On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Seven bumper stickers

Frangipani stickers are everywhere. I have no idea where they sprung up from all of a sudden, but they’re here, and when they’re stuck to your car, it means they’re there forever. I’m surprised no-one’s started selling other flower bumper stickers to compete with the monopoly created by frangipanis. I’d put a geranium sticker on my back window, but I like driving a car that doesn’t look fucked.

Magic Happens is possibly the best sticker in the history of the world. It says everything that you can’t quite find the words for, especially if those words are “magic” and “happens”. I guess this sticker is really popular with David Blaine and David Copperfield. Possibly other Davids as well – it might not just be a David thing (who knows? It’s all part of the mystery and magic of the sticker). I’ve known people to buy a car simply because it has a “Magic Happens” sticker on it.

Bitch stickers are always helpful as well, just in case you were thinking about trying to pick up the chick next to you at the lights. You look over; she gives you the eye and a suggestive smile. You wind down your window to have a quick chat, and then you see it: “Bitch”, written in gothic font across the back of her car. You wind your window back up and take off quickly; that was close. You almost talked to a bitch, man.

I love cars with a good Jesus fish sticker as well. I think it’s the idea of Jesus protecting that car from other non-Jesus-fish stickered cars that appeals to me. If you have a car with a fish sticker, I’m going to drive really close to you, just in case there’s a meteor shower or an escaped rhinoceros or Godzilla has risen from Lake Burley Griffin. Protect me, Jebus fish!

Some people are proud of their local footy team; I’m all for that, I love my Raiders as much as I’d love an illegitimate red-haired stepchild. Some people are so proud that they fill up their whole car with praise for their heroes. The most fanatical of the sporting team bumper sticker brigade are people from Victoria; in particular, Collingwood Magpies supporters. I don’t really know too much about AFL at all, except that the Adelaide Crows are the kings of the sport, regardless of where they finished on the ladder, and Collingwood fans love bumper stickers. They don’t stop at one “Go Pies!” sticker on their car – they’ve got the whole collection. Everything from “The Magpies give me CollingWOOD!”, “I support the Magpies – deal with it or I’ll headbutt you!”, “The Pies Fly High In 05!” and the inevitable “Don’t follow me; I’m on my way to a Collingwood game!” Don’t worry tiger, I’m not following you; your “God loves Collingwood” bumper sticker is the next best thing to a Jesus fish.

If you can read this, you’re too close! Clever. Very clever. I read the first five words, but I had to get a bit closer to you to see the rest. Now I feel foolish for falling for your elaborate prank.

Political cars are always a treat. I love seeing a car who votes Green, or a “No war in my name” bumper sticker. This way, I know that the driver of that car isn’t Howard the Duck, it’s not Warwick Capper, Dionne Warwick, it’s not Warren Beatty, Shane Warne, or Andy Warhol. I like to know the owner of the car before I start ramming into them.

Seven bumper stickers, six Ponting problems, five drinking games, four random reviews, three ways to get rich, too many beers and a bright shiny new crowbar.