NRL 2020 Round 20: Mad Monday Eve

Well, we did it.  We managed to make it through an entire year of National NRL Rugby League, and we only had half a dozen players arrested; probably because the rest of them are in wheelchairs or have broken necks or are still working through their Head Injury Assessment tests.

The more astute readers may have noticed that I did not have a blog for last round.  The less astute of you may not have realised that I actually do write this every week, and the least astute may not have even known that this blog even exists, or know what "astute" means.  Let's just say that I did manage to pick last week's full round of winners as well as correctly guessing each winning margin.  So basically, just another day for me really.

This round marks the end of the regular NRL season, so "thanks for coming" to the rabble propping up the ladder and making the Sharks occasionally appear as an almost decent team of satisfactory players performing to the absolute bare minimum at random points this year.  Better luck next year, maybe you guys could try sacking your coach more often, or even get some results out of marquee players that you're paying millions of dollars instead of rewarding them with Ooshies for them to not influence the game at all.  I have a glitter Mandalorian Ooshie, by the way.  Don't be jealous.  

We will also farewell a deadset legend of the game, whose career at Origin level was unparalleled, and his efforts on the field - not just in terms of ball playing, but his leadership and sportsmanship - were testaments to the legacy that he is leaving behind.  Tim Glasby, thank you for your service.

Tim Glasby - QLD forward and part time speed bump has announced his retirement 

Round 20 will also see the final appearance of Darius Boyd, as he sets himself for a swansong performance of arm waving and appealing to the referee for one last time as a player.  During his long career, Darius has actually been described as "pretty good", which is a fair way off from his form over the last couple of seasons, where he looked more like the player I am controlling in a FIFA video game when I forget which colour I am, but hold down the "sprint" button for the entire game.  

The last round of the season is always a tricky one to pick, as the sides leaving the comp have nothing but pride, contract negotiations and SuperCoach points to play for, and the sides heading into finals are just trying to avoid having their best players' ACLs getting shifted up their bumholes, so they rest them and name a bunch of blokes from the pub to play instead.  

Round 20

Brisbane Broncos vs North Queensland Cowboys

Well this is it - the first chance that the Broncos have to take out the Wooden Spoon since their inception in 1988.  It's not every game that the Cowboys are favourites to win - probably because they're fucking terrible - but they will have the support of every Bronco-fucking-hating NRL punter in Australia, plus a few pissed-off Brissy supporters, to make sure that they end this dismal season for the Horsies in the way they deserve.

Gold Coast Titans vs Newcastle Knights

The Tits have actually been doing really well the last few games, and have strung together four wins in a row, not only breaking a Gold Coast record, but also winning their first ever match of Connect Four.  This one could be an interesting match, as the Knights are struggling for consistency and will be desperate to prove themselves as contenders, and the best way to do that is to beat up a kid smaller than you.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

The Roosters have named a pretty full-strength side to take on the Bunnies in a game that means literally fuck all, so we could be seeing a fairly relaxed approach to the game; look for Luke Keary to avoid all forms of contact.  Also look for Liam Knight to go hunting for him.  Fuck it, no one likes Knight anyway, so he might as well kill a bloke.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Penrith Panthers

In a perfect world, the Doggies would win this one to ensure that Brisbane finish last.  In the real world, though, they'll probably lose by 20.  

Cronulla Sharks vs Canberra Raiders

The Raiders are pulling no punches this week, naming superstars like Matt Timoko and Matt Frawley (and probably other blokes not called Matt too) to take on the all-conquering Cronulla team.  Fun fact: if the Sharks win, it will be their first victory over a side in the top eight all year.  I'm tipping Cronulla to win this one; the Raiders' side has less first-grade experience than Soliola has had facial fractures this year.

Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels

Ugh, this game is going to suck.  Two teams so desperate to regain a semblance of domination is going to lead to wild cut-out passes into the fourth row of the crowd and ridiculous tackles.  It could be entertaining, but in the same way that watching cock fights is; you're only in it for the cultural experience and free nuggets at the end.

New Zealand Warriors vs Manly Sea Eagles

Go you Warriors.  A tough year for them, after being forced into lockdown in a foreign country where they don't speak the language or understand the nuances behind our culture, being forced to watch The Masked Singer only to have the final reveal be the chick who used to go out with Brax on Home and Away about ten years ago.  It's been rough.  The Sea Eagles have also had their fair share of bad luck, with Turbo Tom Trbojevic being rushed back from snapping his leg in half last week, only to rip his arm off.  Luckily, he has still declared himself "fit for Origin", so coach Freddy Fittler will have a tough decision to make in how he announces that Turbo will not be required to leave his iron lung prematurely.  I'd do it by text, myself, but that's because I'm a purist.

St George Dragons vs Melbourne Storm

Oh god can this season just end please?  Wait, it is.  The Storm have named a less-than-100% team for this hit out, but I don't think they will be troubled too much in any case; remember when the Dragons lost against their own reserve-grade side?  I do.  It wasn't even that long ago.

NRL 2020 Round 18: Classic Chad

In nature, there are traditionally two schools of thought on how best to survive in the wild - fight or flight.  Basically explained, it describes how you would react in a confrontation; depending on your position in the food chain, it might be better to evade predators by running or flying away, climbing a tree, or hiding.  For others, they have found that the best form of defense is attack, and will use their size or strength to overcome a predator.  An antelope, for instance, will run away when a lion is sniffing around, whereas a rhinoceros would most likely challenge a predator to a bit of argy-bargy instead of resorting to a quick jog to safety.

In the NRL, players have a similar approach to their work.  Some are more adept at flight, such as Josh Addo-Carr, who is roughly on par with The Flash, while others like Josh Papalli would prefer to just knock over anyone in his path.  

There are certain special players though, who possess both the fight and flight instincts, such as Chad Townsend.  Chad made headlines this week following his "tackle" on Kalyn Ponga during last week's loss to Newcastle.  I have included a clip below.  note:  I have been made aware that some video clips aren't showing up on mobile phones when accessing this blog, so you might be wondering what the fuck I'm talking about when I slip a video in.  I don't know what to do, I've asked Bill Gates, Zuckerberg and that Wozniak bloke to look into it.

When questioned about his controversial hit on Ponga, which was performed from an offside position, in an illegal shoulder-charge, was aimed at the head, and delivered after the play had actually been stopped, Chad's response was that he was startled by the referee's whistle, and he leapt into the air just as Ponga was coming towards him.  He braced for impact and that's what caused the ugly contact.  So what we have here, nature lovers, is Chad Townsend attempting to take off and fly away from danger while simultaneously attacking the head of the person or object nearest to him.  It's a unique evolutionary trait, and is probably slightly more useful than flinging poo at people.

There is an argument, however, that if the sound of a whistle scares you that much, maybe being a professional football player is not the best career choice.  Other jobs Chad should avoid in the future include directing traffic, being a marching band instructor, train conductor, anything to do with birds, and playing Captain Von Trapp in The Sound of Music.  

Round 18

Wests Tigers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

The Rabbits were very impressive last week, and should carry on the job again this round.  I am expecting them to sprint out to a 20-0 lead before ordinary defensive efforts close to the line let the Tigers back into it.  Alex Johnston is usually a good bet to score a bunch of tries, but will probably lose control of a simple pass with an unchecked path to the tryline with about five minutes to go.  Nevertheless, the Bunnies will hold on and probably win by 2.  

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Manly Sea Eagles

The fairytale we all want is for the Broncos to win their first ever Wooden Spoon, and in order for that to happen, the Bulldogs need to win at least one more game.  It's up to Manly to keep the dream alive, but because it's Manly, they'll probably win this game to annoy everyone.

Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels

The Panthers put on a deadset training run last week, and still managed to comfortably win, rarely spreading the ball to their strike players and just hitting the ball up for some safe, albeit boring, football.  Hopefully this week they try to stave off the snoozefest and pump the everliving fuck out of the Eels.

St George Dragons vs Mighty Fuckoff Canberra Raiders

The Dragons are not to be underestimated - they have managed to put in some decent performances this year, and have been mostly competitive despite, you know, losing a lot.  I'm hoping that the Raiders use this game as an opportunity to bounce back from last week's disappointing loss and fuck some shit up.  

Gold Coast Titans vs Brisbane Broncos

It's a true battle for Queensland supremacy as the perennial "little brother" Titans aim to continue the season of woe for the wonky donkey Broncos.  I'm predicting a huge step up from Brissy this week, and I feel terrible, but I am going to tip them.  I'm sorry.  I feel like I've let everyone down.  

Sydney Roosters vs Newcastle Knights

The Roosters struggled through 70 minutes of football last week, relying on Sonny Bill Williams to come on for 10 minutes to inspire them.  I think most people in the world were in awe of SBW, to be honest, including people who have never seen him before, or even know what rugby league is.  Fun fact:  Sonny Bill can cure coronavirus and restore people's faith in Christmas simply by sitting on the bench all game.

Melbourne Storm vs North QLD Cowboys

This one could get embarrassing for the Cows.  Here's hoping.

Cronulla Sharks vs New Zealand Warriors

Carn you Warriors.  Everyone's favourite "they're not my team, but I hope they do well" team, while Cronulla are quickly becoming everyone's favourite "they're not Manly, but I hate them just as much" team.  Both teams are still vying for a spot in the finals, and to be honest, it won't matter which one makes it through as they will be eliminated in the first round anyway.  But uh... go Warriors.

NRL Round 17: Thank you, Brisbane

 It's pretty rare that other NRL clubs would thank another team at any point during the season, but I think a few might need to send a bottle of wine and a box of Cadbury's Favourites over to the Brisbane Broncos once the 2020 season has come to a broken, bloodied end.  

Teams like the Bulldogs and the Cowboys should fire up the barbecue and invite a few of the Broncs around for a couple of snags and a few beers while the cricket is on, and thank them personally for being not only fucking terrible, but for being so fucking terrible that they have basically been able to be just as fucking terrible but not have anyone really give a fuck.  The fact that both the Dogs and the Cows have fired their coaches is completely irrelevant; they didn't perform before they were sacked, and they haven't performed since.  If this was a Scooby Doo episode, Fred and the gang would have tied up Paul Green to remove his mask and reveal that it was the entire Cowboys squad all along.  And they would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling opposition players.  Zoinks and jinkies.

The Broncos not only haven't been winning an awful lot this year, it's not even the way that they have been losing that's amazing to watch, it's the shit that is going on in the in-bred Game of Thrones-style boardroom management sessions behind the scenes that's the real story.  The coach had the"full support" of the Broncos board, then he had five games to turn the season around, then he was fired a week later.  The team is about as divided as any sporting club could ever be, with senior players breaking rank to talk shit about the coach to the media, fucking about with obvious isolation restrictions, ripping up their contracts to head off to other clubs, threatening to leave and then having the poorest judgement to talk to the media and admit that illegal third-party-payments were missing.  Meanwhile, the same bunch of fucking idiots are turning up and putting on a jersey every week, missing tackles and dropping balls and not giving a flying fuck, because they still get their money at the end of the day, regardless of how often they're getting fucked over by 50 points.

At least the other teams fighting it out to win the Wooden Spoon this year occasionally look like they're trying, and shit performances aren't ignored by the "old boys" running the club because half the team buys their coke off them anyway.

I mean, that's probably a bit much to thank a few guys for over a burnt sausage and a chicken skewer that still has flecks of alfoil sticking to it, but they could probably build up to that by the second innings of the cricket (Australia in early trouble, but put on a respectable total thanks to a middle-order fightback from Smith and Labuschange, by the way).  

Round 17

Brisbane Broncos vs Penrith Panthers

If this was a Disney movie about the determined underdog coming up against the high-flying contenders, the Broncos would still lose.  If the Panthers turn up and don't get distracted in the second half like they've been doing lately, we could see a new world record set tonight.  Kikau and Crichton will be the first players to score 10 tries each in a game.  

Newcastle Knights vs Cronulla Sharks

Newcastle have been playing like balls lately, and I'm pointing a big fat finger at Mitchell Pearce and Kalyn Ponga, who are both starting to believe their own hype and wondering why the defense isn't parting like Moses through the Red Sea.  Probably because they're not Jesus' second cousin or however Moses got his super powers in the Bible.  I skipped the part between Genesis and Revelations.  

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Melbourne Storm

This game has the definite possibility of maybe becoming a potential candidate for what may be perhaps the Game of the Round.  The Rabbits looked shit hot last week, and could surprise the Storm here.  I'm tipping the Storm, but only because I just need to get this done really quickly and it's the Storm, so...  you know.  They do tend to win a lot.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Wests Tigers

Nobody cares about this game, probably not even the players.  They should just play against each other in a game of Rugby League Live on Playstation and I think it would provide more entertainment.

Mighty Canberra Milk Raiders WOO vs Sydney Roosters

Well, the countdown to Sonny Bill's NRL revival is almost over, with Fox Sports delivering us a channel dedicated to what will most likely be Sonny Bill sitting on the bench for sixty minutes before copping a Hudson Young special right in the retina.  Welcome back, you fucking slug.  I also think the Roosters will win, and that makes me sad.  The Raiders have been too slow to wake the fuck up in games this year, and they can't afford to hit the snooze button against this bunch of show pony pretty boys.  I reckon we'll hurt a few Chooks players in the meantime though.

New Zealand Warriors vs Parramatta Eels

Well the Eels have let everyone down lately.  I'm not only mad, I'm also disappointed and hungry.  Here's fucking cheers to a Warriors win.  

North Queensland Cowboys vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Well, someone has to win, right?  Why not the slightly less shit team?

My new man-crush at the Raiders, Mr Tom Starling.  He's also about a foot shorter than me, so I can still be big spoon.