does whatever a spider can

Welcome to Summer. Thanks for turning up. And so we have the age of barbecues, afternoon beers in the sun, swimming at the beach, pool, neighbour's pool, dam, lake, river or nappy bucket. The season where we all smell like SPF 30+, tan lines aren't just for truckers and our only wardrobe malfunction is when the rubber bit comes out of our thongs (that must sound funny for overseas readers. But that's your fault for not being Australian). Aerogard sales go up, dam levels go down. It's nature's see-saw.

And the bad part of summer? Spiders. I fucking hate spiders. They're everywhere you don't want them to be, like in the corners of your living room, on the wall above your bed, sitting inside your shower, on the windscreen of your car. And yes yes yes I know the majority of spiders can't really do too much damage to a person, even though this is Australia, the land where even rocks are poisonous, but there's something about spiders that I just don't trust.

It's definitely not natural for them to fart web that gets stuck every-friggin-where. There's one particularly nasty prick that puts a web in front of my car every day, and every day I walk through it (because I'm an idiot) and every day I'm worried that this stupid 8-legged freak has hitched a ride on me. Ever get spider web on your hand (and not in the "go web, go" sense)? Yeah, chances are it's still there twelve years later. And I honestly can't trust anything that hangs upside down on my roof for days. Blu-tac doesn't stick as well as spiders. But I think the main reason I don't dig spiders is because of the way that they move... it's not natural for something with eight legs to move the way they do.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, octopuses/pi have eight legs! Do you hate them too?!"

Yes.

But just not as much as I hate spiders. If an octopus decided to take up residence on the wall above the tv, I'd probably shit myself four times over. But they haven't, so I remain relatively poo-free. And giant squids take down killer whales. That's awesome. If a spider trapped, caught and ate a plane (doesn't even have to be a big one, it could snag a hang-glider for all I care), then I'd be impressed. I'm still waiting.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, you eat calamari!"

So what?

If a spider was any sort of good eating, I'd have a bite at it too. But since there hasn't been an explosion of places offering deep-fried huntsman with chilli and rock salt, I'll assume they suck as food the same way they suck as being useful pieces of the world.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, they're too small too eat LOL!!11"

According to a statistic that I just made up, there are around 120 000 spiders in a typical suburban neighbourhood. Mash a few hundred together and you'd have a decent plate of legs there. Since no-one has, I'll just assume they don't make good eating, which is another reason not to have them around.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, they kill flies!"

So does fly spray. And fly spray also kills spiders. Seriously, do we need spiders now that we have fly spray? The answer, friends, is no. My house is currently crawling with all sorts of flying bugs, you name it, moths and mozzies and weird giant bugs with humungous antennaes, and it's also home to the largest spiders this side of the Amazon, and they actually seem to be co-operating to piss me off. So spiders have officially become useless.

So whether you choose to whack them, spray them, wash them down the plughole (keep the water running, or they'll crawl back up), just make sure they're dead.

Enjoy your summer!