Round 21: Pride and Prejudice

As we mercifully draw nearer to the business end of the season, teams start playing for more than just two points to add to their tally on the ladder. Some are trying for a top four spot; others play for a chance to be in the top eight. A few are trying to avoid the wooden spoon, and the rest are basically there for shits and giggles.

Panthers vs Cowboys
The Cowboys are halfway between “shits and giggles” and “avoid the spoon.” With the team that they have, they should be a bit higher up the ladder instead of, you know, equal last (I’m not counting the Storm). The Panthers probably deserve to be a bit lower down the ladder by the same rationale, instead of, you know, equal second. Their current form (i.e. shit) is more where the Penrith lads are at, but they’ll hold onto their top four spot with a win over the ‘Boys this weekend.

Broncos vs Dragons
I’m on the Dragons train and I’m not getting off just yet, even though “star recruit” Mark Spazzy-Gazzy Gasnier is back in town and fucking things up for them. If this was a Mighty Ducks movie, he would realise that he’s not the great white hope that the media claim him to be and would step down so someone younger, stronger and faster and preferably isn’t 96% retarded can have a crack at the game. Alas, he’s not in a Mighty Ducks movie and is threatening to lose the minor premiership for the red & whites. The Broncos are playing well and will be pushing for a top-eight appearance (and they probably deserve to) but my money this week goes to the Saints in a game that will be closer than Gasnier’s eyes.

Knights vs Sea Eagles
The Novocastrians will be looking to play for pride this week. It won’t work, much like the rest of their season. I guess it’s hard to be proud when you’re taking orders from Kurt Gidley. Those Manly boys should be able to wrap this one up fairly comfortably.

Bulldogs vs Rabbitohs
Even though they have lost the biggest man in league to injury, the Bunnies will welcome back the smallest man in league from injury. If they can get a decent look from the refs this week, Souths should win and take another step towards cementing their finals spot, but it won’t be an easy feat against a Doggies team that has sorely underperformed this year and will be looking to finish on a high.

Eels vs Roosters
I’m still not entirely sure how an entire football team can base their entire season on the form of one player, especially when that player is a fullback, and even more so when that fullback is Jarryd “Can I have a Y for yellow please, Burgo” Hayne. But over the last month or so, he’s repeating his performance of last year (i.e. trying) and the team is winning. The Eels’ grand-final march of 2009 was a one-off though, and any ideas of another Blue and Gold bogan army will be stopped by the Roosters this week. Please please please.

Tigers vs Sharks
This game should be as one-sided as an Iced Vovo, but has the potential to end up more like an Oreo. The Sharks have the team to spring the upset and revive a bit of Cronulla pride into the arse-end of the season, whereas the Tigers will be looking to prove that their good mid-season form wasn’t a fluke. The boys from Balmain are copping a lot of flak for being pussies and taking dives, so look for someone to take advantage of a Paul Gallen “tackle” and send him back to the judiciary. I’d love for the Sharks to win, simply because I don’t like the Tiges that much, but I don’t see it happening. Start planning your end-of-season trip, lads.

Warriors vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Warriors. Grah. The Warriors have snuck themselves into the top eight without too much fanfare, while the Titans have been steadily sliding back down the ladder to where they belong. To win this game, the Gold Coasters will have to find the tryline, something they really haven’t been able to locate too frequently for a while now, and I don’t see it happening this week. Warriors by a dozen.

Storm vs Raiders
With the spoon already locked up in the Storm's trophy cabinet, the Melbournians really don’t have much to play for, other than a desire to piss off a whole bunch of teams who are trying to qualify for finals football. I foresee the Storm spoiling Canberra’s current run of wins and annoying the Raiders' faithful. I don’t think the Green Machine will be too surprised by the loss though. Just quietly, I don't think they expected to win three games all season.

And these tips will follow you…

Fig 1. A text-book tackle from Shaun Kenny-Dowell. Note the use of the fingers in the eyes.

how talking can be an extreme sport

It’s time to dust off the crowbar and start cracking skulls again. This week, I’m smashing the shit out of five phrases that really piss me off.

1. “Literally.”

A lot of the people who say “literally” to emphasise a point use it in such a way that they make it obvious that they literally don’t know the literal meaning of the word “literally.”

“He ate so much he literally exploded.”

Did he really fucking literally explode? I’m pretty sure he didn’t. If you drop a ‘literally’ within my earshot, I will literally beat your face with my crowbar. Literally.

2. “My bad.”

My bad? MY BAD?

“Oooh, sorry, didn’t mean to drop that piano on your grandmother. My bad.”

“What?”

“My bad.”

“…”

“…”

“Your bad what?”

“…”

“…”

“What?”

*SMACK*

“Oh, was that your head meeting my crowbar? My bad.”

3. “Ain’t.”

What the fuck is this word short for?

“That ain’t my crowbar!”

No, it’s mine and it’s heading towards your face.

4. “Think outside the square.”

People who say that they think “outside the square” are dicks. There’s no square, there’s no box. There’s just thinking… and there’s a crowbar.

5. “That’s impossible – they proved that on Mythbusters.”

Just because two fat fucking idiots on a TV show can’t hack through a pig’s head with an axe with one swing doesn’t mean that I can't cut through eighteen vikings with a blunt razor. The Mythbusters guys can’t get laid either, but other people are doing that. The only thing those guys can do is wear stupid hats and grow shitty facial hair. That myth has been busted, and so have their faces. By my crowbar.

Dojos all over the world are popping up to teach self-defence against crowbar wielding psychopaths like me

Round 20: Surely this season is almost over?

Round 20 throws up a nice mix of hard games, easy games and games that will make you think “why am I still watching this sport?” Don’t worry, we all wonder that around this time of year.

Bulldogs vs Eels
Do dogs like to eat fish, or do fish poison dogs when they eat them? This is the question we must ponder for this stoush, and it’s not an easy one to answer. And so I won’t. The Eels will win this one on the back of recent good form and general fortune from Jarryd “The Hayne Train” Hayne.
Dragons vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Dragons. Flying fire-breathers. BANG BANG BANG. I don’t think I need to explain anything further.

Raiders vs Sharks
There are few certainties in tipping rugby league, and one of them is on show this weekend – the loss of a coach and the sudden turnaround of form. Ricky Stuart pissed off from the Sharkies earlier in the week due to them being fucking terrible. This should automatically grant them a win, but the Raiders are shit hot at the moment and nothing will stop them from rampaging into the top eight, rolling the Sharkies this weekend by a billion. Seriously. A billion. Look for Joel “Big Deal Around Here” Monaghan to score at least seventy-nine thousand tries. And look for Adam “I’m Shit” Mogg not to.

Cowboys vs Knights
This is historic – I am tipping the Cowboys, because I like men in arseless pants. It’s handy that the Cowbs will have their butts to the open air, because it will make it easier for the Knights to kiss them. Fucking stupid Knights.

Storm vs Panthers
The Panthers are impressing no-one lately, not even their own mums, despite sitting in second place on the ladder. It’s also fairly impossible to know what the hell the Storm are doing these days, other than spending trillions of dollars that they shouldn’t have. Weighing up these factual facts that I haven’t made up or embellished at all, I’ve decided to tip the Storm for no apparent reason.

Rabbitohs vs Warriors
The Bunnies are playing like men possessed lately, despite not being able to buy a victory from a two-dollar shop with a low-interest gold credit card. They’ve got my money this week though, even though I kind of have a soft spot for those Warriors. I think it’s because of all the apostrophes and vowels in their names.

Manly vs Tigers
Dear Diary,
Today I did something I’m not proud of – I tipped Manly. I just think that the Tigers have been really lucky to have won the games that they have, and that’s about to end. Don’t judge me. Also, I had a burrito for lunch and it was really nice.

Broncos vs Roosters
I don’t think I can go against the Broncos at the moment – without checking any stats, results or scorelines, the Broncos are playing out of their skins right now. Add that to the fact that I hate a lot of the Roosters players, and it’s a fairly easy decision to make.

The albino kid who let his mum cut his hair just wants to be part of the team

Don't tip my tips, my tippy tippy tips, I just don't think you'd understand.

headlines are my life

Welcome to the Evil Breakfast News. I am Mister and this is what’s happening in the world today (and over the past few weeks when I haven’t posted anything. Apologies for that, but I’ve been busy).

Dum dum dun dunnn dum dum duh dunduh (no, that’s not supposed to sound like the Gargamel part of the Smurfs theme song, it’s meant to be a news theme).

Our opening story today takes us to ye olde Englande, where scientists claim to have found the answer to one of life’s great questions:

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

For billions of years, people have wondered how a chicken could exist, since it must come from an egg. That egg, though, must have come from a chicken. So what’s the deal? How did all of this craziness begin? These noble giants of the scientific community have given us the answer: the chicken was first.

Researchers have found that a protein called ovocleidin (OC-17) is crucial in the formulation of eggshells, and it is produced in the pregnant hen's ovaries. Ergo, henceforth, thusly, the chicken was first.

Except they haven’t: But the researchers have not yet managed to answer how the protein-producing chicken existed in the first place… which kind of makes their previous statement of having “solved” the question fairly redundant. It would be like me saying, “I have cleaned my shower. Except for all the mould and pubes and soap scum.” Don’t mind me while I await new developments in the science world before handing over your Nobel Peace Prize, lads. I’m hoping that the guy who mashed blue and yellow Play-Doh together to make green has something new up his sleeve.

More in science news: British scientists are wasting everyone’s time, and I need to clean my shower.

It happens to the best of us sometimes

In environmental news, the oil rig that has been pissing oil into the Gulf of Mexico since April 22 has been stopped by the placing of a cap over the offending leaking hole.


I’m assuming that BP have never seen a bottle cap before. If you have a bottle of water and you take the lid off and turn the bottle over, the water will come out. If you put the lid on, the water will stop flowing out. After watching oil flog out of a great big hole, it has just occurred to them to try to “cap” it. Captain Planet is weeping in his giant blue house and scrubbing penguins as we speak.


In entertainment news, Hey Hey It’s Saturday is still shit.


A couple of years after being axed from Channel 9 after twelve million years of being a shit tv show, even for Australian audiences in the 80s and 90s, it was brought back for the audience of 2010. One can only assume that it returned so host Daryl Somers could finally finish telling a joke, laughing at it himself and then explaining it to the crowd, be interrupted by the dickhead in the voice-over booth and be upstaged in the personality stakes by a pink ostrich puppet.


Here’s how to fix Hey Hey in 3 (ish) simple steps:

1. Put it on a fucking Saturday or change its fucking name. The fucktard in charge of plonking this on a Wednesday should go back to England and be put in charge of solving chicken and egg mysteries.

2. Make it an hour-long show. It’s hard enough watching Dazzler struggle through a single segment, but when he stretches it out for two hours, it’s just fucking painful. Better yet, get rid of him. Better yet, get rid of everyone who had a part in this show, the last show and is thinking about being involved in any future shows. Especially the duck.

3. Keep the ostrich.



In recent news, Lindsay Lohan has been described as “a Hollywood star.” That is all.



In sport, the Australian cricket team collapsed quite horribly to be all out for fuck all and nothing against a very ordinary Pakistan team. This wasn’t entirely unexpected, considering their last match was saved by two of the worst cricketers Australia has produced in the past trillion years, Shane Watson and Marcus North. The state of Australian cricket has fallen so far that no one is even bothering to call for the captain, Ricking Ponting, to be sacked. And that, my dear readers, is a hard fucking time for us all.

This makes me sick

Round 19: Broken fingers, broken noses

Round 19 is throwing up a few games that promise to be abso-fucking-lute crackerjacks, for whatever that means, and will be like picking a broken nose with a broken finger... difficult. Hence the title. I’m sure you can see what I did there.

Rabbitohs vs Dragons
The first of our nose affairs. If you’re tipping purely from the NRL ladder, you’d assume this should be a piece of piss for the Dragons, but Souths do enjoy tossing in a bit of unpredictability just to piss people off. Despite losing last week, they really are playing some good footy. But I’ve put the child-locks on in my Dragons band-wagon and will not be getting off. Drags by a dozen, even with Spazzy Gasnier getting in the way.

Titans vs Broncos
IT’S THE CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Broncos. This all-Queensland bash will ensure that XXXX continues to be sold throughout the Sunshine State, and will also provide us nose-pickers with another itchy problem. I’m going for the Brisbanes this week – they are playing better footy than the Titans, they have momentum and most importantly, they don’t have Matt Rogers playing for them. Sold. Broncs by 8.

Warriors vs Storm
The Storm keep on digging themselves in a bit deeper with their salary cap bullshit, don’t they? And whenever they pick up their shovels for another go, they decide they need to prove to their fans and sponsors (probably their sponsors more than their fans) that they are the real deal. And whenever they do that, the fucking Warriors are there to cop a hiding. If this was any other week, it would be a busted digit going into a wonky nostril. As it is though, it’s a flogging on the cards. Storm by 20.

Panthers vs Eels
Toot toot - the Hayne Train is back in action. Well done, Jarryd, you’re doing what you’re being paid to do. Congratulations. Actually, that’s more than I can say for myself - this blog is proudly brought to you by the Australian Government. Unfortunately, when Hayne is scoring tries, it means that Parra is playing well. The Panthers played like shit last week, and I really don’t know if it’s within them to turn it around. But they’d better, because I’m backing them. Just. Fingers & noses, baby.

Sharks vs Sea Eagles
Another grozzie-grab game – this round is producing either tears of pain or very itchy noses in almost every match. Crickey. The Sharks haven’t been as shit as everyone thought they’d be, and Manly have been producing occasional moments of brilliance (as well as more frequent moments of retardedness). I’m going Manly, but only because I still don’t trust Trent Barrett. Sea Eagles by 7.

Raiders vs Knights
Pick pick pick. Ouch ouch ouch. I hear that Adam Mogg is out with some kind of injury, which will boost Canberra fans as he really is the world’s fucking worst player. A further boost will be provided by the news that Josh Dugan has decided to stay with the Green Machine for a few more years – I can only assume he has a shady past and some outstanding arrest warrants that the Canberra management are helping him with – this is all pointing to a Raiders victory (by 14 points). Unfortunately, it’s a game that they are expected to win, so this is going to affect them badly. I’m going to stick with them, but they’ll hang on by the skin of Dave Shillington’s hairy ballsack in a 2-point finish.

Roosters vs Bulldogs
I’m expecting the Roosters to cheat their way to victory in this game (as they do in most games), but it won’t be easy with Brett “this is how they cheated back in my day” Kimmorley playing surprisingly well for someone with Alzheimer’s and osteo-arthritis. I’m super happy that Canberra has put in a bid for the world’s most wrinkled player next year, too. The crowd will have to cheer extra loud, as I’m pretty sure hearing aids aren’t allowed whilst playing. Roosters by 8 in a game that will be closer than it should be.

Tigers vs Cowboys
The only team bad enough to lose to the Cowboys these days is Canberra. The Tigers should run in at least four-thousand tries, and convert at least eight-hundred of them. I’m no mathematician, but that should give them a 24-6 victory, yes?

Tipping you is easy ‘cause you’re beautiful.

Roles reversed: Using state-of-the-art photography techniques, this photo makes it look like Kimmorley isn't a hobbit.

Round 18: Go hard or go home

So State of Origin is finally fucking over for another year. The Queenslanders can go home, beat their wives, sleep with someone else’s wife, drink some XXXX and fall asleep in the back of their ute and dream happily. The NSW players can go home, beat their wives, pack rape a 16-year old and knock back a couple of eccies with a bottle of scotch and drive over a guy on a bike and spend the weekend “assisting police with their enquiries.” He’ll dream happily too, but only because he can’t remember if he won the footy or not and still has millions of dollars to roll around in.

Roosters vs Rabbitohs
It’s not often that you can use the term “traditional rivals” and actually mean it. But these two teams hate the fucking shit out of each other and aren’t afraid to show it. I see Souths winning the game, the fight and the mascot race at half-time.

Tigers vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Tigers. The Tigers have a horrible habit of playing really poorly when they come up against a shit opponent. I don’t see that changing this week, considering the Titans are the shittiest of the shit. Tigers by 2.

Manly vs Raiders
My apologies to all the Manly fans out there because I forgot to tip their last game.
Apologies to the Raiders fans out there because the Raiders suck.
Apologies to the Raiders because I’m not tipping you this week.
And the Raiders can apologise to me whenever they want for being so fucking bad.

Bulldogs vs Storm
Bahahahahahahaha Storm.

Knights vs Sharks
God, there’s always one drooling mess of a game each week, isn’t there? I’m going to call on Paul the Psychic German Octopus. He went for the Knights. As much as I think he’s kidding himself, I’ll trust the little eight-legged fucker this time.

Panthers vs Warriors
I really don’t think the Panthers have the balls to make it to the Grand Final this year, despite them running second on the ladder right now. But then, the Warriors just won’t be the team to shake them.

Eels vs Cowboys
Edit: There are always two drooling messes of games each week. Welcome to Droolfest Part 2. If I had to give a flying fuck about the outcome of this match, I’d pick the Eels, just because it’s hilarious to see the Cowboys flap around the bottom of the table.

Don’t stop tipping!

Round 17: Origin 3-D

Sorry - my computer has been fucked all week. Stupid fucking computers.

This week’s tips are in 3-D. OOOOOOH. AAAAAAAAH. What a waaaaank.

Broncos vs Tigers
The Broncos have a thousand players out due to Origin duty; the Tigers… not so much. The Baby Broncos may have the swagger but not enough substance to knock off the Tiges this week. Just don’t expect too much from anyone and you might not be let down.

Sharks vs Bulldogs
For some reason, the Sharks’ go-to man Trent Barrett has not only been called up again for Origin duties, but has been named as the captain. It makes me think that my State of Origin debut (as captain/coach) can’t be too far away. Without Trent to sort them out, the Sharks will flounder like floundering flounders and the Doggies will take the points in what promises to be a monumental shitfest of a game.

Raiders vs Roosters
Todd Carney, the leakiest man in the world, is coming back to the nation’s capital. I am salivating on myself like the rabid Raiders supporter that I am at the chance to lean over the fence and yell streams of abuse at the human fire extinguisher, but the Raiders have been playing so abysmally poorly of late that I just can’t tip them. My money is on the Chooks, but I’ll still be prepared to dance like a spastic if the Green Machine springs an upset. I might even give Josh Dugan a lift to the game.



Warriors vs Eels
Oh Christ, I don’t know. Warriors. Just because I don’t like the Eels, and the Warriors really don’t do enough to warrant being hated by anyone. And if I don’t hate them, they must be doing something right. I fucking hate everyone (except Brett Mullins).

Dragons vs Panthers
HOLY CRAP THIS GAME WILL BE AWESOME except it won’t, because it’s Origin week and all of the best players will be away from club footy. Ergo, flip a coin. Mine says Panthers, but I’m thinking of tipping the Saints anyway, just because I like that Soward fella. But not in the same way that I like Brett Mullins.

QLD vs NSW
NSW have brought back "the bash brothers" Gallen and Bird to try and scare the Queensland pack. You. Are. Kidding. Right? Right. Gallen and Bird are scary to two people in the world: The girls that they beat up and smashed in the face with glasses. Last time I checked, those girls weren't part of the QLD team, so the Blues can expect another desmolishment.

And that’s the way the tips go.

Round 16: Another four years to debate whether it's 'soccer' or 'football.' It's soccer, anyway

Thank fuck the Aussies have been bundled out of the Soccer World Cup. I am a proud Australian, but watching the Socceroos faff around the pitch with the heavyweights is just a bit embarrassing. I know they performed better than expected in the 2006 World Cup, but that’s a bit like saying that the Jamaican bobsled team did well at the Winter Olympics and are a shoe-in for gold in the next ones. Sometimes turning up really isn’t that much of an achievement. Just ask the Cowboys.

See that awesome segue from soccer to bobsledding to rugby league? Yes, I am that good.

Dragons vs Tigers
I am still wondering why Saints five-eighth Jamie Soward still hasn’t been mentioned for the NSW #6 jumper. The Saints are smashing everyone, Soward can pass and kick and occasionally make a tackle. He’s the quickest player in the league over 40 metres and has a name that lends itself to a nice “Sweet and Soward” banner. He must have really pissed off the selectors though, as they are looking at dragging Brett Kenny out of retirement from 1985, or digging up Don Bradman to inspire the troops. Personally, I’d have a look at the man who will lead the red’n’whites to a crushing victory. Yes, I got there in the end.

Eels vs Broncos
I think everyone can agree now that Jarryd Hayne sucks. Yes? Good. Broncos to win by a dozen.

Cowboys vs Sharks
In classic Soccer World Cup tradition, this could very well end up nil-all, as neither of these teams have it in them to score a fucking point. But I reckon the Sharkies will sneak home on the back of a Trent Barrett header.

Rabbitohs vs Storm
The Storm have got nothing to play for… except their millions of dollars and supermodel girlfriends. That should inspire them to win. Fuck, it would probably inspire me.

Roosters vs Warriors
This is a tricky one to pick; it’s a home game for the Sydney Roosters, yet it is being played in New Zealand, which is the traditional home of the New Zealand Warriors, and far from the sun-drenched beaches and coke-smeared hookers of Bondi that the Roosters are used to. Seeing has the Roosters have more Kiwis than the Warriors anyway, I’m going to tip them. PS. Every time I tried to type ‘Warriors’ in this post, I typed ‘Warrirors’. It was really annoying.

Titans vs Knights
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Knights. This game gets my “Mister Evil Breakfast Award For The Game Of The Round That I Care Least About” (MEBAFTGOTRTICLA) and as such I will just say that I hate Kurt Gidley like I hate all venereal diseases, and Matt Rogers is a dick. Titans to win.

Canberra vs Canterbury
The Raiders are Monday night football specialists, especially at home, and even moreso against their arch rivals (from 1994), the Bulldogs. The Doggies are just a really bad football team, regardless of the day, place or opponent. With old man Kimmorley doing whatever the hell he’s doing to keep Canterbury securely stapled to the bottom of the ladder, this will be an easy 2 points for the mighty fucking Raiders.



Everybody tips, sometimes…

another day, another crowbar

I am not, at time of writing, a celebrity. And I will tell you why – it has nothing to do with talent or looks or marketing. It is because I am not a whore.

Celebrities go on chat shows with Oprah and Ellen and Letterman and talk about what’s going on in their life. I have no problem with rich people doing rich person things, but it’s when they expect applause for every fucking little thing they do, that I get pissed off.

“So what did you do for your holidays?”
“After filming ‘Another Shit Movie 4’, I felt like I needed a break, so I headed to the unspoilt tropical paradise of the Caribbean with my family for a few months. It was just what we needed, you know, swimming with dolphins and relaxing for eighteen hours a day on the beach.”
“Well you thoroughly deserved it; your role ‘Another Shit Movie 4’ is being touted as one of the hardest characters you’ve ever played.”
“That’s right, it was very difficult. I had to do a lot of research, you know, reading and such, to really understand the character. I even met with people who had been through similar experiences to my character and spoke to them about it. Yeah, it was a really tough time.”
*audience applauds*
“Well, you were paid over $10 million to do this film, but it sounds like you really earned your money.”
“Oh definitely. I mean, filming took a couple of weeks, like, five or six weeks. And it was intense. Some of the scenes were really late at night, others were very early in the morning, plus I had to have my make-up and hair done every day – sometimes more than once a day – which was really hard as well.”
“I understand you were injured while filming?”
“Yeah, that’s correct – it’s a really intense scene on a boat where I fall into the water. And the water was really cold. When I fell in, the cold water shocked me so much that I thrashed around a bit too much - I went into shock - and scratched my arm on the protective harness I was wearing. But you know, these things happen and after a bit of time back on land, I was like, 'You know what? Let’s just film this scene.'”
*audience applauds*
“You also had a baby recently, am I right?”
“That’s right as well – my wife and I recently welcomed our baby Arizona D’Artagnan Makynzie.”
*audience applauds*
“Thanks, thanks a lot. It was a really special time.”
“And how is Arizona going with the family?”
“Just great. She is sleeping a few hours a night – “
“Just like you, am I right?”
“—haha yeah, exactly. I mean it’s hard, passing her onto our live-in nanny, but with a yoga-lates class early the next morning, I really do need my eight hours. It's true what they say, being a parent is very hard work. But you know what? I wouldn't change a damn thing.”
*audience applauds*
“You’re preaching to the converted, my friend! Ladies and gentleman, please thank special guest Over Paid Actor!”
*audience applauds*

Round 15: Let’s forget about last week

I knew I remembered NSW making a tackle. And here it is.

Last week’s tips were heavily influenced by head injuries and prescription drugs.
This week’s tips are proudly presented by sanity and beer. Onwards!

Broncos vs Panthers
This game is sponsored by C&C Music Factory, who brought us the classic hit “Things that make you go hmmm” because this game is making me go “hmmm” as well. Hmmm. I’m going the way of the Bronco, because I’m sick of the Panthers losing when I tip them.

Bulldogs vs Titans
This CLASH OF THE TITANS and the Bulldogs is brought to you by a hammer and your testicles. Watching these teams play is about as fun as combining the aforementioned sponsors over and over and over again. For those without testicles and therefore cannot relate to the metaphor, please contact your nearest support group for people without balls - I recommend the NSW State of Origin side. Titans to win, just so the Dogs can stay on the bottom of the ladder. Losers.

Storm vs Cowboys
Proudly presented by the time-honoured Participation Certificate. Neither of these teams will feature in the finals series; one because they are dirty, sneaky bastard liar thieves and the other because they’re just really really shit. But since it’s written in my contract that I must select a winner for each game (and no, I don’t really have a contract), I’m going to put my faith in the Storm once more.

Manly vs Souths
This game is brought to you by Oz Lotto – where your chances of picking the winning numbers are slightly easier than choosing a winner here. I’m going for the Bunnies. Surely they can’t be as bad as they were last week. Surely.

Sharks vs Dragons
Proudly presented by Don Bradman - the Dragons will be looking to knock up a century within the first session without breaking sweat. They will later demolish the frail Sharks batting line-up and win by an innings and 80 runs.

Tigers vs Raiders
This match is brought to you by House – you know what’s going to happen without even needing to watch it. The Raiders will race to a seemingly insurmountable lead by halftime, and then have that seemingly insurmountable lead surmountably mounted and they’ll end up losing by at least 10. Fucking Raiders, fucking fuck. Oh, and Dr House will cure a patient after spending 50 minutes wondering what the fuck was wrong with them when he is inspired by a pigeon with a broken wing.

Knights vs Eels
Proudly sponsored by VB because it is the everyman beer. It may not be your first choice of amber fluid, but if it’s being offered, you’ll take it. If you need to provide beer, it’s a good option. It’s like O negative blood. The Knights and the Eels are two decidedly average teams who are playing very average footy at the moment. This one could average itself out to a draw, but my pick is for the Eels to sneak home by the skin of Nathan Hindmarsh’s left buttcheek.

I am proud to be associated with tipping a full round this week.

Good friends

If you’re not an avid Neighbours watcher like me, you’re missing out BIG TIME. Seriously. Lucky for you, I’m here to take you through the nitty and the gritty of the Erinsborough chronicles of the last few weeks...

First things first, don’t be alarmed by the tall guy who has taken over the character of the short guy. It’s just a new actor playing Declan, and I use the term “actor” fairly loosely, even for Neighbours standards. It was hard to get used to, even for a shit character like Declan. I don’t know why they didn’t just kill him; it’s not like he offers anything to the Neighbours universe that no one else can. I would have liked for him to die in a kidnap and hostage scene, personally. By Lou.

The old and new Declans. Can you spot the difference?

The big news around town is that Toadie and Steph got sham-married. AAAAAAW. It was a beautiful wedding, really. Everyone was there – Karl, Susan, some extras… and even Lynne decided to pop in from the 80s to give a speech. Pity she didn’t have time to get changed beforehand, but these things happen. Shoulder pads and ruffles never go out of style though.

The best thing about the Toad/Toadette nuptials is even though everyone who was invited knew that they were only getting married because Steph rooted Libby’s husband and got pregnant and didn’t want to tell Libby about it and Toadie was saving her ass and it wasn’t a real wedding, they all gave presents and went through the motions of giving their congratulations to “the happy couple.”

Due to the overwhelming normality of the situation that the Toads found themselves in, Man-Toad decided to make the day a bit more memorable, so he snogged his ex-girlfriend after the reception at Charlie’s Bar (where else?). I don’t care how sham your marriage is, that’s probably not a great thing to do… and if you do decide to do it, make sure you don’t get caught… by Libby. And then, when confronted about your infidelity, don’t say, “It was a one-off thing, I made a mistake.” If you can’t quite remain faithful for the three hours following your “I do’s”, you should probably rethink your whole life.

The reception was typical Neighbours awesomeness. Everyone was home by 9pm and no one was drunk. Actually, it kind of teams up with the Neighbours-ness of Toadie's buck’s party, which was held at Charlie’s Bar one afternoon and finished… shortly later that afternoon. I guess that’s what happens when (a) you aren’t marrying your girlfriend, (b) you have no mates, and (c) you let a ten-year old organise it for you.

And because there was one shit wedding going on, it got Ringo’s tiny little mind whirring, so he decided to propose to Hot Donna. AAAAAAAAAAAW.

Ringo's proposal required a few things:
1. He had to actually ask her to date him.
2. He had to gain approval from her father.
3. Hot Donna had to track down her father who had not contacted her for 18 years.

So Hot Donna’s dad gave Ringo the all-clear to date his daughter, but warned him “not to fuck her around again like he did last time.” Ringo agreed to these terms and conditions, signed the contract and handed over his soul, including the part of him that remembers watching Hot Donna have sex with the Sometimes Scottish Son of Paul Robinson on the internet. But you know, as long as he doesn’t hurt her again, they should be fine.

Ringo, by the way, is currently on his billionth job since leaving school last year – he has become a musician, then he was a paramedic until a chick he resuscitated became infatuated with him and started stalking him, so he quit to become a brick-laying apprentice. Apparently being a brickie pays fairly sweetly, because he proposed to Hot Donna with a diamond that had seventeen visible satellites orbiting it.

Hot Donna herself has had an interesting few weeks as well, having just recovered from being involved in a horrible accident on Ringo’s worksite that required immediate brain surgery. How they managed to crack her noggin open and fix up the grey matter without ruining her hair is beyond me, but that’s the fucking wonder miracles of Dr Karl. I can’t wait for the episode when he announces that he is the son of God.

My thoughts for the future:
.. Libby will find out about Steph’s dirty little secret.
.. Zeke will continue to be awesome in everything he does, including carrying a crate of records with him wherever he goes. Someone should tell the props guy that a radio DJ is different to being a club DJ with turntables and shit. I'm pretty sure Zeke's radio station isn't playing the latest Guy Sebastian single on vinyl.
.. Harry will become an international basketball star. One cameo by Andrew Gaze just wasn’t enough for me.
.. Paul will club Libby’s ugly child to death with his fake leg. Oh god please.

all these feathers keep knocking me down

Breaking story: Australia lose to Germany in the FIFA Soccer World Cup.

In a shock twist, Aussie fans direct their blame towards Socceroos coach, Dutch-born Pim Verbeek.

In other news, the sun is expected to rise tomorrow.

Round 14: Origin II: Origin’s Revenge

Sequels of note: Spider-man 2, The Dark Knight, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakwel - which had a much more clever name than Alvin and the Chipmunks: The First Piece of Shit Movie.

Sequels not so much of note: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze, Superman 2, Speed 2: Cruise Control.

Some real career killers in there. Will Origin 2 fizzle out? If Origin 1 has any reflection on the way things will go – the answer is yes.

Titans vs Manly
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and Manly! To be perfectly Francis, I think I’ve run out of ways to insult these two teams, so I’ll just let their sub-standard performances in this game do the sledging for me. I’m slightly torn as to who will win this game – Manly are depleted due to injury and State of Origin duties, and the Titans are depleted due to being from Queensland. Fuck it, I’m going for the Titans. It was going to hurt either way.

Cowboys vs Raiders
I think this is probably the first time this season that Raiders coach Dave Furner has looked ahead and thought, “Yeah, fuck yeah. Another two points for us!” before heading to the pub. The Green Machine to have this one wrapped up by the 20 minute mark.

Knights vs Warriors
God. Tipping this is like having to kiss your sister. And I mean YOUR sister (the uggo one), because I don’t have one. F*ck it, I’m going for the Knights, only because Gidley won’t be around to fuck things up for them again.

Broncos vs Rabbits
The Rabbits have ten players out due to injury, suspension and Origin. That’s a fair whack. But I can’t tip the Broncs, because I don’t like them. That was easier than I thought.

Storm vs Roosters
These idiots were both less than awesome last week as well. The Roosters got beaten by the Sharks, man. That’s fairly embarrassing. The Storm should be able to wrap this one up by about 30 and come away with the 0 points.

QLD vs NSW

Origin 2 will follow the tried-and-true theme that made the Home Alone series so fucking entertaining – don’t change a damn thing and just watch people flock to it. Another game, another Maroon victory and that makes it 5 years in a row that the trophy has gone north. I blame Macauley Culkin. How the hell he got together with Mila Kunis is anybody’s guess - just like how Kurt Gidley is (a) picked for NSW, and (b) selected as captain. I'm sure he'll do a bang-up job at leading the team from the bench.

Tip it. Tip it. Tip it real good.

Sweep the leg

Won’t Somebody Not Think Of The Children?

Children are the future

I know that children are the future. According to Whitney Houston, if we teach them well, we can let them lead the way.

Fuck that in the ear. Whitney Houston taught us one thing: Crack isn’t as awesome as we first thought.

Every fucking idiot in the world apparently needs to worry about how everything they do, say or touch is “going to affect the children.” Even the foodstuffs that grace the supermarket shelves give me ‘helpful’ information about how eating it will benefit my growing bones and provide me with the energy I need to get through a busy day at school. I am fairly certain at 30 years of age (31 this year, that’s a bit fucking scary), my bones have done all the growing they’re going to do. I’ll start shrinking before I grow any more, but thanks for the help, Sultana Bran. And if I get enough energy to get me through a highly stressful day at school, I think I’d die. School these days is about wagging off maths to smoke in the toilets, Facebooking your way through history class, texting your mates at lunch and spitting and swearing at your teachers the rest of the time.

Don't adults get a look in at anything anymore? Can't we eat something just for the sake of eating it without having to wonder how it is going to help lower my cholesterol or keep me regular? Is that what life has come to for me -worrying about how often I should be taking a crap? At what point did I stop trying to get seventy million different vitamins from a bowl of cereal to get me through a hectic day of sitting around a classroom to needing eighteen tonnes of fibre so I can take a massive dump while thinking about eating a different brand of butter so my heart can cope with the stress of sitting around an office cubicle?

Even worse news for those celebrities amongst us - and anyone can be a celeb these days - you have to watch yourself every fucking second of every fucking day. Whatever you do, don’t get caught having a beer at your local pub – there are kids who look up to you, fucko! Are you trying to turn them into alcoholics?! Don’t you know that kids will do EVERYTHING they see their idols do? Ignore the fact that their idols are probably rich, dumb sluts who got a reality TV show by releasing a sex tape of them and a shit rapper that no one's ever heard of. Everyone needs a role model.

Whether you won Big Brother eight years ago, just got back from a Sumo-wrestler-bench-pressing competition or are in training for a beer-drinking tournament, these kids are looking up to you and you are not allowed to shatter their tiny dreams of how fucking perfect you and the world is.

Because it is. Just ask Whitney.

Just ask her

Round 13: Rockin the Casbah

After last week’s foray into the seedy underworld of gambling, I came out with $86.84 of pretend money from tipping five games correctly. If I continue like this, I should be a self-made millionaire by the end of Round 16.

Let’s roll onto this week’s tips:

Bulldogs vs Tigers
I really really really really really really don’t like the Bulldogs (except for that Morris guy, I think he’s alright). I have no feelings about the Tigers (except for Lote, I think he’s a douche). My tip goes the way of the striped cat this week.

Eels vs Storm
The Eels will be hungry for this one – they lost to the dirty cheating Mexican thieves in the Grand Final last year and think they (a) have a point to prove, and (b) can beat the Storm and win bragging rights. Even if Parra had an extra $700,000 to spend on players, they’d just give pay rises to Hayne and Hindmarsh and they’d lose all the same. Storm Storm Storm.

Panthers vs Knights
If you’re a betting man (like me), the Knights would be a juicy pick. But if you’re a smart man (like me), you’d stick with the Panthers. If you’re a good looking bloke (like me), it wouldn’t matter, because I’m probably more good lookinger than you.

Roosters vs Sharks
They might have to employ the mercy rule for this puppy – the Roosters should be able to rack up about fifteen cricket scores on the Sharks. I think Carney will be in for a quick-fire thirty odd and then chime in for a few cheap wickets with his gentle medium pacers on a flat pitch.

Warriors vs Dragons
There’s not much room left on the Dragons bandwagon, but if you get in now, I’ll save you a seat.

Raiders vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Raiders. Sorry about missing that last week. I don’t see anyone beating the Raiders this weekend, to be perfectly Francis. They’re at home, I might even be at the game (which is enough to inspire anyone), and it’s probably going to be ball-numbingly cold, which may affect Matt Rogers’ greasy hair and Scott Prince will be missing his palm trees. Raiders by at least 40, and I’m not even kidding.

Manly vs Broncos
That fucking Folou fuckwit can go fuck himself in the fucking ear. Fucking dick fuck. Manly to win and Fuckbag McFuckfuck deserves every fucking piece of dirty play that Manly can muster (and they can muster a lot). There’s a lot riding on Israel Folau’s kicking game in this one.

Rabbits vs Cowboys
Sorry Cows, but your year of shit is going to continue. I do enjoy watching Souths play – they have an odd mix of the biggest blokes in the world playing alongside some people who I’d be fairly confident in fighting (without a crowbar). The lads in myrtle and crimson to win this by at least 20.

Let's talk about tips, baby.

A hug from Rusty is all anyone ever really needs

George Clooney

It was the damndest thing, really. It was late on a Wednesday night; Letterman had just interviewed George Clooney, and thrown to a commercial. I figured I had enough time to grab some food during the break. I leapt from the couch and went foraging through my freezer for some ice cream and I found a human head. There it was, right up the back, resting on a bag of frozen peas. It’s fairly shocking, I can tell you that; it’s not every day you’re looking for dessert and you find someone’s head. I didn’t recognise it as anyone’s head that I knew, but I wasn’t sure if that made me feel any better; I don’t know how I’d react if it was my neighbour or one of my friends’ heads that was in my freezer. I guess I’d be upset or something – if it was a good friend, I reckon I’d cry. If it was my neighbour, I think I’d have to feign some kind of emotion, maybe do some kind of quiet monologue in my kitchen about how “I never really got to know you” and “you were a good neighbour who didn’t complain about noise and was always cooking stuff that smelled really nice.”

The head itself was pretty non-descript; it was just a man’s head. The face had no distinguishing features and was pretty much instantly forgettable. So forgettable, in fact, that I was distracted by Letterman’s voice returning from commercial and announcing the Top Ten list (“Top Ten Things Overheard at the Sex and the City 2 premiere”), that I closed the freezer door and went back to the couch. I fell asleep just before Dave Matthews came on and woke up to Magic Bullet infomercials a few hours later.

So the head kind of stayed in my freezer and I didn’t even think of it until I was looking for some frozen yoghurt a few days later. I can’t remember actually ever buying frozen yoghurt, but was hoping that there was some in there anyway, possibly behind a take-away dish that contained spaghetti bolognaise that I put it in there in 2007. I opened the door and there was the head, still on its bed of peas. I took it out and gave it a quick examination. Clean cut, no blood, no signs of blunt trauma. I congratulated myself on some spontaneous CSI jargon. I should get a job in forensics.

I tossed the head around idly while thinking about what to do with it. I decided that I should probably call someone and get their opinion on it. I considered the police – surely this was their kind of thing. But I didn’t want to get caught up in an investigation or anything; I’d probably have to fill out a bunch of paperwork and be recorded in interviews and have those interviews shown on CrimeStoppers and A Current Affair. Besides, I don’t like the way my voice sounds on tape.

So I rang my friend Wilson. I’ve known Wilson for years; we went to school together and when I found a skateboard outside my house a few years ago, he was the one I went to. He said that he knew whose skateboard it was and returned it to them, so I figured he’s pretty good at finding people who had lost things like sports gear and heads. So I pulled out my phone and dialled his number (he was speed dial #3, by the way).

“Wilson?”
“Yes mate.”
“I found a head in my freezer.”
“Oh. Is it someone you know?”
“No. I don’t recognise it at all. It’s just some guy’s head.”
I tried to spin the head on the tip of my finger like a basketball, but it didn’t work.
“Have you called the police?”
“No, not yet.”
“Good, because they’ll record you and you sound like a dick on tape.”
“I thought that too.” Then I added, “The head shows no sign of blunt trauma.”
“You should get a job in forensics.”
“I know. Thanks for your help man.”

I hung up and decided to just chuck the head away - it was bin day tomorrow anyway. Maybe someone else would find it at the tip and take it home and care for it more than I could. I opened my rubbish bin and dropped it in. As I closed the lid, I took one last look at the head from my freezer and wondered where the fuck that thing had come from anyway, and whether the torso that was in my cupboard had anything to do with it. The head didn’t look like it would have worn the torso’s shirt, but I might have been wrong. I’ve been wrong about things like this before.

Round 12: Shakin my money maker

Nothing in this picture seems to have gone right for anyone

This week, I’m spicing up the tipping extravaganza with the incentive of winning money. Using the prices that have been quoted by Sportsbet or Centrebet or some kind of betting agency, I’m going to see how much moolah I can win from a week of tipping. I have given myself $10 to play with on each game. I figure by the end of the round, I’ll be rollicking rich with fake money and can go out and buy some awesome fake stuff.

Dragons vs Eels
The Dragons are favourites to win this sucker, and rightly so, but with a handful of players backing up from State of Origin, there should be a couple of tired boys in the ranks. However, the players in Wednesday’s game did little more than lie around on sun-loungers, ordering more drinks and getting blowjobs. I know it was raining, but no one’s going to pass up a blowjob, regardless of the weather.

Anyway, Saints to win at $1.54, which gives me $15.40 courtesy of the TAB. It’s not much, but a guaranteed win won’t pay too well any way you look at it.

Tigers vs Warriors
Let’s see: the Bunnies beat the Tigers by 50, and the Warriors beat the Bunnies. Logic would say that the Warriors should thusly beat the Tigers. But they won’t, and it’s another $10.44 for me. Man. I’m never going to be able to afford that pretend rocket-sled at this rate.

Sharks vs Broncos
I’m going out on a limb and picking the upset here – I reckon the Broncs will be dusty from the Origin shitfest and the Sharkies will surprise everyone (including themselves) and get across the line. That’s a good $22.50 for me, which will go towards a massive wheel of cheese.

Cowboys vs Manly
I wish I could tip the Cowboys, and pocket another $23. But putting any cash on these losers would be counter-productive; I’d rather spend that money on taking Carl Webb to get his hair cut. I’ll take Manly and earn an easy $16.20 and buy some beer.

Rabbitohs vs Panthers
The Pantherohs have somehow snuck up to second or third on the ladder (my attention to detail and impeccable research astounds even me sometimes), and even though it’s the Bunnies' turn to have their traditional “good” week, the Penrith lads have got my nod in what should be a fairly entertaining game of footy. $18.60 later and I’m going to blow it all on a shitload of KFC.

Storm vs Bulldogs
Storm. Easiest $15.30 I’ll ever make. I’ll use that money for parking, as paying the meter doesn’t really count as spending, and picking a team to beat the Bulldogs isn’t really gambling.

Titans vs Roosters
Call me mental (other people have), but I’m going to put my $10 on the Roosters for this game. To be perfectly Francis, I haven’t been paying much attention to either of these teams’ form of late – all I’ve been worried about is the safety of women around Todd Carney and the amount of grease coming from Matt Rogers. Seriously, does that guy bathe in the deep fryer at McDonalds? If the Chooks win, I’ve got myself $29.50, which is enough to buy either one good DVD or three shit ones.

Tip me baby, one more time.

Brrrring bring

This instalment of angry ranting is for one particular group who walk among us like regular people. They eat the same food, shop at the same Two-Dollar Shops and rent the same DVDs that we do. They’re in our workplaces, at our schools and universities and in our bars.

They are the people who yell “Yuppie!” whenever someone’s mobile phone rings.

To those dickheads, I welcome them to the year 2010; a place in history where you can buy mobile phones for $20 from Woolworths with your groceries.

This is not the 1980s anymore, Yuppie Yellers; everyone from 10-year old kids to 90-year old pensioners have mobile phones and they don't even have an income. The worst part about the Yuppie Yeller is that the only time they stop Googling their own balls on their iPhone is to shriek “Yuppie!” when someone else’s mobile goes off. I wonder if there’s a crowbar protection application they can download? If there is, they’d better do it soon.

Round 11: Feeling Good

Welcome to Origin week. Exciting, no? No. Let’s just crack on, as I am pushed for time and I’ve got the feeling I’m the only one who still reads this blog.

Knights vs Tigers
Ummmmmm... They both suck, and the Knights’ only good player is playing State of Origin... and he’s not even that good. If the Tigers stop taking so many drugs before the game (and not the good drugs), they should win. Note: I said ‘should.’ I also said ‘if the Tigers stop taking drugs.’ Neither of these things are set in stone.

Eels vs Sharks
These two water-dwelling animals finally come head-to-head or face-to-face or gill-to-gill or something-to-something for what is shaping up to be a fairly ordinary game. I’m just going to pick the Eels. Without Jarryd Hayne being a massive underachiever (and using too many Y’s in his name), they should be able to do whatever it is that eels do to defeat their prey.

Warriors vs Rabbitohs
Go you Bunnies. I’m so confident that they’ll win that I’m going to steal something valuable from work, pawn it and bet the money on them to win by about 20. I wonder how much I’ll get for a stapler? Probably a lot, it still has staples in it.

Dragons vs Raiders
For one, you’d be mad to tip against the Raiders. They’re in a rare streak of great form right now. They even scored a try last week, which was just tops. Yes, I don’t see this game going any other way that a massive Canberra victory. Yep. Totally.

Panthers vs Bulldogs
Oh fuck I don’t know. Oh wait, yes I do. Panthers; because I don’t like the Bulldogs that much. There’s probably other ways to go about this whole tipping thing, but I’m just going to base it on hatred.

QLD vs NSW
The definition of “mad” is when you repeat the same process and expect a different result. The NSW selectors must be fucking insane stark raving-mad lunatics who dribble on themselves and fling shit around their padded cells. They pick the same spastics who didn’t win the previous year to have another bash at it, and then ask them to play in positions that they aren’t even good enough to play for their club.

Brett Kimmorley is the most surprised person in the world every week when he gets picked to play for the Bulldogs; imagine his surprise when he was named in the NSW side. I doubt his eyebrows will ever come down. QLD will annihilate the Blues by a million points. Possibly two million.

Tip tip hooray!

Brett Kimmorley accepts the phone call from NSW selectors on his invisible phone

The Crowbar Club

It has been a while since I’ve added anyone to my “Crowbar List,” so I figure it’s about time I updated it. After all, there are plenty of people who are pissing me off who are without crowbar scars, and I’m sure as hell not getting any prettier, so it’s time to level the playing field.

Today I'm going to piss and moan and crowbar the television show The Mentalist. I have watched about six minutes of this crapfest show and in that time saw a woman hypnotise a cop and persuade him to throw Simon Baker off a rather tall building. Simon Baker then used his own powers of hypnosis to snap the cop out of his trance instead of physically struggling against him while he floundered around like a retarded child zombie. Meanwhile, the hypnotist chick who started this who shitfarm had a gun trained on Simon Baker throughout the whole ordeal. Call me old fashioned, but wouldn't it have been quicker and easier to shoot him rather than try to hypnotise someone to make them think that they were 8-years old and at “the lake”, skimming stones across the water and make them think that Simon Baker was a small, flat stone? (yes, that is how the episode went, I am not making this up. I'm not that clever).

The Mentalist is fucked and I hate everyone involved with it, and a special crowbarring goes to Simon Baker for being the leading 'actor' in it. Another bashing should also go to the guy who does the voice over for the promos for it: “Australia’s Simon Baker is… The Mentalist.” (a) As an Australian, I would prefer it if me, my land and my countrymen were never associated with this bucket of dick television show, and (b) just because there’s an Australian actor (putting on an American accent) in a strangely successful television series, it doesn’t really increase my desire to switch it on. Besides, with Dieter Brummer rocking the world in Underbelly, I have successfully fulfilled my "must watch shitty soap actors from the early 90s" urge.

As if you don't want to crack this fucker with a crowbar.