NRL 2018 - Round 24

While the rest of the league fucks about with coaching and CEO blow-ups, salary cap breaches, retirees, injuries, drug cheats, assault claims, new tattoos, contract negotiations and very occasionally a game or two of footy, I have decided to concentrate on the sorts of things that really matter in this sport of kings:  who has the coolest names in the NRL.  

The last few weeks have introduced some new players such as Shibasaki for the Broncos, and last week Emre Guler received his first-grade jersey for the Raiders (from his mum, who is a good sort and also owns a kebab shop).

I've scoured the playing lists for the year and have come up with a shortlist of the names that I think are the best.  

Renouf Toomaga (Bulldogs) - everyone knows that if you run off Renouf often enough, you'll score tries.

Clay Priest (Bulldogs) – sounds like he should be a genre of character in a fantasy video game, like a Forest Elf or an Ice Dragon. It would probably be one of those games where you walk around endlessly trying to solve a quest and the townspeople just keep repeating the same three phrases at you, and the shop owner wants 20 gold pieces for a leather tunic, but you only have 18. 

Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad (Warriors) – a game of “what should we name the baby” that was resolved by dipping blindly into the bag of Scrabble tiles.

Slade Griffin (Knights) – this is the name of the popular guy in every high school movie set in the 80s. He may wear a leather jacket and he definitely drives a TransAm. “Did you hear that Kimberley made out with Slade Griffin?” “Oh my god, Slade Griffin. He is so boss.”  Even the teachers love Slade Griffin, except for the meddling headmaster.

Marcelo Montoya (Bulldogs) – Marcelo Montoya's father was a great Spanish blacksmith, who was killed by a six-fingered nobleman over the price of a sword. Marcelo seeks to avenge his father's murder, but is limiting his search to the sidelines of Bankstown Oval.  So far, he has not made much progress.

Keegan Hipgrave (Titans) – a lesser known character in the Harry Potter series, Keegan made it into the reserve-grade Quidditch team and also excelled in Potions class, finishing 2nd in his year level. In a deleted scene, he asks Hermione to be his partner in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but she says no.

Payne Haas (Broncos) - following his defeat of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, the Italian Stallion faces a new challenger in Payne Haas, in what is essentially a remake of the same movie.  With dialogue like "Now you're in my Haas!" and "if Payne persists, see your doctor", the Oscar buzz is already palpable with this one.

Emre Guler (Raiders) – a low-level Batman villain who trained with the League of Shadows, Emre managed to track Batman back to Wayne Manor, but was soon foiled by Alfred, who wiped his memory with a potion that was never used or mentioned again. 

Gehamat Shibasaki (Broncos) - a traditional Asian stereotype, Gehemat is a Japanese samurai who honours his family with every breath, does not understand rap or country music, is a humble rice farmer, practices Chinese tea ceremonies with Geishas, is very good at those Dance Dance Revolution arcade games, drinks bubble tea, has outstanding mathematics ability, plays the violin and clarinet, will barter with you on the price of everything, and cannot handle his alcohol.     

Ofahiki Ogden (Warriors) - part Maori bouncer, part Viking god, part IKEA furniture. Is as simple as he is complex, and is as deep as a hole.  

Round 24

Wests Tigers vs Manly Sea Eagles

Last week, the Sea Eagles managed to score 34 points, with five tries being split between the Trjbovic brothers. They still lost.  I can't imagine the Tigers leaking that many points, but I also can't imagine them scoring too many either.  This is the last roll of the dice for the Wests boys to stay alive in the season, so they'll be clinging onto this one with a GI Joe kung-fu grip. 

NZ Warriors vs Penrith Panthers

Well this is a game that means absolutely dick-all. They should battle this one out through a BeyBlade tournament, and then just kick Penrith out regardless of the outcome.

North QLD Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels

It's promising to be an emotional game, this one.  Not only is this a HUGE step towards either claiming or escaping the wooden spoon, the Cows will be celebrating robo-prop Matt Scott's 250th game, Jake Granville playing his 100th, Jason Taumololo returns from a pissweak suspension ready to fuck some shit up and the golden boy Johnathan Thurston playing in his final game in front of his home crowd.  The stage is set for the Cowboys to really let everybody down in spectacular fashion.

Canberra Fucken Raiders vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Rabbitohs have named Johnston and Inglis to make their returns from injury, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Burgesses will remember how to catch this week too.  For the Raiders, Joe Tapine has been ruled out with a foot injury, which means that the role of "giving away stupid penalties" lies solely with BJ Leilua.

Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm

This game gets my patented "Wouldn't Surprise Me If This Was An Upset" stamp.  It also gets my "This Could Be Another Fucking Flogging By The Storm" stamp and a "Cam Smith Is A Little Bitch" sticker.  I have a lot of stationery.  If the Storm just run at Ash Taylor all game, they should come away with a win here.  

Sydney Roosters vs Brisbane Broncos

Hmmmm probably game of the round, to be perfectly Francine with you.  The last time they played it was a deadset clanger of a match, with Mitchell and Roberts swapping barbs and flinging shit.  A lot has changed since then - Anthony Milford has stepped up his game, Cordner is bending the line, Corey Oates has had a haircut.  The last few weeks have seen teams play conservatively against the Roosters to come away with the biscuits, but I don't think that will happen in this game, and we'll see a close, high-scoring match. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Newcastle Knights

This should be an easy with for the Sharkies, but I can't think of anything even remotely interesting to say about it. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs

The Saints managed to stop their freefall into Shitsville last week, but the top eight is so congested at the moment that a loss this weekend could fuck them right up and end their season somewhat prematurely and explosively.  I think Ben Hunt is going to have a blinder and stick this game right up his detractor's arseholes, but then they'll just say "eh, it was only the Bulldogs" and he'll get all sad again.