NRL Round 12: Underneath the Bunker

During the coronavirus break in this year's season, it was decided that to limit the risk of COVID transmission, the number of fun police (the referees) would be halved, and the two-ref system would be scrapped in favour of having just the one whistleblower on the field.  Obviously it's the refs who are responsible for spreading the plague, not the 34 other blokes wrestling with each other in the mud.

The NRL also announced that they were pumping a couple of million dollars into improving the "Video Referee Bunker", which is basically just a fancy name for "video ref", who is invariably called on every six minutes to make sure that every player and their mums on every play in every game ever has adhered to the NRL rulebook, the Bible, the Quran, The Game, The Ring, and The HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  Everyone thought that improving the video referee would be a good idea; let's get some fucking NASA technology, a continuum transfunctioner, and a flux capacitor to determine angles and velocity and a fucking slow-motion button. 

In hindsight, $2 million does seem like a lot of money to spend on improving a plasma tv and a remote control, doesn't it?  I bet the rest of the money went to ensuring that the Trbojevic breeding program continued, or the Jack Bird RoboCop rehabilitation centre or something.

And the improvements have not really been evident this year; the video ref still uses the same television replays that we had before, the same cameras and microphones, the same red and green buttons.  The only discernible difference is the name "video ref" has been changed to "the bunker", which may have cost $500,000 on its own.  The rest of the cash was probably spent on a comfy couch and a fooseball table, as well as those really expensive crackers that they have next to the deli at Coles and those dips that are like $5 each and are also pretty good.

$2 million and they still can't tell the difference between Josh Morris or Brett Morris.  Fuck it, they can't even tell the difference between Maika Sivo and Junior Paulo.

Round 12:

St George Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Bunnies have been looking pretty good this year, until they actually get within sniffing distance of the tryline, and then they forget who they are and what they're doing. Don't be surprised to see Cody Walker start patting his pockets to try to work out where he put his car keys whenever they get close to scoring. Silly Cody, they're on the little side table next to the front door.

Wests Tigers vs NZ Warriors

The Kiwis shocked everyone by coming within a bee's dick of upsetting the Roosters last week.  They didn't, but at least they came close.  The Tigers are about to embark on a really testing leg of their season where they play the entire top-eight of the ladder in succession, so they will need some momentum, confidence and at least one hobbit from this game.

Brisbane Broncos vs Cronulla Sharks

Oh you Broncos.  The best part of the NRL is their obsession with giving Brissy every fucking free-to-air game available, so we can watch their official decline into Shitsville (Logan) in real-time.  The Sharks are specialists at playing well against the good sides and falling into a heap against the teams they are expected to beat.  As a result, they will probably win by only 30 points.

Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans

The Titans will be full of confidence with a couple of mid-week high-profile signings.  Unfortunately, they are for next year and it won't really mean anything for the current team.  Sucked in, losers.

North Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO

The Raiders are flying high after some tough-as-fuck games in recent weeks, and despite a rising injury list, have seemingly righted their sinking ship.  This will be a tough game, as they don't have a great track record against the Cowboys, especially in Queensland, but even more alarming is that they've named Curtis Scott in the team again. 

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers

Oh fuck I don't know.  The Panthers have been playing okay recently, nothing to write home about though.  "Dear mum, Hope you are well.  We played footy tonight, it was ok.  Love Nathan"  Meanwhile, the Sea Eagles are providing up and downs like a yo yo on a bungee cord stapled to a see-saw.  I'll tip the Choccy Soldiers, but only because I like the term "Choccy Soldiers" even though it's hardly relevant anymore.  Choccy Soldiers.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Parramatta Eels

The Bulldogs will be praying for rain again, as they showed up a rusty Knights team last weekend.  This one could be played under water and I don't think it would make a difference though.

Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

Should be a foregone conclusion based on recent form, ladder position, players, injuries, weather conditions, haircuts, tattoos, coaches, uniforms, mascots and facial hair.  Cam Munster and Ryan Papenhauzen win most of those by themselves anyway.

Fun fact: Blake Ferguson can smell around corners

NRL 2020, Round 11: Celery Cap

It's always nice to hear an underdog story about overcoming the odds to succeed in life.  This week, we have a double underdog story involving those lovable larrikins the Sydney Roosters and that down-on-his-luck scamp, Sonny Bill.

During the week, the English Super League announced that their very expensive foray into North American rugby league, the Toronto Wolfpack, was pulling out of the competition, citing travel issues, COVID isolation restrictions, and the fact that they really just couldn't be fucked playing this year.  I can attest to that.  I haven't got out of my tracky daks in about three months.

Usually the collapse of a competition on the other side of the planet doesn't really affect the NRL at all, but this one has opened up an opportunity for the former NRL players who had signed onto the Super League to rejoin the Australian competition.  Normally we would welcome Josh McCrone home with open arms and a shotgun, but the player causing most of the ruckus so far is Sonny Bill Williams.

Sonny Bill was an elite player, back in the day.  He is a fair fucking unit of a bloke, just quietly, and I probably wouldn't try to fight him unless I'd had about thirteen pints beforehand.  He played for the Canterbury Bulldogs from 2004 til 2008, before fucking off to France to play a few seasons of kick & clap rugby union - obviously he was a great team player with pride in his jersey as he played for Toulon before heading back to New Zealand to play for Canterbury, then to the Crusaders, the Chiefs and a stint in Japanese rugby with the Panasonic Knights, before receiving a "handshake deal" and about sixty paper bags filled with money to rejoin the NRL and play for the Roosters in 2013.  Then he fucked off again to play for Counties Manukau, back to the Chiefs, had a giggle in Rugby 7s, then signed on (for what it's worth) to the Blues, before he decided to add another twelve pools to his house with the Toronto deal.

Now he wants to come back, and fuck me drunk, the Roosters have announced that they have room in their salary cap to sign him for the second half of this season.

The Roosters.  Room.  Salary cap.  Sonny Bill.

Announced.  In.  Sign.  They.  This.

Despite a roster with 12 out of 17 starting spots occupied by former or current representative players (with at least three others only missing out due to injury), the Roosters somehow have room to continue to sign the best players on the planet, which is lucky for the obviously-struggling club as they attempt a rare three-premiership-wins in a row this year.

We can only hope that the Sonny Bill deal goes ahead, he's about as shit as a 35-year old who's been playing union for the last decade in between beating up older, fatter guys as a heavyweight boxer, can possibly be. 

Round 11

Parramatta Eels vs Wests Tigers

The Tigers went on Twitter to have a chatter about Ryan Matterson,

said "doesn't matter, son, we're not all that bitter, son,
you natter that the betting is much better at Parramatta."
Now he's fitter and he's better, standing next to King Clint Gutherson.

North Queensland Cowboys vs Manly Sea Eagles

Coach Paul Green given his pink slip
and now he's looking kind of blue.
Caught red-handed, in black and white
Fed by silver spoon.
No rose-coloured glasses, or shades of grey
for the yellow-bellied Cows
True colours shine or white flags out for new coach Josh Hannay.

Brisbane Broncos vs Melbourne Storm

From a five year plan to a five game deal
To save the Broncos' game
He's switching 1s and 2s and 5s
But the results are all the same.
Can Siebold pluck a winner
from the mighty Melbourne Storm?
Fuck no.  Not likely.  Snowball's chance.
At least til Boyd is gone.

New Zealand Warriors vs St George Dragons

Warriors are worriers there's no worries there to see
But there's worries that the Warriors can get worse from week to week
We wonder if the Warriors will worry any team
Or if the worst and waning Warriors will wake and Mary weep?

Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

No one gave the Raiders even a snifter of a chance
to win the weekend's rematch of last year's biggest dance
With Bateman gone and Hodgson's knee inverted on itself
The Green Machine gave everything & left nothing on the shelf.

This week's a different story, although the injury list keeps growing
Scott is out, the Horse no good, Oldfield's done a hamstring
So the men in green bring out a team that needs some introduction
Who's Kai O'Donnell, Tom Starling, not to mention Ryan Sutton?

A new backline with Semi Valemei and Smith-Shields in the game
In-form Jack Wighton, Jarrod Croker, and Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad coming of age,
The only reason I started this verse was so I could try the following line:
Valemei and CNK join up for a Semi-Charnze kind of life.

Newcastle Knights vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Well the Dogs look like they've wrapped up the spoon
with still half the year to go
It reminds me of the Knights' season
not even too long ago.

The Dogs seemed set to buck the trend
After pushing the Saints to the limits
But still lost last week in an unloseable way
only playing for 79 minutes.

The Knights will push to cement their spot
and the Bulldogs aren't much of a test
The Knights just need Ponga to fire again,
and to get Bradman back to his Best.

Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers

I'm envisaging a bloodbath
within the sacred C-bus lines
the best I think we can hope for
is to say that "at least Gold Coast tried."

"They played for eighty minutes
and played through the game with pride!
They played their fucken guts out."
Alas, the Gold Coast died.

There's an illegal tackle in here somewhere

NRL 2020 Round 10: David vs Gol(dCoast)iath

Every so often, a player comes along who threatens to be "bigger than the game", and I'm not talking about George Rose or Dave Taylor.  I mean players who are apparently so disgustingly talented that it's almost unfair for them to play against the other regular run-of-the-mill professional athletes involved in the game, and should be on a pay scale of a million billion dollars to keep them here to entertain us instead of going to some other planet to compete in an unnamed competition against other superheroes.  Past NRL players who have worn the "Bigger than the Game" moniker include Greg Inglis and Jarryd Hayne, two outstanding individuals whose athleticism definitely stood the test of time and everyone really enjoyed having them around instead of deflecting meteors with Thor or something.

The latest demi-god to grace us with his presence for 80 minutes a week before heading off to ensure the safety of the universe is Brisbane forward David Fifita, who is currently in negotiations for the next few years of his contract, and is currently in line to become the highest paid player in the game at the age of 20.  If Twitter is to be believed, and I'm not sure why anyone would doubt its 280 character-per-tweet wisdom, Fifi is looking to join the Gold Coast Titans for the 2021 season at the budget price of $1.25 million, before heading back to Brissy in 2022 to continue printing money.

Nice work if you can get it, David, especially considering that you haven't played a fucking game since Round 2.  Round fucking Two.  That's before the COVID break, and before he underwent knee surgery.  It's one thing to be asking for more money than anyone else in the game, another thing to do it less than two seasons into your career, an entirely other thing to do before your 21st birthday, and a whole other kettle of fish to do it from your fucking hospital bed following knee surgery.

We can only hope that the Titans have learned their lesson from the last time they tried to get their suntan-lotion-covered hands on a player "bigger than the game" and will avoid paying a stupid amount for Fifita for just a 12-month contract.  It's not enough time for the team to recruit players around him, for him to grasp the existing plays, learn the players names, find a new cocaine dealer, alert him to which bouncers you can and cannot punch on with (note: none of them, David), or find a house big enough to fit all of his dumptrucks full of money. 

But if the Titans do sign him... well, there's about 15% of the salary cap right there in one player, receiving shit passes from Ash Taylor, getting shit offloads from Kevin Proctor, covering shit missed tackled from Bryce Cartwright & carrying shit Shannon Boyd around the field Weekend at Bernie's style.  And then what?  He fucks off back to Brisbane leaving a trail of money and a still-broken Titans team in his wake, who now have to replace their forward pack again. 

The Gold Coast management should talk to the North Queensland Cowboys about how much of a fucking great investment Valentine Holmes was, as he limped back from (strangely) not being very good at American Football, despite putting in several hours on the Playstation, landing broken-ankle first in a swimming pool of hopes, dreams, money and a million NRL fans remembering "when Val Holmes was good for a year." 

Players like Valentine Holmes, Hayne, maybe even Kalyn Ponga and Fifita is like when you think you really want something and then you buy it but it doesn't really do what you want it to and you feel a bit stupid for buying it in the first place so you just put it in the cupboard in the back room so your friends don't see it and ask you "why did you buy that expensive and flashy but ultimately useless item?" and it makes you feel bad for spending a lot of money on something that you realise you don't even like and possibly never did in the first place but you read somewhere that it was good and its value would definitely increase over time and soon everyone would want one but that never happened and you've only just realised that the article was an ad anyway.

In other news, we bid farewell to Dean Pay, who resigned as coach of the Canterbury Bulldogs this week.  Dean went to the unprecedented lengths to support his team by undergoing several cosmetic surgeries to actually look more like a Bulldog.  Unfortunately, losing to Brisbane was probably the nail in the coffin, and the Archbishop of Canterbury took Dean to the vet and put him out of his suffering once and for all.  You were a good boy, Dean.  You probably deserved better.

Who's a good boy, then?  Not you, Dean.

Round 10

Sydney Roosters vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO

In good news for the Raiders, Curtis Scott has been ruled out of their squad with some kind of arm infection that I can only imagine is coronavirus-related, and therefore he should be set on fire and catapulted into the sun.  In his place comes Semi Valemai, who I can only imagine was picked because of the success of the last bloke called Semi who played NRL.
I love my Green Machine, but I'm not sure if the Raiders are going to be able to match it with the Chooks for this one, and I think an 8-point defecit will blow out to at least 16 points in the last ten minutes.

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

Remember when the Titans beat the Storm back in 2017?  What a mind fuck.  But I think we can all be pretty confident that that won't happen again.  This one might get pretty messy for the Goldies, I reckon.  People may die.  Lots of people. 

Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos

If any team can keep the Broncos Shitwagon rolling, it's the Tiges, whose coach Madge "I just realised I don't actually know his real name, but it's probably Michael" McGuire has wielded the axe over the underperforming team and has beheaded halfback Luke Brooks to try to scare the shit out of the rest of the team to lift their game.  Either that, or he's just deadset keen on ensuring that Wests finish 9th, as is tradition.  The Broncos are all thanking their lucky stars over another round of margaritas and Winnie Blues that Madge isn't anywhere near Brisbane, or they'd all be fucked.

St George Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Well fuck me if the Drags didn't turn up last week.  Let's see if they can make it two in a row against one of the worst teams in the comp (sorry Doggies).  To put the Dogs' season in perspective, their leading try scorer for the year is Kieran Foran, with two. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Newcastle Knights

Oh fuck, I don't know.  Every time I call Souths unconvincing, they unconvincingly win.  Fuck it, I'm just going to go with Newy, despite them seeming to be a whole lot worse than I am giving them credit for.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Parramatta Eels

Last week didn't quite go to plan for Manly, unless their plan was to "roll around in their own shit for a while".  What a debacle that was.  Meanwhile, Parra flexed their defensive muscle, and snuck home for a sneaky win very sneakily indeed. I think they may be a bit more boisterous about it this week.

NZ Warriors vs Cronulla Sharks

I'm tipping Cronulla, but let the record state that I am not happy about it.

Penrith Panthers vs North QLD Cowboys

Yeah nah, sorry Cows.  This one is going to hurt, I'm afraid.  Penrith are doing all the right things at the moment, like winning and stuff, whereas the Cowboys just aren't.  Maybe they should try winning?  I might write to Paul Green and let him know.

NRL 2020 Round 9: How Good is Your Team?

As we creep up on the mid-way point of the NRL season like Jayden Okunbor creeps around on high school girls' Instagram accounts, we can see a pretty clear divide between the Contenders, the Pretenders and the Fucken Useless Bunch of Overpaid Fucks Who Couldn't Fucken Win a Fucken Raffle Even If They'd Bought All the Fucken Tickets, the Stupid Fucks.

Despite not actually sitting on top of the premiership ladder currently, the Sydney Fucking Roosters sit on top of the "yeah, we'll probably win this thing again" list like the smug, cheating fucks that they are.  I don't care how many times they have defended their playing roster, there is no fucking way on Brett Mullins' lime-green earth that a team can be so stacked with talent and remain compatible with salary cap restrictions.  Boyd Cordner's personal CAT-scan team and James Tedesco's new teeth should account for at least 80% of that anyway.  I haven't seen such blatant rorting of the system since the Raiders in the mid-90s.  How good was that team, just quietly?  

The Parramatta Eels were seen as a considerable force to be reckoned with (again) this year, but the difference is that so far they are actually living up to expectations.  Despite having a team with no recognised superduper stars, they are working like a Swiss clock, but instead of keeping meticulous time through an intricate system of cogs, they're fucking destroying cunts all over the place.  The only issue for the Eels' long-term success this year will be if Michael Jennings' dementia kicks in again and he reverts back to the useless fucking centre that we all know he really is; or if Jai Field has to go on Year 10 camp later in the year.  

The Storm are always fucking there or thereabouts, aren't they?  I'm actually getting a bit sick of complaining about them and their ongoing success, both on the field and their stranglehold over the Pacific islands, and it also makes them a formidable opponent in the NRL version of Guess Who?

"Is your mystery player a giant fuck-off Islander?"
"Yes."

  

The Panthers are the surprise packet this year, and have managed to even surprise themselves to the tune of sitting pretty in second place, and receive my Big Brother nomination for eviction for "flying under the radar" and "not being themselves" and also "not being here for the right reasons."  It's not often that a team with so little talent can find themselves doing so well, so congratulations to them.  Despite their current position, I just can't see them following through in the second half of the year, which is both sad and completely expected and therefore really very satisfying indeed.

The Knights and the Raiders were both pegged for having big seasons, but Newcastle have proven themselves to be completely useless when faced with an opposition who are much, much worse than them, and Canberra seemingly entered the year with the expectation that everyone would just let them back into the Grand Final because they're lovable scamps.  Unfortunately, a scamp is only lovable when you're not expecting them to do well, otherwise they turn into grubs and no one likes them anymore.  

Souths, Manly, Cronulla and the Tigers are now just competing to be fodder for the first week of finals, with the Tigers most likely to miss out and finish 9th for a record 200th year straight.  The Sea Chickens and the Guppies have been hit hard by injuries this year... again... and this will probably form the majority of their "why we didn't win again this year" response come September.  Maybe if they stop recruiting players with osteoporosis, they'd do better.  The Rabbitohs began the year with a decree of mediocrity that developed into ordinariness, and are likely to continue their plane of indifference and unremarkable performances until we completely forget they were even here in the first place.  Latrell Who?

The bottom group of the Cowboys, Bulldogs, Titans, Warriors and Dragons are just there to piss off the better teams by having to play them for the next ten weeks or so.  There's nothing like coming off a 40-point win against the Bulldogs in Round 16 with a good points differential and three players with ruptured ACLs and a dislocated shoulder.  The only really interesting bit about the shit-tier teams is that they basically form their own little competition to try to avoid coming dead-fucking-last in a bid to escape collecting the dreaded Wooden Spoon.

Finally, we have the Broncos, who have attracted their fair share of media attention over the past few months due to their shambolic performances, terrible attitudes, lack of commitment, no cohesion, poor communication, shithouse efforts and, in turn, a complete absence of competition points.  In the last twenty minutes of their games, the Broncos have scored a total of four points, and let in 84.  That's actually a real stat and not one that I just made up, so I'm going to end this paragraph there so you know just how serious I am about the Broncos being just so fucking terrible at everything they do, including their jerseys and haircuts, which are also really bad.  Look at Turpin, what the fuck do you ask for at the hairdressers to get that sort of shit?

The classic 'short front and sides' haircut taking prisons and Centrelink queues by storm

Round 9

North Queensland Cowboys vs Sydney Roosters

The only thing that could save the Cows this week is if the Chooks are so knackered from their hit out against the Storm last week that they won't be able to get up for another game.  Unfortunately for the Queensland lads, they've had a whole week to recover, and if you can't play for 80 minutes a week later, you probably should be looking at a new profession that doesn't involve moving.  My job, for example.  It's actually pretty sweet.

Gold Coast Titans vs New Zealand Warriors

Buoyed by their unlikely win last week, is it too much to consider that the Warriors will take home another victory?  Probably.  It's also just as likely that the Titans will win, or both teams will lose, or a small dog will wander onto the field and neither team will be able to catch it, and then the small dog will be declared the winner.  

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Wests Tigers

The Tigers played with a whole lot of heart last week and came up empty-handed (except for Leilua, who still has Dylan Edwards' head in his possession), while the Bunnies played with no heart, no skill, no intensity and the very barest of effort and still managed to win quite convincingly on the scoreboard.  I don't think they'll be able to get away with that two weeks in a row, so I'm gonna chalk this one up for the Kitty Cats.

Cronulla Sharks vs Penrith Panthers

You'll never believe what happened last week, guys - Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan both got injured.  Why am I not surprised?  I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die from not-surprise.  The good news is that Shaun Johnson's face came through the game unscathed (phew).  My tip is that Penrith will be too good, but just not as handsome, but when you have munters like James Tamou running around, you have to expect that.

Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs

For the sake of keeping the Broncos' losing streak going, I will continue to tip them.  Brissy coach Anthony "Big Changes Are Coming" Siebold threatened to make "Big Changes" to the struggling team and then revealed that "No Changes" were actually made from the team that lost to New Zealand last week.  So I guess that's something.  Will this coaching masterstroke pay off?  Only time will tell.

Canberra Raiders WOO vs Melbourne Storm

The mighty Green Machine limped home with a broken face last week and didn't prove a whole lot to anyone doubting their premiership credentials, while the Storm impressed with a hard-fought win in a very entertaining see-sawing match that was won and lost five times in the last ten minutes.  This weekend is the first of four tough-as-fuck rounds for Canberra, after which they will be proudly stapled deep in the top four, dating supermodels with the Roosters, or fucked off to the bottom of the shit heap, swapping Tazos and smoking durries in the Maccas carpark with the Dragons.    

Newcastle Knights vs Parramatta Eels

Phroar, how good were the Eels last week?  Plenty fucken good, that's how.  They put the Cowboys away without resorting to touch-football tactics and flashiness; they just stuck to their lines, ran effective patterns, supported the ball carrier, kept the ball away from Blake Ferguson and lobbed it to Maika Sivo whenever they wanted to watch Kyle Feldt shit himself on the field.  Four times, for the record.  The Knights scraped through against a determined Manly; they'll have to perform a lot better and pay the refs a lot more if they want to notch up a win here though.

St George Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

There's nothing like ending the round with a game of dross nonsense, and so here we are.  I have to give credit where it's due, and Des Hasler has done an amazing job at Manly for the last few seasons - he has dealt with off-field indiscretions, injuries, retirements, the fact that he's still at fucking Manly, that he's still rocking a mullet, and yet is still able to rile his team up for a match even when their season is looking a bit rocky.  Credit also to his St George counterpart, and it's nice to see that Paul McGregor is still alive, allegedly.

NRL 2020 Round 8:Choose Life

Sick Boy:  It's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.

Renton:  What do you mean?
Sick Boy:  Well, at one time, you've got it, and then you lose it, and it's gone forever. All walks of life: George Best, for example. Had it, lost it. Or David Bowie, or Lou Reed...
Renton:  Lou Reed, some of his solo stuff's not bad.
Sick Boy: No, it's not bad, but it's not great either. And in your heart you kind of know that although it sounds all right, it's actually just... shite.
Renton: So who else?
Sick Boy: Charlie Nicholas, David Niven, Malcolm McLaren, Elvis Presley...
Renton: OK, OK, so what's the point you're trying to make?
Sick Boy: All I'm trying to do, Mark, is help you understand that The Name of The Rose is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory.
Renton: What about The Untouchables?
Sick Boy: I don't rate that at all.
Renton: Despite the Academy Award?
Sick Boy: That means fuck all. The sympathy vote.
Renton: Right. So we all get old and then we can't hack it anymore. Is that it?
Sick Boy: Yeah.
Renton: That's your theory?
Sick Boy: Yeah. Beautifully fucking illustrated.

As we settle back in for another weekend of NRL action, this particular scene from the film Trainspotting comes to mind, as Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor, who is currently sitting at #4 on the list of "blokes I'd probably have sex with", just in case the question "who's a bloke that you reckon Mister Evil Breakfast would have sex with" comes up at your next trivia night), and Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller, who was actually married to Angelina Jolie at one point - put that in your brain for the next time you're at a trivia night and the question "who used to be married to Angelina Jolie and isn't Brad Pitt or Billie Bob Thornton?") (it helps if your local trivia nights have very specific questions, by the way), discuss the theory of diminishing relevance over time, right before they shoot a pitbull in the balls with a BB gun.  

So let's have a look at the competition as it stands, and see who makes my Sick Boy list:

Bulldogs:
It's hard to "lose it" when you have never "had it" or even really know what "it" is anymore. 

Broncos:
I could probably name all 13 players, if I had to be honest.  Maybe except for that Haas bloke, cos he'd fucken thump me if he ever found me.  The most obvious ones are Milford and Darius Boyd, and I'm not scared to lump shit on either of them because I don't think they could thump anyone anymore.

Warriors:
Poor Warriors.  They've been kept away from their homes and families, lost their coach, have officially run out of players and are actually "borrowing" fringe first-graders from other teams until COVID restrictions are lifted, which means that I might even get a run with them, probably around week 12, I reckon. 

Titans:
Oh Jesus, where to start?  The Titans threw all of their cash at Ash Taylor a few years back, in the hope that he would develop into a player they could build a team around.  That didn't work out the way they wanted (unless building a team of numpties was the intended result), so they threw some money at Bryce Cartwright, who suddenly forgot how to tackle.  Then they picked Shannon Boyd, the biggest bloke they could find, whose only weaknesses were running and tackling, but that didn't work either.  To sum up, the Titans management are probably to blame here.
 
St George:
The obvious target here is Ben Hunt, but I think most of the Dragons' problems are with Corey Norman, who must have pictures of coach Paul McGregor in fairly compromising positions.  For all of our sakes, I hope he keeps them to himself.  Mary's not in such good shape any more... but I'd probably rather have him playing than Norman.

Sharks:
Matt Moylan.  Easy.  Shaun Johnson is probably close, but he's way too attractive to blame for this mess (note: he doesn't make an appearance on my list of blokes I'd have sex with, but does get an honorable mention).

Cowboys:
Fucken coach Paul Green.  The Cows have been in struggletown this year, and he seems pretty clueless about what to do about it, which is not really ideal for a coach.

Rabbitohs:

Last week, Latrell Mitchell put in a performance that had pundits everywhere wondering if he was underperforming so badly that ASADA wouldn't even bother checking his wee for peptides ("anyone who drops the ball six times in one game couldn't possibly be on drugs"), or calling for an investigation into his Sportsbet account (Latrell to drop the ball five or more times and make negative metres for his team was paying out handsomely, I would assume).  Mitchell came into the game as a 19-year old prodigy - big, fast, strong; he could run, tackle, kick, pass, fend, block, catch, punch on, elbow, knee, kick, spit and get on the piss with the best of the league.  Four years on, the perennial 19-year old is fumbling and bumbling his way into every "fuck, that guy should have been great" list that every bloke at the bar has. 

Manly:
I don't hate Manly the way I should anymore, and it just feels wrong.  So fuck Dylan Walker; it's not that he was even ever that good, or is even really that bad, I just fucken hate him.

Raiders:
We were afraid that when the season started and Charnze Nikoll-Klokstad cut off his dreads that his powers had also been chopped, but his last few games have been very much improved.  Jordan Rapana gets to be on my shit-list this week, for being a deadset fucken grub, and has lost so much pace this year that he's probably on the "hey Warriors, you want this guy" list.

Tigers:
Well, according to coach Michael McGuire, Benji Marshall is as useless as tits on a bull, despite leading the Dally M competition at the time of his sacking.  Benji has been shit in defense this year, granted, but no one seems to remember him being shit in defense for the past 17 years too.

Knights:
Mitchell Pearce strikes me as a bit of a dickhead, and I don't rate him much as a player either; I'm never convinced that the good things he does were actually deliberate, or if he's just really, really lucky. 

Storm:
I forgot how many fucken teams there were when I started writing this, and I'm regretting it, but I couldn't be fucked deleting it and trying to find some other shit to write about this week.  Fuck the Storm, all of them, and mainly Cameron Munster.

Roosters:
I have actually never really understood Boyd Coydner, which brings the number of Boyds in this list to three, I think.  He just kind of ambles around the field, flopping on tackles and waving his arms around a bit. 

Panthers:
Josh Mansour is a shadow of his former self, but we can blame Josh Dugan on that one.  Is it weird that a player competing for Dugan's position on his first international representative tour had his leg snapped in half during a training drill?  I don't need evidence, that man is guilty. 

Parramatta:
Parra are doing really well this year, and are very solid across the board... Blake Ferguson is a standout for being a bit shit though, and his mistakes and grubby nonsense are exacerbated by the bigger, faster, better winger on the other side of the field.  Sucked in, Fergo, you fucken hack.

Yeah get fucked, the lot of you

Round 8

Melbourne Storm vs Sydney Roosters

Both teams are missing some strike players, and the Chooks certainly did look shithouse when they had to do without a couple of their big hitters.  The Storm are without Munster, which can only open up a few other playmaking options for them, the big fucken hog.  I like the Storm here, based almost purely on my hatred for Cameron Munster.

Canberra Raiders woo vs St George Dragons

Canberra did their best to right their wonky ship last week, but still came second.  The Dragons rallied against the defending premiers, but their gameplan of "hope that everyone playing against us gets injured" was only halfway successful.  As long as the Raiders can keep their lollies in the pram, they'll come away easy winners this week.  

Parramatta Eels vs North Queensland Cowboys

Can't go past a Parra win here, even without playmaker Mitch Moses, and despite the Cows getting a comprehensive win in last week.  Note to self: come up with hilarious and witty observation before posting this hurriedly and most likely without reading it back to yourself.

Gold Coast Titans vs Cronulla Sharks

Well this game will be a thrillhouse from the first kick-off to the final siren.  I'm tingling already.  I'm imagining that both teams will wake up on Saturday and not want to go to work, and they'll call their coach and say, "yeah nah, not feeling great today, don't think I'll make it in" and the coach will be all "yeah nah, me either hey" and he'll call the ref and the ref will say, "yeah nah, don't worry about it, no one will notice" and they'll just put on highlights from the Australia vs West Indies cricket match from the 1992 World Cup instead, and everyone will be happy.  

New Zealand Warriors vs Brisbane Broncos

Brisbane coach Anthony Siebold succumbed to growing pressure on his struggling team and has wielded the axe, by putting winger Corey Oates on the bench.  Strong flex, Siebs.  Obviously it's your left wing that is letting in 30 points a game.  If it's possible for a team to finish with minus points, this is the game that will do it.

Wests Tigers vs Penrith Panthers

You know it's going to be a good game when the lead-up to the game is on what kind of band-aid Nathan Cleary is going to use on his gigantic head to cover up what Freddy Fittler could only describe as an "infection on his face".  

Manly Sea Eagles vs Newcastle Knights

Newy will hopefully come back from last week's shock loss with a bit more vigor than they showed against the Cows, who exposed Mitchell Pearce's shitness and the Knights' over-reliance on Kalyn Ponga to do, well, pretty much everything.  Manly got done over by the Sharkies last week, which I can only assume is a sign of things to come, at least until the paper-mache holding Tommy Turbo together dries.  

Canterbury Bulldogs vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Sometimes, teams purely exist just so they can get another team back into form.  The Bulldogs are that team right now.  They are here just so the Rabbitohs' players can remember how to break tackles, take intercepts, throw offloads, score tries, smash people & win games.  Thanks Doggies, you're doing great work.

There's nothing condescending about a 47 year old man telling you that you're not that shit after he puts 50 points on you.