I don't understand how some ads are ever produced, or what possessed someone to think that whatever angle they were looking for was deemed funny, witty, unique or clever.
I've gone through about a thOUsand tv's in the past week due to punching the crap out of the screen in a Viking-like fury because of these ads. But it's been fun, and isn't that the main point?
AAMI
Why do all AAMI ads suddenly suck? Maybe they always have, and I just haven't realised. The current one that shits me is with the chick who is trying on rings in the jewellery shop, who just happens to have brought along a CD player with the Wedding March on it (or whatever it is, you know the one: Da na na na, da na na na, da na na na na na nananananana). She's after her boyfriend, Todd, to propose to her. What if poor Toddy can't afford it? Have no fear, it's AAMI to the rescue. By insuring your car with AAMI, you can save $230 or so.
Per year.
What a fucking crock of shit.
This chick would be SO pissed off if Todd gets down on one knee, looks into her eyes and opens that little velvet box to reveal... a $230 ring. She'd laugh at him and possibly kick him somewhere soft and precious. It's ok Todd, you won't be using them again anytime soon. That chick shits me.
Dominos Pizza
Dominos Pizza's latest advertising campaign is for their "all the way to the edge" pizza. For an extra $1, you get your pizza topping "all the way to the edge". No crust. So what exactly are you supposed to hold onto while you're eating this pizza? I'd rather be holding the crust than be elbow deep in grease and cheese, but maybe that's just me. And exactly how much extra topping would that account for? My guess is less than $1, considering there's about 30 cents worth on the rest of it.
While I'm talking about pizzas, why the hell is chicken on a pizza an extra $200 surcharge? Is there a sudden chicken crisis that I haven't heard about? Are their numbers dwindling? Not according to the Colonel, my friend. Not according to the Colonel. If I insure my car with AAMI, maybe I can afford three scraps of chook on my next Dominos special.
Coke
I'm not a fan of that Coke ("We're all in this together") ad either, and not only because that friggin song gets stuck in my head for months (and replaces the Prime Possum jingle), but because of the sickly sweet people featured in the commercial. The ad opens with an emo kid walking out of a shop and sitting next to a granny at a bus stop. The granny, seeing the smelly emo and deciding she wants nothing to do with his suicide attempt, stands to walk away. Emo offers her his Coke. She takes it, smiles and makes a new life-long friend.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
1. Apparently, the emo went into the shop just to buy a Coke to give it to the old duck. Normal people don't do this, so emos definitely wouldn't. I love the word 'emo'.
2. People, young or old, would never take anything handed to them by an emo.
3. An emo would never buy a Coke. Coke isn't black enough for them.
Coke ads have gone to shit, really. The one where everyone's dancing like they're tripping on acid sucks as well. Stupid Coke.
Anything with Ricky Ponting
Ricky Ponting annoys me at the best of times, but his latest forage into whoredom really tips me over the edge (or possibly "all the way to the edge" for another dollar). He's advertising "Swisse Multivitamins" or something equally as stupid, by comparing a typical day in the Ponting household as being a tough little work out. We see him sweeping the patio, throwing an apple core into the bin and putting some washing in the machine. SLOW DOWN, PONTS!!11!! You might hurt yourself there, tiger. Oh wait, you're taking vitamins. Well that's ok then. You might even be up to wiping down a countertop in the afternoon.
The worst thing about this ad (and pretty much every ad produced during Summer), is the use of terrible cricketing cliches, for which they seem quite proud of themselves.
Advertising Genius #1: "Hey lads, I think I've come up with a new angle for this vacuum cleaner ad - we could use a cricket player, and he can use some cricket-related buzzwords."
Advertising Genius #2: "That's brilliant. But didn't we do that last year?"
Advertising Genius #1: "Well yes, but last year we used Lleyton Hewitt and got him to use tennis-related buzzwords."
Advertising Genius #2: "Who?"
Advertising Genius #1: "Lleyton Hewitt. He's married to that chick who used to be in Home and Away."
Advertising Genius #2: "Oh yeah. I remember him. Worst campaign ever. All he did was yell 'c'mon!', something about dirt 'not being serious', and a rubbish line about 'jumping a net'. Are you sure this cricket one will work?"
Advertising Genius #1: "I guarantee it. Cricket and vacuums go together like a chicken surcharge on a pizza."
Without any further adieu, I present Mister Evil Breakfast's typical ad for a vacuum cleaner starring current Test captain (not for much longer) Ricky "Sellout" Ponting:
Ricky "I SUCK!" Ponting: "Sometimes finding time to play with my kids is like playing Warnie on a 5th day SCG pitch. Impossible, especially for me. But with the new Hoover Deluxe vacuum, I'm never 'out' of time. With increased suction power, it 'hits dirt for six' and is so powerful it can even suck up 'lost Ashes from 2005'. These vacuums will be going quicker than a Brett Lee yorker, so get into your nearest Hoover dealer before they 'run out'. You'll be 'stumped' by the price! Howzat!" Throw in a few shots of Ponts getting outplayed in the backyard by his 4-year old daughter, pretending that he doesn't earn $5 million a year and actually does some vacuuming and that's a wrap.
Ponting is also crap in his slot on the Valvoline ad. I smash my television every time that ad comes on. He should stick to licking windows and stop pissing me off so much.
FUCK IT. Ponting, you've made my crowbar list. AAAAAARGH!
Welcome to the list, Mr Ponting.
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