NRL 2018 - Round 25

Lucky last regular round of the season.  For half of the competition teams, it means they get to start their summer holidays early, like when you were in high school and you finished your exams before your friends because you did useful subjects like drama and art, while they had to study for an extra week for that precious "English" grade, as if their going to use that ever.

Big news in the league this week is that Cronulla have cheated the salary cap. This is such a huge shock to me - I wouldn't have thought that a team who had previously used illegal performance-enhancing drugs would be involved in such a scandal, especially if that team had ten representative players.

Round 25

Operation “Get Manly the Wooden Spoon” has not been entirely successful.  In order for the Sea Eagles to claim their inaugural last-placed award, the Broncos will have to smash the absolute fuck out of Manly (just for good measure), and the current last-placed team, the Parramatta Eels, will have to defeat the second-placed Roosters by at least 52 points. 

It’s not looking good.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Wests Tigers

As the old saying goes, "Beware the team with nothing to lose". The Bunnies would normally piss this one in, but their recent form has been shithouse and I wouldn't be surprised if they manage to fuck up the unfuckupabble.

NZ Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Some would say that the Raiders are at that stage of the season where they are completely indestructible, others would say that the Raiders are heading to New Zealand with the full intention to get on the piss, get loose AF, get some tribal face tattoos and fuck a sheep.  Footy will come a distant second to some off-field hijinx.

Melbourne Storm vs Penrith Panthers

Melbourne could wrap up the minor premiership with a win, and it couldn't come against a team looking more lost than the Panthers. Even Billy Slater couldn't be fucked turning up to farewell his fan for his final home regular-round game.

Newcastle Knights vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Alright, let's give the Dragons one last victory for nostalgic purposes, then they can make like a censor and get the fuck out of there. My prediction last week about Ben Hunt regaining form may not have been entire accurate.

Gold Coast Titans vs North Queensland Cowboys

The Johnathan Thurston jerk-off tour continues, and I wouldn't put it past the Titans to ruin his send-off appearance. The Cows might have saved their best for last week, and no one is ever sure what the Titans' best actually is.

Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters

It's clear that teams have figured out the way to beat the Roosters.  No expansive play, get your completions near 90%, take every penalty kick you are given and attack the wings and hope for a Tupou or Ferguson error to give you a try. Cowboys, Raiders and the Broncos all did it, but I'm not convinced that anyone at Parra was paying attention.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Cronulla Sharks

Will a tumultuous week put the Sharks off their gold-laced steroids enough for the Doggies to upset them? Probably not. Still, wouldn't mind seeing everybody's new hero Reimus Smith run past Val Holmes for a try or two.

Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles

How sad is it that the Broncos are currently the form team in the NRL? Trust me, it's sad. How the fuck did that happen? A team with Boyd, Milford, Thaiday and Kahu shouldn't even be legal. I blame the rest of the NRL for allowing this to happen.

NRL 2018 - Round 24

While the rest of the league fucks about with coaching and CEO blow-ups, salary cap breaches, retirees, injuries, drug cheats, assault claims, new tattoos, contract negotiations and very occasionally a game or two of footy, I have decided to concentrate on the sorts of things that really matter in this sport of kings:  who has the coolest names in the NRL.  

The last few weeks have introduced some new players such as Shibasaki for the Broncos, and last week Emre Guler received his first-grade jersey for the Raiders (from his mum, who is a good sort and also owns a kebab shop).

I've scoured the playing lists for the year and have come up with a shortlist of the names that I think are the best.  

Renouf Toomaga (Bulldogs) - everyone knows that if you run off Renouf often enough, you'll score tries.

Clay Priest (Bulldogs) – sounds like he should be a genre of character in a fantasy video game, like a Forest Elf or an Ice Dragon. It would probably be one of those games where you walk around endlessly trying to solve a quest and the townspeople just keep repeating the same three phrases at you, and the shop owner wants 20 gold pieces for a leather tunic, but you only have 18. 

Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad (Warriors) – a game of “what should we name the baby” that was resolved by dipping blindly into the bag of Scrabble tiles.

Slade Griffin (Knights) – this is the name of the popular guy in every high school movie set in the 80s. He may wear a leather jacket and he definitely drives a TransAm. “Did you hear that Kimberley made out with Slade Griffin?” “Oh my god, Slade Griffin. He is so boss.”  Even the teachers love Slade Griffin, except for the meddling headmaster.

Marcelo Montoya (Bulldogs) – Marcelo Montoya's father was a great Spanish blacksmith, who was killed by a six-fingered nobleman over the price of a sword. Marcelo seeks to avenge his father's murder, but is limiting his search to the sidelines of Bankstown Oval.  So far, he has not made much progress.

Keegan Hipgrave (Titans) – a lesser known character in the Harry Potter series, Keegan made it into the reserve-grade Quidditch team and also excelled in Potions class, finishing 2nd in his year level. In a deleted scene, he asks Hermione to be his partner in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but she says no.

Payne Haas (Broncos) - following his defeat of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, the Italian Stallion faces a new challenger in Payne Haas, in what is essentially a remake of the same movie.  With dialogue like "Now you're in my Haas!" and "if Payne persists, see your doctor", the Oscar buzz is already palpable with this one.

Emre Guler (Raiders) – a low-level Batman villain who trained with the League of Shadows, Emre managed to track Batman back to Wayne Manor, but was soon foiled by Alfred, who wiped his memory with a potion that was never used or mentioned again. 

Gehamat Shibasaki (Broncos) - a traditional Asian stereotype, Gehemat is a Japanese samurai who honours his family with every breath, does not understand rap or country music, is a humble rice farmer, practices Chinese tea ceremonies with Geishas, is very good at those Dance Dance Revolution arcade games, drinks bubble tea, has outstanding mathematics ability, plays the violin and clarinet, will barter with you on the price of everything, and cannot handle his alcohol.     

Ofahiki Ogden (Warriors) - part Maori bouncer, part Viking god, part IKEA furniture. Is as simple as he is complex, and is as deep as a hole.  

Round 24

Wests Tigers vs Manly Sea Eagles

Last week, the Sea Eagles managed to score 34 points, with five tries being split between the Trjbovic brothers. They still lost.  I can't imagine the Tigers leaking that many points, but I also can't imagine them scoring too many either.  This is the last roll of the dice for the Wests boys to stay alive in the season, so they'll be clinging onto this one with a GI Joe kung-fu grip. 

NZ Warriors vs Penrith Panthers

Well this is a game that means absolutely dick-all. They should battle this one out through a BeyBlade tournament, and then just kick Penrith out regardless of the outcome.

North QLD Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels

It's promising to be an emotional game, this one.  Not only is this a HUGE step towards either claiming or escaping the wooden spoon, the Cows will be celebrating robo-prop Matt Scott's 250th game, Jake Granville playing his 100th, Jason Taumololo returns from a pissweak suspension ready to fuck some shit up and the golden boy Johnathan Thurston playing in his final game in front of his home crowd.  The stage is set for the Cowboys to really let everybody down in spectacular fashion.

Canberra Fucken Raiders vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Rabbitohs have named Johnston and Inglis to make their returns from injury, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Burgesses will remember how to catch this week too.  For the Raiders, Joe Tapine has been ruled out with a foot injury, which means that the role of "giving away stupid penalties" lies solely with BJ Leilua.

Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm

This game gets my patented "Wouldn't Surprise Me If This Was An Upset" stamp.  It also gets my "This Could Be Another Fucking Flogging By The Storm" stamp and a "Cam Smith Is A Little Bitch" sticker.  I have a lot of stationery.  If the Storm just run at Ash Taylor all game, they should come away with a win here.  

Sydney Roosters vs Brisbane Broncos

Hmmmm probably game of the round, to be perfectly Francine with you.  The last time they played it was a deadset clanger of a match, with Mitchell and Roberts swapping barbs and flinging shit.  A lot has changed since then - Anthony Milford has stepped up his game, Cordner is bending the line, Corey Oates has had a haircut.  The last few weeks have seen teams play conservatively against the Roosters to come away with the biscuits, but I don't think that will happen in this game, and we'll see a close, high-scoring match. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Newcastle Knights

This should be an easy with for the Sharkies, but I can't think of anything even remotely interesting to say about it. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs

The Saints managed to stop their freefall into Shitsville last week, but the top eight is so congested at the moment that a loss this weekend could fuck them right up and end their season somewhat prematurely and explosively.  I think Ben Hunt is going to have a blinder and stick this game right up his detractor's arseholes, but then they'll just say "eh, it was only the Bulldogs" and he'll get all sad again.   

NRL 2018 - Round 23

Following last week's shock hooking of Penrith coach Anthony Griffin, other clubs have gotten in on the act as well, hoping that it will inspire their team the way that the Panthers came back against the Titans to notch up an important win.  I reckon the Raiders should start firing all kinds of people during the game.  Get rid of a couple of the head coach, trainers and physios by half time, then show the door to cheerleaders, mascots, Blake Austin and at least one assistant coach during the second half.

The Manly Sea Eagles got in quick with a press release which basically said, "We have no news. Stay tuned!" and then they followed that tantalising announcement with a press conference in which they stated the same thing, but to a room full of journalists.  I can't wait for the next instalment of "Because Fuck Manly, That's Why."  We all know that coach Trent Barrett is going to get the chop, and no one cares, so why prolong the inevitable?  

It might as well say that "Trent has the full support of  the Manly board"

The Broncos then decided that they wanted a bit of the "our coach is fucked too, hey" trend in the NRL and are at loggerheads with old man Wayne Bennett.  I'm not sure if it's a good idea to piss off the Grim Reaper, but I'll let Brisbane handle that for themselves.  At this stage, it's difficult to determine whether Brissy are trying to piss Bennett off, or if Bennett is trying to piss off the Broncs, but in the end I don't think it really matters; the important thing is that Brisbane are shit.

In fact, Brisbane are in that much trouble that they are actually looking forward to getting Jack Bird back from injury.  This is the same Jack Bird who has a McDonalds credit card attached to his contract, who doesn't actually have a position in the team and single-handedly lost two games in his eight appearances for the Horsies this year.  

Assuming Jack is on $800,000 per year as was reported, here's a brief rundown of his value to the Broncos in 2018:

- 636 minutes played, equating to $1,257 per minute.  

- 415 running metres, or $1,927 per metre.  Note that Jason Taumalolo knocked up 221 metres in just one game last week.  

- 140 tackles for $5,714 per tackle.

- 13 tackle breaks @ $61,538.

You're worth every penny, Jack, you fat fuck.

Round 23

Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Souths were back to their shitty best last week and contributed to fucking up my tips (along with every other fucking team), with Sam Burgess forgetting the first part of his game plan:  (don't) drop the ball.  The Broncos have had a pretty bad week so let's hope that it keeps going downhill for them and they slide out of the finals.  It's also nice to see that both teams have opted not to play with a fullback for this game, with Darius Boyd slotting into the #1 jersey for the Broncs and Dane Gagai taking over for Souths.  

Manly Sea Eagles vs Gold Coast Titans

This game could produce 90 points, 0 points, both teams could win by a lot, both teams could scrape in a victory, it could produce some amazing play or it could be used as an educational tool about what might happen to you if you don't finish high school.  

Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels

Oh hey Parra, nice of you to turn up last week and destroy a top 4 team by forty points.  I mean, it's not like that sort of form would have been handy for the last 20 rounds or anything.  Melbourne will probably come out swinging in this one, because they were thoroughly embarrassed by a team with Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan in it last week.  

Penrith Panthers vs Newcastle Knights

Gotta go for someone, right?   

Wests Tigers vs St George Dragons

I actually don't think the Dragons will win again this year.  They were absofuckinglutely untouchable at the start of the season, but have fallen in a heap unlike anything we've seen since they did the same thing at the same time last year.       

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

It wouldn't surprise me if the Cows get up again this week.  I'm not tipping them, but it just wouldn't surprise me.  They are playing very no-nonsense footy right now and are concentrating on just completing sets and moving the ball forward.  For those playing along at home, Paul Gallen needs just three more losses to be crowned "Biggest Loser" for an NRL career.  I can't think of a more deserving player.   

Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors

I am about as confident in picking this game as Con the Confidant, who despite his name, was not confident at all, and was renowned for his lack of football tipping prowess.  Also, he had a drinking problem and a pretty bad home life.  So... you know.  Things weren't great for Con.      

Canberra Raiders vs Sydney Roosters

Sometimes it's nice just to appreciate the fact that Canberra even has a team.  So that's what I'm going to do as I watch try after try after try go against us this weekend.  The Roosters could rack up a golf score here.  You mean a cricket score?  You've never seen me play golf, have you? 

NRL 2018 - Round 22

WOW WHAT A WEEK IN RUGBY LEAGUE.  AN AMAZING 7 DAYS.

Penrith are in the market for a new coach after sacking old mate Anthony “Hook” Griffin during the week.  It’s a controversial move, you know, firing the head coach of a football team FOUR WEEKS OUT FROM FINALS.  But I’m sure the Panthers know what they’re doing.  I mean, it’s not like they would have made such a big decision like getting rid of a coach if they didn’t have another coach in mind, not saying it’s Ivan Cleary even though it totally is, to take over the role without actually having discussed it with him first. 

The main reason that the Panthers want Ivan Cleary to coach is because their halfback, Nathan Cleary, is his son.  Legend has it that Nathan sprung from Ivan’s chin during the mid-90s in full playing gear and slotted a sideline conversion to win the game for the North Sydney Bears against the Illawarra Steelers.  Personally, I think having a father coaching his son probably shouldn’t happen once high school is over.  I remember there was a kid at my high school who was picked for the first XI cricket team even though he was rubbish, and everyone knew that he was only in the team because his dad was the coach, AND there were rumours that his mum was fucking everyone involved in high school cricket as well.  Actually, whenever anything good happened to anyone, we just assumed it was because their mum was sleeping with a teacher or the head of a department, so there’s probably no truth to any of this at all.  Sorry Tim.  I’m sure you were a good player.

To take a bit of heat away from the Panthers, and because they’re massive drama queens, the Melbourne Storm called a media conference on Wednesday for a totally secret announcement that was always going to be about Billy Slater retiring, because he can’t stand it when the focus is on someone else. 

Here’s a list of other things the Melbourne Storm could have announced that would have been slightly more interesting than the retirement of an athlete who’s about 300 years old.  It’s hard to be a professional athlete when you keep asking the trainer for a cup of tea in back play:

• They moved to Perth three years ago and no one noticed
• They are still cheating the salary cap 
• They signed Nathan Cleary as coach and Ivan Cleary as halfback
• Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was the ghost at the fairground all along
• Billy Slater removes his mask to reveal that he was Sandor Earl all along
• Cam Smith and Billy Slater’s sex tape was leaked.  It wasn't very good.
• The Storm announce signing of new fullback for 2019, Silly Blater for $20,000 (plus third-party payments)
• Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was Alex McKinnon all along
• Will Chambers decides against kicking ahead and instead opts to pass the ball
• Billy Slater’s Wally Lewis Medal for Player of the Series in Origin takes off its mask to reveal that it was Kalyn Ponga all along
• Cooper Cronk reveals that he was never mates with Cam Smith or Billy Slater because Cam Smith and Billy Slater have no mates
• State of Origin representative Tim Glasby removes his mask to reveal that he was a $700,000 yacht all along
• Clive Churchill receives Brownlow Medal, thanks Billy Slater. Removes his mask to reveal that he is Dally Messenger
• Dally Messenger wins Dally M medal, wonders what all the fuss is about and gives it to Billy Slater, who removes his mask to reveal that he is still Billy Slater 

In the end though, Billy decided that his time was up, and closes one of the greatest careers of one of the best fullback to play the game.  It’s not very often that a single player can bring about so many rule changes that involve attacking the face and head of an opposition player through the use of your football boots or your knees. 

A lot of people will remember Billy for when he kicked ahead in Origin to score in 2004.   I’ll always remember him for when he kicked a head in every game he played.

Round 22 

Nth QLD Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos

The Broncos bring to the table their latest recruit in Gehamat Shibasaki, who should be made an Immortal simply based on his name.  It’s not often a player of Japanese-origin gets a game in the NRL, probably because they’re racist and have shown great dishonour in not serecting more Asians.  The Broncs have been in a lovely downward spiral lately, although they do have a 3-game cycle where they (1) play really well, then (2) play well enough to win, and then (3) play like their hands have fallen off.  We are currently back at phase (1), so they should get the biscuits in this one.

NZ Warriors vs Newcastle Knights

The Warriors are juuuust hanging onto the Top Eight, and it will take some mathematical nonsense for them to miss out on the finals from here.  I am wondering if they’re just going to take things pretty easy from here to avoid injuries, or if they’ll actually give this “trying to win” business a shot.  I’m tipping the Warriors, but I really have no fucking clue anymore.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

The Bunnies are officially the real deal.  Like, officially.  It’s official.  The Roosters have also been doing pretty well, but an injury to halfback Luke Keary hasn’t done them any favours at the business end of the year.  With the Burgii boys back to bashing blokes with the best of the best for the Bunnies, I give this an alliterative thumbs up to Souths.

 Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers

I think that after last week’s “performance”, we can all safely assume that the Titans have clocked off for the year… which is EXACTLY what they want you to think as they spring a surprise attack on the Panthers.  As we all know, any team that sacks its coach during the week has the unnatural ability to annihilate any opposition that weekend.  I’m not sure why the Panthers have decided to use their superpower now, against the Titans, in a match that means absolutely dick-all, but it’s an interesting strategy; let’s see how it works out for them.

 Manly Sea Eagles vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Both teams scrapping to stay off the bottom of the ladder.  This one could get ugly.  I’d recommend recording it and then watching it back at triple-speed with the Benny Hill theme music going in the background.

Parramatta Eels vs St George Dragons

If there’s a team that can drag the Dragons (see what I did there) out of the slump that they’re in, it’s the cellar-dwelling spastics from Parra.  How are the Saints still coming fourth?  That’s just ridiculous; it feels like they haven’t won a game since April.

Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

GO YOU FUCKEN RAIDERS.  It’s the traditional 40+ point flogging round; I have no idea why or how, but Canberra really puts on a show against the Tiges.  I’m sure the Raiders will somehow manage to fuck it up, but I’m staying positive.  Canberra by 28.

Melbourne Storm vs Cronulla Sharks

After hearing about Billy Slater’s retirement, the Cronulla Sharks immediately offered him a contract until 2020, bringing their total number of fullbacks to eighty.  I think the Storm will lift again this week, as long as Smith can sacrifice enough virgins to stay on the field for the full 80 minutes.  It’s not a religious offering, Cam Smith just fucking hates virgins.  He won’t even use olive oil.

Get your limited edition commemorative Billy Slater memorabilia before they sell out:
 "Leaving his mark on the Game"

NRL 2018 - Round 21

There's not much going on in the league world at the moment.  I guess that kind of thing will happen when you ban Todd Carney.  It doesn't help that Josh Dugan has been injured for the best part of 20 years and hasn't been able to get into as much trouble as usual.  Some say that he's still gingerly nursing a hangover on the couch to this day.  

Congratulations to Big Mal Meninga for being named as an "Immortal" during the week.  Introduction into the Immortals group was going to be between Mal and Darren Lockyer but then Mal just said "I'll fucken smash youse" and the decision was made.

I'm not arguing

So Mal joins an elite group of players including Norm Provan, Dally Messenger, Clive Churchill, Johnny Raper and Arthur Beetson, and rumour has it that the Roosters have offered two-year contracts to four of those players.    

Round 21

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos

It really would be the most Broncos thing to do if they lost this game.  Despite winning last week against a lazy, possibly super-stoned Tigers opposition, the Dogs are done, man.  Like, stick a fork in them kind of done.  Sooo done.  Like Ross and Rachel kind of done.  Are people still comparing things to Ross and Rachel?  You know who I never liked?  Rachel.  Also, Monica.

Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers

Carn you fucken Knights, hey?  I have no idea why, but I’m riding Newy home in this one.  It’s not personal though – I don’t think I could name three players from either side.  Ponga, Guerra, Shaun Kenny-Dowall.  Benji, Farah, Elijah Taylor.  Turns out I was wrong.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Melbourne Storm

PHROAR WHAT A GAME THIS SHOULD BE if Souths bother turning up for a fucken change.  They won’t be able to fuck about like they did last week before they start taking the game seriously.  I’m going for Melbourne; they looked pretty shit hot last week.

St George Dragons vs NZ Warriors

As is tradition, the Dragons were looking all fucking razzle dazzle and completely unbeatable early in the year and are now on a perfect downward trajectory into Shitsville, which just happens to be the current residence of the Warriors, who have decided to move into their spiritual home.  Both teams look like they would rather be anywhere doing anything rather than knocking about a footy field.  I reckon the Saints will wake up just enough to scrape through with a 20-point drubbing.

Parramatta Eels vs Gold Coast Titans

NOBODY CARES.  Somehow, the Titans are still a chance to make the finals.  I mean, they won’t, but there’s a chance.  But it won’t happen.  But they’ll win this game. 

Sydney Roosters vs North Queensland Cowboys

Nobody’s giving the Cowbs much of a chance in this game, which makes sense because they are absolute garbage at the moment and deserve to feel bad about themselves.  The Roosters have finally decided to flex their flexing muscles and are actually looking dominant against quality opposition.  I guess it just goes to show that if you have enough money and are willing to cheat, good things will happen to you.

Cronulla Sharks vs Manly Sea Eagles

No offence to either of these teams, but I hope there’s a fire in the stadium while they're playing and everyone gets burned to death and dies but then everyone makes a miraculous recovery and they all come back to life and they go on to live long and fulfilling lives but they never play football again. 

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

Let’s have a wander down memory lane:

In Round 9 in 2016, the Panthers snuck in a field goal in the 78th minute to beat the Raiders 19-18.

In Round 14 in 2017, the Panthers scored twice in the last two minutes to defeat the Raiders 24-20. 

In Round 24 in 2017, a late try gave the Panthers a 26-22 win over the Raiders.

In Round 14 this year, the Panthers drummed up 7 points in the last five minutes to sneak past the raiders 23-22.

Fucking Raiders.