Good friends

If you’re not an avid Neighbours watcher like me, you’re missing out BIG TIME. Seriously. Lucky for you, I’m here to take you through the nitty and the gritty of the Erinsborough chronicles of the last few weeks...

First things first, don’t be alarmed by the tall guy who has taken over the character of the short guy. It’s just a new actor playing Declan, and I use the term “actor” fairly loosely, even for Neighbours standards. It was hard to get used to, even for a shit character like Declan. I don’t know why they didn’t just kill him; it’s not like he offers anything to the Neighbours universe that no one else can. I would have liked for him to die in a kidnap and hostage scene, personally. By Lou.

The old and new Declans. Can you spot the difference?

The big news around town is that Toadie and Steph got sham-married. AAAAAAW. It was a beautiful wedding, really. Everyone was there – Karl, Susan, some extras… and even Lynne decided to pop in from the 80s to give a speech. Pity she didn’t have time to get changed beforehand, but these things happen. Shoulder pads and ruffles never go out of style though.

The best thing about the Toad/Toadette nuptials is even though everyone who was invited knew that they were only getting married because Steph rooted Libby’s husband and got pregnant and didn’t want to tell Libby about it and Toadie was saving her ass and it wasn’t a real wedding, they all gave presents and went through the motions of giving their congratulations to “the happy couple.”

Due to the overwhelming normality of the situation that the Toads found themselves in, Man-Toad decided to make the day a bit more memorable, so he snogged his ex-girlfriend after the reception at Charlie’s Bar (where else?). I don’t care how sham your marriage is, that’s probably not a great thing to do… and if you do decide to do it, make sure you don’t get caught… by Libby. And then, when confronted about your infidelity, don’t say, “It was a one-off thing, I made a mistake.” If you can’t quite remain faithful for the three hours following your “I do’s”, you should probably rethink your whole life.

The reception was typical Neighbours awesomeness. Everyone was home by 9pm and no one was drunk. Actually, it kind of teams up with the Neighbours-ness of Toadie's buck’s party, which was held at Charlie’s Bar one afternoon and finished… shortly later that afternoon. I guess that’s what happens when (a) you aren’t marrying your girlfriend, (b) you have no mates, and (c) you let a ten-year old organise it for you.

And because there was one shit wedding going on, it got Ringo’s tiny little mind whirring, so he decided to propose to Hot Donna. AAAAAAAAAAAW.

Ringo's proposal required a few things:
1. He had to actually ask her to date him.
2. He had to gain approval from her father.
3. Hot Donna had to track down her father who had not contacted her for 18 years.

So Hot Donna’s dad gave Ringo the all-clear to date his daughter, but warned him “not to fuck her around again like he did last time.” Ringo agreed to these terms and conditions, signed the contract and handed over his soul, including the part of him that remembers watching Hot Donna have sex with the Sometimes Scottish Son of Paul Robinson on the internet. But you know, as long as he doesn’t hurt her again, they should be fine.

Ringo, by the way, is currently on his billionth job since leaving school last year – he has become a musician, then he was a paramedic until a chick he resuscitated became infatuated with him and started stalking him, so he quit to become a brick-laying apprentice. Apparently being a brickie pays fairly sweetly, because he proposed to Hot Donna with a diamond that had seventeen visible satellites orbiting it.

Hot Donna herself has had an interesting few weeks as well, having just recovered from being involved in a horrible accident on Ringo’s worksite that required immediate brain surgery. How they managed to crack her noggin open and fix up the grey matter without ruining her hair is beyond me, but that’s the fucking wonder miracles of Dr Karl. I can’t wait for the episode when he announces that he is the son of God.

My thoughts for the future:
.. Libby will find out about Steph’s dirty little secret.
.. Zeke will continue to be awesome in everything he does, including carrying a crate of records with him wherever he goes. Someone should tell the props guy that a radio DJ is different to being a club DJ with turntables and shit. I'm pretty sure Zeke's radio station isn't playing the latest Guy Sebastian single on vinyl.
.. Harry will become an international basketball star. One cameo by Andrew Gaze just wasn’t enough for me.
.. Paul will club Libby’s ugly child to death with his fake leg. Oh god please.