NRL 2014 Round 24: Whoever wins doesn’t lose

Another Thursday night game this week, just to make sure that rugby league audiences are glued to their TVs until after 1am while they wait for the Channel 9 coverage of ads for The Block Glasshouse, brand new episodes of the Big Bang Theory and Australia’s favourite drama, House Husbands, to finish, before the two-and-a-half-hour live broadcast of Erin Molan making unscripted awkward television on the NRL Footy Show begins.

I’ve never watched House Husbands, but based on what I can gather from the ads for it, I’m not missing too much.  It looks like it’s doing its best to break down discrimination against short men dating tall women though, so I guess that’s a good thing… if you’re a short man.  Or a tall woman.  If it keeps Gary Sweet off the streets, it can only be a good thing. 

You could pretty much sit on your couch, watch Channel 9 for five hours and not know one thing about the NRL tonight.  You may have a craving for KFC and a strange desire to put a sneaky $5 on JT to score against the Bunnies.  The coverage of the footy has gone to shit - too many ads, the commentators are crap, the Footy Show is hosted by two blokes who act as if they haven't watched a game since 1987, and they spend most of the game jerking each other off about who loves Jarrod Hayne and Sam Burgess more.  It would make sense if either of those players were participating in the match.       

In things that actually did happen in league this week, ASADA investigations regarding performance-enhancing drug taking at the Cronulla Sharks team amped up this week, with seventeen players fingered (hehehe) by the Drug Squad, including five current Sharkies players.  For fuck’s sake, they’re coming last, I think it’s safe to say that their drugs didn’t work.  If the players are found guilty, they could be suspended for a period of six months to two years… with the start of their ban beginning at the end of this season.  So basically while there’s no sport on, they are banned from playing sport.  Whether they’re also banned from taking better drugs has not been commented on. 

Round 24

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers

Parramatta Eels vs Manly Sea Eagles

Brisbane Broncos vs Newcastle Knights

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

New Zealand Warriors vs Sydney Roosters

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Gold Coast Titans

Penrith Panthers vs Melbourne Storm

A few tricky games to pick in this mix – the Tigers are going about as badly as any team in the history of the game has gone, so I’m anticipating some more tears for them this weekend.  Wayne Bennett teams Brisbane and Newcastle will clash, and despite a late-season run of form from the Knights, I don’t think they’ll be able to keep it up (that’s what she said).  In other news from the Broncos camp, Josh Hoffman was cleared of a broken leg, but will miss three weeks with a sprained ankle.  Ben Barba was also declared dead by the same doctor, but was later found to be “sleeping.”  Nice work, Broncos.

I hate the Roosters, so I’m not tipping them, and the biggest “ah fuck man” game this week for me is Penrith vs Melbourne – the Pennies are doing it well at the moment, but Melbourne have that rare quality that means you can never write them off – cheating – and even though I think it’ll come back to bite me (and receive three weeks at the judiciary), I’m tipping the Storm. 

Game of the Round

 Cronulla Sharks vs Canberra Raiders

All eyes are on the mighty Canberra Raiders for their Canberra Appreciation Month showdown against the Cronulla Sharks, as they battle to stay off the bottom of the ladder.

It has been an interesting week for the Raiders, as under fire coach Ricky Stuart keeps making excuses for his under-performing team, citing that “there are no state or international players” and “Canberra’s a bit shit” and “I have no idea what I’m doing.” 

I haven’t coached a football team before either, Rick, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually your job to get the players to state and international level.  I don’t think Greg Inglis just walked into the first training session at the Melbourne Storm and said, “Hi, I’m a Queensland Origin player.” (basically because he’s from NSW, but we’ll let that slide).  I’m not sure telling your players that they’re not up to scratch is the way to get their confidence up either, especially considering that Papalii is an Origin player, Campese represented NSW and Australia just a few years ago and Milford & Croker were in their respective states’ squads this year, with Shaun Fensom just missing out on rep duties.  On the other hand, the Penrith Panthers don’t have any current rep players in their team either, but they have decided to concentrate on playing football instead of blaming other teams for being better than them. 

Reports are that Terry Campese has been stood down from the club, yet banned from discussing joining another club arose this week.  At this late stage, still no one fucking knows what’s going on, but Campese had this to say a short while ago.  “Yeah, nah.  [Just] looking [forward] you know, to [the] game [and] that, boys have trained [well and] if we [play to our game] plan, dig deep and give [110%], we should come away [with] the points.”

If the story is true, it will be a sad way for Campo to end his career, possibly a bit earlier than he intended, but earning $500,000 to play amateur league probably wouldn’t be too terrible either.  Fuck it, he can have my job and I’ll do his if he’s that upset by it. 

The Raiders are also going to be without Jordan Rapana for the remaining games of the season, who managed to FRACTURE HIS SKULL last week.  Stand-in-captain and retiring prop Brett White was also forced to pull out of the match, while Sharkies hard-man Andrew Fifita broke his arm.  The wooden spoon match could well be determined by whichever team still has a player standing.  And for me, that team will be Canberra.  It’s guaranteed (it’s not).

FUCK YES

NRL 2014 Round 23: The Grubs Don't Work

Are the fans beginning to vote with their bums on the state of the NRL this year?  And by that, I mean by attending games – you know, the whole “bums on seats” analogy.  Crowd sizes are down this year, with the lowest point coming on Monday night’s fiasco between the Roosters and whoever they played.  The Titans.  Yep.  The game itself was described by the media as a “decent game,” although no crowd members were available for comment… because THEY WEREN’T THERE.  There would have been more people selling pies than eating them.  The crowd figure of 4,500 would have been inflated by the number of players and officials who went through the turnstile.  The cheerleaders accounted for about 20% of the attendees.

Why?  Other than the fact that it’s the Roosters vs the Titans, why wouldn’t a top-four team be able to draw a crowd?  Surely there are enough faithful Chooks supporters out there who would be willing to watch “a decent game” of league?

Here’s why:  Monday night football is fucking stupid, no matter where you go or who you play.  Weekday games are never going to work.  It was nice of the NRL to give it a crack for a few years, but I think we can safely say that no one’s interested anymore.  It’s just lucky that this week they’ve deemed it to be a “good idea” to bung a game on Thursday night (that’s tonight).  If the NRL is seriously dedicated to not attracting people to their games, they should put on Tuesday afternoon matches that start at 2:30pm. 

The other reason is that the game is seriously full of dickheads, and no one wants to watch dickheads, regardless of their success.  The Canterbury Doggies are this week’s prime example.  After living la vida loca for most of the year, the wheels have officially come off the Bankstown Bandwagon, and I point a big, fat finger at Josh Reynolds. 

Jeynolds was picked in the NSW Origin team this year, following early success from the Dogs, and the fact that Mitchell Pearce was busy “helping police with their investigations” following an “incident” at a local “nightspot” with a “woman.”  To say that Jeynolds had no impact at all on the game would be going too far – the series was boring in that Paul Gallen and Greg Bird demanded the ball in the middle of the field and refused to pass it.  Queensland, being the inbred simpletons that they are, played a similar game.  I’m not sure why they didn’t, you know, play offense instead of run into a brick wall, but that’s by the by now.  Well done, NSW, you officially bored everyone to death to achieve a series victory. 

Since then, Jeynolds has been shit on stilts.  He was suspended for a shoulder charge following the snoozefest of Origin, and has been severely lacking since his return… until last week’s game against the Broncos, where he was cited twice for tripping and finally sent to the sin bin for a high tackle.  He then went into the naughty corner and continued to channel his frustration at not being good at football through his foot. 

To be fair, it was the best kick he’d landed all night.  #riseforchair

Somehow, the judiciary decided that it wasn’t all that bad, and downgraded his tripping offences to a “grade 2” and so he’ll only miss a ninja turtle handful of games. 

THAT IS FUCKED.  What the fuck is a grade two trip?  What do you need to do to get a grade five charge?  Gaffa tape some steak knives to your shoes?  Dig a small trench in the field and cover it up with leaves?  The less game-time that these fucking blights on sport receive, the better.  Fuck off Reynold, fuck off Ennis, fuck off Cam Smith.  Shut up, Toovey, fuck up Hasler and fuck you Farah.  Eat a dick Burgess (all of them), choke on a dick Hodges and cop a dick Matai. 

Get rid of em and let’s make rugby league interesting again. 

Round 23

Here’s hoping that Souths keep their good form from last week (nicely done, lads) and that the Bulldogs continue their downward spiral to keep the Raiders and the Sharks company at the bottom of the ladder.  I think the Cowbs are showing some of the best form they’ve ever had (like, totes, forever) and at this stage everyone should be all “oh shit man we have to play the Cowboys next Tuesday at 8 in the morning in a Hobart exhibition game and I can’t play because I have a broken… thing… and it hurts and I really don’t want to play because we’ll lose.”  Everyone else is by the books.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Brisbane Broncos

Parramatta Eels vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Melbourne Storm vs Cronulla Sharks

Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters

Newcastle Knights vs New Zealand Warriors

Gold Coast Titans vs Manly Sea Eagles

Penrith Panthers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Lucky Canberra Appreciation Month is back in full-swing with the only game that any of the Raiders players actually wants to win at the moment – the hoodoo of the Dragons being unable to win in Raiders territory, a tradition that has been going on since the dawn of time since 2001 or something. 

If there has ever been a better chance for the Dragons to break the duck, it’s now.  The Raiders are playing rubbish, have a handful of injured players unavailable, and have Ricky Stuart guiding them.  The Dragons are playing moderately well, Benji Marshall is back to his average best, and Josh Dugan has only been arrested twice this month.  So basically, they are decidedly mediocre, which unfortunately for the Green Machine, will still be about 14 points too many.  

"Show me exactly where you touched her."

Canberra Appreciation Month 2014: MEBCAM IS BACK

WOO IT'S TOTALLY CANBERRA APPRECIATION MONTH (halfway through it, to be honest) BUT AS I ALWAYS SAY, "SORRY, COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT!"

Here is an ode to Canberra that concentrates on an aspect of Canberra life that apparently doesn't happen anywhere else in the world... 

The mention of Canberra always warms up my soul

Which is pretty handy cos it’s a cold little hole

Especially the temperatures this week, am I right?

It was minus-fucking-eight the other fucking night.

You wake up and greet endless clear skies of blue

And you think of the options for all you can do

Except it’s a “Canberra day” that looks warm enough

But it’s so cold outside that you freeze your dick off

To say Canberra gets cold during the seven winter months 

Would be an understatement and nothing rhymes with months

I really shouldn’t have tried to rhyme something with months

Fucking hell I’ve done it again months months months.

The city is quiet during winter, it’s true

And the reason this happens is Catch twenty-two

The shops shut their doors because there’s no one around

And no one’s around because the shops have closed down.

Everyone complains, “I am fucking frozen!

But it looks like we might be in for some snow soon.”

But don’t get your skis or your snowboards out yet

A snow drop in Canberra is hardly a threat (something about latitude, apparently).

So when the wind's blowing and you’re out in the cold

And you just need some refuge before the frostbite takes hold

There’s a place you can go that's a home to the lost

Mooseheads is there for you, sober or sloshed.

When all other nightlife has succumbed to the air

Mooseheads is open to answer your prayers

Where you could get in a fight or drink a tranquiliser

And all the vodka taste like hand sanitiser.

So it’s cold in the capital; it’s all part of the charm!

A little bit of winter never caused any harm

And it’s always good fun to take note of the weather

To see whether the Berra or Tassie is better.

NRL 2014 Round 22: Three years eh?

Hmmm.  Did you know that at the end of the year,Craig Bellamy will be the only coach in the NRL to have been at the same clubsince 2011?  Did you know that 2011 was only three years ago? 

Here’s a list of other things that happened in 2011:

• Amy Winehouse died.
• Charlie Sheen went fucking nuts.
• Katy Perry and Russell Brand got divorced.
• There was an earthquake in Japan that fucked up the Fukushima Nuclear Plant.
• Beyonce got pregnant.
• The final Harry Potter movie was released.
• Downton Abbey was popular.
• Osama bin Laden and Kim Jong-Il died. 
• That “Occupy Wall Street” movement started.  And ended.
• NASA concluded its space shuttle program.
• Manly beat the Warriors in the NRL Grand Final.  Holy shit, I remember that.  Holy shit, I should remember that - it was only three fucking years ago!

It might just be me, but I find it fucking weird that coaches switch clubs more often than Geoff Toovey changes tampons.  If a player had the lack of loyalty that coaches do (Sonny Bill, I’m looking at you, you overrated fuck), the fans wouldn’t have a bar of it.  How then, are the players supposed to play under a different structure, with different ideas, with new teammates and new police officers every few years and still perform to a high standard?  Sure, they should be able to catch a ball, tackle a player and not piss into their own face, but let’s be honest – these are rugby league players we’re dealing with.  It’s all colour and movement to most of these blokes.  And urine. 

Round 22:

I’m opting for the Manly people to beat the South Sydney people, just because I don’t trust Souths at the moment.  This is their chance to impress me.

The Doggies surely have enough spark to get out of their current slump and get up over the Broncos.  Surely they can.  It’s the Broncos!  Piece of piss.

Everyone is still underestimating the Panthers, which is weird, cause they’ve been top of the table for most of the year, and there’s about four rounds to go.  Maybe they’re not as shit as we thought?  (but maybe they are)

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles

Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Newcastle Knights vs Melbourne Storm

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Wests Tigers

St George Illawarra vs Penrith Panthers

New Zealand Warriors vs Cronulla Sharks

Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans

Game of the Round:

Parramatta Eels vs Canberra Raiders

To keep Canberra off the bottom of the ladder, the Sharks need to lose by less than twenty, and the Raiders need to only lost by 30 to remain in second last place.  Yes, that is what it has come down to. 

I was almost going to tip the Raiders (I’d had a bit to drink) and then remembered that they lost three of their best players last week, including the only bloke on the team who knows how to tackle.  If someone doesn’t step up into Fensom’s regular-sized shoe, we’re going to be in trouble.

Fuck it, we’re in trouble anyway.

Even Rugby League computer games know how it feels.  Here is Alan Tongue and Jarrod Croker's love child feeling sad

NRL 2014 Round 21: Apparently I Hate Ricky Stuart

Sorry for the delay in regular posting on here, there were technical issues and general life things getting in the way.  What do you mean “no one noticed”?  I’ll have you know there were at least three people who mentioned “hey Mister Evil Breakfast, where’s your blog this week?” and I can confirm that one of those people weren’t made up.

In any case, we’re up to motherfucking round 21 in the NRL for 2014.  Seriously.  And here’s me just thinking, “It’s ok, there’s still heaps of time to win games and sneak into the finals.”  Apparently there’s not that much time.  And apparently for the Raiders and the Sharks, they just fucking can’t.  It’s officially a battle for the wooden spoon from here on in, which is always fun.  Fuck it, if you can’t win the whole comp, better fight for your life to stay off the very bottom.

To be honest, the Raiders will probably win the coveted last place prize this year, and there would be few to say they don’t deserve it.  Let’s take into account the Cronulla Sharks, who have had a fairly fucking dreadful time of it this year:  they’ve had their coach suspended and every player under suspicion for drug peddling, had no major sponsor, were struck down by injuries as if it were biblical, and then were forced to sack their only good player because he took photos of himself pissing into his own mouth.

Seriously, if a team can cop that and still manage to win a handful of games, they don’t fucking deserve to come last.  The Raiders on the other hand, seem like they’re trying to lose:  they swapped an unsuccessful coach for the MOST unsuccessful coach, bought players that didn’t want to come to the team, held onto players who wanted to leave, were reluctant to rest players who were out of form and kept the one-way road to St George well and truly open. 

I love the Raiders a lot, and will never stop supporting them.  But fucking hell, boys.  You’re making it a bit hard sometimes.  When you drop the ball more times than a team with four Burgesses playing in it, you know something’s not quite right.  When the player who has scored more tries than anyone else in the comp receives the ball four times in the game (and scores on one of those occasions), there’s something wrong.  I would love to say that Ricky Stuart has some work to do in the off-season to get the team prepared for next year, but I don’t know if Ricky actually knows what to do to get a successful team on the field.  His last successful foray in coaching was with the Sydney Roosters back in 2000 and fuck-knows, of a team consisting of Fittler, Fitzgibbon, Fletcher, Minichello, Hodges, Mullins, Cayless, Morley, Crocker and Ricketson.  It probably wasn’t the hardest team to get across the line, just quietly.  Then he was given charge of the Australian team, who quickly and unceremoniously relinquished their kung-fu grip on the Rugby League World Cup for the first time since kung-fu grip was a thing.  Maybe any win he actually has is just a massive fluke?

It has been a while since back-to-back wins for Sticky Stuart

Ok, I’ve had a drink and I’m calm again now. 

In other news, NRL super commentator Ray “Rabs” Warren has just released his autobiography, and in keeping to strict Channel 9 protocol, has managed to do some cross classic promotion.  You can buy “The Voice” fromany Westfield shopping centre that the Voice contestants might be appearing at.  It is yet to be announced whether you get free KFC or a Big Bang Theory DVD with each purchase, so tune into this week's Block reveal for further details.  

On the field, the Broncos have finally almost declared that their collection of fullbacks is nearly complete, as the 2015 roster has no less than four already on the books.  Next year will see Ben Barba, Josh Hoffman, Anthony Milford and UK Super League recruit Greg Eden line up in the number one jersey, with Darius Boyd looking to make it a classic five-man effort as he tries to follow coach Wayne Bennett after announcing that he’s dropping a struggling Knights team to pick up a slightly-less-struggling Broncos outfit.  Bennett’s next plan will be to sign at least one forward.

Round 21:

Two scratchers this week – I’m tipping St George to upset the Roosters, who are playing as if they want to move to Canberra at the moment.  If they keep losing to shit-house teams, they might just find Ricky Stuart back at training. 

The other “hmmm” game for me is the Sharks vs the Eels, but that’s probably because I keep thinking that the battle between Jarryd Hayne and Andrew Ettinsghausen will be worth the price of admission alone, before I realise that ET probably retired before Hayne was born.  Just ignore me, it’s been a long week.

Sydney Roosters vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Gold Coast Titans

Cronulla Sharks vs Parramatta Eels

Manly Sea Eagles vs Brisbane Broncos

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Penrith Panthers

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Newcastle Knights

Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs New Zealand Warriors

The Warriors will reportedly be without my current man-crush Shaun Johnson, which has given Canberra fans the hope that they might not lost by quite as much this time.  The last time these two teams played, the Kiwis notched up a half-century, and I hate to say that I don’t expect it to be too much different this weekend.

Sorry Raiders.  You know I love you.  

NRL 2014 Round 19: Thorpedoed

In typical fashion, I tipped a full round last week… and forgot to post a blog with my predictions and hilarious insights into the world. 

In a nutshell, the last fortnight has entailed:

The Sharks beat the Roosters, Lote Tuquiri was one of Souths best players, Josh Papali threw a bottle ofmoisturising lotion at some bloke, Darius Boyd cemented the notion that league players are all fucking idiots, the Wolfman has been banned from playing for tipping himself (plus he would’ve lost a couple of bucks on a wasted bet), the Warriors pushed in a scrum and scored, and Wayne Bennett has decided that he doesn’t want to coach a team whose average age is older than him. 

There was also a great example of "what the fuck am I going to do now?" from outside the world of rugby league, yet I think that many of our boofheaded heroes can learn from. Ian Thorpe, former Aussie swimming champion has clarified what everyone in the whole world ever suspected, and cares fuck all about, in that he is indeed gay.  I’m not sure whether it was the fact that Thorpie was never seen with women during his swimming career or that he opted to go into designing pearl necklaces (hehehe), but I just don’t really think anyone cares who an ex-swimmer is knocking flippers with anyway. 

To me, it’s a desperate act for Ian Thorpe to remain relevant, and he did it in a dick way, by going to the most popular and most-watched (and probably highest paying) interviewer, Michael Parkinson.  What’s up, Thorpie, isn’t Ray Martin good enough?  Karl Stefanovic?  That chick off 60 Minutes?

Personally, I’ve never liked Ian Thorpe.  I didn’t like him when he was swimming, I didn’t like him when he wasn’t, I didn’t like him when he wasn’t gay and I don’t like him now that he is.  He just seems like a tool.  Yes, the bloke can tread water like a boss, but I don’t think that’s much of a substitute for personality.  He tried to host a shithouse tv show, tried to make a swimming comeback, tried to be the people’s champion again, and it didn’t work.  Maybe he didn’t quite realise that staring at a black line on the bottom of a pool can only get you so far, especially to the fickle Australian sporting community.  Once your use-by date is gone, you get chucked out with the rest of the old vegetables and empty milk containers. 

What Thorpie really needed to do was to line something up for his post-swimming life.  A job.  An education.  A personality.  Fuck it, if that Hackett dickhead can get a gig hosting Wide World of Sports every Sunday, and faffing off around the world to commentate on swimming meets, then surely there’s something out there for Thorpie to do, other than his current occupation, which is TO BE GAY. 

It’s something that every pro athlete in Australia needs to think about.  Once you hit that magic age where your injuries don’t heal as well, your technique starts to falter, or you just get plain tired, you need a Plan B.  There’s only so long that the public will want to see you, so there’s only so long that your sponsors will want you to be seen with them. 

Good luck with the next month of interviews for Women’s Day and New Idea.  Hope you invest the cash well so we don’t need to see you in a see-through fluoro string vest at Mardi Gras.

 I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

Round 19

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Parramatta Eels vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Sydney Roosters vs Penrith Panthers

Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders

Brisbane Broncos vs New Zealand Warriors

Newcastle Knights vs Gold Coast Titans

Wests Tigers vs Canterbury Bulldogs

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

NRL 2014 Round 17: Back to normal

After a tumultuous week for rugby league which saw Todd Carney pissing metaphorically over his career and literally over his face, State of Origin has reared its head for the third time this year and to restore some pride and respectability back to the sport.  

Queensland player Will Chambers is facing assault charges following an incident at a nightclub on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.

I knew I could rely on the NRL to provide me with something to write about.  I'm not sure if it's the assault charge or the fact that the players were in a nightclub on a Tuesday that impresses me more.  QLD coach Mal "That's Big Mal To You" Meninga has stated that investigations into the incident won't have an effect on training or the players, which is probably true, as they're all probably used to "helping police with their enquiries" by now.

The NRL then went out of its way to announce that they were investigating pretty much the entire league regarding illegal betting.  Not like betting on cock fighting; more like betting on the games that they were playing in.  Placing bets like "I bet there will be a field goal in this game" and "I bet Shaun Kenny-Dowell will have a shit match."  Could be interesting to see who gets "rested" from their games in the upcoming weeks.  "I bet that Cameron Smith will be rested for quite some time" is paying $2.    

Round 17

The NRL are a bunch of fucking fucktards who think they're so fucking clever by putting on what will probably be a Grand Final preview with the Doggies taking on the Manlies... only they've scheduled it during  the Origin period where neither of the teams good players will be actually taking the field.  It makes the fans feel like they're getting a good match, but they're really, really not.  It's about time that the NRL started giving the fans what they want, not what the NRL wants the fans to want.  Things like Justice Crew and The Voice contestants.  Even the fact that the national anthem is always sung by some dickhead who just happens to be appearing in a musical that's touring the country and has been "receiving reviews".  We're sick of the constant fucking advertising.  

Anyway.  Onto the  games.

The dickhead Dogs will lose, because their worst players are worse than Manly's worst (and that's saying something).  The Cowboys will lost because they travel worse than Schapelle Corby.  The Sharks will lose, because, you know, they're the Sharks (you should feel bad, Broncos).  The Tigers will lose because the Panthers won't, and the Titans will lose because that's just how they roll. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles

St George-Illawarra Dragons vs North Queensland Cowboys          

Sydney Roosters vs Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks      

Wests Tigers vs Penrith Panthers       

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Gold Coast Titans

Greg Bird and Luke Lewis bring the manliness back to rugby league with a game of slap n tickle

Todd Carney - Urethra dickhead or sick, but urine some trouble

The story on everyone’s lips mind this week is the sacking of Todd Carney by the Cronulla Sharks, following a photo on social media that went viral, depicting young Toddles pissing into his own mouth. 

Joey Johns, a rugby league immortal, one of the world’s sharpest minds and a confessed drug user throughout his career, doesn’t understand why Carney was sacked, saying, “He isn’t hurting anyone else.  It’s stupid, but it’s harmless.”  Johns also doesn’t understand where the sun goes at night, or how to make those “bunny ears” that keep his shoelaces tied up.

Carney’s manager, David Riolo, has complained that Carney didn’t have a chance to defend himself before the Sharks CEO cut him loose.  Normally, I wouldn’t give a fuck about anything that Toddles has to say about anything, but I would buy a ticket to listen to him try and explain this one. 

“It’s a set-up, like when people stand in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa,” Riolo told radio station 2UE.  It’s very much like that, except completely different, as one involves people standing in front of a leaning building, and the other has a grown man urinating into his own face.

Is Carney’s sacking due to other misdemeanours since he’s been at the Sharks?  Not according to manager man Riolo. “There’s been no serious allegations that I’m aware of that have come across my desk in writing,” he said. “I get 1000 emails every time Todd steps out.”  Just quietly, I reckon Riolo’s email database takes up eighteen warehouses.

Other dickheads have come out and blasted the photographer, one Mick Robinson, a “mate” of Carney’s who took the photo without Todd realising, sent it to his brother, who then lost his phone at the greyhounds which some unknown champion found, unlocked, scrolled through the photos and posted that picture on social media.  It’s all making sense now. 

I’m just going out on a limb here, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that Carney would piss into his own mouth unless it was being photographed.  You know, for posterity, so he can look back when he’s older, perhaps with some grandkids on his knee, and reminisce about the time he drank his own wee.  Carney himself has stated, “It was just a prank, the boys have seen me doing it before.”  I'm not sure if admitting to doing this multiple times makes it any better, to be honest, just like the time he pissed on a bloke at a Canberra pub, drove his car into a mobile phone shop in Goulburn or set fire to someone else on New Years in Sydney.     

Mick Robinson, by the way, will be relieving “Joe the Cameraman” at Channel 9 next week in his role as “sport star scapegoat.” 

I'm glad to see that Fox Sports keeps it as professional as I do

The Sharks made a controversial decision to sack Carney; drinking your own piss isn’t illegal; being a fuckwit isn’t illegal; having your photo taken being a fuckwit and drinking your own piss isn’t illegal - so why should he lose his job?  If Frank the butcher was caught pissing in his own face, would he get sacked?  Maybe not, but I doubt that many people would be buying their sausages from him once they saw the photo.

The point is that Toddles is earning $650,000 per season to play football.  That’s a fucking dump-truck of money by anyone’s standards.  He plays for 80 minutes per week, and trains for two or three hours a day, maybe four times a week.  Other people would call this “going to the gym for a bit” and pay through the dick for the privilege.  Carney has also been injured for the last two months and has played maybe 120 minutes of football in six weeks.  For a guy who is constantly injured, whose name doesn’t get mentioned for representative honours, whose team isn’t winning, fuck it, they’re not even sponsored, but is still pulling in $650k per year, he needs this smack in the face. 

Is his career over?  Possibly.  But probably not.  He might fuck off to the Super League in the UK (last time he tried this, his visa was rejected due to his criminal record), or he might fuck off to France, who will pretty much sign anyone.  More likely, he’ll fuck about in Australia until he fulfils whatever rehab nonsense he pretends to go to and then gets picked up by the Cowboys, Warriors or Storm – probably for about $500,000 a year – so he’ll learn absolutely nothing from being sacked by the third club that he’s played for, and carry on as if nothing happened until in another two years, we’ll be back right here again.  

People have also drawn parallels with the trials and tribulations of my other favourite fuckwit, Robert Lui, who was let go by the Wests Tigers after he was found guilty of assaulting his pregnant girlfriend on numerous occasions, only to suffer the indignity of paying a $2000 fine (seriously) before getting snapped up by the Cowboys for a two-year contract for the meagre sum of $180,000 per season.  Good ol' Robbie unfortunately spent the best part of one of those years on the sidelines following injury, lack of fitness and the small matter of ANOTHER FUCKING ASSAULT CHARGE ON HIS GIRLFRIEND.

We also have the cases of Greg Bird (smashing a schooner glass over his girlfriend's head), Nate Myles shitting in the corridor of his hotel after a night out, Billy Slater punching a bloke in an English pub, Anthony Watmough, Mitchell Pearce touching up a woman in a nightclub, Blake Ferguson's sexual assault, every fucking next guy drink driving... 

It might just be a case of "bad timing, Toddles" as the NRL rap sheet starts to reach biblical proportions, and that might have been how the Sharkies saw it too.  Make an example out of this bloke and send the message through to every fuckwit out there that it doesn't matter if you've won a premiership, scored the Dally M, represented your state and your country, that you can't just go around being a dickhead without facing some consequences.  Each club can do what they want with the dickwits that continually fuck up, and this is what Cronulla have done.  In my opinion, it's what the Cowboys should have done too.  They probably should have also had second thoughts about Lui's comeback game being the designated "Women in League" round, but I'll leave that up to the stellar people at the North Queensland marketing department.  I don't know how we got to the point where the punishment for ongoing violent crimes was a trip to a tropical paradise and given hundreds of thousands of dollars, but I don't know if it's much of a deterrent.     

There's um... something on your chin.

What should be done with ol’ Todd Carney?  Shooting him into orbit was my first thought... but before we find out exactly what happens when a person is launched beyond the stratosphere, we should actually look to the future a bit more seriously.  I think it's safe to say that there’s not a whole lot going on behind those squinty eyes of his, so playing footy is pretty much all he has going for him.  His track record shows that he obviously doesn’t appreciate the position that he’s in or the money that he earns, so let's take that away from him.  If someone is seriously desperate to sign him, then put him on a contract for $80,000.  Enforce a mental health assessment to see why his mentality got stuck at 15 years old.  His new club could become a trailblazer in actually trying to rehabilitate people, and not pretend that they have “overcome their demons” simply because you need them to play against the Bulldogs next weekend.  Carney also needs to actually want to accept support, want to keep playing and want to stop fart-arsing around.  He needs to learn from his mistakes – mistakes that have so far cost him literally millions of dollars.  If he doesn't want to change, learn or improve, then it's up to the team management to deal with that and understand that he is a risk and accept the fact that he will most likely drag himself, the club and his team mates through a fair amount of shit (possibly literally).  Again, he hasn't broken the law or hurt anyone.  If he can stick to that, he might have a future.  

Unless, of course, that Carney's firing wasn’t entirely unplanned, and it was all part of his brilliant scheme to escape the ongoing drug investigations at Cronulla HQ.  Maybe Todd felt the need to uh… evacuate the premises, so to speak. 

In terms of the Sharks' reaction to all of this, Carney’s Cronulla team-mates are full of support for the “fallen angel” but split as to whether he’s a massive twat who deserved to be fired.  One report claims that they enforced a media silence as they rallied around him by stating “Sharks players started arriving at Remondis Stadium from 8am and were tight-lipped as they entered the ground.”  I’m not surprised - I’d be tight-lipped around Carney as well.  He has exceptional aim.

NRL 2014 Round 16: Bottoms up!

There's not a whole lot going on in league this week - to be fair, it is a long-standing Australian tradition to give absolutely no fucks about standard sport during the State of Origin series.  Plus there's some kind of soccer world cup going on where a bloke is eating everyone, and a tennis tournament that... is... um... on Channel 7.  Wimbledon is nonsense, I would rather watch soccer.  No I wouldn't - I'd just watch an episode of Home and Away that I taped during the week.  How good is that show?  It's the best.

Round 16 of the NRL is upon us, so there's only about 10 days til the next Origin match.  To get in the mood for the round this week, we need to find something other than team pride and personal tipping contests to make it interesting.  In true Mister Evil Breakfast fashion, we turn to the magic of alcohol.

This weekend, while watching the NRL (on free-to-air, glorious Standard Definition Channel 9):

- Whenever an ad for The Voice comes on - drink

- If you see advertising for KFC - drink (and eat KFC)

- If Gus Gould and Rabs Warren get into an argument - drink

- If that argument is about the pronunciation of a player's name - bonus drink

- If Ray Hadley says: 

• kick to come 
• wing three quarter 
• acting half
• loose head and feed

 - drink

- When the ref microphone picks up him telling teams to pack a scrum, and he says, "HEADS DOWN BOYS. HEADS DOWN. EVERYONE BIND," and no one does - have a drink

- If Joey Johns gets a bit too excited about something that Jarryd Hayne does - drink

- When Greg Bird does his "Greg Bird" face - finish your drink

- If you see a player who has made a poor facial hair choice - drink

- If a commentator manages to crack a boner about a player who is not playing the game that is currently on - drink 

- If that player is Hayne, Thurston, Slater, Smith or Inglis - bonus drink

- If that player is Sonny Bill Williams - finish your drink

- Every time Phil Gould refers to someone as 'a good young player' with a lot of potential -drink

• If he's a Panthers player - bonus drink

- If Cronulla scores a try - drink

• If Cronulla punch over a field goal simply to beat their current points drought - finish whatever's in your fridge

- During post-match interviews, when you hear a player say, "Full credit to the boys" - drink

Round 16

Manly Sea Eagles vs Sydney Roosters

Brisbane Broncos vs Cronulla Sharks

Wests Tigers vs Canberra Raiders

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

New Zealand Warriors vs Penrith Panthers

Parramatta Eels vs Newcastle Knights

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Melbourne Storm

Drink up!

NRL 2014 Round 15: WOOOOOOOOOO

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO news OUth wakles won the Origins fot the fisrt time sinze fucking dog’s balls and everony loves LAurie Daley laurielaurie wooooooo get on the HAYNE TRAIN PLAYNE MAIN GAME STRAIN BRAIN FRAME thiong you sputid qUEnsland dickwits & I’mve been out paRTYINg like ITS’ 1999 in the USA an I’ll cry if i wan too.  Woo newsouthwalse you’r e the best around nuthins gonnakeepyoudown

So basically we can all thank one person for this historic event:  the woman in the yellow dress.

Without her divine intervention, Laurie Daley would have been a numpty like all of the numpties who have gone before him, and picked motherfucking Mitchell Pearce in the NSW team.  The Woman In The Yellow Dress had other thoughts, and used a scientifically tested mixture of alcohol, goodlookingness and NRL mentality to lure Pearce into (a) trying to hook up with her, (b) trying to assault her, and (c) being told to “fuck off” by everyone. 

Stroke of genius, Woman In The Yellow Dress.  The world thanks you.

So Origin Game II was played and won by NSW, wrapping up the series for the first time since the Pyramids were trampled by a stegosaurus.  Well done and all that to NSW, but let’s be seriously serious with each other here – it wasn’t a tip-top game by anyone’s standards, and would probably be best described as “I don’t understand what’s going on.  I thought these guys were professionals?”  The ball handling was non-existent, the passing game consisted of “pass once to the left and see what happens” and after the referees completely lost control of the game, it turned into a battle of face vs elbow in every single tackle.  It did show how Jonathan Thurston reacts to frustration (grubby) and also how Cameron Smith reacts to Paul Gallen rubbing his grubby elbow in his face (grubbily) and how Greg Bird is all the time (grubby). 

Round 15

Most Origin players have been named as playing, but we all know that they probably won’t.  They’ve all done way too much cocaine over the last three days that it’s really not safe for them to be doing anything physical lest their chest literally explode.  Literally.

In ironic news, it appears that Brent Tate’s career could have ended with his last Origin match, as a torn ACL may have quashed any plans for an extension on his contract.  I don’t know what the odds were on him ending his career to a leg injury instead of, you know, his BROKEN FUCKING NECK, but I do know that I lost $10 on Sportsbet.com.au from it.

New Zealand Warriors vs Brisbane Broncos

Cronulla Sharks vs Manly Sea Eagles

Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels

Gold Coast Titans vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Newcastle Knights vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Canterbury Bulldogs

I would love to be able to say that I had faith in the Raiders.  But that would be a massive lie.  They have looked absofuckinglutely terrible this year, and Ricky Stuart came out this week claiming, “They’ll get worse before they get better.”  Way to go, Rick. 

Dogs by a fucking trillion.

NRL 2014 Round 14: More Origin Nonsense

We're counting down the seconds until State of Origin 2 kicks off, and both state coaches continue to add players to their squad.  NSW coach Laurie Daley is at least adding players to cover holes in the team, while Queensland coach is calling anyone who has at least played a game of touch footy on the beach during a schoolies trip to pull on a Maroon jersey.

Loz has called Josh Dugan into the NSW team to cover for the loss of Josh Morris.  Dugan has had a grand total of two games experience in the centre position - one game against the Broncos (I think), in which he was spanked by anyone and everyone who deemed in necessary to score a try down his side of the field, and the other against Cronulla, who were fielding a third-string disabled girls team, in a game in which not only did it make Benji Marshall look good, but the human tattoo was able to cross the stripe for three tries. 

On this rationale, I should be looking at a Kangaroos jersey following my three-try effort in a game of lunchtime football at school in 1995.  Granted, one of those tries was well after the lunch bell had rung, and in another one I used an interfering soccer match as a decoy.  

Queensland have named most of Australia in their team to cover the plethora of injuries that they have, but will probably line up with the usual dickwits around - Slater, Inglis, blah blah blah.  If Mal had a clue, he'd leave Slater out of the team until he was fully fit - he is more of a passenger than Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57 when he has a niggle.  And considering that Slater is 90% niggle (the other 10% is "dickhead"), he should be left off the team for quite some time.

Round 14

Short round this week, and with most of the good players either injured, in Origin camp, being rested due to injuries from Origin or helping police with enquiries, it's one of those rounds where nobody gives a fuck.

South Sydney Rabbitoh vs Wests Tigers

Penrith Panthers vs St George Illawarra

Sydney Roosters vs Newcastle Knights

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Parramatta Eels

Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs The Bye

With the split round this weekend, the Raiders are coming up against no team, but on current form, I'm not considering that to be an advantage for them at all.  The lack of opposition is likely to lull the Raiders into a false sense of security, and the Bye is the kind of team to take full advantage of a disinterested team.

NRL 2014 Round 13: You Win Some, You Lose Some

Lucky for some, unlucky for Beau Ryan, Round 13 is upon us, and it’s another cluster fuck of a round to tip.  The fallout from the first State of Origin game is still affecting the NRL world through injuries, but also through the possibility of fringe players pushing for a place in the Blue & Maroon sides.  You know when people start looking at Josh Dugan as a replacement for Josh Morris, it’s anyone’s game.  They should probably consider looking at a replacement player with a different Christian name as well, but we’ll get there.  I think my favourite part of State of Origin I was listening to the great Ray “Rabs” Warren calling the game, with such gems as “Slater down the touchline, comes to one of the Morris brothers, and the other Morris brother is there to finish the tackle.”  At least the Morrises did the right thing by both getting injured.  Hopefully Dugan has a brother that he can bring in too.

Laurie “I’m Totes the Coach” Daley has even suggested putting Jarryd Hayne in the centre position, which I think is just fucking stupid.  Hayne is arguably the best player in the world right now (“arguably” is a great word to use – I am “arguably” the world’s best writer and NRL tipper, although it honestly wouldn’t be much of an argument), and needs to get his hands on the ball in the open space that the fullback position allows.  The centre combinations in the first game might as well not have even been there – Greg Inglis’ contribution to football was overshadowed only by the non-existence of Michael Jennings.  Keep Hayne in the #1, and stop being dickheads.

Round 13

This week I’m being ballsy (and handsome) and picking a few upsets to go along with the standard “oh fucking hell I just don’t know what to do why is this so fucking hard and why do I care this much and yes I’d love another beer if it’s your shout thanks man I think I left my wallet at home oh this in my pocket yeah that’s a different wallet” thing that I normally do. 

I don’t rate Manly’s chances against the Doggies, and I don’t think Daly Cherry-Evans will ever be a competitive top-level player at State or International level.  THERE.  I said it.  I think he’s a good player, but I reckon he should be happy with his place at Manly.  He should also get a new hairdresser.

I’m tipping the Cowboys because Parra were disgraceful last week and just because Hayne is returning this week, I don’t think it will be enough.  The Titans and the Panthers can both go fuck themselves, and I’m tipping the Titans but I’m also thinking of changing my mind about that but I’ll probably leave it and forget about it.  Dragons vs Sharks should be free entry, honestly.  There’s no way that anyone would bother going to see them play at the moment.  I reckon the Warriors will upset an unstable Rabbitohs outfit – I don’t know what they put in the water in England (not fluoride) that makes people’s heads massive and their hands turn into Teflon, but they should probably stop it.  The amount of dropped ball from the Burgess brothers is fucking astounding and in the words of Geoff Toovey, there needs to be an investigation.  There doesn’t, but it would be kind of fun to do.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Parramatta Eels vs Nth Queensland Cows

Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers

St George Illawarra vs Dragons vs Cronulla Sharks

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs New Zealand Warriors

Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers

Melbourne Storm vs Sydney Roosters

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Brisbane Broncos

The Raiders went from having three new prospective rep players coming into the team on Monday, to having none of them by Tuesday and a handful of their current players “speaking” (signing) to “other clubs” (St George) by Wednesday.  I don’t know why the Dragons have such a massive boner for Raiders players – I guess they just target the team who is slightly less shit than they are and then get all of their players.  By 2017 they should have the entire green machine on their books, and then in 2018 they can start to look at buying players from the Titans or the Tigers.  I’d say by the 2042 season, they’ll have successfully amoeba’d their way up the ladder to resemble to 2041 Manly team.  And you know that will be an ugly, ugly team.

I can’t see the Raiders scraping together a win this week, unless the bitter cold of Monday night football in the nation’s capital works its wonders to literally freeze the tits off the Broncos players who will all have to be taken to hospital with man-boob-frostbite (it’s not pretty – don’t Google it).  Brissy smashed the shit out of the Sea Eagles last week, and the Raiders put in one of their best performances of the season last week to go down to the Roosters by about 20, so… yeah.  Bring on the cold nipples, I say.  

It took me way too long to understand what was happening in this photo than I want to admit.  And yes, that does seem to be Steve Matai making a clean tackle.  Well... cleanish.

NRL 2014 - Round 12: Who Cares? We won!

NSW managed to sneak home in the first State of Origin match on Wednesday in a hard-fought, often controversial and pretty fucking good game of league.  This takes the NSW win tally up to one-in-a-row, and has given anyone with a hint of a sky-blue jumper in their wardrobe the confidence to claim themselves as the greatest warriors in history, completely unbreakable, monumentally unbeatable and totally flawless in all athletic endeavours.

So I guess we’ll see in a few weeks’ time how the Blues overreact to winning an entire game of football.  In my learned opinion, this is their best chance to finally get that legendary series victory – and I’m not saying that I’m awesome or whatever, I’ll let the media do that for me, but I did predict that last year would be the final year of QLD’s reign, and the NSW dominance was going to begin (probably for about three or four years).  I would link to that prediction, but I’m lazy and couldn’t be fucked going through all of my shitty blog posts.  Anyway, this is their best chance for two reasons:  the QLD team is getting past their prime – there’s only so long you can keep a bunch of dickheads together; and everyone is injured.  Cronk broke his arm, Slater did his ankle, Cam Smith went down in sympathy, Nate Myles fractured his hand, and Daly Cherry-Evans was a victim of peer injury pressure. 

The injuries could count as a blessing though – it gives QLD a chance to get some new players in there.  No offence to the ageing Maroons team, but they’re getting a bit fucking old.  The QLD forwards are so old that they don’t just pack a scrum, they pack a straw hat, a box of tissues and a cardigan in case it gets cold.  The Queensland backline is so old that they carry photos of Corey Parker’s first 1^st grade game in their wallets to show strangers on the bus. 

It’s also good because everyone on the Queensland team has had their head so far up their own arse for way too long – except for Nate Myles, of course; that forehead wouldn’t fit through the gates at DisneyWorld. 

Last Origin point (maybe) - what was the deal with the Channel 9 introduction for each player?  “Jarryd Hayne enjoys playing X-Box and listening to U2.  He is currently single.  Darius Boyd collects ceramic frogs and is afraid of the dark.  Michael Jennings lived in a housing estate and had to dance for money as a child.”  Fuck that, this is not The Voice, and no one gives a fuck about what makes Robbie Farah chub up.  Just give us some stats, tell us his Origin story and fuck off. 

Round 12

Fuck knows, really.  Who’s playing and who’s not is going to be a mystery from here on in, and every team is going to change right up til kick-off.  Just put all the teams in a hat and draw them out.

Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels

Sydney Roosters vs Canberra Raiders

Nth Queensland Cows vs Melbourne Storm

New Zealand Warriors vs Newcastle Knights

Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Seems that the Daily Telegraph was also pretty shocked that New South Wales had a win

NRL 2014 Round 11: The weekend where no one cares

In case you hadn’t heard, the State of Origin series begins next week, which basically means that nothing else matters in rugby league except for words like “pride”, “passion” and “fucking Slater”.  It’s a time of the year when the rugby league world literally revolves around Phil Gould as he stands underneath some goalposts and explains the history of the discovery of the colour "maroon".  It’s the time of year when you begin to believe in the hype that being from either Queensland or New South Wales gives you different qualities of inner strength; a greater outlook on life and a more focussed sense of self to… play… football.  It’s that time of year that you think, “Thank fuck they left Mitchell Pearce out of this game.” 

Thanks to NSW being so terrible since 2006, most Queenslanders can now count to eight, although it is worrying to think that if the dominance continues for four more years, they will run out of fingers to count on. 

Round 11:

It’s a bit of a clusterfuck to tip, and it will be while “The Spirit of Artie Beetson contest” goes on for the next two months, so it’s a lottery as to who will play and who will win – even more so than the start of the 2014 season. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Sydney Roosters

Gold Coast Titans vs New Zealand Warriors

Wests Tigers vs           Brisbane Broncos

Cronulla Sharks vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

QLD vs NSW

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Due to the glorious game of “Greg Inglis vs NSW”, we’ve got a split round this week.  Due to the glorious game of “Every Queenslander has a heart the size of Pharlap”, most of the good players are missing from their respective team.  This means that the Raiders might even crack a win.  I’ve tipped them, so you know it’s serious.  

This is still my favourite Origin photo.  It has the passion of jumper pulling, the emotion of pashing Terry Hill and the hair of Laurie Daley

NRL 2014 Round 10: Pearce is a wanker

This week saw the perennial NSW halfback do his very best to do the exact thing that all NSW fans and supporters wanted – get kicked out of Origin selection.  He may not have been entirely smart about the way he did it though, but then, being a football player, and being from Bondi will probably help in doing things the “not entirely smart way,” and he decided to go out on the turps all day, go to a nightclub, touch up some lovely young thing, get thrown out by the bouncers and then get arrested by the po-po.

I mean, thanks and all Mitchell Pearce, but you probably could have just claimed a “torn pectoral” or “an eyelash went in my eye” and you could have avoided dragging the NRL through the shit.  Again.

The possibility of not having Mitch Pearce in the NSW team was then upended by the suspension of Greg Bird, who was found guilty of being a complete twat as well as the slightly more serious offence of spear-tackling some other dickhead last weekend. 

I don’t like Greg Bird, and I don’t think he’s quite the great white hope that people think he is.  Others may disagree, but they’re wrong. 

Round 10

The game that’s got me a bit excited is the Bunnies vs Storm match, which should be a cracker.  Although I think I’ve found the greatest flaw in the South Sydney defence, which is big ol’ Greg Inglis.  If I was Cameron “Super Grub” Smith, Cooper “What?” Cronk or even Billy “Fucking Kill Me Now” Slater, I’d kick it to him at every opportunity.  High kicks or low, he’s got the ball handling skills of a lesbian.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Melbourne Storm

North Queensland Cowboys vs Sydney Roosters

Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors

Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks vs Wests Tigers

Brisbane Broncos vs Gold Coast Titans

Parramatta Eels vs St George-Illawarra Dragons

Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles vs Newcastle Knights

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Penrith Panthers

I actually forgot to put my tips in last week.  HOW RETARDED AM I, RIGHT?  I figured making such a stupid error could have put me right up there to coach the Raiders, or play for the Raiders, or own the Raiders or something.  Turns out, I just did really poorly with my tips.  The Raiders didn’t seem too interested in my retardedness, claiming that they had it already in spades. 

That is true.

Here are some stats about the current coach of the Raiders, Ricky Stuart (courtesy of Twitter person Andrew Ferguson (@AndrewRLP)).  There are no jokes or snide remarks in the following list.

•        Since 2009, Ricky Stuart coached sides have only won back to back games once (Cronulla in 2009 won 4 straight games (they won 5 that year)).
•          Ricky Stuart as coach since 2009: 18 wins, 56 losses, For 1097, Against 1951
•          Since 2009: Ricky Stuart coached sides have lost, conceding 30-39 points 15 times, 40-49 points 7 times and 50+ points 7 times 
•          Ricky Stuart coached sides have conceded 50+ points in a game 6 times in their last 30 games 
•          Since 2009, Ricky Stuart coached sides have won 18 games and lost 56. 29 of those losses have seen his sides concede 30+ points 
•          This is the first time the Raiders have had back to back losses conceding 50+ points since 2006, when they lost 70-32 v NEW & 56-20 v SYD

I’m not saying that Ricky is shit, but… no, I am saying that.  He really is shit.  It’s a massive pity, because he was an awesome player, and I think better than Allan Langer – To me, a totally unbiased fan of league, Stuart had the better kicking game, better defence, better passing game, better vision and better mullet. 

All Langer had was a decent short kicking game and a face like a busted arse.

I’ve lost my train of thought.  GO RAIDERS.

Nothing impresses me more than a poorly Photoshopped image of Josh Dugan and Benji Marshall.  

NRL 2014 Round 9: Back to it

We’re back after a week off, which has given our boys time to get drunk, beat people up, be involved in sex scandals, leave their current team, sign with eight others, and in the case of one particular fuckwit, not sign with anyone to “increase drama” or “maximise impact.”  Fuck off, Benji, YOU’RE NOT THAT GOOD AND NO ONE LIKES YOU NOT EVEN YOUR MUM.   

We’re at the part of the year when everyone actually starts trying to win a game of footy, not because it’s round 9 and the team is struggling, or needs to cement themselves at the top of the table, it’s so they can be a part of the State of Origin team.  When there’s a sky blue jersey on the table, who knows what could happen?  Probably nothing, especially if you’re Mitchell Pearce, who Laurie Daley has given an “automatic selection” to.  No one in the history of the world knows why, but the most popular theory is beer flavoured nipples. 

Round 9

It’s a bit of a dick-scratcher again this week with a few tips, but I’m going to do the smart thing and analyse each game closely, taking into account statistical anomalies, player percentages, missed tackle counts, head-to-head rankings, injury reports and betting odds.  Then I’m going to put the outcomes of those against the patented Mister Evil Breakfast Sport-Result-Pick-O-Meter, which classes teams into “SHIT” and “NOT AS SHIT” and we’ll go from there.

The patented Mister Evil Breakfast Sport-Result-Pick-O-Meter.  It's patented.  

Turns out the Roosters aren’t as shit as the Tigers (only just), the Cows aren’t as bad as the horses (again, it was a close shit fight), the Bunnies will poo on the Titans, the Storm are the shittest, and everyone knows how bad Penrith, St George and the Sharks are.   

Sydney Roosters vs Wests Tigers

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos

Gold Coast Titans vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles

Newcastle Knights vs Penrith Panthers

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Parramatta Eels v Cronulla Sharks

Game of the Round

New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Canberra were well and truly fucked on the last time they played – luckily it seems like it has been about eighteen years since then (it hasn’t), and everyone has forgotten how bad they are.  Well, everyone except for the Warriors, most likely.  It has been rumoured that coach Sticky Stuart is up to his old tricks and has dumped his starting forward pack to reserve grade – it didn’t work at Parra, but by gosh it might just work here – where what he really needs to do is give Terry Campese a massive boot up the arse.  What the fuck was he doing in the last game?  If I was the coach (which I should be), I’d have pulled him off quicker than Konrad Hurrell’s girlfriendand sent him home to think about what he’d done (or hadn’t done) and taken away his Playstation and iPhone. 

I have never seen such a half-arsed, defeated performance since… well, the last time the Raiders were mashed.

In any case, the Raiders have my THIS TIP CANNOT GO WRONG, DICKHEADS tip of the round, because the Warriors have been playing well the last few weeks, and since they’re the Warriors, that’s the last thing they’ll do this week. 

It’s science, trust me.