NRL 2018 - Round 19

Sorry I missed last week, I was stuck in a cave in Thailand.  Not the cave that you probably heard about on the news though, mine was a new and different one that you and Elon Musk don’t even know about. Don't bother trying to look it up, it's too obscure.    

This week, the Bronco Gronkos finalised the contract for teenage refrigerator Payne Haas for the next FIVE YEARS  at a cost of $3.4 million.  I’m not saying that Wayne Bennett has completely lost his mind and is actually trying to destroy the club before he fucks off to Coffs Harbour to retire, but that’s quite the sum of money to throw at someone who has so far played an entire 36 minutes of first-grade football off the bench before succumbing to a shoulder injury. 

Ah fuck it, any team that pays Jack Bird and Anthony Milford a mill per season and re-signs Darius Boyd from his deathbed for another three years deserves everything they get.  Now get out of the top eight, you posers - the Raiders are coming through.

Round 18

Parramatta Eels vs Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs

Well this one will be a thriller.  A cold Thursday night with the two bottom-placed teams playing at ANZ Stadium with a capacity of 87,000 people is going to feel pretty fucking empty.  If both teams bother turning up, they will double the attendance.  I’d also just like to remind everyone that the Dogs are paying James Graham to play for the Dragons so they could get Aaron Woods who they are now paying to play for the Sharks.

Cronulla Sharks vs Canberra Fuck Yes Raiders

It’s time for the Green Machine to spark into 2016 mode and start their run to the finals, starting with this bitch pack of pretenders.  Just because the Raiders have lost two of the form players of the competition won’t affect this result; it will just make it even more satisfying.

Brisbane Gronkos vs Penrith Panthers

This game will see Darius Boyd come head-to-head with James Maloney, and the age-old question of what happens when an easily stoppable force meets and easily moveable object will be answered. 

Newcastle Knights vs Gold Coast Titans

An interesting match-up between teams coming eleventh and twelfth that will prove to have interesting ramifications for the rest of the season.  Of course, I’m joking.  NOBODY CARES!  NO. BODY. CAAAAARES.

Wests Tigers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Tigers are actually happy to have Robbie Farah back.  Imagine anyone being happy to have Robbie Farah anywhere. I can almost imagine the conversation at training:

“Hey Robbie, tell us about the plays that the Rabbitohs use.”

“No.”

“But you were there for years, man.  Give us some insight, and we can use it to exploit their weaknesses.”

“No.”

“But Robbie…”

“THEY NEVER TOLD ME THEIR PLAYS!!!”

*Robbie Farah runs out of the dressing room in tears (as usual)*.  
End Scene. Collect my Oscar for best screenplay and make out with Emma Stone. Do cocaine with Matt Damon.  Laugh about Robbie Farah with Clint Eastwood.  

 North QLD Cowboys vs St George Dragons

Will the Dragons’ downhill slide continue?  Will the Cowboys turn their game around and recapture the form that lead them to a grand final appearance last year and let’s be honest not much has really changed since then I mean everyone is seriously playing like shit and I really think that JT should have retired last year but he can’t retire this year because who would want to finish their career with this kind of fucking season?  Not me, and probably not JT either.

NZ Warriors vs Melbourne Storm

This will be a sixteen-all draw, bet your horse on it. 

Manly Sea Eagles vs Sydney Roosters

Manly have one of the best packs in the NRL, an Origin-and-Australian-representative halfback, an Origin-and-Australian-representative fullback and his Origin-and-Australian-representative brother, and they still fucking suck. 

Rugby League is often referred to as "the beautiful game." This is an example of why.