Click click click

This guy lives inside your computer.


It's a technical world we live in, with interwebs and digital phones and electricity and the wheel and all that. From a survey that I just conducted in my work building, 100% of people will encounter a computer during their day-to-day lives, whether at work, at home or when they're playing Nintendo whilst driving. In fact, if you're reading this, the chances are quite high that you're on a computer now, unless you've just jacked into the Matrix or something, and Tank has put the "Mister Evil Breakfast" program on instead of teaching you how to fly a helicopter or teach you how to do karate. That would suck, although my blog does give you advanced crowbar and pirating skills, so they might come in useful against Hugo Weaving at some stage.

Anyway, with all of these computer screens and infobytes of gigamation floating around the cybertron, it's almost inevitable that at one stage you will encounter some technical problems. Lucky for you, I am here to help.

MISTER EVIL BREAKFAST'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER PROBLEMS AND FUCKUPS AND SHIT (MEBGTCPAFUAS)

Problem 1: My computer is running slowly.

If your computer program is loading slowly, and the hourglass icon thing is taking for-fucking-ever to do whatever it does, you should idly swirl your mouse around. Make a big circle, and increase the speed in concentric circles. This should help to keep the computer 'thinking' about loading it, as the average computer has the attention span of the entire Big Brother cast, and occasionally needs to be given some guidance. If your computer is being a real shit about it, and the swirl doesn't help anything, physically lift your mouse off the desk or mousepad and repeatedly bash it down, followed by rapid clicking of the left and right mouse buttons.

If that sounds too technical, try this scenario: Pretend that you're in a bad movie, like Transformers, for instance. What a complete fucking waste of time that was. Nice to look at for about six seconds until you realise that you're not entirely sure who or what you're looking at. But it did look pretty. Anyway... your best friend is dying. Pretend that your computer program is your best friend. Pretend that your best friend has just been shot. At first, you're trying to comfort them (mouse swirl) and you're trying to keep their mind off the burning hot piece of metal that has lodged in their chest. As their health quickly deteriorates, you begin to panic, pleading with them "not to give up, and keep fighting" (mouse bash). With a gurgle and a dramatic piece of music, they die. You mourn the loss with anger - life is pretty unfair, really. You shout and swear at the body of your dead friend, curse the situation, and punch a wall before accepting the loss (mouse click). Before you know it, you'll have got revenge on whoever did it, found love and by the time you've finished paying respects at the gravesite, your program will have loaded.

I know it sounds complicated, but this should get you back on your feet, and your best friend won't even be mentioned in the sequel.

Problem 2: My computer isn't responding

This is a common problem, and often follows Problem 1 if the right steps aren't taken. Here's what to do:

Press the Enter key.

Nothing will happen. Be patient. Press Enter again, twice in succession. Pause for a moment. Press Enter a few more times (up to ten is helpful). Sit and stare dejectedly at your computer screen. Possibly close your eyes in a dramatic fashion and exhale loudly. Perhaps you could even scrunch your eyes up tight and rub your forehead - these are all helpful to getting your computer back up and running. If you have done all of these things, get up from your seat, take a few (no more than four) steps away from the screen. Make it look like you're determined to go somewhere. All of a sudden, turn and take two long, quick strides back to your computer (don't sit down, just crouch over it) and hit Enter again. Hard; really smash that fucker. Hit it (hard) again a few more times, and verbalise how you feel about your computer, but make sure your teeth are clenched. If the document you're working on is very important, you should also try to have a few flecks of spittle escape your angry lips onto the screen. It should have a rainbow effect, and will calm both you and your computer.

If it doesn't work, repeat these actions until it does. Note: It could take a while; one Microsoft Word user claimed that he repeated these steps for 3 days straight, then had to take shifts with his friends and family. After six weeks, two days, eight hours and nine minutes, his document was recovered. Turns out he hadn't really done that much work on it anyway, and everyone was pretty annoyed with him.

Problem 3: My screen is displaying a strange message

Occasionally, your computer will just get sick of you asking it to do things, and will turn the tables and ask you a question. If you aren't sure of the answer, you can just turn off your monitor and pretend that nothing has happened. However, this is only a stop-gap solution and you might want to use your computer again later on. In most questions that your computer will ask, there will be a YES, NO and CANCEL option. If you have no idea what the question means, there are simple ways to get around performing tasks that could be dangerous to the health of your computer. Click things very slowly, or press keys lightly, and most importantly - hold your breath. Don't make any sudden movements, or your computer will be startled and erase things that you need. Don't ask anyone else around you what the question means or what the consequences of hitting YES or NO would be - your computer will feel threatened by the new person and will shut itself down and all of your data will be eaten in self-preservation. Computers are ancient, instinctive creatures. Treat them like you'd treat a nest of scorpions in your underpants.

Problem 4: My computer isn't reheating my coffee

Try the microwave. If you don't own a microwave, you should just make yourself a new coffee.

Problem 5: My Sim keeps killing himself when I get him to change the lightbulb

Make him/her read a book on mechanics. Any Sim with a level 1 or 2 skill should be able to perform this task safely. If you're really paranoid, call a handyman to fix it.

Problem 6: My computer displays the following message:
NTLDR is Missing.
What can I do?

Fuck it, buy a new computer. When acronyms go missing in your hard drive, you will NOT be able to bring them back. This is why no-one uses DOS anymore. It just caused problems when the D wouldn't turn up, and when the O and the S had a falling out and wouldn't be seen with the other. It was messy.

Happy cyberspacing, my little pwnies!