another day, another crowbar

I am not, at time of writing, a celebrity. And I will tell you why – it has nothing to do with talent or looks or marketing. It is because I am not a whore.

Celebrities go on chat shows with Oprah and Ellen and Letterman and talk about what’s going on in their life. I have no problem with rich people doing rich person things, but it’s when they expect applause for every fucking little thing they do, that I get pissed off.

“So what did you do for your holidays?”
“After filming ‘Another Shit Movie 4’, I felt like I needed a break, so I headed to the unspoilt tropical paradise of the Caribbean with my family for a few months. It was just what we needed, you know, swimming with dolphins and relaxing for eighteen hours a day on the beach.”
“Well you thoroughly deserved it; your role ‘Another Shit Movie 4’ is being touted as one of the hardest characters you’ve ever played.”
“That’s right, it was very difficult. I had to do a lot of research, you know, reading and such, to really understand the character. I even met with people who had been through similar experiences to my character and spoke to them about it. Yeah, it was a really tough time.”
*audience applauds*
“Well, you were paid over $10 million to do this film, but it sounds like you really earned your money.”
“Oh definitely. I mean, filming took a couple of weeks, like, five or six weeks. And it was intense. Some of the scenes were really late at night, others were very early in the morning, plus I had to have my make-up and hair done every day – sometimes more than once a day – which was really hard as well.”
“I understand you were injured while filming?”
“Yeah, that’s correct – it’s a really intense scene on a boat where I fall into the water. And the water was really cold. When I fell in, the cold water shocked me so much that I thrashed around a bit too much - I went into shock - and scratched my arm on the protective harness I was wearing. But you know, these things happen and after a bit of time back on land, I was like, 'You know what? Let’s just film this scene.'”
*audience applauds*
“You also had a baby recently, am I right?”
“That’s right as well – my wife and I recently welcomed our baby Arizona D’Artagnan Makynzie.”
*audience applauds*
“Thanks, thanks a lot. It was a really special time.”
“And how is Arizona going with the family?”
“Just great. She is sleeping a few hours a night – “
“Just like you, am I right?”
“—haha yeah, exactly. I mean it’s hard, passing her onto our live-in nanny, but with a yoga-lates class early the next morning, I really do need my eight hours. It's true what they say, being a parent is very hard work. But you know what? I wouldn't change a damn thing.”
*audience applauds*
“You’re preaching to the converted, my friend! Ladies and gentleman, please thank special guest Over Paid Actor!”
*audience applauds*