wander down memory lane:

In Round 9 in 2016, the Panthers snuck in a field goal in the 78th minute to beat the Raiders 19-18.

In Round 14 in 2017, the Panthers scored twice in the last two minutes to defeat the Raiders 24-20. 

In Round 24 in 2017, a late try gave the Panthers a 26-22 win over the Raiders.

In Round 14 this year, the Panthers drummed up 7 points in the last five minutes to sneak past the raiders 23-22.

Fucking Raiders.

NRL 2018 - Round 20

It’s Thursday afternoon, which means it’s time to rub my crystal ball and predict some NRL results… “Concentrate and ask again.”  Sorry, wrong ball.

This week, there has been a lot of kerfuffling about the refereeing from last round, in particular the hatchet job that was the Raiders vs Cronulla game, where there were at least three game-changing moments that all seemed to fall into the Sharks’ flippers.  It was a bit shit, to be honest, as it has more-or-less put the death-knell on Canberra’s season officially, but obviously there are other things for the team to worry about; like working on some defensive lapses, how to catch a ball, why BJ Leilua doesn’t play like that every week, how to stop getting dicked by the ref so much because who cares how well you defend when they are just going to gift tries like that anyway, and also improving second-phase play in attack. 

As we draw ever-closer to the finals, we can see that the top eight is basically sorted by now, but the real interest is on the bottom four teams who are all fighting and struggling to stay relevant.  The shitfight that is the bottom of the ladder involves Parramatta, Cowboys, Bulldogs and Manly - they are all looking to avoid the wooden spoon, and all of them have a very realistic and well-deserved chance to win it.  It’s probably not the bottom four that I would have predicted at the start of the year, but it’s also nice that Canberra isn’t involved. 

Round 20

Brisbane Borncos vs Cronulla Cheating Sharks

I hate to say it, but the Broncos are actually looking halfway decent at the moment.  In last week’s routing of Penrith, Milford almost looked like he was giving half a shit and not just thinking of the new Spicy McNuggets at McDonalds (which are actually pretty good).  We’ll see how the fat little fuck goes this week, but my tip reluctantly goes to the Horsies.

North QLD Cowboys vs Newcastle Knights

The Cows will only be trying to win so they don’t come last, which always ups the intensity by about forty (forty what?).  Newcastle, in an unprecedented situation, don’t even have that incentive this year.  They will be welcoming Kalyn Ponga back from injury to wreak havoc on his old team in a “yeah nah no hard feelings but hey” kind of way.  Despite their lack of purpose, I will give the Knights my blessing for this game.  I’m sure they appreciate it. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers

FRIDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL WOOOOO oh wait, it’s a game between the Dogs and the Tiges.  The only good thing about this game will be that when you acknowledge 10pm on a Friday night, it means you have the longest time you’ll ever have before the next Bulldogs game.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers

Both had a cricket score put on them last week, so who knows what’s going to happen this week?  Hopefully a cricket match.  Manly were amateur last week and were actually lucky to “only” concede 56 points. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Parramatta Eels

Souths came back to earth with a big ol’ crash last week and will hopefully take some of Sam Burgess’ advice and “get up you weak cunt cat.”  While I do love seeing the underdog win, usually the underdog is somewhat likeable.  Go Souffs.

Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders

It will be interesting to see if the Raiders can pull themselves back up from last week’s disappointment and the fact that they now have nothing to play for and will probably be struggling to find any real meaning in everyday life and be unable to find enjoyment in regular activities.  But you know, that’s fine.  Hopefully they just don’t drop their bundles completely and either spend the next few weeks fucking about on the field or trying to inflict some kind of career-ending injury on their opposition.  There’s gotta be a fine line there somewhere.

Gold Coast Titans vs NZ Warriors

Yeah nah, dunno.  Reckon the Tits might be a good option for this one, but I’m going to tip the Warriors because for some reason it just seems more sensible. 

Sydney Roosters vs St George Dragons

The Dragons haven’t been traveling all that well lately, and were pretty unconvincing in their win last week.  They were obviously less convincing in their loss the week before, and even less so the week prior to that.  But before that, some time around 1912, they were very strong.  And fuck the Roosters.

It's hard to tell from this angle if the flag is up and the play should have stopped.

NRL 2018 - Round 19

Sorry I missed last week, I was stuck in a cave in Thailand.  Not the cave that you probably heard about on the news though, mine was a new and different one that you and Elon Musk don’t even know about. Don't bother trying to look it up, it's too obscure.    

This week, the Bronco Gronkos finalised the contract for teenage refrigerator Payne Haas for the next FIVE YEARS  at a cost of $3.4 million.  I’m not saying that Wayne Bennett has completely lost his mind and is actually trying to destroy the club before he fucks off to Coffs Harbour to retire, but that’s quite the sum of money to throw at someone who has so far played an entire 36 minutes of first-grade football off the bench before succumbing to a shoulder injury. 

Ah fuck it, any team that pays Jack Bird and Anthony Milford a mill per season and re-signs Darius Boyd from his deathbed for another three years deserves everything they get.  Now get out of the top eight, you posers - the Raiders are coming through.

Round 18

Parramatta Eels vs Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs

Well this one will be a thriller.  A cold Thursday night with the two bottom-placed teams playing at ANZ Stadium with a capacity of 87,000 people is going to feel pretty fucking empty.  If both teams bother turning up, they will double the attendance.  I’d also just like to remind everyone that the Dogs are paying James Graham to play for the Dragons so they could get Aaron Woods who they are now paying to play for the Sharks.

Cronulla Sharks vs Canberra Fuck Yes Raiders

It’s time for the Green Machine to spark into 2016 mode and start their run to the finals, starting with this bitch pack of pretenders.  Just because the Raiders have lost two of the form players of the competition won’t affect this result; it will just make it even more satisfying.

Brisbane Gronkos vs Penrith Panthers

This game will see Darius Boyd come head-to-head with James Maloney, and the age-old question of what happens when an easily stoppable force meets and easily moveable object will be answered. 

Newcastle Knights vs Gold Coast Titans

An interesting match-up between teams coming eleventh and twelfth that will prove to have interesting ramifications for the rest of the season.  Of course, I’m joking.  NOBODY CARES!  NO. BODY. CAAAAARES.

Wests Tigers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Tigers are actually happy to have Robbie Farah back.  Imagine anyone being happy to have Robbie Farah anywhere. I can almost imagine the conversation at training:

“Hey Robbie, tell us about the plays that the Rabbitohs use.”

“No.”

“But you were there for years, man.  Give us some insight, and we can use it to exploit their weaknesses.”

“No.”

“But Robbie…”

“THEY NEVER TOLD ME THEIR PLAYS!!!”

*Robbie Farah runs out of the dressing room in tears (as usual)*.  
End Scene. Collect my Oscar for best screenplay and make out with Emma Stone. Do cocaine with Matt Damon.  Laugh about Robbie Farah with Clint Eastwood.  

 North QLD Cowboys vs St George Dragons

Will the Dragons’ downhill slide continue?  Will the Cowboys turn their game around and recapture the form that lead them to a grand final appearance last year and let’s be honest not much has really changed since then I mean everyone is seriously playing like shit and I really think that JT should have retired last year but he can’t retire this year because who would want to finish their career with this kind of fucking season?  Not me, and probably not JT either.

NZ Warriors vs Melbourne Storm

This will be a sixteen-all draw, bet your horse on it. 

Manly Sea Eagles vs Sydney Roosters

Manly have one of the best packs in the NRL, an Origin-and-Australian-representative halfback, an Origin-and-Australian-representative fullback and his Origin-and-Australian-representative brother, and they still fucking suck. 

Rugby League is often referred to as "the beautiful game." This is an example of why.

NRL 2018 - Round 17

Whoop de fucking do, it’s fucking Thursday again, so welcome to another round of NRL magic.  Another round where the Raiders can lift my hopes, let me believe, inspire me, raise me up and then throw me down and wee all over me and these are new jeans why are you doing that now I’m all cold and wet and my phone is dead so I can’t even call anyone. 

Last week was another loss for the Raiders in a game that they were convincingly winning until they fell into a large football-field sized hole around the 70^th minute of an 80 minute contest.  That’s the sixth time this year.  SIX FUCKING TIMES, MAN.  To be honest, it left me numb.  I considered quitting NRL.  I could be an AFL man, for sure.  At least there are no rules that I need to learn.  I could get drunk and yell abuse at a whole bunch of new players.  There’s 18 players on each team; that’s even more abuse that I can yell.  Or maybe I could watch basketball or the netty – I hear the Firebirds are going well this year. 

No, fuck it.  I will stick with the Raiders; we’ve been through some shit times before and will come out the other side again.

I don’t know what the answer is for the Green Machine, to be honest.  Every other armchair athlete has a plethora of changes to improve the team’s performance, ranging from “sack Ricky Stuart” to “sack Blake Austin” and “sack Aiden Sezer.”  I don’t know if these are really the best moves.  Sacking the coach or the halfline just means that now you need to find new people to come to Canberra and perform better than the last fucking guys.  And anyway, the best way to attract new and better players to the team is through success.  The opportunity to run off Hodgson, and feed Rapana and Cotric should already be enticing to other play-makers. To defend with Leilua and Whitehead should make second-rowers dribble with anticipation. A front-row partnership with Boyd (now gone), Vaughan (also gone) and Paulo (another one gone), should have kept all of those players here; throw in Papalli and Sia, and you won't be able to find a bigger bunch of bodies to play behind.  But no one is banging on the door to green themselves up, because we aren’t winning.

Me, I actually love the fact that the playing roster hasn’t changed immensely from the last few years, and I believe that (most of the time) the team that stays together will win together as they grow as a unit and learn each other’s' strengths and weaknesses and adjust their own play to allow for that.  This is a great theory that I probably got from the Mighty Ducks movies, because it sure as fuck isn’t happening for the Raiders. 

Canberra needs players who want to be here, not just guns for hire.  The “buy the best players and we’ll totes win” tactic is currently being employed at the Roosters and the Sharks, and it’s just not working.  Sure, they’re getting a few wins up, but not really enough to warrant the cost.  When you buy a Lamborghini, you shouldn’t have to wait a few years before you can drag off a Mazda at the lights.  A rugby league team needs to be hungry for success, not just wanting to be there because they get paid and are never held accountable for shit performances, drink-driving offences, assaults and gambling debts. The Raiders tried that when Dave Furner was the coach, and too many dickheads hung around for way too long. 

Ok, for the sake of argument, let’s change up the team.  We’ll kick off with the current whipping boy, Blake Austin.  For starters, Austin does great things off the field, and occasionally even some good things on it. But for $600,000+ a year, he needs to do more. I don't want to single him out, but he is playing in a pretty influential position in the team. He gets to control the play and all parts of it; the direction, the intention, the speed, the match-ups, the risks. If he is going to be a running five-eighth, he needs to have support running off his hip. If he is going to pass, he needs people hitting gaps. But it seems that at the moment, no one on the park knows what he is going to do (other than dummy and run with no intention to pass).  He needs to put his body in the way – there were three tries last week that went straight past him.  At the very least, he needs to become a speed bump in the style of James Maloney; the NRL has probably never had a weaker tackler, but he at least gets in the way of his opposition.  A pebble in your shoe won’t stop you from walking, but it will definitely slow you down and piss you the fuck off. 

The other option we have is to take up the NRL’s favourite pastime – Sack The Coach!  Ricky isn’t the one fucking about on the field, but that’s ok, we should probably get rid of him anyway.  I loved Ricky Stuart as a player. No one could throw those long passes like he could in the early-to-mid 90s, and no one has had as strong a kicking game since.  But is he a good coach?  Is he the right coach?  Who the fuck knows?  He needs to find something - anything - to keep the players calm when they let in a try. As soon as the opposition gets a sniff on the scoreboard, the Raiders fall apart. There's panic all across the field and balls get dropped, passes don't find the mark and tackles get missed. What changes in the players during this time that hadn't happened in the last 70 minutes? There's no control at all, and we need control.  Is that the coach’s job?  Does he need to tell everyone on the field to “calm the fuck down” during the last ten minutes of a game?  Can’t they handle this themselves?  Have you ever been panicking about something and someone says, “Hey man, just calm down”?  Do you know how not calming that is?  These guys are professional fucking athletes – if they don’t know how to relax during a game by now, then maybe they’re in the wrong line of work. 

I am not expecting to go through a golden patch of rugby league dominance in Canberra.  I don’t anticipate seeing premiership trophies piled up next to Questacon, but just a bit of fucking positive consistency wouldn’t be a bad thing.  

Round 17

Melbourne Storm vs St George Dragons

Of course you’d have two of the top teams in the competition play each other when both have their best players out because of State of Origin.  Well done, fuckwits. 

Penrith Panthers vs NZ Warriors

The majority of the Panthers players are either injured or in Origin camp, so this should be a walk in the park for the Kiwibros that I’m sure they will make pretty difficult for themselves anyway.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Canberra Fucking Raiders

I think I’ve said enough about the Raiders for one day.  It’s going to be hard to support the team from here though; they really needed to win last week to remain relevant in the competition for the year.  It will be a good test to see how they come out this week.  They’d better fucking win too, or I’ll shiv someone.

Gold Coast Titans vs Brisbane Broncos

Goldies for the upset.  Aw yeah.  Fuck you, Broncos.

QLD vs NSW

The Origin series has been decided, and just to add insult to defeat, half of the QLD side has pulled out of the farcical third game through injury.  It’s nice that Billy Slater will get to captain the maroons to an historic loss in his final game.  My favourite thing about Queenslanders is them acting as if they have some sort of mythical quality they call "Queensland Spirit" based on loyalty, trust and a hard work ethic and not, you know, a freak generation of all-time great players mixed in with a healthy dose of the bounce of the ball every now and then. I’m not denying that they have been vastly superior for over a decade but to attribute their success to anything other than the players’ skills is just fucking stupid and too many fucking idiots from Queensland think they have some supernatural athleticism and prowess just because of the fact that they were born in Roma. 

Who'd have thought that the players with the best banter would be fucking Lodge and Fifita?

NRL 2018 - Round 15

So we sit here in our lull between Origin matches, making do with regular games and awaiting the next alleged assault by a league star – preferably in a nightclub – and instead we have to put up with retirements.  This week, Peter Wallace handed in his boots for good, while Darius Boyd announced to nobody in particular that he was giving up representative football. 

Darius’ retirement was about as significant as if I rang Dominos Pizza on a Friday night to announce “Nothing for me tonight thanks.  I’m cooking schnitzels!” 

At least now old man Boyd can concentrate on spending the rest of his contact (four more years) at the Broncos trying to regrow his hamstrings and avoiding physical contact.  Hmmm.  Maybe Darius is smarter than I give him credit for.

Round 15

Parramatta Eels vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Well fuck me, Parramatta notched up a win last week. Well done to them. I'm sure the memories of beating the 2018 Cowboys will keep them warm at night.

North Queensland Cowboys vs NZ Warriors

Our Kiwi brethren found some form last week in giving Manly a wee thumping. They will change things up this week by fucken desmolishing the Cows.

Sydney City Roosters vs Penrith Panthers

I still don't rate the Roosters and I'm not even sorry about it.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Gold Coast Titans

Other than the obvious "Who fucking cares?" this game will raise very few questions and provide even fewer answers.

St George Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

Hopefully the Dragons can reclaim some of their early season form, because there are not many things better than seeing Manly take a good beating.

Cronulla Sharkies vs Brisbane Gronks

I hope the stadium gets hit by asteroids and they call the game off, to be honest. There aren't too many more unlikeable teams than these two packs of arseholes. Uuuh go Sharks.

Newcastle Knights vs Melbourne Storm

I'll take the obvious route here and say "go stroms" but I'm about as confident as Michael J Fox eating soup.

Wests Tigers vs Stupid Fucking Raiders

The Tigers are sitting in 9^th spot, with a for and against of +1. The Raiders are sitting in 10^th spot with a for and against of 0. This game will likely be a one-point thriller, with a final score of 1-0. 

Rugby League - the thinking man's sport

NRL 2018 - Round 14

The day after Origin is like the day after Christmas except there’s no presents, decorations, food, family, religious celebration, goodwill or holidays.  Some might call it “Thursday.” 

I don’t think Wednesday night's Origin game will go down in rugby league folklore as “one of the great matches”, and I don’t think anyone’s career is over because of their terrible performance playing left centre for Queensland.  It could probably be best described as “a game of State of Origin.”  It had a few controversial moments – Dane Gagai either dropped the ball or Angus Crichton stripped it, and James Maloney threw a pass seventy metres forward for NSW to score and wasn’t called by the ref, but neither incident was a deciding factor in the final result of NSW winning by 10 points.  If your team falls off 50 tackles, you should count yourself lucky to only lose by that many.  But it was entertaining enough, and definitely a quick game with some good changes of momentum; QLD dominated the opening 20 minutes, but they could not maintain the intensity and pressure, and in the end their defence was shoddy and their attack became predictable.  Just because Old Man Smith, Gooper Gronk, The Immortal Johnathan Thurston and Cheating Fucking Billy Fucking Slater weren’t playing, it shouldn’t mean that the quick back-line plays around the ruck had to retire with them. 

I don’t think wholesale changes need to be made to either team for the next game, injuries notwithstanding.  I don’t think Hunt was anywhere near 100% fit, Slater was obviously missing, Gagai reportedly had a broken hand, Jimmy the Jet left the field early with a dodgy foot, Crichton lost a tooth, Maloney picked up a new scab and Turbo Tom is still trying to get Inglis’ shoulder out of his ribcage, but I think the majority of players will retain their places.  I mean, it’s Origin.  You are expected to play through niggles and broken bones.  For example, I burnt my mouth on a party pie while I was watching.  Did I put away my plate?  No, I grabbed another beer and had a sausage roll, because that’s what Origin is all about.

Round 14

Picking the regular round of footy will be hard over the coming weeks, as you will never know which players will drop out at the last minute due to injury, exhaustion or court appearances.  But we will do our best.

Canberra Raiders vs Penrith Panthers

CARN YOU RAIDERS.  Even though the Pennies are sitting high and mighty at the top of the ladder, I think the Green Machine can take advantage of a side backing up from Wednesday’s game and Thursday’s hangover.     

Gold Coast Titans vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Titans have finally done what the NRL world has been begging for all year – released Bryce Cartwright for this week.  That guy seems to be in all sorts at the moment; it wasn’t that long ago that he was destined to be the next Freddy Fittler; now he looks more like being the next… I dunno, Paul Gallen?

Manly Sea Eagles vs New Zealand Warriors

Sorry Manly, I can’t see anything good happening for you this week.  Wait, why am I sorry about that?  Fuck you, Manly.

Newcastle Knights vs Sydney Roosters

Surely the Rooters are going to kick into gear at some point this year, right?  I mean, they’ve only had 13 rounds to let Cronk get familiar with passing to a bloke who’s not wearing purple. 

Parramatta Eels vs North Queensland Cowboys

Oh Parra, what the fuck has happened?  I’d say “get rid of your coach” but I think “get rid of your team” might be better.  Just hit that reset button and start over. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Wests Tigers

Tigers have great value if you’re having a punt ($2.55 for the win), but I think the Sharkies will take the cheese this week after a pretty ordinary performance in their last game.  It's just a gut feeling in the back of my head.

Melbourne Storm vs Brisbane Broncos

Traditionally, Melbourne flogs the bejesus out of Brisbane whenever they play around the Origin period.  Let’s hope that continues, because watching anyone put 40+ onto the Broncs is a national pastime and we should have a public holiday given to us because of it.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs St George Dragons

Time for the Saints to get back on track and win some games.  There are reasons why the Bulldogs are coming 15^th, and this game should show exactly what those reasons are, which is “everything.”

Despite what it looks like, NSW are actually pretty happy with Tom

NRL 2018 - Round 13

If anyone in the NRL wants to fuck up royally and get shit faced on a massive bender, beat someone up, get caught with a few kilos of meth, run someone over in their car, headbutt a cop, lose millions at the casino, cheat on their missus with someone else’s missus who is a transsexual prostitute, whatever, now is the time to do it because no one gives a shit because it’s ORIGIN WEEK.

The teams have been named, the squads are in camp, all that’s left is for the game to actually happen so we can stop anticipating NSW letting us down and just accept the fact that they did.

The teams:

New South Wales

1.      James Tedesco – the most selfish player in the NRL.  Has so few try assists that he might as well be a halfback for Brisbane.

2.      Tom Trbojevic – solid enough, and a good choice despite the fact that he plays for Manly.

3.      Latrell Mitchell – the perennially-young 18-year old Latrell Mitchell was touted as “not being ready for Origin” despite having played quite well in the NRL for a few years. 

4.      James Roberts – comes into the side under an injury cloud and a history of substance abuse.  Should fit in well.

5.      Josh Addo-Carr – Brad Fittler has copied my video game strategy perfectly; stack the side with speed and just run around everyone.

6.      James Maloney – you just have to hate him.  Somewhere in amongst the hatred is respect, but it’s so far down that it’s just another kind of hatred.

7.      Nathan Cleary – the future of NSW, just like we said about the last eighty halfbacks that we tried.

8.      David Klemmer – at least he’s not Aaron Woods.

9.      Damien Cook – how Robbie Farah kept this guy out of first grade for so long is just weird.  Turns out he’s really, really good.

10.  Reagan Campbell-Gillard – always looks like he’s doing a lot better than he actually is, but I’m not going to tell him that to his face.

11.   Boyd Cordner (c) – fuck it, he would be the first guy I didn’t pick.

12.   Tyson Frizell – I haven’t really noticed him much this year to be honest, which probably isn’t a great thing.

13.   Jack de Belin – limped off the field in his last game and looked like he might have to be put down.  Is probably a liability, to be honest.

14.   Paul Vaughan – I wish this guy would come back to Canberra.  Hopefully he fucken wrecks some cunts.

15.   Jake Trbojevic – straight from the stables of “ball playing back rowers” that Manly seem to have an endless supply of, hopefully will get some decent game time.  Will probably take over Jack de Belin’s spot after his leg falls off in the 3^rd minute.

16.   Angus Crichton – Crichto is a future captain.  Has had a pretty quiet start to the year, but also cut his fucking finger off, which equals itself out in my books.

17.   Tyrone Peachey – can fill in anywhere in the backline, which is handy because at least three of those guys aren’t going to make it through 80 minutes.

18.   Tariq Sims – you either "love to hate or hate to love” this guy.  Will end up in jail at some point during his career.

Queensland

1.      Billy Slater – classic case of a bloke overstaying his welcome.  Has announced his retirement to ensure that he gets a Channel 9 obituary for Game 3. 

2.      Valentine Holmes – is only in the team because he can occasionally kick a ball off a tee.

3.      Greg Inglis (c) – has found surprising form this year, and is the default captain because everyone else is just too shit.

4.      Will Chambers – the most forgotten guy in the NRL, I reckon he could duck off the field most games and grab a hot dog and no one would even notice.

5.      Dane Gagai – has been picked because he was “man of the series” last year.  LAST YEAR.  Is taking up valuable real estate out there.  I look forward to him being shit.

6.      Cameron Munster – writes cheques his ego can’t cash, but who the fuck writes cheques anymore?

7.      Ben Hunt – started the season as well as anyone could have hoped for, but a recent drop in form has a few Queenslanders looking sideways (probably at their attractive sister).

8.      Dylan Napa – hahahaha what a pleb.  Has played his one good game for the year already.

9.      Andrew McCullough – cheats just as much as Cameron Smith, but gets away with it a lot less.  Will not be able to organise this rabble like the old bloke would have, and will be the scapegoat for a series loss.

10.  Jarrod Wallace – you know your stocks are short when you start picking Titans players.  I probably wouldn’t fight him unless I was a bit drunk.

11.   Gavin Cooper – has exactly one play in him that involves taking only short passes if he is close to the line and is passed exclusively by Johnathan Thurston. 

12.   Felise Kaufusi – I actually really rate this guy and would definitely allow him to buy me a beer.

13.  Josh McGuire – is the definition of “pretty good” personified, and will be replaced seamlessly at the drop of a hat. 

14.  Michael Morgan – probably lucky to be picked on current form, but has enough experience to ignore the new guys and just play with Inglis and Munster.

15.   Coen Hess – as soon as someone realises that they just need to tackle him around the legs, Hess’ career will be over.

16.  Josh Papalii – was dropped by his club for being a fat, lazy shit, so his selection in the Queensland squad was inevitable. 

17.  Jai Arrow – a strange selection, especially off the bench.  He has made a career out of plodding at one speed and being brain-dead enough to take hits for days, so will have shit impact as a sub.  

And in case anyone cares, here's the rest of the round... 

Round 13

Manly Sea Eagles vs North QLD Cowboys

Well, at least the Cowboys have been forced to name a different side to the one that has lost their last billion games.  With the loss of their dead-weight “stars” and a few key players missing from Manly, I’m tipping an upset this week.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Cronulla Sharks

Imagine rating the Sharks so low that you’d bring back Robbie Farah to play against them.  Unfortunately for the bunnies, the Sharks have been shit enough this year that they haven’t been that affected by Origin, so unfortunately my tip is going to them. 

Parramatta Eels vs Newcastle Knights

Welcome to the weekly episode of “Are You Good Enough to be a First Grader?”  Newy was found out last week when their game plan of “pass to Ponga” was countered by Cronulla’s plan of “tackle Ponga.”  I think the Knights will get over a strugglesome Eels side again, but it will be a close one that is decided by an inexplicable Michael Jennings dropped ball.  

Sydney Roosters vs Wests Tigers

Eh, I don’t really care.  Let’s just go Roosters.

NSW vs QLD

I’ve been saying it for years now (but this year I mean it), and I think the QLD domination period has come to an end.  To say that they’ll miss Smith is like saying that Bryce Cartwright misses tackles.  It’s not just the way that Smith played - by passing to his intended targets and kicking and running and shit, but the way that he managed the team and controlled the game.  I don’t think QLD have the ability or the players to cover that, and it’s not because of the team that has been selected, it’s just because there’s no one else who can do that job, and the current team needs that structured play. 

NSW on the other hand, have never really had it.  They’re used to running around like a pack of fucken idiots, bumping into each other and trying to fart into each other’s faces.  If they can just play out 80 minutes of solid footy on Wednesday, they will go on to win the series.  I think Fittler has picked the right half combination, I think the backline is solid enough and the forwards probably have the upper-hand in the first time since about 1995.  The biggest issue will be getting all players through the full 80 minutes as there are a couple of princesses in the team who would love nothing more than to strap an ice-pack to a knee and watch the game from the sidelines.  Actually, I’d love to do that; my knees are fucking shot. 

Yeah, probably should have retired last year, actually.