NRL 2018 - Round 22

WOW WHAT A WEEK IN RUGBY LEAGUE.  AN AMAZING 7 DAYS.

Penrith are in the market for a new coach after sacking old mate Anthony “Hook” Griffin during the week.  It’s a controversial move, you know, firing the head coach of a football team FOUR WEEKS OUT FROM FINALS.  But I’m sure the Panthers know what they’re doing.  I mean, it’s not like they would have made such a big decision like getting rid of a coach if they didn’t have another coach in mind, not saying it’s Ivan Cleary even though it totally is, to take over the role without actually having discussed it with him first. 

The main reason that the Panthers want Ivan Cleary to coach is because their halfback, Nathan Cleary, is his son.  Legend has it that Nathan sprung from Ivan’s chin during the mid-90s in full playing gear and slotted a sideline conversion to win the game for the North Sydney Bears against the Illawarra Steelers.  Personally, I think having a father coaching his son probably shouldn’t happen once high school is over.  I remember there was a kid at my high school who was picked for the first XI cricket team even though he was rubbish, and everyone knew that he was only in the team because his dad was the coach, AND there were rumours that his mum was fucking everyone involved in high school cricket as well.  Actually, whenever anything good happened to anyone, we just assumed it was because their mum was sleeping with a teacher or the head of a department, so there’s probably no truth to any of this at all.  Sorry Tim.  I’m sure you were a good player.

To take a bit of heat away from the Panthers, and because they’re massive drama queens, the Melbourne Storm called a media conference on Wednesday for a totally secret announcement that was always going to be about Billy Slater retiring, because he can’t stand it when the focus is on someone else. 

Here’s a list of other things the Melbourne Storm could have announced that would have been slightly more interesting than the retirement of an athlete who’s about 300 years old.  It’s hard to be a professional athlete when you keep asking the trainer for a cup of tea in back play:

• They moved to Perth three years ago and no one noticed
• They are still cheating the salary cap 
• They signed Nathan Cleary as coach and Ivan Cleary as halfback
• Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was the ghost at the fairground all along
• Billy Slater removes his mask to reveal that he was Sandor Earl all along
• Cam Smith and Billy Slater’s sex tape was leaked.  It wasn't very good.
• The Storm announce signing of new fullback for 2019, Silly Blater for $20,000 (plus third-party payments)
• Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was Alex McKinnon all along
• Will Chambers decides against kicking ahead and instead opts to pass the ball
• Billy Slater’s Wally Lewis Medal for Player of the Series in Origin takes off its mask to reveal that it was Kalyn Ponga all along
• Cooper Cronk reveals that he was never mates with Cam Smith or Billy Slater because Cam Smith and Billy Slater have no mates
• State of Origin representative Tim Glasby removes his mask to reveal that he was a $700,000 yacht all along
• Clive Churchill receives Brownlow Medal, thanks Billy Slater. Removes his mask to reveal that he is Dally Messenger
• Dally Messenger wins Dally M medal, wonders what all the fuss is about and gives it to Billy Slater, who removes his mask to reveal that he is still Billy Slater 

In the end though, Billy decided that his time was up, and closes one of the greatest careers of one of the best fullback to play the game.  It’s not very often that a single player can bring about so many rule changes that involve attacking the face and head of an opposition player through the use of your football boots or your knees. 

A lot of people will remember Billy for when he kicked ahead in Origin to score in 2004.   I’ll always remember him for when he kicked a head in every game he played.

Round 22 

Nth QLD Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos

The Broncos bring to the table their latest recruit in Gehamat Shibasaki, who should be made an Immortal simply based on his name.  It’s not often a player of Japanese-origin gets a game in the NRL, probably because they’re racist and have shown great dishonour in not serecting more Asians.  The Broncs have been in a lovely downward spiral lately, although they do have a 3-game cycle where they (1) play really well, then (2) play well enough to win, and then (3) play like their hands have fallen off.  We are currently back at phase (1), so they should get the biscuits in this one.

NZ Warriors vs Newcastle Knights

The Warriors are juuuust hanging onto the Top Eight, and it will take some mathematical nonsense for them to miss out on the finals from here.  I am wondering if they’re just going to take things pretty easy from here to avoid injuries, or if they’ll actually give this “trying to win” business a shot.  I’m tipping the Warriors, but I really have no fucking clue anymore.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

The Bunnies are officially the real deal.  Like, officially.  It’s official.  The Roosters have also been doing pretty well, but an injury to halfback Luke Keary hasn’t done them any favours at the business end of the year.  With the Burgii boys back to bashing blokes with the best of the best for the Bunnies, I give this an alliterative thumbs up to Souths.

 Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers

I think that after last week’s “performance”, we can all safely assume that the Titans have clocked off for the year… which is EXACTLY what they want you to think as they spring a surprise attack on the Panthers.  As we all know, any team that sacks its coach during the week has the unnatural ability to annihilate any opposition that weekend.  I’m not sure why the Panthers have decided to use their superpower now, against the Titans, in a match that means absolutely dick-all, but it’s an interesting strategy; let’s see how it works out for them.

 Manly Sea Eagles vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Both teams scrapping to stay off the bottom of the ladder.  This one could get ugly.  I’d recommend recording it and then watching it back at triple-speed with the Benny Hill theme music going in the background.

Parramatta Eels vs St George Dragons

If there’s a team that can drag the Dragons (see what I did there) out of the slump that they’re in, it’s the cellar-dwelling spastics from Parra.  How are the Saints still coming fourth?  That’s just ridiculous; it feels like they haven’t won a game since April.

Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

GO YOU FUCKEN RAIDERS.  It’s the traditional 40+ point flogging round; I have no idea why or how, but Canberra really puts on a show against the Tiges.  I’m sure the Raiders will somehow manage to fuck it up, but I’m staying positive.  Canberra by 28.

Melbourne Storm vs Cronulla Sharks

After hearing about Billy Slater’s retirement, the Cronulla Sharks immediately offered him a contract until 2020, bringing their total number of fullbacks to eighty.  I think the Storm will lift again this week, as long as Smith can sacrifice enough virgins to stay on the field for the full 80 minutes.  It’s not a religious offering, Cam Smith just fucking hates virgins.  He won’t even use olive oil.

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 "Leaving his mark on the Game"