balls and stumps and stuff

There's been a fair bit said about the Aussie cricket team of late. Are they monkeys, are they arrogant, are they racist, do they show sportsmanship, are they all just a pack of wankers? Let's break it down, James Brown, and see what the survey says.

Matthew Hayden
Haydos is a unit, big and intimidating. He's often seen strolling down the pitch to club so called 'pace' bowlers back over their heads for another six. Haydos literally prays every time he goes to the wicket, so if you think you can get him out, you also have to contend with God. I reckon he's a bit of a tosser, personally, although since he's about 4 times bigger than me, I wouldn't say it to his face (unless I was pretty drunk). Apparently is the worst sledger in the team, repeating one bad phrase all day long. Will probably play for about another 50 years.
Wanker rating: 7
Cricket rating: 8

Phil Jacques
Jacques is a bit of a French name, and they're all wankers (not really). But Phil hasn't whored himself out to as many sponsorship deals as the rest of the team, probably due to the lack of a personality. Also drops a lot of catches, although is given the uneviable fielding position of bat-pad, which is basically sitting on the batsman's toe, waiting for him to belt it into you and hope like hell that the ball sticks. I watched this bloke doing his fielding warm-ups before the Sydney Test match, and trust me when I say that the term "throws like a pansy girl" is a compliment to him.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 5

Chris Rogers
Perth was Christopher's first crack at Test cricket, so well done you on making the team. Short-sighted and colourblind, how this guy ever became any good at cricket is beyond me. After seeing him play, it's yet to be determined if he is. I think he took a speccy catch somewhere along the line, but I may also be thinking of me. Wanker rating : Undetermined.
Cricket rating: 3

Ricky Ponting
Everyone loves Ponts, I think he's a tool. Just the way he is, rubs me up the wrong way, all Chipmunk-like. God he's annoying. And arrogant. And he almost lost the Sydney test due to terrible captaincy. And... god he just makes me so angry I can't talk about him.
Wanker rating: 10
Cricket rating: 7

Michael Clarke
Pup is supposed to be the next test captain. He'd want to buck up his ideas from this series if he still wants to take the most prized position in Australian sport. He might also want to learn how to catch, as no fewer that 12,000 chances have gone through his hands this summer. Batting had been a problem until the second innings in Perth too, which is a concern for one of the country's premier batsmen. Should concentrate on going back into the nets for a session or two instead of doing shithouse ads for KFC and whatever that Backyard Cricket thing is advertising. Idiot. Pick up your game, you skivvy-wearing knob-end.
Wanker rating: 7
Cricket rating: 6

Michael Hussey
I can't fault Huss, even when he gets out playing bad shots. He's just the best. Should probably avoid doing commercials with Pup though. I think he'd make a decent James Bond, or could possibly play Ken if the live-action Barbie movie ever gets underway.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 10

Andrew Symonds
Roy's had a lot of press lately, none of it to do with cricket. Looked disappointed to get out from a dubious decision in Perth, but should have thanked his lucky socks that no-one saw it fit to rule him out seventy-five times in Sydney. I'm still not sure if I really like him, but he's growing on me like a mole.
Wanker rating: 5
Cricket rating: 8

Adam Gilchrist
Not his greatest summer by far, but Gilly is still my most favourite person in the world. This might also be his last summer in the baggy green, so pay some respect to the great man. Did I ever mention that he waved to me a few years back? Yep. That's how tops he is. And to prove how tops I am, I waved back. It was probably the biggest highlight of his career.
Wanker rating: 1
Cricket rating: 12

Brad Hogg
I can't fault Hoggy at all. Yes, yes I can, and I will. George isn't the greatest bowler in the world, so trying to fill the void left by Mr SK Warne was always going to be an uphill struggle. Loads of character and a bowling face to rival Murali, he is never going to be a great Test bowler, but he'll do until someone else comes along. Hoggles also looks like he needs to pee when he walks. Trust me, check him out if he ever gets another game (Adelaide).
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 5

Brett Lee
Bing does keep getting better with age, like cheese or wine or leftover Chinese food. Can still crank his pace up to around 150kmh and maintain some semblance of control, so that's nice. Seems to have forgotten how to bat, but we'll forgive him for that. Doesn't seem to be doing as many shit ads as I thought he would, but might make an appearance on a bad Channel 7 Celebrity Singing/Dancing/Ice Skating spectacular (hosted by Darryl Somers) when his career is over. Bing's career, not Darryl's. Somer's career will never be over, unfortunately.
Wanker rating: 4
Cricket rating: 7

Mitchell Johnson
I don't mind the look of Johnsy, and if he can land the ball on the pitch a few more times in a game, he could prove to be a bit dangerous. Nice pace, can bowl for long spells and doesn't seem to be too much of a twat, but it's still early days. Is also the greatest batsman since Bradman, as his current average shows. 99. Yeah, bitches. Has officially replaced Nathan Brackan as my favourite left-arm pace bowler.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 7

Stuart Clark
I'm going to say it right now - Stuey Clark is super tops and I have a little man-crush on him. Has perfect control over his bowling and isn't afraid to swing the bat. Should be taking the new ball in every game he plays. Due to his lack of wankerness, he's probably alienated from the rest of the team a bit, but will no doubt have more friends after his career is over than the likes of, say, Ponting and Hayden.
Wanker rating: 0
Cricket rating: 9

Shaun Tait
The great white hope fails to deliver again. I picked Taiter as a bolter to make his mark on the international scene in 2005. Didn't quite go that well, but has since roughed up a few blokes on the pitch, so was given another shot at superstardom. Alas. Much touted as being the fastest bowler in history, he struggled to lift his pace above 130, and even then he flung down a trillion wides. Best moment of his career will be during the Perth test where he lost his run up after bowling a 9-ball over, screamed "FUCK" and went to hurl the ball at the batsman from behind the umpire anyway. Awesome. Nice going Shaun, but stick to Twenty20.
Wanker rating: 4
Cricket rating: 3


These guys are all paid an absolute motsa to do one thing: PLAY CRICKET. They should spend at least eight hours a day training for cricket, and I don't mean to go for a jog down to the shops to get some more Gatorade for an ad, or to swim the Pacific Ocean to get some KFC for an ad, or to bowl a Nissan Pajero at each other for an ad, I mean to pick up a bat and a ball and try to maim each other with them. Cause if these guys aren't tough enough to play the gentleman's game, they can piss off and get Andy Fucking Bichel and Jason Dizzy Gillespie back in. At least you know they'd give their all.