Click click click

This guy lives inside your computer.


It's a technical world we live in, with interwebs and digital phones and electricity and the wheel and all that. From a survey that I just conducted in my work building, 100% of people will encounter a computer during their day-to-day lives, whether at work, at home or when they're playing Nintendo whilst driving. In fact, if you're reading this, the chances are quite high that you're on a computer now, unless you've just jacked into the Matrix or something, and Tank has put the "Mister Evil Breakfast" program on instead of teaching you how to fly a helicopter or teach you how to do karate. That would suck, although my blog does give you advanced crowbar and pirating skills, so they might come in useful against Hugo Weaving at some stage.

Anyway, with all of these computer screens and infobytes of gigamation floating around the cybertron, it's almost inevitable that at one stage you will encounter some technical problems. Lucky for you, I am here to help.

MISTER EVIL BREAKFAST'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER PROBLEMS AND FUCKUPS AND SHIT (MEBGTCPAFUAS)

Problem 1: My computer is running slowly.

If your computer program is loading slowly, and the hourglass icon thing is taking for-fucking-ever to do whatever it does, you should idly swirl your mouse around. Make a big circle, and increase the speed in concentric circles. This should help to keep the computer 'thinking' about loading it, as the average computer has the attention span of the entire Big Brother cast, and occasionally needs to be given some guidance. If your computer is being a real shit about it, and the swirl doesn't help anything, physically lift your mouse off the desk or mousepad and repeatedly bash it down, followed by rapid clicking of the left and right mouse buttons.

If that sounds too technical, try this scenario: Pretend that you're in a bad movie, like Transformers, for instance. What a complete fucking waste of time that was. Nice to look at for about six seconds until you realise that you're not entirely sure who or what you're looking at. But it did look pretty. Anyway... your best friend is dying. Pretend that your computer program is your best friend. Pretend that your best friend has just been shot. At first, you're trying to comfort them (mouse swirl) and you're trying to keep their mind off the burning hot piece of metal that has lodged in their chest. As their health quickly deteriorates, you begin to panic, pleading with them "not to give up, and keep fighting" (mouse bash). With a gurgle and a dramatic piece of music, they die. You mourn the loss with anger - life is pretty unfair, really. You shout and swear at the body of your dead friend, curse the situation, and punch a wall before accepting the loss (mouse click). Before you know it, you'll have got revenge on whoever did it, found love and by the time you've finished paying respects at the gravesite, your program will have loaded.

I know it sounds complicated, but this should get you back on your feet, and your best friend won't even be mentioned in the sequel.

Problem 2: My computer isn't responding

This is a common problem, and often follows Problem 1 if the right steps aren't taken. Here's what to do:

Press the Enter key.

Nothing will happen. Be patient. Press Enter again, twice in succession. Pause for a moment. Press Enter a few more times (up to ten is helpful). Sit and stare dejectedly at your computer screen. Possibly close your eyes in a dramatic fashion and exhale loudly. Perhaps you could even scrunch your eyes up tight and rub your forehead - these are all helpful to getting your computer back up and running. If you have done all of these things, get up from your seat, take a few (no more than four) steps away from the screen. Make it look like you're determined to go somewhere. All of a sudden, turn and take two long, quick strides back to your computer (don't sit down, just crouch over it) and hit Enter again. Hard; really smash that fucker. Hit it (hard) again a few more times, and verbalise how you feel about your computer, but make sure your teeth are clenched. If the document you're working on is very important, you should also try to have a few flecks of spittle escape your angry lips onto the screen. It should have a rainbow effect, and will calm both you and your computer.

If it doesn't work, repeat these actions until it does. Note: It could take a while; one Microsoft Word user claimed that he repeated these steps for 3 days straight, then had to take shifts with his friends and family. After six weeks, two days, eight hours and nine minutes, his document was recovered. Turns out he hadn't really done that much work on it anyway, and everyone was pretty annoyed with him.

Problem 3: My screen is displaying a strange message

Occasionally, your computer will just get sick of you asking it to do things, and will turn the tables and ask you a question. If you aren't sure of the answer, you can just turn off your monitor and pretend that nothing has happened. However, this is only a stop-gap solution and you might want to use your computer again later on. In most questions that your computer will ask, there will be a YES, NO and CANCEL option. If you have no idea what the question means, there are simple ways to get around performing tasks that could be dangerous to the health of your computer. Click things very slowly, or press keys lightly, and most importantly - hold your breath. Don't make any sudden movements, or your computer will be startled and erase things that you need. Don't ask anyone else around you what the question means or what the consequences of hitting YES or NO would be - your computer will feel threatened by the new person and will shut itself down and all of your data will be eaten in self-preservation. Computers are ancient, instinctive creatures. Treat them like you'd treat a nest of scorpions in your underpants.

Problem 4: My computer isn't reheating my coffee

Try the microwave. If you don't own a microwave, you should just make yourself a new coffee.

Problem 5: My Sim keeps killing himself when I get him to change the lightbulb

Make him/her read a book on mechanics. Any Sim with a level 1 or 2 skill should be able to perform this task safely. If you're really paranoid, call a handyman to fix it.

Problem 6: My computer displays the following message:
NTLDR is Missing.
What can I do?

Fuck it, buy a new computer. When acronyms go missing in your hard drive, you will NOT be able to bring them back. This is why no-one uses DOS anymore. It just caused problems when the D wouldn't turn up, and when the O and the S had a falling out and wouldn't be seen with the other. It was messy.

Happy cyberspacing, my little pwnies!

Egg Man #1

Click on it and it will become magically bigger.

Behold the wonders of the interwebs technology.

To infinity and beyond

If you were an astronaut, you know what would suck? If your astronaut buddies kept kinking your oxygen line and you couldn't breathe while you were in space. Talk about annoying!

My ANZAC Spirit

I am a crap Australian - I have never been to the dawn service on ANZAC Day. I haven't seen anyone march, except for the highlights on the evening news. I have barely spoken to anyone who served about what they did during wartime. I am one of those shit blokes who uses ANZAC Day for another piss-up and a day off from work. It's another excuse to drink too much, bet too much and wake up late on Saturday a little bit dusty with a pocket full of coins, a stolen schooner glass and a sign-in slip from the Belconnen Labour Club.

I missed another dawn service due to watching the stupid IPL cricket on Thursday night - I just wanted to see Warney bowl again, even if it was just in a shit game of Twenty20. That's how good a bloke I am. I fell asleep on the couch after his first couple of balls (he did get a wicket though) and woke up during the infomercials. I once again resisted the urge to buy an eliptical exercise machine. I just don't see how it's better than everything else on the market, despite their graphics of glowing muscle groups and before-and-after photos of Captain Flabby morphing into Emperor Ripped Pecs. Maybe it's the disclaimer of "Results not typical".

I had been a good little Aussie and bought a pin from the old ducks at Woden that afternoon. At 4am that day, I realised that it was now stabbing me in the chest, and I was in unbearable pain. Now I know how those diggers felt as they were being shot. Yep, I actually likened a bullet to lying on a small badge. I angrily took it off (which took a lot longer than it should have, but I had fallen asleep on my arm and couldn't move my hands quite as freely as I would have liked) and put it on the seat next to me. I think it fell down behind the cushion, no doubt I'll stab myself with it soon and be angry all over again.

Upon waking, I did my part to be as top an Aussie as I could be and ate some Vegemite toast to give me fuel for "going over the top", which was actually just me going to the pub with my mates. We must have walked about a kilometre, and complained the whole way. It was unseasonably warm, after all. Those diggers had it easy. At one stage I had to take my jumper off. War is hell? Pfft. Try walking with a jumper tied around your waist.

Arriving at the pub, I decided I'd been a battler long enough, and I deserved a few drinks. My seat at our table meant that I was facing the AFL game. I hate AFL. It was like watching your best mate getting gunned down next to you. Now I knew how the diggers felt.

"Deserving a few drinks" pretty much sums up the rest of my day, although at one stage I begrudgingly handed over a few lobsters ($20 notes) to a guy in a pink shirt after the old adage "tails never fails" let me down. Actually, it was more than one stage, as that old adage definitely did NOT prove to be very true at all. A pink-shirted, hair waxed (from the back) metro bloke with a studded belt took my cash. I felt like I'd been put in the front line for the next assault into No Man's Land.

I also stole a McDonalds cheeseburger from my mate after he had passed out ("Shoes are off! I was asleep!") on his couch. It was like taking the ration pack of a fallen soldier as he lay on the battle ground with a gunshot wound to his stomach.

Worst bloke ever.

Lest we forget.

it's time

As I was galavanting around the city the other day, skipping merrily through the traffic cones and windscreen-washers, I noticed something. I was the only fuckwit around. I checked my watch (I don't actually have a watch, but I do have a drawing of a compass on my wrist) and realised that it was THAT time again. I should have realised... The fat people on The Biggest Loser aren't as fat as they once were, the dancers on So You Think You Can Dance... well, they're still dancing, possibly moreso than they previously were... It's time for Big Brother to grace our screens once again.

It's time for 16 spastics to be plucked from the streets and thrown into a house on the Gold Coast where they can fondle each other, themselves and Kyle Sandilands.

It's time to wonder whether showering in speedos would actually get you clean. It's time to listen to the riveting conversations of 18-year old Meghaan and 22-year old Ryder discussing "life experiences" when one night Meghaan lost her mobile phone and was all like, you know, totally like freaking out. It's time when "yeah nah" becomes an acceptable phrase.

No wonder I drink more when Big Brother is on.

It's time to read a book.

prost!

Scene: Open on the bedroom window; the sun is bright, finding its way between chinks in the curtain and right into your eyes. Zoom into eyes; they are bloodshot and unfocussed. Pull back - you are sprawled sideways across your bed, your hair looks like fifteen manky rats decided to have an orgy on your head. You lick your lips and try to swallow, but every ounce of hydration has been sucked out of your body. You groan, roll over and try to go back to sleep.

This screenwriting thing is easy. Welcome to having a hangover, by the way.

MISTER EVIL BREAKFAST'S GUIDE TO HANGOVERS.

First off, I would just like to announce that this is not a hangover cure per se, it is merely offering advice as to what to do in the event of a hangover occurring. Once you have a hangover, there's not much that can be done except ride the wave out.

For the first-time hangover readers out there, your only previous hangover experience will probably have been from movies. Don't be fooled. In the movies, a character will hold their head and say, "Uuuh my head," be offered a Panadol and they'll be running marathons in the next scene. Movies suck.

If you wake up with a hangover, it is assumed that you have indulged in the over consumption of alcohol the night before. It doesn't matter what kind of alcohol, whether it was beer, wine or spirits, the outcome is very much the same. It's too late to worry about drinking too much now, what's done is done. Accept the fact that you have a hangover quickly; it will make the rest of the day slightly more bearable.

Step 1: Empty your pockets

For no other reason than to see how much money you have. INTERESTING FACT #3279: After every night out, you will come home with money in your pocket that is made up of 89% coins. INTERESTING FACT #3280: If you're me, you'll also bring home a few shotglasses/wineglasses/water features. Anyway, these coins will come in handy later on. While you're digging through your jeans from last night, you might want to check your phone. A hangover often signifies that you were acting slightly differently than you otherwise would if alcohol had not been present - make sure you didn't call anyone that you shouldn't have. If you did, make a note to call back and apologise. Not right now though, you're in no shape to be talking.

Step 2: Shower

A shower is the most necessary thing in the world right now. You smell like 4-day arse. Get in, tiger. Depending on the ferocity of your hangover, you may want to sit down in the corner of your shower and just let the water fall over you. Adopting the foetal position is not a bad thing at all, just remember to occasionally adjust the temperature of the water, because you're probably in for the long haul if this is your chosen shower position, and that hot water is not going to last forever. Other favourite positions are the "Paris Hilton", where you wrap your mouth around the showerhead and try to keep up with the flow; the "Climate Control", where you start with your back against the cold tiles while your chest and stomach are pelted with hot water. After about 30 seconds, turn around. Repeat until you get too dizzy or the water turns cold. And finally, the "Pregnant Lady", where you stand with your hands folded over your belly and your chin thoughtfully resting on your chest.

Step 3: Food

Everyone has their comfort food, and people swear by different kinds; the greasy, bacon laced burger with extra cheese and a giant fuck-off cup of Coke works for some. Others will hock into a box of donuts. Some drink Mountain Dew and eat Jatz crackers with dip; I've seen others numbly shove handfuls of dry Frosties into their mouths. This is where your leftover coins come in handy: give them to someone (anyone at all - a housemate, a boyfriend / girlfriend / parent / sibling / neighbour / paperboy / homeless man) to go and get you food while you take it easy on the couch. You have a big day of sitting around being hungover to get through; you need to conserve your energy.

Step 4: Activities

Old faithful, the television can come in quite handy right about now. Something needs to entertain you. Normal television programming will probably not suffice, unless there's a Channel 9 special of "Classic Sports Bloopers" or "Russell Gilbert Isn't Funny: Here's Proof" that is on that day. Pop in a DVD (the worse the film, the better you'll feel), and sit back and 'chillax'. Also, if anyone tells me to chillax while I'm hungover, they'll definitely be getting a crowbar swung lazily at them. And then, when I'm feeling more spritely, it'll be swung harder, with more purpose, and will look more like a chainsaw.

You might also like to go outside if the weather is fine. And this is where the fun can begin again:

Step 4A: The recount

Catch up with the people you went out with the night leading into your hangover. Since you will all be in a similar state, things will automatically become hilarious due to lack of hydration, lack of sleep and residual drunkenness that all robs the thought processes of common sense. You should swap stories about what you can remember from the night, discuss how disgusting you all feel, offer insights into your attempts to converse with your cab driver, and dangerously, try to work out whose shout it was when the night was abandoned.

Step 4B: The Hair of the Dog

Before you know it, you may just find yourself with another pint of delicious, cold beer in your hand. It may have started as a joke when someone suggested having a beer, it may have been someone buying you a beer to apologise / thank you for something that happened the night before, or it might have just been a natural reaction to order a beer whenever you leave your house to see your mates. In any case, you are now officially drinking again.

You may find that the first drink is hard to swallow, both literally and metaphorically. The taste will be off, the liquid will sit thick and heavy in your gut, and your brain will tell you that it's a bad idea. You must ignore your brain, for the first glass at least. If another beer is presented or offered, accept it and have a sip. The first sip of the second drink will tell you whether you've managed to convince your brain that drinking is still a good idea. The taste will be better, it will be lighter in your stomach and your head will feel a bit more relaxed (you might even be able to say 'chillaxed' around me by now). If, by the third glass, your brain is still saying 'no', it means that it's probably a good idea to stop drinking. If you want to be childish about it though, you can continue trying to convince your brain to let you keep drinking, and turn to shots a lot earlier than you normally would. If this is the case, try to imagine a kid who is trying to get his mum to buy him a Power Ranger toy. The mum says, "No." The kid cries. Mum ignores it. Kid keeps crying, wailing on the floor, calling for the Power Ranger. Mum says, "No." There's your 'third drink', so to speak. The fourth drink, or the 'shot' in this case, would be the kid taking the car keys, jumping in the Subaru and heading down to K-Mart and putting the entire Power Rangers line on mum's credit card.

Sometimes, people, you need to steal a car to get a Power Ranger. That's all I'm saying.

The Hair of the Dog approach is only good for so long. You should stop drinking when all symptoms of being hungover have dissipated and you're getting a bit pissy. If you cannot read that last sentence out-loud, you have officially stepped over the 'pissy' line and you have become 'drunk again'.

If the next morning begins much the same as this one, you should follow Steps 1 - 3 again, perhaps twice over, but do NOT go to "Hair of the Dog". Sometimes you just take too much fur from that puppy, and he's looking decidedly shabby by now.

Drink in moderation and stuff, lest you become one of those guys who invites himself onto a random table and dribbles nonsense to anyone who will listen.

That said: I'll cook breakfast if you go get beers.

Manners are free

If you are at a disco and you get asked to dance, the polite thing to do is say yes. If you own a stair-building company, and someone asks you to build stairs, you should also say yes. However, don't dance on the stairs until the concrete or glue has set, unless you are both very light on your feet. Sometimes you have to be impolite to save lives. Ask to see dance certificates beforehand, you can't always trust people who just want to dance on your new stairs.

eggs

And thanks for coming, Easter. Nice of you to pop by.

How tops is Easter? Very tops. It probably wasn't tops for Jesus as he got to 'hang out' on Calvary for a while, with not much to do, people stabbing him and banging nails into his arms and legs and all that, which I'd say is (a) annoying and (b) painful. But anyway, we got 4 days off work to eat, drink and be merry with mountains of chocolate and whatnot, so it's tops for us.

And somewhere, there's a rabbit. Handing out eggs. Made of chocolate.

Stupid Easter, makes no sense. Lucky I got days off work.

And, I got to see this:




I love you, Llama in a Car.

A rollicking, feel-good family adventure

Rambo - rated R18+

I'll just kick it right off here - Rambo is the greatest film ever.

Considering that there's about a page and a half of script, being the greatest film ever is even more of an accomplishment. This is an action film (Rambo was never going to translate well as a romantic comedy or musical) of the highest order, and is chock-full of scenes where you keep repeating "oooooh shit" and "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck". You'll pee a little, it's just that good.

The 'story' starts off with a bunch of do-gooder boy scouts going to Burma to do do-gooder boy scout stuff - help with medical shenanigans, read bibles, show them how to line dance and so on. All very nice. Love love love. We're introduced to the situation in Burma courtesy of some actual footage of Burmese soldiers being pretty evil fuckers, shooting peeps and beheading peeps and generally not being nice peeps to other peeps. It's pretty full on, and you get that funny feeling that a whole bunch of explosive-tipped justice is going to be handed out.

Some stuff that doesn't involve anyone being killed happens, so I won't go into much detail about that - I'd probably catalogue the next ten minutes or so under "character development". The fact that Stallone has one look for the entire film (and that look says "fuck you") make these scenes almost unnecessary except as an excuse to show some snake-wrangling, and I'm a sucker for snake-wrangling scenes.

The boy-scout missionaries are captured by evil Burmese soldiers, which is bad news for them, but good news for us, otherwise we'd just be watching Rambo sit around, reading books and going fishing and doing ironing and stuff (actually, there is a fishing scene, but done Rambo style, which automatically makes it awesome). Instead, he goes out into the jungle to rescue them, accompanied by a band of ex-Navy Seals and SAS dudes. The troops are really only there to share in Rambo's awesomeness, and also to get into trouble so he can save them and continue being so awesome at everything. They're a decent bunch of guys, and are able to tell the audience enough about themselves in one line of dialogue of what to expect from them. Things like:
"Just cause I'm a redneck doesn't mean I can't read!"
"They always called me Schoolboy, even back in sniper training."
"I'm an old, cranky man, but I eat nails and shit bullets."

So hooray, we know who everyone is. Redneck, sniper, old man. Gotcha. You know how everyone loved the sniper in 'Saving Private Ryan'? That guy sucks. This new Rambo sniper dude is the duck's nuts, my friends. It made me go out and join a sniper squad. All I have at the moment is a broom that I point at people, but still... are you in a sniper squad? No. Didn't think so.

So they go upstream to where the missionaries were last seen, and the troops tell Rambo to "stay with the boat". We all know Rambo isn't going to "stay with the boat", and thank fuck for that. I didn't pay $15 to watch Rambo play cards while he waits for some other dudes to kill an army and rescue some churchies. And hey, if anyone told Rambo to "go fish", they'd have their legs ripped off and replaced by sticks of dynamite. I'm pretty sure that by this point, Rambo wasn't even thinking of that pile of ironing that he had to do back home, either. So again, good news for us.

During filming, they basically got to this point of the film when Stallone forgot to bring his script to the set. "Let's just blow stuff up from here on in," he says, and because he's (a) Rambo, (b) writer and director, and (c) the best, no-one argued.

And it's glorious. I felt like I was showering in intestines and rolling around in half a cadaver. Reminded me of the good old days.

Sly, you're not too old to do anything. I love you.

Rambo scores fairly highly on the Mister Evil Breakfast Rating Of Movies That I May Or May Not Have Seen (MEBROMTIMOMNHS), and is recommended to everyone in the universe.

cheese

You know when someone asks you to take a photo of them with their camera, and they say, "It's just this button here"? Thanks moron, I have seen a camera before. The button is rarely hidden away on the underside of it.

The next time someone does it to me, I'm going to exclaim that it's the most unique camera I've ever seen, and tell them that I'm taking it to a laboratory where they can examine this unprecedented specimen of photographic power.

But really, I'll just sell it.

Acchio zap zap!

If you ever find yourself with wizard powers, you probably shouldn't use them for personal gain, like to make your lasagne taste really good. What if you entered it into a lasagne-making contest and you won? I think you'd feel guilty that you used your wizard powers. Unless it was a contest for wizards, then it would be acceptable.

Who's the distributor? Who's the slingshotter? The whippest?

Ponting sleeps at first slip


http://www.foxsports.com.au/story/0,8659,23327197-23212,00.html

This will be my last cricket post for a while. It's footy season now, anyway. Go Raiders.

In case you don't follow the link above, I've gone to the trouble of summarising it for you. Because I love you.

Basically, Mr Ricky Chipmunk Fucking Ponting has called for "fresh blood" to be brought into the Aussie cricket team. This comes after they were humiliated by a group of pre-pubescent Indians who exploited the Aussies' inability to hit, catch or bowl a cricket ball. I hope Chipmunk realises that this means that he's just asked for someone to sack him.

Chipmunk Punter has given the excuse of being "overworked" in the past year. Ahem. Australia played 6 test matches and 30 or so one-day internationals. If each test match went for 5 days (and they didn't), you would have played something like 35 days worth of cricket. I'll be generous and give you an extra 15 days. 50 days out of a year isn't a lot of work, tiger. Drink your fucking cowboy juice (don't forget your shithouse vitamins as well) and TOUGHEN THE FUCK UP.

Welcome to your last year as an Australian player, Richard T. Ponting. Your uselessness as captain will be quickly found out as you realise that you can't just throw the rock to McGrath or Warne when you're looking for wickets, and you can't rely on someone like S.R. Waugh to knuckle down and bat out two hours of hostile fast bowling. Thanks for announcing your retirement, Ricky. We'll miss you like someone misses a genital rash.

Allan Bradman Border Boonie Medal Awards of Recognising Excellence from Silly Point Third Man Gully

Well, the AB Medal is over for another year. And that's a good thing, because it means we won't have to see the Rogue Traders performing again until the ARIAs, the Logies, or whenever it rains at the cricket and they use Natalie Bassingthwaite's nostrils as a cover.

Well done to Brett Lee for picking up the AB Medal for being generally tops. A big FUCK YOU to Matt Hayden for winning the One-Day Player Award, just fucking retire already, you creepy old man, and congrats to whichever idiots won the trophies that no-one cares about (State player, Young Talent, Women's award and the Lewis-Duckworth prize for most confusing selection in a sporting team, which was incidentally, once again won by Shane Watson).

Notice how Ponting's massive form slump began when I started threatening to crowbar him? Notice that he got a ton when I stopped? Yep. I have the power.




Here's a picture of Ponts (and trophy wife Rhianna) from the Awards ceremony. See how he's on the lookout for an unknown assailant with a crowbar? See the woman in the red dress behind him? That could have been me, Punter. Sleep with one eye open.

Shopping is awesome

Like a tiger. The head of Telstra is awesome too, just like me.





Dear Shopping Centre Patrons,

I'm sure you will agree with me when I say that shopping centres are awesome. You can wander around and buy things, pretend to buy things, see a movie, steal the dividers between band names in CD shops, grab a bite at the food court, throw food at people in the food court, buy a Boost Juice and look cool, try on clothes that you don't like, sit on furniture that you can't afford, try on hats, pretend you're interested in buying a giant plasma tv, talk to some guy about connecting your house to Foxtel and walk away as he's preparing the paperwork, stand outside the bank and wait for it to open since it's there to 'meet your needs', wonder if it's too late to buy rollerblades, set off all the wind-up toys at the same time, and generally annoy people. Annoying people is awesome, but only when I do it.

Something that's not awesome is when there are way too many other people who distract me from being awesome, and just make me angry. I'm not saying it's you, Shopping Centre Patron, but it just might be.

One of the scourges of our great centres, plazas, malls, arcades and boulevards are people who stop for no reason. There's nothing interesting in the shop window, there's no one talking to them, they didn't just realise that they left the stove on. Perhaps they can't walk and breathe at the same time. Sudden Stoppers beware: I am not a fan of bumping into people I don't know (unless it's during a random game of Hoppo Bumpo), and so the next person who does this to me, especially at either end of an escalator, is going to get a good punch in the back of their head. You've been warned.
And what's the dealio with escalators? They're not a ferris wheel, Patrons of the Shopping Centre. It's not a fucking ride. Just because they move doesn't mean that you have to stop. And if you're an ugly emo teenager with an ugly emo teenage boyfriend/girlfriend, a trip on the escalator does NOT mean you have permission for an ugly 15-second make-out session.

Children are also now officially banned from escalators. No, they're banned from shopping completely. They get in my way far too often. Same with old people. From now on, shopping centres have an age limit between 10 and 70. If you're not between those ages, and you decide to head into Sanity to see if the new Garth Brooks CD is out, you'd better hope I'm not there, cause there'll be fists of fury coming your way. That Garth Brooks CD is mine. All of them.

If you are a parent of a child, show them some respect and don't buy them a "I'm a 12-year old slut" t-shirt. The fact that she's wearing fuck-me-boots and already has a hole in her fishnets gives it away anyway. Why would any decent parent let their 12-year old slut walk around with "I give good head" on their t-shirt? Both of you are getting a taste of my crowbar. I'm hoping that your tastebuds are located at the back of your head, cause that's where it's going.

To avoid becoming a statistic, stick to these simple rules:

Don't piss me off by being too young, too old, too stupid, a slut or the parent of a slut.

Easy.

I hope that this letter is the first step forward to a new level of awesome in the world of shopping for all of us.

love Mister Evil Breakfast

PS. If anyone else is in the Bob the Builder truck or the Wiggles' Big Red Car when I want a ride, you're getting your arse kicked.

Here's to some guy, he's true blue...

Drinking is probably my favourite past-time. It goes well with my other hobbies of jousting on horseback, gunslinging with wombats and generally pirating around. There are several places that you could drink, but the most common (and possibly most fun) place is the humble pub, or ale house. Whichever pub you decide to visit to indulge in the consumption of the amber fluid, you will meet a few "undesirables". And here, my friends, is:

Mister Evil Breakfast's Guide to People at the Pub Who You Probably Didn't Invite (MEBGTPATPWYPDI)

The Prick Behind You

It's a busy night, and there are four or five queues at the bar. You're next in line and the person next to you collects their drinks and moves away. The guy behind you slides in next to you at the bar and orders his drinks without even acknowledging the fact that you were quite clearly next. The Prick Behind You will then order twelve cocktails and have to put it on his credit card just to piss you off.

The Fuckbrain Who Doesn't Move for You

You're carrying four schooners and two bourbons across the room, you have three shots in your pocket and a glass of wine balanced on your head. There's a guy talking to a girl (that he has no chance of scoring with) in front of you. He looks at you out of the corner of his eye but doesn't move to allow you to get past. You turn side on and try to sidle past him, gently giving him a push towards the girl he's trying to chat up. The Fuckbrain either stands his ground or moves back to unbalance you and your drinks. Beer is lost, usually directly onto your crotch. If you had a spare hand, you'd crowbar the cunt.

The Table of Imaginary Friends

It's Friday evening, and after a hard week of doing whatever it is that you do, you go out with your friends. Seems that everyone and their goat has decided to do the same. 'That's fine,' you think to your own goat. 'The more the merrier.' Checking out the pub situation, there are full tables all over the place. People are crammed everywhere, and one group has been forced to squish twelve people onto one seat. And there in the distance, is a seemingly empty table; the oasis of the crowded pub. And yes, it is a mirage. At this football-field sized table, surrounded by approximately seventy chairs is one measly gadge, sipping a Coke Zero (no ice) and reading The Da Vinci Code. He won't let you take any chairs, and won't give up his table for anything.

The Almost Made It Guy

Almost is a beautiful man. He's carrying more drinks than he can carry and has almost made it back to his table, which is always located next to yours. As he approaches his destination, he relaxes, and the frosty glasses of beer slip ever-so-slightly in his grasp. He holds tighter and the glasses slide faster through his fingers. Confused, he grips harder and increases his walking speed. The harder he holds them, the further they slip, and it becomes a race to get those four glasses back to his table before they fall to the floor. He's almost there and... nope. One goes, they all go, all over your table. He was within a metre of being a hero, now he's the Almost Made It Guy. He has to do another shout, and you have a table that will never be dry, nor rid of the stale beer smell again.

The Guy That Follows You Around

Everywhere you look, there he is. If you're in the toilet, he's there; at the bar, he'll be buying a drink; if you're outside getting a a kebab, he's deciding whether to get garlic or chilli sauce. He's at the table next to you, behind you, in front of you. If you dance, he's right there with you. He'll be there when you get money from the ATM and will be in the taxi line when it's time to go home. And he keeps staring at you the more you stare at him, probably because he thinks you're following him around as well.


Here's cheers! And watch the floor, I just dropped a glass.

I'm so going to Hollywood

After the success of the Pirates of the Carribean movies, Australia's own film industry is following the trend of making movies based on popular theme-park rides.
Coming soon:

Dodgem Cars
Greg is our loveable larrikan hero, working the dodgems as he travels around the country with the carnies. He was known as the best dodgem operator in Australia, hopping onto the back and steering people out of tricky situations whenever they got stuck in the corner. Until one day, he was having trouble with Red #4, and as he spun the wheel, he was hit unexpectedly from the side. He lost his balance and landed in an approaching car, a car holding a young mother and her daughter. As he fell, he inadvertently crushed the young girl's ice-cream. Tears were shed, ice-cream was lost, and Greg lost the nerve to tackle the dodgems again.

But with the biggest show in Narramine's history fast approaching, more carnies are required, and corrupt ride-manager Mr Bertis is forced to approach Greg to take care of the dodgems.

"It's bumper-to-bumper fun!" - some guy
"A rare insight into the carnie life - laughs, love and drama. Brilliant." - some other guy
"Wow!" - obligatory one-word review

Centrifugal

Working the Gravitron wasn't how high-school jock Keith imagined his life would turn out. The combination of bad carnival hot-dogs, pies and battered savs plus a machine that spins fast enough to reverse gravity is never a pretty one. Sick of mopping up putrid vomit, but with no other choice since the tragic (and badly filmed & often referred to flashback) car accident that took his parents' lives, he was forced to take care of his seven brothers and sisters, and often struggled to make ends meet. One night after a few too many bags of fairy floss, Keith puts the Gravitron into hyperdrive, spinning it fast enough to create a porthole into the past.

If you had the chance to start over, would you do it?

"If you liked 'The Castle', you'll love 'The Dish'!" - a confused punter
"Fascinating - the best time travel movie since Donnie Darko, but not as well acted, written or directed..." - someone who didn't really think about his review
"Abbie Cornish is charming!" - someone who mistakenly thought that Abbie Cornish was in this movie.


Haunted House

For four dollars, Cassandra didn't expect much from the Haunted House ride at the fair. Plastic skeletons, glow-in-the-dark paint and rubber spiders are hardly the thing of nightmares. Until now.
Filmed entirely on a bad mobile phone camera, this first-person perspective of a Haunted House ride will leave you shocked, confused and slightly ripped off, just like visiting a real Haunted House. Except if you see this at the movies, it will cost you $15.

"I couldn't see a thing." - Wayne (film critic)
"It had barely begun and then it was over. I don't get it. Is that seriously it?" - Dwayne (another film critic)
"It was ok, I guess. I dunno." - Shane (some kid who snuck in)

I'm gonna be famous

This one's gonna hurt. If anyone out there knows how I can somehow upload a Word Document instead of this massive amount of text... I'd be about as appreciative as one man can actually be.

Anyway, Big Brother is almost upon us. This year, you had to send in a video of yourself (done; you can download it for $8.99 onto your mobile phone) and then send in a bunch of stupid answers to a bunch of stupid questions.

Here's Mister Evil Breakfast, ready to take a million bucks from some spastic chick with big norgs... These are seriously all the questions on the application form.

Awesome.

Mister Evil Breakfast's Big Brother audition 2008


1) Your current address
**information not disclosed to MEB readers. Sorry, I have enough problems being swamped with fans, I don’t need any more people camping outside my house just to get a photo with me**

2) Your work phone number
I honestly have no idea. I only realised I had a phone yesterday.

3) Your hair colour
I have no hair. Hair is for the weak.

4) Your eye color - left eye, right eye.
I wear an eyepatch, due to my pirate nature. My other eye is black. Not really, but that would be cool.

5) Are you of Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander decent?
No.

6) Your height (cms)
250

7) Your weight (kgs)
20 kgs

8) Your shoe size (Australian)
10 ½

9) Your dress size (Australian)
Only on weekends, size 4.

10) Your bust size (cms)
My pecs are rippling.

11) Your hip measurement (cms)
What? Big enough to keep my torso from falling into my legs.

12) Your collar measurement (cms)
These questions are stupid.

13) Your chest measurement (cms)
MASSIVE.

14) Tell us in at least 300 words about your childhood. Where did you grow up? What was your family life like?
I was born a pirate, and lived in a cave for the first 7 years of my life, learning the language of ants. Although the ants weren’t pirates, they took me in and became my family. I guess it was a normal childhood, really. After I left the cave, I was a superhero on the streets of London for a time, until I became too bad-ass for my own good and had to retire before I beat myself up for being so damn awesome. I became a millionaire around age 13 by doing mime routines in elaborate street performances. Unfortunately, the good times couldn’t last and I lost all my money at the casino one night by not following the Wesley Snipes creed: Always bet on black. Stupid red. I am now no longer allowed into casinos due to the carnage that followed.

15) Describe your family life now. Has it changed since you were a child?
Not too much, although the ant’s nest is no longer around and I have no idea what happened to my millions of brothers and sisters. I am a Pokemon champion in Japan, a pop-singer in Istanbul and a frilled-neck lizard impersonator in New York. I am still a pirate though, but I also dabble in ninja fighting and astronautical adventures.

16) Do you have any brothers and sisters? Tell us about each of them (including their names and dates of birth).
Fuck, are you serious? Do you know how many eggs an ant lays? Piss off.

17) Are you adopted?
Yes, by the ants. Are you even reading this?

18) Do you have any children? If so, please list their names, and dates of birth.
Not that I’m aware of or paying child support for.

19) How would you describe the role you play in your family’s dynamics?
I was the human element in the ant way-of-life.

20) How do your parents/brothers/sisters/partner/children feel about you taking part in Big Brother?
I’m pretty sure they’d be disappointed that I lowered myself to this level. However, it would give me a chance to eat human entrails on live national television, so they’d be happy that I got to cross something else off my ‘things to do’ list.

21) How does your family describe you?
The best ever. Probably because I am made of knives and am totally awesome.

22) Who in your family are you closest to? Why?
I’d say my nunchuks are now officially a part of my family, especially after the commitment ceremony. Whenever I get into trouble, they’re there for me.

23) Who in your family do you not get on with? Why?
I had a falling out with Trevor, and pushed him into a giant pit of scorpions and lepers. He touched my violin. He knew not to touch my violin, as I had written a note on it saying ‘Do not touch this violin, Trevor, or I’ll fucking kill you.’ He knew I was serious, too, cause the note was written in my sister’s blood, as she was the last person to touch it as well.

24) Name three things you could not do without in the house and why.
1. My pirate hat. It’s a part of me. Quite literally. I had it surgically attached for Christmas.
2. A pogo stick. I’ve never used one, but I think I’d quite enjoy it.
3. My fairy wings. Just so someone can say, “Nice fairy wings!” and then I can stab them with the couch.

25) What are your best qualities?
All of them. Even my bad qualities are good.

26) Tell us about any bad habits you have (be honest!)
I tend to make people nervous by staring at them and mouthing “I will kill you.” I swear, it’s not intentional. It’s more of a subconscious habit now. I also have a penchant for killing people. And I bite my nails.

27) What habits and behaviour do you find most annoying in others?
All of them. They don’t have those habits for long after I meet them. Being torn in half by me is a good way to stop annoying behavioural patterns.

28) Do you have any phobias? What?
I don’t like spiders. Or Reese Witherspoon. You know that scene in Cruel Intentions where she pulls faces at Ryan Phillippe? Definitely the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

29) What three things frustrate you most about every day life?
i My crowbar is heavy.
ii. That guy.
iii. Answering 123 questions for no apparent reason.

30) What is your biggest achievement?
If I get to the end of this questionnaire, it will be that. Otherwise, probably foiling the bank robbery of ’93.

31) What are your life ambitions?
To cross all the names off my crowbar list. Unfortunately, it keeps growing.

32) What is your most prized possession and why? Who gave it to you or did you buy it yourself?
My mighty Viking axe that was given to me by the Norse god, Oden. Nice bloke, very dry sense of humour. I like it because I can pretty much cut people in half just by thinking about swinging it at them, and then swinging it at them.

33) What style of music would you say is your favourite?
Pirate metal.

34) What sort of music do you listen to when you’re down?
Pirate metal.

35) What sort of music do you listen to when you’re feeling up?
Pirate metal. These questions are fucking stupid.

36) Name your favourite football team.
The might of the bloody Canberra Raiders

37) List your three favourite films or actors. Any special reason?
1. Orlando Bloom – I would like to hit him with a crowbar. There’s no way that anyone can be that good looking and that bad an actor. He is not human, and I’d like to kill a cyborg for a change.
2. That guy who was in that other movie with that bloke – I love his stuff. Very versatile.
3. Someone else.

38) List your three favorite books or authors. Any special reason?
a. Any Mr Men book. They inspire me.
b. The 2015 Sports Almanac.
c. Hustler. Boobs.

39) Tell us in at least 200 words about a topic you know more about than anyone else.
I could, but it would probably blow your mind.
And no-one really wants to hear about the day I found a human head.

40) In your quietest moments, what do you think or dream about?
Kittens. Just kidding. Murder.

41) What does happiness mean to you? What makes you happy?
Happiness is a bottle of wine and a fine cigar, followed by a good old fashioned pirate dance on a Viking ship.
Eating corn on the cob is also good.

42) What famous person do you admire most and why?
Myself. Having a blog that is read by at least three people makes me the most famous person ever. I also admire myself because I’m doing this questionnaire.

43) Who would you have dinner with and why? – Nicole Kidman, Ben Cousins or Britney Spears?
Nicole Kidman, just so I could try to get her to eat something. Also because she’s teetering on the edge of being on my crowbar list, and I’d like to be able to make up my mind about her.

44) What makes you sad?
When I hear about pelicans who get lost in the snow.

45) What makes you angry?
When I run out of Pirate Juice and a bunch of pirates rock up to my house and are all like, “Hey man, where’s your Pirate Juice?” and everyone laughs at me.

46) How do you generally manage your anger?
Crowbars and setting things on fire. Also, a cup of Milo.

47) What techniques do you employ to best manage stress in your life?
See above. Stop asking me stupid questions.

48) Which historical or mythical figure do you think you are most like? Why?
I can’t make up my mind; either Spider-man or my next-door neighbour. Spider-man because I’m the best, and my next-door neighbour because his house is close to mine.

49) Have you ever had to share a bedroom? When? Tell us anything you found uncomfortable about it.
I used to share a bedroom with a battle droid. That got a bit uncomfortable at times, particularly during blizzards, which occurred every seventeen seconds.

50) How do you really feel about being filmed 24 hours a day? In at least 100 words, tell us about any aspects of it you are uncomfortable about?
I don’t mind at all, because no one will watch this rubbish anyway. Is that 100 words? No? Too bad.

51) How do you feel about the possibility of being seen naked by viewers on in intimate situations?
People should be more scared about seeing me naked than anything. Your legs could melt just by the thought of seeing me with no clothes on.

52) Tell us in at least 200 words how you feel about having no contact with the outside world for approximately 3 months? This includes having NO access to TV, newspapers, radio, CD, computer or mobile phone.
No.

53) Who do you live with and what’s your relationship to them? How long have you lived there?
I live alone, simply so I don’t have to explain anything to anyone when I bring a new corpse into the house.

54) Tell us how you spend your days. If you work tell us about your job; if you’re a student tell us how you spend your time etc.
I spend most of my day hanging upside down in a pool of toffee. I like to go ice-skating and roll down hills. I am also learning how to knit.

55) If you aren’t doing your dream job - what would it be?
I’d like to be a rhino. Rhinos are cool. That would be a good job to have, being a rhino.

56) What sort of sport or exercise do you enjoy? How regularly do you do it?
I am the current truck-throwing champion of the world. Beat that.

57) How do you spend your leisure time?
I think I’ve answered this before, haven’t I? Something about toffee and knitting or something. Oh, and swearing at people.

58) Do you play a musical instrument? If so what?
You missed a comma. It should have read: “If so, what?” Idiot.

59) Are you a member of any clubs or associations? Please specify.
I am Leader of the World. I think that should count for something.

60) Do you have any hidden talents or unusual hobbies or interests?
I have many, but they’re not hidden, since I have them all tattooed across my face.

61) How do your friends describe you?
They’re too scared to talk about me in case I don’t like what I’m hearing and break out the chainsaw. I love that chainsaw.

62) How would you best describe three of your closest friends?
1. Lice.
2. Exonerated.
3. Purple.

63) Have you ever fallen out with friends? Why?
Possibly, but only one of us is alive to talk about it.

64) Tell us about a recent example of a person you have found hard to get along with. Why did you not like them? Why did your personalities clash?
Some idiot wrote a questionnaire to get onto Big Brother. I didn’t like that person, especially after I thought, “This would make a funny thing to write.” I don’t like you. You’d better start running.

65) Have ever won a prize? What for?
I win everything. At everything. Even things I didn’t enter. I’ll probably win Big Brother, even though I’m not going on it. I won it last year, too.

66) Tell us about your relationship history, the different people you have had relationships with and whether you are still in contact with them. What was their (full) name?
I have a potato.

67) Are you happy with your current relationship, or lack of it? How did it happen?
I eat tomatoes like apples.

68) What was your most significant relationship? What happened?
Once I ate a kilo of grapes in one sitting.

69) Have you ever had your heart broken? What happened and when?
I separated an egg. I can’t remember why.

70) Is there anyone you once loved (your first love perhaps) and are still not over?
I did love a TV show called “Last Standing”, but it only lasted about 4 episodes. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. It was really good.

71) If you are divorced, what is the name of your ex-partner?
Penelope.

72) Are you usually the dumper or the dumpee? What happens and why do you think that is?
I would liken myself more to a coat… oh, dumper. I thought it said Jumper.

73) What is the worst way you have dumped someone, or been dumped?
Probably when I formed “You’re dumped” in the sky using specially trained pigeons and a glue that holds things in the air.

74) Describe your ideal relationship.
FUCK THIS IS BORING.

75) If you could start all over, what would you like to change in your life?
Not start this questionnaire.

76) What do you expect from the future? Where would you like to be in ten years?
Hopefully I’ll have finished filling this piece of shit out. The future will be a lot like now, but with more flying cars.

77) While you’re in the house, it’s likely that ex-lovers, former friends etc, may come forward to tell the world what you’re ‘really’ like - how do you feel about this? Can you guess who might spill the beans?
They know what will happen to them if they do.

78) Have you ever used recreational drugs? What? With what frequency and when was the last time? (Please note you will be drug tested prior to going into the House).
Only those which I grow, process and sell myself.

79) Have you ever been to a funeral? Tell us about it, including who it was and how they died.
This is probably the worst question on here, and that’s saying something.

80) Do you smoke?
Only after sex. I’m a pack-a-day man.

81) If you do smoke, how many a day?
I should have read the next question before answering the last one.

82) What is your sexual preference? M/ F/ Both
Mineral.

83) How much do you have in your bank account?
I have a small jar with a cookie and a plastic spoon in it. That’ll do me.

84) What religion are you?
Breakfast.

85) Please provide contact details for someone you work with. Make sure you get their consent first. (Friend contact)
I work with Leroy, my pirate buddy. He's not an astronaut though. I am.

86) Please provide contact details for your mother. Make sure you get her consent first. (Family contact)
Please provide contact details for YOUR mother. Yeah.

87) Please provide contact details for your father. Make sure you get his consent first. (Family contact)
He didn't give me his consent. I'm pretty sure he'd punch your face inside-out if you tried to call him though.

88) Please provide contact details for your best friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
My best friend is a worm called Elvis. It's hard to reach him, due to him being: A) a worm, B) Elvis, and C) a ninja.

89) Please provide contact details for a relative other than your parents or brothers and sisters. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Family contact)
I have gone for three days without sleep.

90) Please provide contact details for a second good friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
How come so many kids have allergies these days? In my day, if we got sick, it got back-handed out of you.

91) Please provide contact details for a third good friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
No. How many friends do you people need anyway?

92) Please provide contact details for three former partners - (husband; wife; girlfriend; boyfriend) resident in Australia. Make sure you get their consent first.
Porridge is a funny thing, isn't it? The word comes from the sound it makes when it falls off your spoon in slow-motion.

93) Between the months of April to August is there anything in your daily routine (ie feeding your dog/cat/animal, caring for a family member, work etc), that would preclude you from being part of Big Brother?
Could you please protect the world from super-villains? And feed my fish. And find me a job, and do that job to a satisfactory level until I return. I may get you fired though, so don’t get too comfy.

94) Please provide the following details for your present/most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
I am self-employed as a pirate.

95) Please provide the following details for your second most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
I was a travelling minstrel, selling poems to ponds and writing on the seeds of a dandelion. Also, I was stoned. Really, really stoned.

96) Please provide the following details for your third most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
Body double for Daniel Day-Lewis’ left foot in the movie “Last of the Mohicans”.

97) Are you happy to undergo a psychological test? (This is a pre-condition to participation in the series)
Another one? Man…

98) Are you happy to undergo a medical test? (This is a pre-condition to participation in the series)
Sure, but I am part machine, you should probably know that now.

99) Have you ever been treated for, or had any serious illnesses? If yes, please give details including dates.
I am disease and pestilence.

100) Have you ever been treated for any psychological/psychiatric problems? If yes, please give details including dates.
Have I? You should see my file (you can’t, by the way).

101) List any medication you have been prescribed or taken over the last six months.
All of them. At once.

102) Are there any medications you will continue taking, or anticipate taking over the next six months?
Hopefully the antidote to all the ones I took previously.

103) Have you ever been diagnosed with alcoholism or any other drug-related addiction? If so, please provide details including how long you have been in recovery.
I’m drinking a schooner of heroin right now.

104) Do you have any food allergies or special dietary requirements?
I will eat anything, including human flesh, barbed wire and tofu.

105) Do you suffer from regular pain in any way, for example headaches or period pain? If so, how do you overcome the pain?
Period pain. Strangely, except for when I am having my period.

106) Have you ever had an operation? Why? When?
I once had an operation to insert a CD player into my chest, so I could play theme music as I kicked ass everywhere. But now I just get an orchestra to follow me around.

107) Have you ever been charged with a criminal offence? If so, please give details of the offence you were charged with and the dates of charge/s. What was the outcome?
Probably. I get into a lot of trouble and wake up with no memory and bloody hands. It can be a bit embarrassing.

108) Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If so, please give details including dates of conviction. You are not required to answer this question if your conviction is a spent conviction.
I did spend some time in jail, but I rolled a double three and got out.

109) Have you ever had a restraining order (such as an apprehended or personal violence order) issued against you? If so, please give details including dates the order was made.
I sure have. It’s framed and hanging on my wall.

110) Are you currently on bail or probation or are there any outstanding criminal or civil actions being taken against you? If so, please give details including the dates when you think you might be required to attend at court.
Yep.

111) Are you presently affected by or a party to any court proceedings which are not covered by the questions above (for example, any matter in the family law courts such as divorce or custody proceedings, driving convictions, proceedings for debt recovery or other non-criminal matters)? If so, please give details including dates when you think you might be required to attend at court.
What’s your favourite colour? I like blue.

112) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Decriminalise drugs? Yes /No /Don’t care.
Thank you for acknowledging me. Yes. Drugs are now mandatory.

113) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Castrate Paedophiles? Yes /No /Don’t care
Sure, castrate everyone. Except me.

114) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Legalise gay marriages? Yes /No /Don’t care
I won’t only legalise gay marriages, it will be illegal to not be gay. Except for me.

115) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Lower the age of sexual consent? Yes /No /Don’t care
It won’t matter, everyone’s castrated and gay.

116) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reduce immigration into Australia? Yes /No /Don’t care
Immigrants are welcome, but only if they’re hot.

117) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reintroduce capital punishment? Yes /No /Don’t care
Sure, if I can be the guy with the axe.

118) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Abolish the dole? Yes /No /Don’t care
Absolutely. However, people will be paid on the level of their awesomeness, as decided by me. Their new job will be to be awesome.

119) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Declare a republic and commission a new flag? Yes /No /Don’t care
Only if I get to draw the flag and can change it whenever I want, which will be most of the time.

120) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Ban schoolies week? Yes /No /Don’t care
It would be a year-long event and an over-18s gig only. The school kids can go back down the mines.

121) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Make Shane Warne the Minister of Communications? Yes /No /Don’t care
There’s be no Ministers for anything. Everyone would be too drunk, the only thing I need to worry about is those kids in the mine, and if they’re hauling enough coal back up here for us to live on. Warnie can buy me a beer though.

122) May we use your first name in press communications?
If I had one, you could.

123) I hereby agree that I have answered these questions to the best of my knowledge.
100%, tiger.

Ads that need punching

I'd like to write a snappy intro for this entry, but I think the title sums things up quite nicely.

I don't understand how some ads are ever produced, or what possessed someone to think that whatever angle they were looking for was deemed funny, witty, unique or clever.

I've gone through about a thOUsand tv's in the past week due to punching the crap out of the screen in a Viking-like fury because of these ads. But it's been fun, and isn't that the main point?

AAMI

Why do all AAMI ads suddenly suck? Maybe they always have, and I just haven't realised. The current one that shits me is with the chick who is trying on rings in the jewellery shop, who just happens to have brought along a CD player with the Wedding March on it (or whatever it is, you know the one: Da na na na, da na na na, da na na na na na nananananana). She's after her boyfriend, Todd, to propose to her. What if poor Toddy can't afford it? Have no fear, it's AAMI to the rescue. By insuring your car with AAMI, you can save $230 or so.

Per year.

What a fucking crock of shit.

This chick would be SO pissed off if Todd gets down on one knee, looks into her eyes and opens that little velvet box to reveal... a $230 ring. She'd laugh at him and possibly kick him somewhere soft and precious. It's ok Todd, you won't be using them again anytime soon. That chick shits me.

Dominos Pizza

Dominos Pizza's latest advertising campaign is for their "all the way to the edge" pizza. For an extra $1, you get your pizza topping "all the way to the edge". No crust. So what exactly are you supposed to hold onto while you're eating this pizza? I'd rather be holding the crust than be elbow deep in grease and cheese, but maybe that's just me. And exactly how much extra topping would that account for? My guess is less than $1, considering there's about 30 cents worth on the rest of it.

While I'm talking about pizzas, why the hell is chicken on a pizza an extra $200 surcharge? Is there a sudden chicken crisis that I haven't heard about? Are their numbers dwindling? Not according to the Colonel, my friend. Not according to the Colonel. If I insure my car with AAMI, maybe I can afford three scraps of chook on my next Dominos special.

Coke

I'm not a fan of that Coke ("We're all in this together") ad either, and not only because that friggin song gets stuck in my head for months (and replaces the Prime Possum jingle), but because of the sickly sweet people featured in the commercial. The ad opens with an emo kid walking out of a shop and sitting next to a granny at a bus stop. The granny, seeing the smelly emo and deciding she wants nothing to do with his suicide attempt, stands to walk away. Emo offers her his Coke. She takes it, smiles and makes a new life-long friend.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

1. Apparently, the emo went into the shop just to buy a Coke to give it to the old duck. Normal people don't do this, so emos definitely wouldn't. I love the word 'emo'.
2. People, young or old, would never take anything handed to them by an emo.
3. An emo would never buy a Coke. Coke isn't black enough for them.

Coke ads have gone to shit, really. The one where everyone's dancing like they're tripping on acid sucks as well. Stupid Coke.

Anything with Ricky Ponting

Ricky Ponting annoys me at the best of times, but his latest forage into whoredom really tips me over the edge (or possibly "all the way to the edge" for another dollar). He's advertising "Swisse Multivitamins" or something equally as stupid, by comparing a typical day in the Ponting household as being a tough little work out. We see him sweeping the patio, throwing an apple core into the bin and putting some washing in the machine. SLOW DOWN, PONTS!!11!! You might hurt yourself there, tiger. Oh wait, you're taking vitamins. Well that's ok then. You might even be up to wiping down a countertop in the afternoon.

The worst thing about this ad (and pretty much every ad produced during Summer), is the use of terrible cricketing cliches, for which they seem quite proud of themselves.
Advertising Genius #1: "Hey lads, I think I've come up with a new angle for this vacuum cleaner ad - we could use a cricket player, and he can use some cricket-related buzzwords."
Advertising Genius #2: "That's brilliant. But didn't we do that last year?"
Advertising Genius #1: "Well yes, but last year we used Lleyton Hewitt and got him to use tennis-related buzzwords."
Advertising Genius #2: "Who?"
Advertising Genius #1: "Lleyton Hewitt. He's married to that chick who used to be in Home and Away."
Advertising Genius #2: "Oh yeah. I remember him. Worst campaign ever. All he did was yell 'c'mon!', something about dirt 'not being serious', and a rubbish line about 'jumping a net'. Are you sure this cricket one will work?"
Advertising Genius #1: "I guarantee it. Cricket and vacuums go together like a chicken surcharge on a pizza."

Without any further adieu, I present Mister Evil Breakfast's typical ad for a vacuum cleaner starring current Test captain (not for much longer) Ricky "Sellout" Ponting:

Ricky "I SUCK!" Ponting: "Sometimes finding time to play with my kids is like playing Warnie on a 5th day SCG pitch. Impossible, especially for me. But with the new Hoover Deluxe vacuum, I'm never 'out' of time. With increased suction power, it 'hits dirt for six' and is so powerful it can even suck up 'lost Ashes from 2005'. These vacuums will be going quicker than a Brett Lee yorker, so get into your nearest Hoover dealer before they 'run out'. You'll be 'stumped' by the price! Howzat!" Throw in a few shots of Ponts getting outplayed in the backyard by his 4-year old daughter, pretending that he doesn't earn $5 million a year and actually does some vacuuming and that's a wrap.

Ponting is also crap in his slot on the Valvoline ad. I smash my television every time that ad comes on. He should stick to licking windows and stop pissing me off so much.

FUCK IT. Ponting, you've made my crowbar list. AAAAAARGH!



Welcome to the list, Mr Ponting.

just like home-made

Yep. Swanky new blog design. I clicked on some extra buttons when I was posting and look what happened. I impress myself way too much.

Can someone please explain what's going on with cafes and sandwich shops these days? A sandwich is still just a slice of bread, meat, cheese, perhaps some salad and then another piece of bread chucked on top, right? (I'm right, trust me, I've done some research) How this can cost $7.50 is beyond me. For $7.50, I could buy enough bread, meat, cheese and salad to feed a large herd of sandwich-hungry elephants. Sorry, I didn't realise I now required to take out a loan for lunch. Just having a coffee? You're up to your eyeballs in debt, sunshine. Or you would be, if you hadn't already sold them on the black market to pay for a pack of Burger Rings from the vending machine. A coffee will cost you around $3.50 for a tiny little cup. I could buy most of Brazil for $3.50. I just don't want to. It's not in my 5-year plan.

Here are the instructions for making coffee:
Put a teaspoon of coffee into your mug. Add hot/boiling water. Add milk and sugar to taste. Stir well. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Or you may be one of those champions with a coffee machine, or have decided that you're too good for instant coffee. Fine.

Here are the instructions for making plunger coffee:
Put ground coffee beans into carafe (yes, that's what they're called). Add hot/boiling water. Push down plunger. Pour into mug. Add milk and sugar to taste. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Here's how to make percolated coffee:
Insert coffee and coffee filter. Add water. Wait for coffee jug to fill up. Pour from jug into mug. Add milk and sugar to taste. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Or if you're one of those 'hoity toity' types who has their own "cafe style" machine at home:
Turn on machine. Go to uni for seven years until you learn how to use it. Clean out filter, rinse grinder. Wait for machine to warm up. Cut leg off and wait for it to grow back. Insert coffee beans. Wait for machine to cool down. Add water. Wait for water to boil. Rent 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy and watch them back-to-back (including extra footage). Fill cup with coffee. Put milk in 'frothing jug' and attach to 'frothing knob'. Travel into the future. Serve as soon as possible, cause by the time you've made one, the milk will have expired, you'll have missed your own 90th birthday party, and apes will rule the world & they'll wonder why you spent $1,000 on the world's largest paper-weight.

Since when has having a coffee required you to save up? Since when has a sandwich become a status symbol? Why is a salad costing $6.00?

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, I like the taste of cafe style coffee."
"You know what I like? Not being a chump."

does whatever a spider can

Welcome to Summer. Thanks for turning up. And so we have the age of barbecues, afternoon beers in the sun, swimming at the beach, pool, neighbour's pool, dam, lake, river or nappy bucket. The season where we all smell like SPF 30+, tan lines aren't just for truckers and our only wardrobe malfunction is when the rubber bit comes out of our thongs (that must sound funny for overseas readers. But that's your fault for not being Australian). Aerogard sales go up, dam levels go down. It's nature's see-saw.

And the bad part of summer? Spiders. I fucking hate spiders. They're everywhere you don't want them to be, like in the corners of your living room, on the wall above your bed, sitting inside your shower, on the windscreen of your car. And yes yes yes I know the majority of spiders can't really do too much damage to a person, even though this is Australia, the land where even rocks are poisonous, but there's something about spiders that I just don't trust.

It's definitely not natural for them to fart web that gets stuck every-friggin-where. There's one particularly nasty prick that puts a web in front of my car every day, and every day I walk through it (because I'm an idiot) and every day I'm worried that this stupid 8-legged freak has hitched a ride on me. Ever get spider web on your hand (and not in the "go web, go" sense)? Yeah, chances are it's still there twelve years later. And I honestly can't trust anything that hangs upside down on my roof for days. Blu-tac doesn't stick as well as spiders. But I think the main reason I don't dig spiders is because of the way that they move... it's not natural for something with eight legs to move the way they do.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, octopuses/pi have eight legs! Do you hate them too?!"

Yes.

But just not as much as I hate spiders. If an octopus decided to take up residence on the wall above the tv, I'd probably shit myself four times over. But they haven't, so I remain relatively poo-free. And giant squids take down killer whales. That's awesome. If a spider trapped, caught and ate a plane (doesn't even have to be a big one, it could snag a hang-glider for all I care), then I'd be impressed. I'm still waiting.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, you eat calamari!"

So what?

If a spider was any sort of good eating, I'd have a bite at it too. But since there hasn't been an explosion of places offering deep-fried huntsman with chilli and rock salt, I'll assume they suck as food the same way they suck as being useful pieces of the world.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, they're too small too eat LOL!!11"

According to a statistic that I just made up, there are around 120 000 spiders in a typical suburban neighbourhood. Mash a few hundred together and you'd have a decent plate of legs there. Since no-one has, I'll just assume they don't make good eating, which is another reason not to have them around.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, they kill flies!"

So does fly spray. And fly spray also kills spiders. Seriously, do we need spiders now that we have fly spray? The answer, friends, is no. My house is currently crawling with all sorts of flying bugs, you name it, moths and mozzies and weird giant bugs with humungous antennaes, and it's also home to the largest spiders this side of the Amazon, and they actually seem to be co-operating to piss me off. So spiders have officially become useless.

So whether you choose to whack them, spray them, wash them down the plughole (keep the water running, or they'll crawl back up), just make sure they're dead.

Enjoy your summer!

balls and stumps and stuff

There's been a fair bit said about the Aussie cricket team of late. Are they monkeys, are they arrogant, are they racist, do they show sportsmanship, are they all just a pack of wankers? Let's break it down, James Brown, and see what the survey says.

Matthew Hayden
Haydos is a unit, big and intimidating. He's often seen strolling down the pitch to club so called 'pace' bowlers back over their heads for another six. Haydos literally prays every time he goes to the wicket, so if you think you can get him out, you also have to contend with God. I reckon he's a bit of a tosser, personally, although since he's about 4 times bigger than me, I wouldn't say it to his face (unless I was pretty drunk). Apparently is the worst sledger in the team, repeating one bad phrase all day long. Will probably play for about another 50 years.
Wanker rating: 7
Cricket rating: 8

Phil Jacques
Jacques is a bit of a French name, and they're all wankers (not really). But Phil hasn't whored himself out to as many sponsorship deals as the rest of the team, probably due to the lack of a personality. Also drops a lot of catches, although is given the uneviable fielding position of bat-pad, which is basically sitting on the batsman's toe, waiting for him to belt it into you and hope like hell that the ball sticks. I watched this bloke doing his fielding warm-ups before the Sydney Test match, and trust me when I say that the term "throws like a pansy girl" is a compliment to him.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 5

Chris Rogers
Perth was Christopher's first crack at Test cricket, so well done you on making the team. Short-sighted and colourblind, how this guy ever became any good at cricket is beyond me. After seeing him play, it's yet to be determined if he is. I think he took a speccy catch somewhere along the line, but I may also be thinking of me. Wanker rating : Undetermined.
Cricket rating: 3

Ricky Ponting
Everyone loves Ponts, I think he's a tool. Just the way he is, rubs me up the wrong way, all Chipmunk-like. God he's annoying. And arrogant. And he almost lost the Sydney test due to terrible captaincy. And... god he just makes me so angry I can't talk about him.
Wanker rating: 10
Cricket rating: 7

Michael Clarke
Pup is supposed to be the next test captain. He'd want to buck up his ideas from this series if he still wants to take the most prized position in Australian sport. He might also want to learn how to catch, as no fewer that 12,000 chances have gone through his hands this summer. Batting had been a problem until the second innings in Perth too, which is a concern for one of the country's premier batsmen. Should concentrate on going back into the nets for a session or two instead of doing shithouse ads for KFC and whatever that Backyard Cricket thing is advertising. Idiot. Pick up your game, you skivvy-wearing knob-end.
Wanker rating: 7
Cricket rating: 6

Michael Hussey
I can't fault Huss, even when he gets out playing bad shots. He's just the best. Should probably avoid doing commercials with Pup though. I think he'd make a decent James Bond, or could possibly play Ken if the live-action Barbie movie ever gets underway.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 10

Andrew Symonds
Roy's had a lot of press lately, none of it to do with cricket. Looked disappointed to get out from a dubious decision in Perth, but should have thanked his lucky socks that no-one saw it fit to rule him out seventy-five times in Sydney. I'm still not sure if I really like him, but he's growing on me like a mole.
Wanker rating: 5
Cricket rating: 8

Adam Gilchrist
Not his greatest summer by far, but Gilly is still my most favourite person in the world. This might also be his last summer in the baggy green, so pay some respect to the great man. Did I ever mention that he waved to me a few years back? Yep. That's how tops he is. And to prove how tops I am, I waved back. It was probably the biggest highlight of his career.
Wanker rating: 1
Cricket rating: 12

Brad Hogg
I can't fault Hoggy at all. Yes, yes I can, and I will. George isn't the greatest bowler in the world, so trying to fill the void left by Mr SK Warne was always going to be an uphill struggle. Loads of character and a bowling face to rival Murali, he is never going to be a great Test bowler, but he'll do until someone else comes along. Hoggles also looks like he needs to pee when he walks. Trust me, check him out if he ever gets another game (Adelaide).
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 5

Brett Lee
Bing does keep getting better with age, like cheese or wine or leftover Chinese food. Can still crank his pace up to around 150kmh and maintain some semblance of control, so that's nice. Seems to have forgotten how to bat, but we'll forgive him for that. Doesn't seem to be doing as many shit ads as I thought he would, but might make an appearance on a bad Channel 7 Celebrity Singing/Dancing/Ice Skating spectacular (hosted by Darryl Somers) when his career is over. Bing's career, not Darryl's. Somer's career will never be over, unfortunately.
Wanker rating: 4
Cricket rating: 7

Mitchell Johnson
I don't mind the look of Johnsy, and if he can land the ball on the pitch a few more times in a game, he could prove to be a bit dangerous. Nice pace, can bowl for long spells and doesn't seem to be too much of a twat, but it's still early days. Is also the greatest batsman since Bradman, as his current average shows. 99. Yeah, bitches. Has officially replaced Nathan Brackan as my favourite left-arm pace bowler.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 7

Stuart Clark
I'm going to say it right now - Stuey Clark is super tops and I have a little man-crush on him. Has perfect control over his bowling and isn't afraid to swing the bat. Should be taking the new ball in every game he plays. Due to his lack of wankerness, he's probably alienated from the rest of the team a bit, but will no doubt have more friends after his career is over than the likes of, say, Ponting and Hayden.
Wanker rating: 0
Cricket rating: 9

Shaun Tait
The great white hope fails to deliver again. I picked Taiter as a bolter to make his mark on the international scene in 2005. Didn't quite go that well, but has since roughed up a few blokes on the pitch, so was given another shot at superstardom. Alas. Much touted as being the fastest bowler in history, he struggled to lift his pace above 130, and even then he flung down a trillion wides. Best moment of his career will be during the Perth test where he lost his run up after bowling a 9-ball over, screamed "FUCK" and went to hurl the ball at the batsman from behind the umpire anyway. Awesome. Nice going Shaun, but stick to Twenty20.
Wanker rating: 4
Cricket rating: 3


These guys are all paid an absolute motsa to do one thing: PLAY CRICKET. They should spend at least eight hours a day training for cricket, and I don't mean to go for a jog down to the shops to get some more Gatorade for an ad, or to swim the Pacific Ocean to get some KFC for an ad, or to bowl a Nissan Pajero at each other for an ad, I mean to pick up a bat and a ball and try to maim each other with them. Cause if these guys aren't tough enough to play the gentleman's game, they can piss off and get Andy Fucking Bichel and Jason Dizzy Gillespie back in. At least you know they'd give their all.

vroom

You know the best thing about motor racing? When the drivers stall their cars at the green light. Whenever this happens, I feel a sense of pride. Sure, they are all rich, they get to travel the world, drive cars at insane speeds, date supermodels and get invited to fancy-pants parties, but you know what? I know how to use my fucking clutch.

you cannot be serious

According to this story, spectators at a recent tennis match were sprayed with capsicum spray by police. http://www.foxsports.com.au/story/0,8659,23059623-23216,00.html

That'll serve you right for watching tennis.

it's my party

This guy is a knob










In case you've been living somewhere other than Narre South Warren, Victoria for the past week, you might not have attended the world's greatest party. I was there (not really, but prove me wrong, naysayers. Prove me wrong). Some little punk-ass kid was supposed to crash with his friend while his folks headed to Queensland for a holiday. Said punk-ass kid decided to hit MyFace or SpaceBook or BeboTube or GoogleEarth or whatever it is that you crazy teenagers are using these days, and invited the world over to his house for a party.

You know that scene in The Lion King where the wildebeest stampede and Simba is caught in the gorge? (Spoiler alert: Mufasa dies) Think of that, but instead of hundreds of crazed animals, think of hundreds of pissed teenagers. And instead of Mufasa dying, think of letterboxes being smashed. And instead of Simba, think of Gizmo from Gremlins. Just cause. Also in The Lion King, you know how Timon and Pumbaa dress in drag and do the hula? That kind of happened as well, but instead of a meerkat and a warthog dancing, there were policemen with dogs and a helicopter.
I love Disney films.

In any case, the drunken wildebeest teenage riot cost $20,000 in damages and the cost of the hula-dancing policemen. What does the punk ass kid do? Hides at his friend's place, ignores the calls from his family and whores himself out to any media that will put his ugly little pose on the box. Fair enough, tiger, have yourself a party, wear your Paris Hilton sunglasses, wear a furry parka but no shirt, be as much of a tool as you like, but own up to it. Accept a bit of responsibility that you, Corey McFucktard, organised a bunch of strangers to come to your house, drink turps and paint-stripper and maybe, just maaaaaybe, the 500 or so idiots there 'disrupted the peace'. You're the kind of guy who spreads mayo over tables in McDonalds pisses in shoes while the guy in the shop isn't looking. I'm sure the 15 year old kid who has to clean that up thinks you're hilarious for $7 an hour.

You're a knob, and if I see you in the street, you're getting a crowbar across the back of your head.

However... the worst part is that people are apparently offering him $20,000 to organise another party. $20K is a lot, especially to a retarded 16 year old like Corey. Think of all the Coolabah wine and soda bulbs he could buy with that. Listen here, peeps, the guy didn't organise anything the first time. He put a message on the internet, which is quite, quite free, not entirely time consuming, and available to the world. You could quite possibly do it yourself, and save yourself... ooh, let's say $20,000.

If anyone actually pays this kid to do anything other than flip burgers or stack supermarket shelves, they'll be getting a crowbarring as well.

And just for the record, here's my crowbar list as it stands:

- Anthony Mundine
- Jennifer Lopez
- Kevin Federline
- Wendell Sailor
- Lleyton Hewitt
- Russell Crowe
- Shane Watson
- All of Jet
- Freddie Prinze, Jr
- Justin Timberlake
- Corey

Welcome to the club.

Mister Evil New Year

Welcome to 2008.

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything... here's what's happened in the world since my last entry:

- After the ban of Bindeez, ravers began drinking the juice from their glow sticks.
- It became newsworthy to report that iPhones haven't been released. Neither have jetpacks, which are way overdue and a whole lot cooler.
- Paris Hilton had sex 1,000,000,000 times.
- I still don't understand Facebook, nor can I remember my password for it. But thanks to the 200 odd people who want me to be their friend.
- In a move that shocked the world, Natalie Imbruglia split up with Daniel Johns to concentrate on her career. No one realised she had one.
- Britney Spears' sister is proof that teenagers are, in fact, having sex.
- Australia received 12,289 beneficial decisions in order to defeat the Indian cricket team.
- I used my right indicator 24% more often than I used my left one.
- No good movies were released.
- The drought in Queensland ended. The flood clean-up began.
- Comedy Inc became Australia's favourite drama series.
- I realised that Kevin Rudd really does look quite odd.
- US tv show writers went on strike, so no new shows were made for about a thousand years. Apparently it takes a friggin genius to knock out an episode of Ugly Betty.
- 'White n Shine' toilet cleaner received the award for "Laziest Product Name" ("It whitens and shines"), narrowly defeating Colgate's 'Plaque Removing' toothpaste.
- Dave Hughes still isn't funny.
- The phrase "shock first round loss" lost all impact when referring to Lleyton Hewitt.
- 892 comic books were turned into movies.
- This blog entry.

And now you're up to date.

Ho ho ho

Well bugger me if it isn’t about 2 weeks till Christmas. I almost forgot to dig a chimney into the wall, stick my “Stop here, Santa” sign on the roof and hang my socks for the jolly red man to fill with presents.

Speaking of presents, I hear you all asking, “What’s in this year?” I’m glad you asked. I give you:

Mister Evil Breakfast’s Guide to Chrissy Pressies 2007

For the little brat that has everything, give him/her/it a hat that someone gave you in 1992, when the Chicago Bulls were ‘in’ and you desperately wanted Michael Jordan’s baby/rookie gold card that you would put in an airtight glass case, then put that in an airtight vault in an airtight country and then blast that country into space. I’m sure you had a plan for the rookie gold card as well. Hats are always a good idea, especially in these climate-changing days where your face can melt just by thinking about going outside. The Chicago Bulls are as well, cause they haven’t been good since 1995 or something, and are probably due for a comeback, if they’re still in the NBA. I really don’t know; I haven’t been interested in basketball since I discovered that it sucked.

For your mum and dad: Well, you probably know them better than I do, but you can never go wrong with CDs that are so generic it hurts. ‘The Best of Elvis Presley’, ‘Number 1’s of the 50s’, ‘Mozart’s Greatest Hits’, ‘Classical Classics’ and ‘Greatest Drumbeats of Early Man’ will really remind them just how old they are, and how little you expect their musical tastes have changed over the years.

Similarly, your uncle should receive either the ‘World’s Greatest Beer Drinking Songs’, ‘World’s Best Driving Songs’ or ‘Top Aussie Barbecue Tunes’ CD, which all, strangely, have the same songs on them.

For the grannies, don’t be afraid to go out on a limb and give an original present to the older ducks. Like lavender. Anything with lavender. Anything at all. Lavender and old peeps go together like super and glue. When they're apart, they’re ok, but put them together and you're having way more fun.

For your best mate, you should give something that will last forever and always remind them of you, regardless of what happens. A six-pack should suffice, but if you really want to go the extra 0.9144 meters, go for the Boags St. George, Little Creatures or Hahn Premium. If you couldn’t be arsed, don’t go any lower than Tooheys Extra Dry.

For that special someone, romance is the key. I recommend ‘Warnie’s Guide to Leg-Spin Bowling’, which not only includes all of Shane’s 708 Test wickets, it’s got every delivery that Warney ever appealed for, plus extensive reasoning by the great man himself as to why it should have been out. NOTE: Giving this gift may actually estrange you from your girlfriend over the Christmas/New Year period, but since the Boxing Day and New Year’s Tests are on, you weren’t likely to be seeing her very often anyway.

For the ladies to treat their gentlemen friends, I suggest ‘Warnie’s Guide to Leg-Spin Bowling’, just in case your boyfriend doesn’t give it to you. You can also bowl to him in the back yard, which means you get to spend more time together. It also means that he can slog you over the fence for a while, so he can finally be better at cricket than someone.

You know how people always say, “Oh, my little 2-year old was more interested in the paper and boxes than the toys!” Seriously, give the kid some boxes and paper. You CAN be that guy. Do it.


On the big day, make sure you have some ‘back up’ presents on hand, just in case some idiot and their cats drop by for a drink. Books you’ve read, DVDs you’ve watched and clothes you don’t want anymore are always good ideas. Wrap a few things on Christmas Eve just to be sure. NOTE: Make sure your unexpected X-mas well-wisher gives you a present first. You don’t want to give away your least favourite shit to a cheapskate, do you?